Sharing Money

Hi everyone,

I suppose a lot of us OW are better off finacially than our YM partners, and I'm wondering what stance the rest of you take with regards to sharing resources and money? In my longest relationship, I guess I was pretty open to the money-sharing thing, and over the course of years this attitude worked out well.....each of us had similar earning potential, but when things changed (such as being in-between jobs) we would lean on the other person. I was happy with this arrangment in the past, because over time things balanced out.

My bf works as well as studies at university, but his earnings only surpase mine during semester breaks. So for about 8 months out of the year, he earns about half my wage. During semester break he earns about 300 dolar more per week. He pays his equal share of rent and bills, and does a lot more housework than I do because he has more free time.

I'm planning to start saving for a deposit on a home this year, and I don't think my bf will be able to contribute as much me for another 2 years at least. And even then, he said he would really love to raise our child after he's finished university so that I can still bear a child relatively young, and continue my career (which is something I want very much).

Ok, this is where things get really tricky. My bf wants us to have a joint savings account for our home deposit. He has offered his income up to take care of our living expenses, so that I can put my wage into our savings. His income will take care of the bulk of our rent, bills, and food . My savings will take care of our future home.

The problem is that I am fully aware that if I keep my savings account separate and buy a house in my name, it will keep me financially safer and possibly give me more leverage in the relationship. But, dammit, why am I thinking this way? We've talked a lot about marriage and I am thinking of suggesting that we keep our bank accounts separte until we've sorted that out

What do you guys think?

Why not just contribute proportional accounts of your income (say $200/mo from him and $500/mo from you or whatever the amounts are) and keep them in individual savings accounts in each of your names?

That way, you can decide how to buy property together when you're actually ready to buy and have the cash on hand and each of you has access to and responsibility for, your own funds until then.

Desert Spring has a great idea. If you are nervous about sharing your accounts then don't do it at least not yet. If you are really serious about marriage, maybe its time to do more than talk about it. Being engaged is fun and you are one step closer to making things permant and it sounds like this is what you two want anyway.

Discuss it seriously with him and then do what the two of you agree is best.

Great idea, DS. I do know unmarried couples who are secure in their relationships who have a joint account for household expenses and it works out great for them. From what I know of your situation, Bella, I would strongly support your plan to keep all accounts separate.

My boyfriend and I have no business in common. He makes less than I do. I pay my mortgage and my condo fees and the utilities, except for the satellite dish. He pays whenever we go out and he buys a lot of groceries, etc., and sometimes fills up my car and is very generous about helping out my family and our friends. We use his car whenever we go out anywhere together. He also buys things like VCRs, computer monitors, etc. He does a lot of work around the house and is installing some new floors for me. He also put some in for my sister this year for free. When his business picks up, I will ask him to help out more with the utilities, but I don't want to entangle personal finances until our future together is a sure thing. If we ever decide to break up, I don't want to have to worry about severing financial as well as emotional ties. We women have to keep both our feet solidly planted on the ground and not let Cupid's love potion knock us off balance financially.

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses! I know that if someone else asked me to comment on this situation, I'd be all for the financially-protective stance. But going through this myself, I feel very put on the spot.

I personally do see some benefits in sharing a savings account with my partner, and its kind of the `done thing' amongst our other cohabitating couple friends and family. I guess my partner is modelling his expectations of how couples behave finacially from the people he knows.

The trouble is its risky, and the risk is mine alone. I'm not quite sure how to communicate this without also communicating mistrust or making him feel bad about not being the bread-winner. I'm very concerned about the emotional consequences to our relationship if I take a stance of lack of trust, but i also don't want to do anything stupid.

I guess I need to think more on this.

Robin and I used to put everything into one pot. We worked together, we took the money and put it all into a joint checking account, and we paid the joint expenses PLUS the personal expenses out of it.

After 3 years, some degree of hostility on both parts emerged.

