Need help coping

I have mentioned this before but am going through a difficult period. If I cant stop this pain I may have to leave this relationship.

I was married for 7 years to an extreme sex addict and when my boyfriend looks at porn on the internet old feelings come back.

I have worked very very hard on this and sometimes I feel ok, sometimes I am completely great, but once in awhile it hits me.

Fear and insecurity. Pain and sadness.

So this is my silly little dream. That someone would love me enough that I would be all they need, want and desire.

I know.. dreamin.

I still love the dream. It sounds so nice.

But the girls on the internet are young and perfect... and I logically know that even if I was as young and beautiful as the most beautiful one... he would still masterbate to other chicks.

He has social anxiety and panics around people. I am a crazy outgoing chick and have cut myself off from almost all social interaction because he panics and it causes him pain.

I kind of wish he would see how this hurts me and would just make the decision to not do this thing that causes me so much discomfort.

Sometimes when this monster roars its ugly head I hurt so bad that I am afraid I will have to leave him and just give up on relationships completely.

I cannot stand the hurt when it happens.

We tried to talk and he says I am trying to control him and what he looks at and does. I have been working very hard to get over this because that is the last thing I want to do.

So I am going to continue trying to heal. Quitting smoking today and starting running to improve my self esteme.

I know I look really good for 44 (he is 20) and I know he thinks I am hot. (baffles me)

I even made him a little suprise home movie the other day staring .. yes.. me.. it was risky and when he didnt even look at it a masturbated to the internet... I was crushed even more.

I want this hurt and insecurity to go away. Other than this we have a very good relationship. I hate that it controls me.

but what I can't figure out is why are you still there, you have all this information from a painful previous relationship, but you're not processing that information to your benefit. so again I ask, why are you still in this relationship. He thinks you're controling him for viewing porn, he's right you are...it is his choice. but its also your choice on how much you want porn to impact your life yet again. This is about you too and you're just as important here.

"I want this hurt and insecurity to go away. Other than this we have a very good relationship. I hate that it controls me."

your wrong, you dont' have a very good relationship or you would be able to accept this, imperfections and all. but from what I've read you willing to bandaid your pain rather then make a conscious choice about the fact that you feel cheated, disrespected and unloved.
The fact that your willing to give up your identity to someone else because he feels anxious around others tells me that in the quest to be in any kind of relationship even with this guy, you've allowed him to exercise power over you...the fact that he's a ym has nothing to do with it, but you really need to decide who you are and what kind of woman you want to be and this relationship will fall into its place.

this isn't a end all relationship, someone you can't live without (he's not put in his time yet)...on the other hand, the person you are, the woman you are IS the person you have to live with and looking in that mirror is not going to help you feel better about your self, if there's someone in your life, who doesn't feel YOU'RE the love of his life HE can't live without you. Tell him again how it makes you feel, give him a timeline and then act either way. No stress, no 2nd/3rd/4th chances, no b/s, unless he's willing to seek help...then react and act...stay firm to your words. good luck.

Paris

Originally posted by jan
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So this is my silly little dream. That someone would love me enough that I would be all they need, want and desire.

I know.. dreamin.

I still love the dream. It sounds so nice.



That is not an impossible dream...I am sorry that this YM likes to look at porn when it is something that hurts you so much. You should get in counseling. I have to tell you that with my ex I hated if he looked at porn. He never made me feel secure though in other areas. With my YM (bf of 2 years) I even look at it with him sometimes and send him links to check out. I am much older than I was with my ex and I had the 20 year old hard body back then ...yet now, with my bf, it doesn't bother me. I feel that is because he makes me feel secure in other areas. I bet that is what is missing for you. You have a hole from the past hurts and you need it to be healed.



But the girls on the internet are young and perfect... and I logically know that even if I was as young and beautiful as the most beautiful one... he would still masterbate to other chicks.

I have gotten turned on by fantasies of other men or situations that did not involve my partner. That does not lessen my love for him. It is NOTHING I would ever act upon and it is just a fantasy in my head. I used to be threatened to think that my ex would ever masturbate to the image of another woman. Now, all that insecurity is gone with this current bf.

He has social anxiety and panics around people. I am a crazy outgoing chick and have cut myself off from almost all social interaction because he panics and it causes him pain.
Another reason for counseling. This is not healthy. You are losing yourself and your friends. No one should ask that of you.

