what does my ym mean by this ?

I was in a ow/ym thing a few years ago and got burned - he was embarrassed by the age difference and didn't want his roommate to see me when i came for a visit - he asked me to stay in his room when his roommate was around. Now i'm again trying to just have an enjoyable time with a ym and am going to visit but he asked if it was okay if we stayed in hotels while i was there - he says his roommate will hear us and the walls are thin. Is he just embarrassed about me being older ? He says age makes no difference and in many ways we get along so well. He's still surfing the dating website so i think i'm just another score for him. What should i think of his request ? This age difference - he's 34 and i'm 54 but young-looking - is spoiling things because of my paranoia. Really need advice.

Hi Jasmine!

I am 58 (and look really good) and my guy is 35. We have been together for 2 1/2 years.

You should be able to handle your gap easily enough if you truly feel comfortable with your new man. Perhaps, you should wait before feeling anxious about situations that haven't happened yet. I think a hotel should be okay. The roommate thing might be stressful for you, too. In the hotel, you guys can be in your own place on common ground, which should help you to get to know each other better. Later on, if the relationship grows, you can think about staying at his place. For now, just enjoy your new love interest!

I agree. get a hotel and enjoy yourself. I wouldn't read too much into it. At least at the hotel, you can 'get wild' and not have to worry about being quiet. ;)

Is this the first time you are going to meet? Does his roomate know about you?

And why not visiting his place without spending the night? Just to see if he's embarrassed or if it's just because of your privacy?

Originally posted by MariaLux

And why not visiting his place without spending the night? Just to see if he's embarrassed or if it's just because of your privacy?

Excellent suggestion.

Thanks for being so positive for me - i really was down til i saw these replies. The other website where i posted questions about this (askmen) made me out to be sick and twisted and desperate. Yes, it will be the first meeting and we'll probably just be platonic even if i have to share his bed - at least til we know each other better. I'm so encouraged by your telling me your ages - makes me feel it can work. The only thing working against it, despite the fact that we have so much fun talking thus far and he calls me so often and is so special, is that he's still on the dating website and denies it - i looked at his profile to see if he was as serious about me as he made me believe - the website showed him as being online every day since we met. Guess i don't quite trust younger men not to stray. He makes me weak in the knees and told me the same thing - it would be so good if we could make it work. What about the children issue? He wants a family one day. I don't want to fall any deeper than i already have - he sings me sinatra songs on the phone and calls me while he's on his motorbike - wow !!!

Sounds like a VERY good beginning. IF however he is lying about being on the dating site that isn't good. I mean, it's ok for him to be there but he should be up front about it. I have done those sites and if I started to see someone for any length of time I would expect him to stay off there... but that would be after MEETING at least, not now. But he should be honest.

In a small way it sounds like you may be putting the cart before the horse... in feeling you have a relationship before you ACTUALLY do... not judging here, it is my biggest downfall which is why I recognize it. You need to MEET and develop a true friendship... then he can get off the website, then you can meet his roommate etc. (though I do like Maria's idea)

Truthfully, seeing as how you are so tender and insecure... I really would try to keep it platonic... seems to me if you do sleep with him and it does fall apart YOU will be crushed.

The age itself wouldn't bother me... well maybe a little til after we met...

PS I don't think younger men stray any more than older men or younger women, or older women :D

Wow, Trish !! I didn't know these sites have glitches. It's lavalife that we met on, actually. I sure do hope this is why it shows him as online every day !! I mentioned it one time casually and then checked a few more times without saying i did and he noticed the difference in me - I assumed all the beautiful romantic gestures were meaningless after that and by that time, I was really falling hard for him so it made me sound a little clingy - i didn't want to share this goldmine. I will just cross my fingers about this.

By the way, thanks so much to all of you and your wonderful good thoughts. I feel a million times better since reading your warm words. You're all such good people and i'm glad to be amongst you. Sure makes me a lot more hopeful tonight.