Robin has FINALLY gotten a job apart from me (loved working with him but there wasn't enough business for both of us) and we have agreed to seperate the expenses. He pays his expenses, I pay mine, we both contribute to a joint banking account for joint expenses. I didn't like the idea at first, but now I LOVE it!:) I can spend money without his approval, and vice versa.

As far as your buying a house, at some point, it's going to need to be a joint investment. It wouldn't be fair to him if it wasn't. Remember, he might not have much earning power now, but ten years from now, that will change, and even more so, when you retire, he'll still be working and bringing home a paycheck.

I have to add also, Robin saved me THOUSANDS of dollars because he knew how to do home repairs and light to moderate remodeling. Sweat equity is where it's at. Don't ever take it for granted.

Another thing, you could become sick or disabled and totally have to rely on his income at some point, so don't be too selfish with yours. Karma!;)

My dad said that finacially, an ow/ym relationship is a really great thing. One still has a lot of earning power years after the other has retired, thus keeping the style of living up to par. You may have to give more now, but he'll make up for it tenfold.

It seems to be that if he is paying the bulk of the household expenses from HIS income, thereby allowing you to save up a downpayment from yours, that he has every claim in the world to joint ownership of the house and you have zero financial leverage whatsoever.

Would you really live off his income and then buy a house only in your own name?

Isn't that not unlike a woman facilitating a man's career only to be left with nothing to show for it?

If it's even an option for the property not to be marital property than I'd definitely keep the monies seperate up until the purchase date. :>

Wow Desert Spring,

You must think I'm a real cow if you think I'd use my bf's money for living expenses a whilst saving up for a home deposit using my savings account:)) No, of course I wouldn't do anything like that, silly!.

The leverage thing I mentioned is more about a phenomenon I've noticed in relationships where the woman is highly power-conscious. I don't neccessarily agree with it, but it seems to work. For example, my ex land-lady (who lived upstairs from me for two years) kept all her assets and savings separate to her defacto partner until he married her. He couldn't wait to get a ring on her finger when he knew that it was the quickest way to get set up in life.

I've noticed this happening with quite a few tougher women I've known over the years, whereas I've never been proposed to in my entire life. Sometimes I wonder if its something to do with giving my bf's everything they want, leaving them with no incentive to commit to me further..........anyway thats the general gist of what I mean by` leverage`.

Ok, I re-read the post and I got it now :>

Sorry, I misunderstood .....

I have no idea what's the fastest way to get a ring on one's finger, LOL - but married or not, I've always kept my savings and checking accounts independent and simply joined forces for mutual expenses based on proportionate incomes.

It really has never struck me as lack of trust, just comon sense and one less thing to have to fight about :>

Well I ended up talking about this with my bf last night...I wasn't going to bring it up but I find it almost impossible to keep quiet when there's something on my mind.

I guess Im very concerned about putting myself in a position where I can be financially abused, and there was no easy way to say this without causing offense. Anyway, I just came out and said it, even though it hurt and felt uncomfortable.

Generally we've talked a lot about marriage and our future together, and I wanted to know if he considered our relationship to still be on trial in his opinion. I told him that its something I can understand, but if this is a trial period for us, then I don't feel comfortable making a complete financial committment to the relationship.

Anyway, this was a very uncomfortable discussion for me. I don't think I did a terribly great job of it either. I basically kind of blurted out all my fears and didn't really have any great answers regarding how to deal with them.

When we woke up this morning, I talked a bit more about marriage and asked where he was at with all this. He said he thought it would be best to wait until we worked our problems out a bit better. I started to feel like he was trying to get me to commit to supporting him financially without making a committment of his own. he said ` I am committed, I couldn't be more committed'...and I said that if really feels that way, why can't he show me that committment formally, in front of all his friends and our families?

Things got a bit uncomfortable and we talked in circles for a bit. Then I told him that I can accept it if he wants to have a trial period before marriage, but that if its a trial, I don't want to commit my entire financial resources to the relationship.

Anyway, in the end he said he would like to get to get married, and plans to save up for a ring. I guess we'll see what happens.