Big blow out

Had a crappy weekend. My bf and I had a big fight last night. He had bought me a diamond ring on Friday (not an engagement one or anything) and it finally came out last night that he thought I didn't care about it, that somehow I had sort of brushed it off although he meant it to be special. Sigh. Big blow out. Very tiring. We made up and cuddled and stuff but I feel drained.

Here would be the point where, in my past relationships, I would end things because it is just too much work, and too emotionally difficult. But I love him, and I want to make this one work, you know? I always run away, and where has it gotten me?

I'm torn right now between wanting to see him and hold him and kiss him, and telling him I need some time off to think.

I'm not used to fighting. My marriage was polite and distant -- no fights, even when we ended it. Fighting is normal, right? I feel really vulnerable and tired right now.

Thanks Nessa! I bet you are right about the impending move making you guys tense. I totally hear you about wanting to throw your hands up and walk away.

We didn't have the make-up sex. When my bf is upset, he just wants to cuddle. :( He's sweet, but you know, like... give it up, man! ;) jk

The amount of fighting is usually equal to the amount of fevered passion in a relationship. The relationships that involved the most fighting for me were usually the more memorable. Sometimes it is fun to fight. Sometimes you find that person who you look forward to sparring with. And to have some wonderful make-up time? Nothing in the world beats that. I think fighting is perfectly normal. True, it can get destructive if it gets harmful or abusive, but not all couples who fight go down that road, nor would they ever. They are just expressing their inner passions. I find that couples who don't find have empty amount of passion between them. It seems nice and tidy for a while, but eventually one of them will turn, knowing that something is missing in their life.

:) Sally,

Yes, apparently he didn't feel like I appreciated his gift. The thing is, he gave me the gift because I had a stressful final exam the next day, and he wanted to do something nice. Which was really sweet of him. But I was still stressed out due to the impending test. So I guess I somehow didn't seem as grateful or whatever as he would have liked. And I can see that, so I apologized to him, and told him how thoughtful and sweet I thought it was, etc. etc.

The problem, as I see it, lies in the fact that he didn't tell me right away how he was feeling, but rather let it 'fester', I suppose, until last night. He was really sensitive all day and projected this on to me, accusing me of being overly touchy, which I really don't think I was. Then we ended up just getting on each other's nerves all day, and I ended up walking out, because I couldn't deal with it anymore. I know that was wrong of me... I always try to run away. Anyway, I called him right away when I got home and apologized, we squabbled a bit, he ended up coming over, and we were just yelling at each other... nothing mean or anything, but it was exhausting. And THEN it came out... that I had supposedly just brushed off his gift, which I don't think I did.

The thing is, I don't care about material stuff. So I was very grateful for the present as far as what it represents, ie a token of his affection. I don't know.

He really is a sweetheart. He's caring and thoughtful, sweet and fun, intelligent and trustworthy. I love him with all my heart. But in this case, I really feel like he was being a little selfish. Like, he was only giving me the ring to get a big reaction of some sort, so I would praise him or something. Not just so I would have it... does that make sense? It's not like I just tossed it aside or anything... I felt quite happy that he had been thinking of me when he bought that. So yeah, I feel he was a little selfish. But he's human, I forgive him, we've talked it through, and I love him more than ever.

Thanks for letting me vent. This incident wasn't a deal-breaker or anything, just unpleasant. :) :) ((ALL))

Ok Pink, I know this is about your personal situation but beyond that it seems to be a fighting thread, perhaps we should start one? I have things to say about fighting in general... anyone????

I admire that you are restraining your initial tendancies of saying F it all and leaving because you felt so uncomfortable and drained, that is growth isn't it. You know you have something worth keeping, the good outweighs the bad, in a heat of passion you don't say then JUST GO THEN!!! I tend to do that unfortunately. Then try to recall the words, words better left unspoken, or typed as the case may be :D

My recent ex, was a very very thoughtful man. Gifts, surprises... but not the things I wanted, which numero uno was accepting my son. SO I know I never seemed all that appreciative of the gifts.. Got mad at him to tell the truth because I hate so much to be lied to that I also hate it when someone has to lie to me to surprise me.

You were stressed, the gift was wonderful, perhaps it would have been better to give it to you AFTER the exam.... but none the less you didn't cut and run... you fought your tendancies... GOOD GIRL :D

Aw Swan, thanks! I needed that!!! :) :D

Pink, I'm so glad you guys made up!:) The thing that concerns me though, is that you seem to avoid conflict. Having arguements is healthy as long as you don't get physically or verbally abusive. Arguing is unavoidable sometimes. You're not always going to be on the same page as the one you love. Sometimes it takes a bit of drama to get all the cards out on the table. Now, I know, I'm the drama queen, and I'm not suggesting that you go to the extremes that I do, but LET yourself get mad and argue. LET HIM get mad and argue. Nobody's going anywhere! Th

Hi Pink.

Boy, you are describing me exactly when you say that you run away when a relationship gets difficult. I am better now than in the past, though. I have really been controlling my flight instinct and forcing myself to work on relationships and it has paid off. It sounds like your guy is worth it, so just be the first to give in and apologize and thank him profusely for the lovely ring.

As the Love Goddess Sade advises:

In heaven's name why are you walking away?
Hang on to your love.
In heaven's name why do you play these games?
Hang on to your love.