Originally posted by jasmine2
Wow, Trish !! I didn't know these sites have glitches. It's lavalife that we met on, actually. I sure do hope this is why it shows him as online every day !! I mentioned it one time casually and then checked a few more times without saying i did and he noticed the difference in me - I assumed all the beautiful romantic gestures were meaningless after that and by that time, I was really falling hard for him so it made me sound a little clingy - i didn't want to share this goldmine. I will just cross my fingers about this.

No he is there, it isn't a glitch.. just mho.

but back to putting the cart before the horse what does that matter cept the possible deception? I mean meet him and decide if he is even worth the minutes you care.

meet him... and ... if you hit it off, demand...opps did I say that? expect that he will be off that site... if not PLAYER... been there done that, wish I had a freakin tshirt.

Is he in college by the way...

Let me tell ya about my niece, she has a computer at college and she lives in the dorms, but her IM is always on 24/7 because the college gives her unlimited AOL. she never shuts it down and she's always on away because she's either in classes or at work and it drives me bananas, not because I might write her and I'm waiting for a response that will never come, but because I think she should give her computer a bloody rest as its a new computer her mom gave her....and ok because I do expect not to look like a ninny waiting for her to respond;^}.

So don't assume and ask him.

Paris

LOL so true....

We have cable modem so we are ALWAYS logged on. I am not always at my computer, but it certainly appears that I am ;)

He means that he isn't yet comfortable being with you around his roommate - that's exactly what it means.

Since you are just meeting and don't really have a fully established relationship yet, I don't see why it matters - YET.

By all means, meet at a hotel and explore whether you really want to go further as a couple or not.

But he will have to be able to be open about you in all aspects of his life down the line - or there isn't really anything there.

I think maybe you're right - lavalife shows him as being on it yesterday. I'll talk to him when i get there - i don't want to spoil the trip. But i tend to think the hotel thing is a way of hiding me - i just don't have much trust in his words now. BTW, no worries -we're going to his ranch where he shares with a female roommate (my age) for the first night. I insisted on this for safety. Am so sad about this tonight - i thought i met someone amazing.

Why is everyone so eager to check into a hotel with someone they hardly know? Whatever happened to getting to know each other and being "courted", to use an old-fashioned term? I don't see how any man could respect a woman who would agree to meet him at a hotel after he has suggested that the rendezvous might be noisy and embarrassing. He is obviously expecting sex and I would lay odds that that is ALL he is expecting. I certainly wouldn't count on having any kind of relationship with him after that and he is probably fishing on that dating site for other women who are naive enough to meet him in a hotel room and fall for his cheesy romantic gestures.

If all you are in for is some wild anonymous sex then, yes, by all means GO FOR IT! But please quit kidding yourself that this is about anything else.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but again I say, ...JEEZ...get a clue!

Rain

Rain - I am all too painfully aware that I'm just a sex object in this charade but forgive me for wanting to believe the pretty words for a little while. You need to be in my shoes - I've been without teaching work for 6 years. I work as a phone surveyor - a mind-numbing job - as I wait for my pension to come due so I can go back to school. And I sit here looking out at a cold, neverendingly bleak white Canadian sky in the north. I'm tired, soul-tired. He breathed some excitement and happiness into me -the first in a long, long time. If it's just sex, fine. I just want to pretend i lived for a little while. But wouldn't it be nice if it turned into something good ? I won't have sex with him right away - just cuddling. My soul needs it so bad.

Jasmine, because you can enjoy the rendezvous for what it is!

I just worry that you will want it to be something else and then get hurt and disappointed because the illusion crumbles. I would rather you feel good about yourself and see yourself as worthy of someone who can wait to get to know you instead of "casting your pearls before the swine". I'm not calling this guy anything bad...he may be a great guy! But if you are too careless with your heart and give him intimate access so early, he will take you for granted from Day One. He is already lying to you and apparently hiding you from his roommates.

I think you still have the opportunity to let him know that you value yourself and that you expect him to value you, too and not treat you like a sex object that he can fool about his online activities and rendezvous with in a hotel...unless that's all you want and expect as well. My whole point was, don't deceive yourself and set yourself up for disappointment. Either act like you're the catch of the century and expect to be treated that way, or enjoy the rendezvous with zero expectations. I'm sure some people have stories of happy endings to relationships that started as a sex thing, but I would imagine that is more the exception than the rule and that a whole lot more others can tell the other side.

