Trouble in Paradise-Younger friends

Hello everyone! Just a quick question?? How do all of you deal with the socio-economic differences with your ym's friends? As I have stated previously, my love who is 26 (I am 44) is moving here to be near me so that we can cultivate this wonderful love we have. He has just informed me that his friends (all 5 of them) are moving down as well. This is fine and dandy except for the fact that one is an ex-lover and all of them smoke a lot of grass.
Well now, I am no snob, however my days of sitting around smoking pot are long over with. I have worked extremely hard to achieve a degree of financial and professional success. I am sorry, but I have this visual of coming home one day and finding a bunch of 20 somethings sitting in my sun room smoking dope!! UGHHH!! My ym assures me that he will tell them that I do not approve. But they are also ALL either unemployed or working at convenience stores for minimum wage (all are in thier late 20's early thirtys). My ym is nothing like that, as he is a very hard worker and is intellectualy and spiritually wise beyond his years. I certainly don't want him to give his friends up, but our social circles are quite different. How can I mix our two lives successfully? How do you guys do it?

THANK YOU!!!

Im sorry but this just does not sit well with me. This sounds more like Spring Break than the pursuit of a serious relationship. You are going to need to set some very real boundries or you may just end up with you home being turned into the party palace. I would have to question how serious you bf is about the relationship if he does not want to make this journey on his own. Where do these friends plan to live, with you or in some communal apartment? Oh my, Good Luck but I know if I was in your shoes I would see big red flags waving all around.

They actually plan on getting an apartment together! All six of them!! My bf's grandparents live down here so I am trying to convince him to move in with them instead :-) (without friends)

I'm sorry but a guy who hangs out with dope smoking buddies and an ex-lover too. none of whom have steady jobs sounds like he might not the the prince charming you want to believe he is. You can pretty much judge people by the guys they hang out with and this crowd sounds more like teenagers than midtwenties. Why is your guy with them? Is it for the dope? I think you are right about coming home to a house full of potheads who have raided the fridge and wonder why you are being so bi*chy about it.

I won't allow drugs in my home and won't associate with anyone who does them. Dope is the right word. It's illegal (in the US) and its irresponsible partly because its illegal but just as much because it makes you stupid and lazy. I've never known a successful pothead.

That he wants to move all of them down with you doesn't say much for him wanting to start a new life with you. Sure he loves you but he still wants to get stoned with his buds and maybe if he's stoned enough that ex will start looking pretty darn good.

If it was me I'd have a real good cry and tell him to grow up and call me back when he's ready to act like an adult.

Ps. How long have you known this guy?

That is so crazy that whereever you and your YM go...these people seem to follow. Are you sure they are not the cast of the "real world"? Hee hee hee hee. You know if they visit into your new apartment and smoke pot, you and your YM could be taken into questioning as well. They just need to stay where they are and they don't need to move. As the saying goes..."misery loves company."

Im curious.........where do he and his 5 friends live now? all together or separate, in parents/relatives homes or are they able to support themselves?
Regardless of any other details here this is strange enough on its own.
I guess if it were one responsible hard working friend then it wouldnt seem so strange for the 2 of them to get a place near to you, share expenses and have your man further explore and cultivate the relationship.
I am the same as Firefly_Girl when it comes to drugs and those involved with them to any extent---I will not tolerate it.

Can you give us more details on things?

You are so right!! I feel as though the whole cast of the real world is moving down with him. He lives in a very small town in Vermont, and has "grown up" (is that the appropriate word?????) with these people. I have known him for over a year
and he is wonderful when we are together. But I never knew about his "pot head" friends until recently. All I can hear is DANGER!DANGER!DANGER! Will Robinson (Lost In Space :-) Alien life forms detected!!

Personally, I will never date another Pothead. I remember sitting in the living room on a beautiful Saturday morning with my then (pothead) boyfriend and thinking what a great day for a bike ride, the park, etc. He had just gotton stoned and only wanted to sit and stare at the boob tube. YUK. If this guy wants to come down, fine, but I would not let him move in or you may just get stuck with more than you bargained for. Please take your precious time with this one!

Ravenglow,

In answer to your question. My ym moved back in with his mum, to save money, for a down payment on a home or condo down here, as he was living with two of these moochers who kept letting him pay most of the bills. Two are living in apartments, (the two moochers) and two are living at home.