Take time if you're down on luck.
It's so easy to walk out on love.
Take your time if the going gets tough.
It's so precious.

So if you want it to get stronger you'd better not let go.
You've got to hold on longer if you want your love to grow.
Got to stick together, hand in glove.
Hold on tight, don't fight.
Hang on to your love.

In heaven's name why are you walking away?
Hang on to your love.
In heaven's name why do you play these games?
Hang on to your love.

Be brave when the journey is rough,
It's not easy when you're in love.
Don't be ashamed when the going gets tough
It's not easy,
Don't give up.

If want it to get stronger you'd better not let go.
You got to hold on longer if you want your love to grow.
Got to stick together, hand in glove.
Hold on tight, don't fight.
Hang on to your love.

In heaven's name why are you walking away?
Hang on to your love.
In heaven's name why do you play these games?
Hang on to your love.

So if want it to get stronger you'd better not let go.
You got to hold on longer if you want your love to grow.
Got to stick together, hand in glove.
Hold on tight, don't fight.
Hang on to your love.

In heaven's name why are you walking away?
Hang on to your love.
In heaven's name why do you play these games?
Hang on to your love.

When you find a love, don't let it walk away.
When you find your love, you got to make it stay.
Don't let it walk away.
When you find your love, you got to make it stay.

You've got to hang on to your love.
You've got to hang on to your love.
Why are you walking away?
Why do you play these games?

Words: Sade Adu
Music: Sade Adu and Stuart Matthewman


http://us.ent1.yimg.com/musicfinder.yahoo.com/images/yahoo/epic/sade/sade_1_th.jpg

Here we go Polly, the aguing thread is coming right up... Can't hold back... must... post....

but I don't want to take away from Pink so I am starting a new thread.

GONNA BE A HOT ONE lol

Hey! Thanks to all who listened/read. The blow-out has blown over now... it's all good.

Hey Patricia, I love Sade! Gonna listen to some right now...

Polly, I'm glad too! :) Thanks! I do sometimes avoid conflict. It scares me, to some extent. But I have to say, when I do fight, I am a fair fighter. I don't hit below the belt and I try to avoid generalizations. I still avoid it.

My only concern for what you said is:

"Here would be the point where, in my past relationships, I would end things because it is just too much work, and too emotionally difficult. But I love him, and I want to make this one work, you know? I always run away, and where has it gotten me?"

You said your marriage was distant and polite and now you had an upset because you didn't show enough emotion to your YM over his gift. You seem to find this emotion thing tiring and a bit intimidating. Yes, it can be tiring, but it is also a part of living whereas it seems that in the past you were only existing.

You may very well be suffering from a low level depression. It's called dysthymia and it's extremely common and many people never realize they have it. I'm going to enclose a link with more information on it but much of the information makes it sound worse than it can be. Sometimes it's only experiencing life at a lesser level. Lesser excitement, lesser joy, lesser pleasure. You still enjoy things, but don't put as much emotion into it as others seem to. My sister has it and so does Dave. It can steal your happiness, so it's worth looking into.

Dysthymia (http://www.allaboutdepression.com/dia_04.html)

Peace,
Jane

Thanks, Jane. I'm definitely going to check that out! I actually am on anti-depressants, because I do have a tendency to get depressed. It starts with a situational trigger, but then it just snowballs. The two things could definitely be related... I never thought of that.

You are quite right... I do find it tiring and intimidating. The funny thing is, I am really good at enumerating my emotions, but not owning them. I am still not really sure what that means, lol, but a therapist told me that once, and I think it's really true. I can list in very vivid detail what I'm feeling, and come up with reasons why I'm feeling that, but then I at the same time am not IN TOUCH with my emotions. It's very confusing...

:) Pink, off to check the dysthymia website...

Dave used to have a lot of trouble "owning" his emotions. He was afraid to get angry and even more afraid to be happy. He felt he could hurt someone if he was angry and felt open to being hurt if he was happy...so he felt nothing. He actually used to get up in the morning and make himself numb, so that he didn't have to deal with emotions and the hurt they could cause him. He's also working on his tendency to be a black or white thinker...all or none...no in-between. This allows him to compartmentalize emotions which is another way of not dealing with them.

Emotions are hard because they make us really think and have to dig down and actually *feel* something. If you aren't used to it, this can be exhausting. I used to make him nuts with my typical Irish exuberance. I ride the highs of joy and the crushing lows of misery and can do it all within minutes and then soar up to being happy again. It just astounds him and leaves him feeling likes he's been on a rollercoaster.

Chronic depression can dull your emotions. Your glass is half empty but it doesn't bother you because you can't imagine it being half full. If you have never known the warmth of the sun you don't miss it. Its the same with feeling strong emotion. You have to want the sun and know that you are missing it before you can make yourself go out and look for it. That's so much easier said than done, though.

It's taken Dave about four years to be able to own his emotions and to let himself feel joy. Sadness has always been an easier, more familiar emotion for him due to his abuse as a child. But now he laughs all the time and isn't afraid that happiness will be snatched away. Anger, he's still working on, but it will come as he continues to heal.

Emotions are scary if you aren't used to them, but life without them is dull and grey. I'm willing to take some days with sorrow if I can also have ones filled with joy.

Good luck on your path to healing. It sounds as if you have a good start.

(((HUG)))
Jane