A good relationship, IMHO, starts with respect for yourself.

Bless you,

Rain

where you said you wouldn't have sex with him right away. But if you agree to meet him in a hotel, he will want and expect to do more than just cuddle and you could be setting yourself up for a bad situation where either you end up having sex and having to deal with your doubts and vulnerability or lead him down the path of expectation that he might resent. By his comment to you about being "noisy", he is clearly communicating his expectations in that regard.

Jasmine, I agree completely with my friends here, you know that already.

Girl, you don't have to hurry, there are lots of nice people just wanting to find love as much as you. I also think that if there was a common agreement that you both just wanted sex, it would be your choice and it would be okay. But you want more and that's where you'll get hurt, you'll be used, and you'll be dumped. Yes, you are right, there's always a little hope that he might not be this way, but the negative signs are so many...

You sound like you have been going through some kind of depression. You might get worse if things turn out badly. Love yourself a bit more, take care of yourself. You can give so much to a man, you haven't even met this one, it will be easier to forget him and find someone better...

But if you decide to go despite all, at least get your own room and meet him outside. Have you ever heard of the expression giving pearls to the pigs? At least make them beg.

Originally posted by MariaLux
Have you ever heard of the expression giving pearls to the pigs? At least make them beg.

Maria, did you know that is from the Bible?

"Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you." Matthew 7:6


Such wise advise!

Yes, it's from the Bible, Tru. And I think it's such a wonderful advice the Bible gives us.

Even if we learn that we should try to make people better whenever we meet someone, even the bible recognizes that some people are just not worth it, because they haven't learnt to respect the most sacred thing in this world, our souls, our love, ourselves.

We may help them without destroying what we have inside us.

Sweetie : Just pay for a separate room at the hotel. You don't know this guy and you will need a place of refuge if things don't go that well. It's worth the money! (Even if you don't use it).

As for the rest : I'm probably the worst person to give advice here. Every relationship I've ever had has started out as a sex thing. That's just me. I enjoy sex and I don't withold it to prove anything or to make him "work for it".

For me, it's a test. If he can still treat me like a full human being after sex, then I know there's a real person in there I could grow to care about, and if not, then I know everything I need to know about him right away.

Anybody that would "take a woman for granted" or "think less of her" because
she went to bed with him right away isn't anybody I would WANT to be in a relationship with.

But I don't get depressed or feel used and thrown away if sex doesn't lead to anything further, because my only expectation when having sex with someone is that I'll have sex with them.
It may or may not lead to anything further and that will depend on things outside the bedroom.

But as I understand it, I'm more or less a mutant kind of female around here - so perhaps you shouldn't listen to me - LOL.

I met someone I knew only through the Internet in a hotel in a foreign country once - but we'd been pen pals for 18 months and I knew him pretty well. It turned out not to be an ongoing romance, but it was an enjoyable idyll and we're still penpals and good friends:>

Just look out for your safety and don't do anything that doesn't feel right.

And have fun!

Originally posted by jasmine2
Rain - I am all too painfully aware that I'm just a sex object in this charade but forgive me for wanting to believe the pretty words for a little while. You need to be in my shoes - I've been without teaching work for 6 years. I work as a phone surveyor - a mind-numbing job - as I wait for my pension to come due so I can go back to school. And I sit here looking out at a cold, neverendingly bleak white Canadian sky in the north. I'm tired, soul-tired. He breathed some excitement and happiness into me -the first in a long, long time. If it's just sex, fine. I just want to pretend i lived for a little while. But wouldn't it be nice if it turned into something good ? I won't have sex with him right away - just cuddling. My soul needs it so bad.

BELIEVE ME NO JUDGEMENT HERE... sounds like a good vacation... but... I think you will get hurt.. maybe.. don't know... what about disease?