Joi -

Until he's capable of moving independently to be closer to you, then your relationship will always be secondary to his relationships with his friends. An adult would either say:

I'm sorry - I can't move right now - I have to many connections in Vermont that are important to me and I don't want to leave them right now. Can we try to have a relationship over the distance until I'm in a better position to move?

OR

Well, I'll really miss my friends. We've had such a tight social circle for so many years. How would you feel if I went back to Vermont for one weekend a month? At least until I make some new friends over here?

Since he hasn't said either, you would have to conclude that you're not really dealing with an adult.

I'd leave him in Vermont and take an occaisional trip to visit him if you get lonely waiting for someone who actually wants to share your life with you....

Hi Joi,

Drugs aside (thats a whole other issue), in a way it sounds kind of fair enough that if your bf is rellocating in order to get to know you better, then it will be easier for him to adjust if hes living in a place with people he knows. Think about it...you're not offering him a place to live, and hes left with a choice between granny or his friends. Hes going to pick the friends, anyone would.

Ok, whatever it takes to get him to move closer to you.

But then you need to get him out of there, if you want to live as a serious couple. Don't worry, a share house of that size will drive him nuts very quickly, especially when he has your place to go to for blessed retreat. .....dealing regularly with five other people, their partners, and friends turns to chaos very quickly. Any dreams they have it being the ideal party envionment will fall apart when they start dealing with the division of household chores, differing levels of hygeine, boundaries, privacy, conflicts, jealousies etc etc. Some of those friendships will fall apart.

Do you intend to live with him in the future? Do you object to his use of pot?

I know you're worried about the ex-lover and that he might prefer the whole party lifestyle, but in reality it sounds like its going to be a whole lot more unglamourous than any of those guys are expecting. I'd be very unhappy with that living arangment for my bf, but from experience I expect that he'll be spending most of his time with you and that if you really want him to, he'll will want to move in with you way more than staying in the house of chaos which a buch of poor and untogether friends.

I have a lot of opinions about drugs (all negative) ....is this also a big issue, or more secondary?

I'm SOOO glad that to me a YM is in his 40s LOL. Just a bit of humor here.

Hi Joi,
I went back and read your thread - twice, and never could see where you'd posted about WHY these other 5 people are moving down when your bf does. I guess I just dont understand that part...why they have to come too? Dont they have their OWN lives? Does your bf think he cant function without all his friends around? I mean, he'll have YOU - it isnt like he'll be alone. Besides, people move off to college by themselves all the time. They move for job reasons too - sometimes alone and sometimes with their husband or wife. I dont know... just seems kinda strange to me.

And as far as the weed goes, I may be old fashioned, but "when you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas". I just cant see how or why he'd be hanging around with these kind of people if he doesnt participate in their extra-curricular activities too. I would think it would be kinda like when you're the only sober person in a room full of drunks - not much fun! And like someone said - it IS still illegal! I'm afraid I just wouldnt want the stuff that close or take a chance of getting in trouble over it. And if you've known him for a year and are just now finding out about his pot head friends, then maybe he has been keeping other things from you as well.

I hope I havent come across as too harsh, but you're seeing the red flags yourself - take them to heart! Your gut feelings are hardly ever wrong!

Good luck,
Southerngal

there are bits and pieces of great information in all of the above posts, wise people here=)....i, too, would take some time and consider why his friends are moving down? My fear would be that living with 5 others, esp. if they are unemployed and hangin around doing drugs all day...WILL get OLD quickly...he will then seek refuge in your home...and the others likely to FOLLOW him there...for food, companionship, money....whatever of you and their friend who seems to be the only one who IS employed at the moment...then you WOULD have to deal with coming home to find not only HIM taking refuge from his living arrangements, but perhaps the others too. Yup, red flags are flying....take your sweet time with this one! Southerngal is right....that good 'ole gut feeling....sometimes God knocks at our door and says...my child....DANGER AHEAD=).

Another question...would it be inappropriate to discuss options with his mother...she is one of my best friends and is as concerned as I am about these so called friends?? She keeps asking what I think but up to now, I have not commented :(

I could see one friend. One roommate but geez five is a little over the top.

I would be very suspect of this guy's maturity level. And they all work at convenience stores and the likes?

This doesn't sound good to me at all. Sounds like you might be setting yourself up for some bad stuff, lots of hurt down the road. I'd say run.