I kind of wish he would see how this hurts me and would just make the decision to not do this thing that causes me so much discomfort.
Sometimes when this monster roars its ugly head I hurt so bad that I am afraid I will have to leave him and just give up on relationships completely.
I cannot stand the hurt when it happens.
We tried to talk and he says I am trying to control him and what he looks at and does. I have been working very hard to get over this because that is the last thing I want to do.
You cut yourself off from social situations because of his anxiety attacks, yet he won't stop his porn viewing for your pain and anxiety around that issue? Ok, No wonder you hurt. Even my ex quit looking at and buying it. (that was before the internet) He tried to help me heal but in our case it was more than the porn...but he did try and he stopped having it in our house. That is the least this guy can do for you. Even if it is only for some time until you are more secure in the relationship. However, he would have to totally honor you and could not sneak and look. If you found out he did it would send you back to square one.



I want this hurt and insecurity to go away. Other than this we have a very good relationship. I hate that it controls me.

Do not hate yourself for having valid feelings. If you have issues with porn viewing by your BF that is fine. It is his response to you that hurts you. I suspect that your comment of "other than this we have a very good relationship" is not completely true. If it were you would not be losing yourself due to giving up contact with the outside world due to his anxiety and yet being tormented by his porn viewing.
Get help please. There is nothing anyone can say here that will make him stop looking at it. There is nothing anyone can say here that will make him start going out socially and get over his anxiety attacks. There is nothing we can say that will make you feel safe with him and his porn viewing.
I know it feels good just to type it out and feel validated...but in the long run you need some counseling. (Sorry if i sound like a nag about that. I just fully believe in it)
I wish you all the best and continue to post your frustrations. It does help to be heard.
Best Wishes,
Tru

Hi Jan.

I think that we have covered this issue pretty well in your previous post. Several of the female members said that they didn't find a problem with him doing it and said that they are willing to do it with their boyfriends and some even do it alone, so I guess you shouldn't worry about it. That response actually shocked me, but I myself have no interest in pornography or in any man who views pornography. You seem to be enabling him and justifying him by watching it and participating in it, so if that is the course you have decided to take, then don't complain about it any more. You have given him the green light, so just jump out of the way of the traffic.

It really comes down to the fact of him not considering your feelings when it obviously bothers you so much. When someone who loves you continues to do something that hurts you, no matter what it is, that is a huge problem. If you continue to let someone do something that hurts you....that is also a huge problem.

We all have to make sacrifices in relationships to a certain degree. Sounds to me like all this guy is thinking about is himself, and acting very inconsiderately. Im sorry, but anyone who puts himself first isn't worth having.

And although you won't like me saying this, I agree with Tru. I full believe that counseling could help to no end....both of you.

Jan, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Almost all men view porn of some kind, especially when they're single. Most of them give it up though, when they get into a relationship. Robin has a small collection of porn, and when we first got together, he was still watching a movie here and there, but I told him I really didn't like it, so he has them all packed away in a box now. If he still watches it, he does it when I'm not around. We have a really good sex life, so at this point I feel we've settled the matter.

What I wanted to say to you was what some others said, that his involvement with porn is hurtful to you, and he should therefore quit doing it. Anything that hurts one or the other partner should be given up. Robin has sacrificed for me, and I have sacrificed for him. Not big things, nothing that meant all that much to either of us, but little things that really made the other person uncomfortable. When you're in a healthy relationship, that's what you do.

It's when you're asked to give up something that means a lot to you, that the compatibility in the relationship comes into question. For instance, giving up your social life for your bf isn't a good or healthy thing to do. Our friends will be there through thick and thin. Don't give them up for a guy! Go out without him if it makes him uncomfortable to be in social settings, but don't let go of your friends.

I don't think it's an impossible dream to find someone who wants and desires only you. Not only do I think it's possible, it's highly probable, given that you're looking good for your age and an intelligent and fun woman. You need to look in the right place though, and maybe this 20-year-old isn't the right guy for you. Love isn't supposed to hurt.