I met someone here on this site, after only one month of talking etc went down to meet him... had an AWESOME weekend.. not two or three days after getting back home it turned to hell in a handbasket... for both of us... less than a few months later we aren't talking, though I don't think he or I hold any grudges, no one was EVIL... just NOT MEANT FOR EACH OTHER...

trust me I know about breathed life into me... want to talk about the "guy from Irag" WHAT IS THAT I HEAR? a collective moan from the community "please no,,,, please don't go there, we are so freaking SICK of hearing about that."

Now, I am starting to worry and am rethinking my earlier advice. I assumed that you have known this guy for a long while. How long ago did you meet? Do answer Mrs. H.'s questions so that we can get a better feel for this guy. It may be a good idea to ask him about still being on the personals site, but has he made any verbal kind of commitment which makes you think he should delete his profile there? I didn't delete my personal ad right away after meeting my boyfriend and he kept his, also, despite the fact that we both wanted an exclusive relationship. Although I didn't accept any new suitors, it just helped me keep my options open for a little while until I felt that I could trust him for sure.

Desert Spring - you make perfect sense to me. So now we can form a club lol :)

Don't worry, Mrs. H - I've known him a few months and he's paying for everything - he's very sweet with me, bought me a funny little memento of Las Vegas this week, refuses to let me help with the phone bills (enormous !!). The travel is courtesy of a free airline ticket I got a while back. And I'll be fine - don't worry. I have friends in the place I'm going to.

Or does noone else get an odd sense about this?

Originally posted by jasmine2
But i tend to think the hotel thing is a way of hiding me - i just don't have much trust in his words now. BTW, no worries -we're going to his ranch where he shares with a female roommate (my age) for the first night.

jasmine, he lives with a female roommate who is your age? And then he wants to see you in a hotel? It just sounds like he's straight up cheating on a live-in girlfriend or wife, and that he has a "thing" for older women, any older women. Sorry to be so blunt about it but that's what it looks like to me.

I've known people who troll constantly for side dishes like this, sometimes with the knowledge of their main partner, and known people who have -been- the side dish. Ick.

In any case, stay safe and RUN if you have to. I know you're saying that it's just a bit of excitement for you but given the way it looks like you're being treated, it sounds more like...well...degrading, and I wouldn't want any part of something like this myself. Maybe I'm being an alarmist, but...I just wanted to say something. I think you posted because your alarm bells are going off. Trust yourself.

Goldie Cat and everyone else :)

I am still around and reading your posts, I just needed to step back a bit and digest your words of caution as well as look very closely at this fellow. And Goldie, I hate to say it but I think you might very well be right. Every day he alters the plan a bit, and now it looks as tho i'll be staying by myself at a hotel the first night since he has some evening work out of town. Maybe it's legit, but I don't think so. Granted, I'm arriving a day earlier than previously planned and he does have work committments but...he's used every reason in the book why the ranch isn't a good place for us to stay. Today I will ask some pointed questions for my own peace of mind - his roommate's name and phone number being one of these, also I'm going to request staying at least one night at the ranch. I've already indicated that maybe i'll come another time. Darn it all - it's my ticket and darn it all again - I deserve to be treated as the main course, not a side dish. Been there several times with internet dates who..Surprise !!... had a main dish. Soul-crushing.

What is so frustrating is hearing him say things are are quite possible as reasons but not being able to know the truth. I've learned that if you wait long enough, they show their cards - this fellow is laid-back but shows no enthusiasm for my coming, hasn't really given our itinerary any thought yet - I go in 2 days - and gets very annoyed if there's a hint of distrust on my part (sign of a liar).

I messaged him (he never picks up his cell at home and doesn't have a regular phone - strange but maybe not in CA) and i said i want to know if there's any possibility that he'll need to work and even stay out of town without me (meaning visit his woman) while i'm there and said if this is a remote possibility, i'm rescheduling. Of course i know he could promise not to work and still do it when i get there.

I'll get back to all of you later today with an update. You're so wonderful, caring this much about a total stranger. You've set my usually rusted, trusting wheels turning. What i'd like to know is - those of you who met SO's online, how on earth did you ascertain whether they were good people ?