Cindy

I had to write back quickly because I read Blondie's post and it made some sense to me for sure.

Very, very interesting point of view.

It has caused me to rethink a bit and to consider what Blondie says.

Yes, indeed leaders may attract weaker individuals who emulate them. Eventually though leaders will seek out other like minded individuals. Who is to say that at 26 he is ready to do that though? And that isn't necessarily a bad thing if he's not there yet. I was a late bloomer at about 35 before I started smelling the roses. People bloom at various stages. Greg said he got it at about 25 - that is it started hitting him that it was time to sit up and take responsibility for the direction of his life.

So perhaps better to communicate more and determine your guys true strengths and of course his weaknesses. Even perhaps as Desert Spring said - tell him to stay home and that you and he can visit more until you are really sure of the relationship.

It doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship but rather giving it more time.

Cindy

****Another question...would it be inappropriate to discuss options with his mother...she is one of my best friends and is as concerned as I am about these so called friends?? *******

Joi,

Be careful. I socialise with a lot of twenty-something males who would never take orders from their mothers regarding something as personal as living arrangments, and would be horrified if their gf's tried to gain leverage over them through their mothers. I know thats not not what your doing, but it might appear that way to your bf.

Just one last thing, Joi,

I dont know if you've been following any of my posts about my `adaption difficulties' to my 24 yo bf's friends.

Anyway, my situation is different to yours, but there are some common themes: My bf is popular and probably always will be. He is accepting of most people and doesn't discriminate because of drug use or age. He socialises with women who are possesive of him. His social groups comprise mostly of twenty and thirty-somethings, and are well established.

Although you haven't gone into details about the pot element, it sounds to me like youre basically overwhelmed by the complexity of the social ties in your bf's life.

I felt this way too. And I've had to work hard to achieve a sense of comfort amongst all this. I could have lost the relationship at any number of stages while we sorted this out, but instead it made our relationsip stronger and happier for both of us.

All I'm saying is that although this seems overwhelming right now, if you basically have good intincts about your bf, you can sort it out, one day at a time. A lot of people told me to walk away from my bf when things got tough, but frankly I'm glad I didn't.

When I read this I just shake my head. Joi, when I met Dave he was just turning 26. He was living with crazy roomies and worked hard to get away from them and be independent. He didn't drink, smoke or do drugs and wanted to make sure that I didn't either. He wanted someone who would make a life with him and be a partner. He moved here on his 27th birthday and was ready to do anything he had to do to be a good partner and eventually, a good husband.

I don't see that this this YM. Dave had some guys he gamed with who were like these losers. He called them the "Voc Ed bunch" since they were not college or career material. He didn't party with them and certainly didn't want to bring them with him. His best friend, who became our Best Man, is a mature responsible person who has been a great role-model for Dave.

A man who is interested in starting a new life with a woman doesn't drag his pot head friends along with him. Your home would almost certainly become Stoner Central as you would have the money to buy munchies when their cash ran out.

You had better find out exactly what this YM has in mind if he wants to drag all these losers along with him. I can pretty much guarantee you from experience that you are going to get your heart broken if you let this relationship go any farther. He is interested in a good time and, for the moment, you are it. He's not mature enough to hold up his end of a relationship. It's not the age -- it's the maturity gap that is your problem here.

I hope you take this very slowly and don't let him break your heart.

Peace,
Jane

These people all sound like opportunists and mooches. Seriously, it doesn't sound like he has found true love... it sounds like he's found an easy hit for a place to crash and a meal source.

Would you really want 5 of your boyfriend's friends living with you??? That sounds insane. Not to be rude, but are you actually going to be surprised when this turns out to not be how you want it to be?????

You have plenty of warning! Most people wait years to find out that their boyfriends are not perfect... you already know!!!!