We have all heard that men are visual creatures and I think most men do enjoy some level of erotic visual stimulation. I think its normal UNLESS it reaches a level where it is used to replace his reality, which in this case is you Jan, a real flesh and blood woman. There are many types of addiction and pornography can certainly be an addiction. I think he needs counseling, it does not seem to me like he is functioning in "real life". And no one has commented on his dismissal of your video. He did not even look at it? How hurtful that must have been. Seems to me your bf is the one who is not coping. If he did not seek couseling, together or alone, I would really question whether I wanted to stay in this relationship. Personally, and not to be judgmental, I would be totally turned off by a man who was that turned on by porn. Good Luck. Please try to find ways to keep you self esteem up! You deseve better!

It sounds to me, painfully, like this just isn't the right relationship for you at this time. That for whatever set of reasons, and I think his looking at porn isn't THE problem, it's A problem among many, this young man just isn't in a place to meet your emotional needs, nor are you in the place to meet his. You're just not compatible right now on some important emotional levels and it's unlikely that you can twist yourselves into big enough emotional pretzels to accomodate these differing needs.

If he needs a feeling of freedom in his primary relationship and you need to feel that his behavior affirms your importance to him, then you're going to be at cross-purposes indefinitely and any way he changes to suit you will pain him further and any way you change to suit him will pain you further.

I think it's time to kiss and admit that you both need to find other people that you are more in tune with.

I'm really sorry ......

Oops!

Just saw the update.

Well, good luck. I hope the plan works!

I am so sorry, why do we pick the same guy again and again but in a different body? the question i ask is why are you so willing to bend to what you think is "comfortable and acceptable", when your heart is telling you that this is unacceptable. Listen to your heart.

really maybe it is time to honest, i also believe that the wemon who responded to your last post and said that "men were men" and that porn was a-ok with them as long as their boyfriends were loyal, were full of it..... even when they said it was ok, it was as long as they had some type of so called honesty with their significant other. (in other words... they knew what the little son of a gun was up to, looking at and participating in....)

If there is no problem, why do wemon have to monitor their boyfriends. Thats control, and I dont want a man i have to monitor. (ain't happning for this girl...)

Honey dear, this is hurting you, you are brave enough to get honest, now hear me on this.......THERE ARE MEN WHO CARE ENOUGH ABOUT THIER WEMON, THAT THEY WOULD PUT THEIR PARTNERS FEELINGS FIRST. I am not a man, but I would take offense to the overall generalisation made here on our guys, its just plain egotisical and a little scary that we need to justify our relationships by telling others that it is normal for guys sexually.

letting go is extremely difficult, but the great news is that you are developing as a woman and you are realizing what is and what is not acceptable to you. By your own admittance you are a beautiful woman, SO........... take charge beautiful woman and this is hurting you, be loving and kind but get "your" needs met it is ok for us to be honest, it is hard to UNLEARN subservientcy, but we cant just lay down and continually let others dictate our needs. You know what you want, you already had they guy who made you feel like nothing because of the porn, you dont need to rewind that tape....you will feel so much better, take baby steps, give it a try....realize what you will and will not accept. God bless and peace......... kitty

Jan,

I'm so sorry to hear your pain. Just knowing that you're hurting makes me, a stranger, want to hold you and never do anything to make you feel that way. I don't understand why your bf doesn't feel the same way. Thats the whole point of emotion-based partnerships....you agree to make your life together as safe and loving as possible. That means protecting each other whereever possible from emotional hurt. Yes, I share the same dream as you, only Im living it as reality right now with someone wonderful.

Jan, my bf is a gorgeous 24 year old and in our year together I only know of one time where he spent time on the internet looking at porn for any amount of time. I noticed all the sites in my history files, and I asked him about it. He told me that he very rarely looks at porn and if it bothers me in any way, then he will not look at it anymore.

I told him that I'm not against people looking at porn...its part of our society and everyone has the right to expose themselves to big cultural influences and make up their own minds about them.

But I also mentioned that I know that porn is related to sex addiction, disrepect toward women, and has a conditioning effect, and I really need to understand what his own interest in it is. He basically said he shares my point of view and that he's sorry he was so thoughtless.

Jan, the problem with your partner IMHO is that he really isn't caring about your feelings. Whether its porn or anything else...a man is capable of accommodating your emotional needs. Youreally have to learn to believe this, even you have't met such a man yet. You don't have to tolerate it. There are much, much better people out there. Just have some faith!