I should be finishing something I have to do tonight, but before I go, I would like to answer your last question, Jasmine.

I met Jason online. From the moment we started talking romance, my first worry was to make sure I would not go faster than himself or to trust him more than I should. He only has a cell phone, no landline, which seemed strange to me. So to reassure me, he gave me his mother's phone number, went to her place and when I called, his sister picked up the phone. I asked her if I could talk to Jason, and she said to me, "oh is this Maria (my accent betrayed me)? This is Misty, his sister! Jason is back to his place, you can call his cell phone." Many good signs were clear there: he had told his family my name, where I was from, he really lived alone and he only had a cell phone. Exactly like he had said. Since the beginning we exchanged home addresses, he gave me his work email address (with the name of the company in), forwarded me his uncle email address (again his uncle's name was also there!). He gave me his whole schedule for the week, too, so that I would know at what time he couldnt be online, because of work, college or sports. I talked to his mom once and to his sister twice. All this happened in the first weeks we were talking to each other, except for talking to his mom, which happened the day he took the plane to meet me.
I don't think I would have the guts to meet a guy I couldn't trust 100%. In my opinion, you are playing with fire, and although I seriously hope you will be okay, you may get burnt.

Also, I am sorry if this is going to sound mean, but if I had invited someone to come meet me in Luxembourg and had made it clear I expected the person to get their own room (out of safety or privacy), and that person demanded to spend one night here at my place, I would feel very worried. I don't think you should demand that. You can ask him to play clean and show you his place, his roomate, etc. This is necessary to reassure you that his roomate is not a wife or a gf. But to demand to spend the night there sounds a bit scary to me.

Something is wrong in the way you are approaching this meeting, and probably the whole bad impression lies in the fact that we don't feel any kind of trust in this relationship. You should trust him and vice-versa before going to the next step of meeting.

Whatever you decide, though, we are here for you.

Originally posted by jasmine2

I messaged him (he never picks up his cell at home and doesn't have a regular phone - strange but maybe not in CA)

He says he doesn't have a landline? How does he hook up? Modem or broadband?

With a little investigating you can find out alot.
Good luck, be safe.

Yes Mrs H, in the back of my mind I knew that the background check idea came out of the same feeling of alarm. :)

Jasmine, as you've seen, many of us met our SOs online (including me and my own Jason) and, regardless of the actual details or what actions were taken on either side, the women in each case were readily given all kinds of supplemental information we could check if we wished, a clear sense that we planned meetings as a team, and that we were definitely -valued-. We looked out for possible red flags as one should, but one by one they were proven to be red herrings, and all was well in the end. :D

Your point about this guy having no enthusiasm for you speaks volumes, and so does the fact that he wants to control every aspect of your meeting. We can all analyze the moves that are being made into the next year, but you know already that there are so many red flags here, you shouldn't waste your time (and possibly endanger yourself) when there are so many GREAT guys to trouble yourself over. :)

In most online meetings that I know of, it has been the MAN who has traveled to meet the woman first. Some people actually believe that this is the way it "should" be in order to avoid some of the things you're wrestling with, because it's on her "turf" and she can have him stay in a hotel or some such arrangement, to begin with (but of course it doesn't stop any guy from -cheating- with this method either).

This is the way I and my YM worked our first meeting, in fact, the original plan was for him to stay with someone else in town that he knew and for him and me to meet in a public place. Little by little though, our plans morphed and he ended up simply staying with me the entire visit (...and it was fabulous, frankly. :D) I think your guy just wants all the "gain" and none of the "pain." Dump him. :P

yesterday was interesting - he was supposed to be "working" tomorrow night (my first night there), as i mentioned, and he phoned and said he wouldn't have to work but didn't say where he would pick me up. So i would theoretically be arriving with no idea of this. Why don't i ask, you're wondering ? Because he controls the conversation every second. Tried calling him last night - no answer. A lot of nights lately with no more of the customary phone call. Needless to say I am upset. Is this all a nightmare i/m dreaming ? Also, in a quick call yesterday afternoon he "jokingly" said maybe my trip would be a short one if i didn't like him or he didn't like me. Dead silence from me and his response was an accusatory " Hey !! Just kidding !! Lighten up !!.