I have no idea why his friends have decided to move down??This was very sudden, and yes I knew before that his friends smoked pot, (he doesn't- at least not around me) I just never thought the "pot heads" would be moving with him:rolleyes: When he phoned tonight he said that his unemployed and barely employed friends thought that they would have a better chance in landing good jobs here in FLA. What without an education and only 7-11 convenient store experience!!:confused: The hard part is that I just adore this man, and he treats me like a princess. When we are together he doesn't even drink (because I don't). It is almost unbelievable that he associates with these clingons..His mom said she has been trying to convince him to come down on his own...Unfortunately, he has been with these "kids" since grade school and she says that since there is nothing to do in her little town all the kids seem to smoke grass to relieve boredom. I think I would go snowmobiling or skiing instead!!! :confused: I cannot begin to tell you ho wmuch your opinions mean to me. I know that there are major warning signs but he has treated me better then any man I have ever known. I hope I am not being naive, I guess we will see...:(

In answer to your question. No, it does not bother me if he drinks around me. I have stage 4 liver disease and if I were to drink I would die.(or else I would drink- I love wine!! ) I also do not eat meat :) The pot thing is a tad bit different... the only reason being is that it is illegal!! He knows how I feel and completely understands. But smoking weed occasionally and being "pot heads" as I know his friends are, is something I know I could not cope with.

I too smoked grass when I was his age, but "older and wiser"
as the saying goes:)

Joi,

Although his friends are pot heads, barely employed etc, do you personally relate to any of them as potential friends too, or have you kind of written them off? I think whether or not you like them will make a difference to the situation.

I've got to say that the age group of my partners friends is the only obvious sign of us being in an age-gap relationship. I kind of prefer this generation myself to my own.....most of my friends in my age group have children and commitments which makes it very hard to arrange time to be together. Also, a lot of my partner's younger male friends have a refreshingly respectful and compassionate attiude towards women and accept me with open arms. Plus I guess I share the same taste in music and find myself compatible with them in most culture-related ways.

Do you have anything in common with these people, or would you prefer them out of your life?

I also do not eat meat.

Cool, Joi, I am a vegetarian, too.

How long have you known him? You live pretty far apart did you meet on line? How many times have you actually been with him in person if you met on line?

I'm just wondering if you REALLY know this guy or if you are seeing what you want to see. Him being a hard working guy with doper friends just doesn't sound right. it sounds like you are going to take the chance. Most of the breakups here come from moving too fast before you really know someone. I've found that love can wait if its real. You don't need to hurry it. Give it some time and see if you can't work out the problem with the friends instead of letting them descend on you to almost certain disaster.

It seems like you're willing to go along with this on the basis that he's young and has different priorities, needs, etc. Let me assure you that very few women his own age would tolerate this situation (even ones who have very little problem with the pot-smoking issue). Maybe moving down with one or two friends would be okay, but not five. That sounds like he's either incredibly insecure and has to have his friends around constantly, or he's looking at this move as just a chance to party in Florida. It doesn't even make sense from a financial standpoint. Certainly living with people who can't find meaningful employment is not the best way to split the bills.

If he's incapable of telling his friends that he doesn't want all of them to come with him, or if he's so insecure about moving to a new place that he can't go without them, how big a part of his life do you think they're going to be once he's there? He's not just going to be living with them, he's likely going to be spending the majority of his time with them, whether it's with you or without you.

For whatever reason, he enjoys the company of these people and thinks he has something in common with them. If he didn't, he'd be looking at this as an opportunity to leave his mooching friends behind and make some adult friendships. If you're going to have a relationship with him, it looks like you're going to have a close relationship with all of them as well.

You are getting some great advice and not to beat a dead horse, but it just could be that the friend thing (yes, 5 does seem excessive) is a security blanket for him. At 26, coming from a small town this is probably a big move for him and he's maybe feeling a little shaky about it. I'd sit and talk with him to try to get to the bottom of what's going on w/ bringing all his friends, esp. given they aren't exactly on the fast track to success. A guy, even at age 26 doesn't necessarily equate to all " growed up" so maybe he needs a bit of understanding here also. I'm sure you'll find a way to have this work out...good luck. :)

Joi,

Although his friends are pot heads, barely employed etc, do you personally relate to any of them as potential friends too, or have you kind of written them off? I think whether or not you like them will make a difference to the situation.

I've got to say that the age group of my partners friends is the only obvious sign of us being in an age-gap relationship. I kind of prefer this generation myself to my own.....most of my friends in my age group have children and commitments which makes it very hard to arrange time to be together. Also, a lot of my partner's younger male friends have a refreshingly respectful and compassionate attiude towards women and accept me with open arms. Plus I guess I share the same taste in music and find myself compatible with them in most culture-related ways.

Do you have anything in common with these people, or would you prefer them out of your life?