Ladies - this is my free ticket and i'm watching it go down the drain for what will be a no-show possibly or at best, a lying cheater.

I'm with Nessa. This guy does not sound as if he is looking for a committed, loving relationship.

Jasmine, as someone who met their husband on line, I can tell you that you are going about this all wrong. You have allowed yourself to be mistreated by men. What's up with this stay in the room crap?! You don't do what a man tells you to do -- you tell them what you are going to do and then do it.

On the other hand...a good man who loves you will never tell you to do anything that you would not do on your own anyway. That's the difference -- love and respect. It doesn't seem that you have been getting either.

When you meet someone on line you must be freely given full name (first and last) home phone and cell phone numbers, home address, work number and address (or at least name of the company.) These are things you would normally know about someone you are dating in person so they should not be withheld just because you are in an online relationship. In short -- you aren't a secret. You should feel comfortable giving these numbers out as well. If you aren't then you need to think carefully about the guy.

Contact should be easy and constant. He should want to be with you as much as you want to be with him. Communication should be easy and fun. He should not contradict himself about facts like age, where he went to school, education, etc. If he does, he's lying and you need to call him on it. Maybe he made a mistake -- maybe he is a fraud.

Listen carefully to what he says and pay attention to how you are treated. If he doesn't treat you as well on line as he would in person, he's not who you think he is and you need to move on.

I hope you decide against seeing this loser. He sounds like he doesn't care and could hurt you. Probably emotionally, but you never know...so take care.

Peace
Jane

If he's "controlling the conversation every minute", then he's not respecting you, your perspective or your needs. That's not friendly and it's not humane.

Generally a good idea to avoid people that aren't friendly and aren't humane.

I'm all in favor of casual enjoyment, but it won't be enjoyable if he acts like a jerk and he's already there.

Just letting you all know i'm back home safe and sound. It was wonderful for the most part and i guess we'll see how it goes. I'm head over heels about him - he was so good to me. Don't worry - i'm keeping perspective through it all. Thanks to all of you for being here for me.

Glad to know you are safe and that you at least met him and have an idea of who he is.

So did you get to visit his ranch?

Yes, I did actually visit the ranch - first night there before we headed out for adventure in Yosemite :) Set in the rolling, green hills east of the Bay. You have the most exquisitely beautiful country. I have the most wonderful memories of the places I've been in the past few days and the people there.

When it came to discussing things with him re my fears and suspicions, I decided to take the go slow route so as not to chase him away. I didn't bring up any of it. But it did affect me somewhat - it made me suspicious when he'd step out to go get snacks at the store - i thought he was calling a girl perhaps. But because he reacts strongly to my not trusting him, I wanted to keep things casual. Maybe that's a bit of Chinese philosophy i'm trying to incorporate - to let things flow and see what happens. When we said goodbye, he said we need to make reservations for a place we saw on the coast - a wonderful sign i think. But I hate this long distance thing - i am so scared he'll forget me now that he's been with me. How do all of you handle it ? I'm going to do my best to get into school down there or find a teaching job in order to make this more normal. A good sign though - I stayed near the airport on my own the last night and he phoned me twice during that time. Need you to teach me how to handle this - how to keep him head over heels :)

He was telling the truth - the walls ARE very thin - i could hear his roommate moving around through them. And given that he's very traditional (doesn't like flashy dress or public displays of affection) his nervousness about being indiscreet fit his values. If this continues, and things are more solid, that's when i'll bring up my fears. But you have no idea how afraid i am that when he went into work yesterday, he might have gone onto the dating website. I will not look. Sometimes, even tho there were beautiful moments with him where he was very loving, i think that, given his enormous intelligence and out-going personality, he needs someone more like him.

Do any of you use the voice chat on yahoo messenger ? Would love to chat. Send me a private message to set it up and get my messenger ID if you'd like to chat :)

Can any of you relate to this ? This morning, so far away from him and remembering how he was sometimes very distant, and i'm so scared i dreamt all of the beautiful moments and that he's disappeared and that i was just an online fling. And i wish i could tell him how scared i am but he'd think i was needy and just tell me to relax. But i really am scared because it was so good with him.

If you were left with so many doubts after meeting this guy and spending days and nights with him, I'm afraid that you may be right that it was just an online thing. Unless you are extremely insecure and that despite anything he could do to reassure you, you would feel this way anyway.

Wait to see how he treats you now. If he's just not in a hurry to see you again, this is bad in my opinion. Being apart from someone you felt a connection with is really hell. :(

Hi Jasmine,

I'm glad you had a good time.

Hey, just a thought, but did you ever think that he's on the dating site looking to see if you've been on it? And, of course, he sees that you're on it every day. Hmmm...

:)

I hardly ever go to that website anymore cuz i know it'll depress me to see he's been on there and no, i'm sure he doesn't check to see if i'm on it. I'm not such a great catch that i could cause insecurity (i wish). And yes, Maria, I AM that insecure so i can't trust my judgment ever because of it. I just know he took me to the place by the SF Bay where he had phoned me from so i could hear the ocean before i came and this time he wrapped me in his arms so tight and then the next day he got all distant so i'm confused. I may have done something to annoy him - he's very laid-back and i was as excited as a kid at xmas. I think he found it annoying. I may have toasted a good thing.

I'm afraid i painted too pretty a picture about my time with my YM. I guess i wanted to believe dreams can come true. Truth is, he hardly calls since i got back and while we were together he was mostly cold and distant and not physically affectionate. What we had was perfunctory - i think any woman would have served the function I did. He was also drinking beer secretly in the shower and always seemed so remote. I knew i wasn't making him happy. So what the **** was all the romancing about before i met him ? I hate being apart. I hate not being able to say what i feel to him for fear of his disappearing before we can talk things out. I hate myself for disappointing him. I shouldn't have gone to meet him, should have heeded your warnings. Tonight will be long - I left a message saying i wished he had called and wondering out loud where he was. Dumb dumb dumb.

Well Jasmine, you need to help yourself. You have to deal with your own insecurity problems before you look for someone.

Yes, you sounded very insecure from the first post, what you do to yourself is not healthy, it's even dangerous. It's time you stop and repair the damages to be able to follow along this road you want to take. With a bad engine you won't go far and you might lose it forever. If you hit the road better prepared your chances to get there where you want are much bigger.

You say you are not a great catch. This is such a sad thing to say about yourself. Is this why you went to meet a man that from the beginning treated you often in a cold way? You say any woman would have done it for him, but don't you think that to some extent, any men who had showed some interest would have done it for you too? I don't mean with this that you are vulgar, not at all, but that you need love so much that you are not looking at who is offering and what he's offering really.

Please get help to increase your self-esteem. Life will be much easier for you then.

Hello, all. I am new to the group and very glad to have found you all. I am interested in this post because I, too, have not yet met any of my YM's friends and was concerned that he felt ashamed/embarrassed of me, though we both express nearly daily that we feel we are ageless soul mates who have loved each other in other lifetimes (and will again). We have a huge age gap between us (20 yrs), which he says is not an issue, but initially there were some growing pains (e.g., the first time we went out to dinner at the beach and I reached for his hand, he jumped, then apologized and after that it was ok). I have not met his family yet either, though he has told him mother about me (doctoring my age to make it 31 instead of 41, sigh) and she has told me on the phone that she cannot wait to meet me.

My boyfriend is loving, affectionate, passionate, appreciative and very sweet, though just as clingy and insecure as I am sometimes, it seems, which has thrown me for a loop. And although I have felt the happiest I have been in a long time and much good and joy has come in this relationship over the past 6 months, I have also experienced a lot of stress as a result due to the age difference and mostly my hangups and worries about not looking young enough, having a 41-yr. old body and a teenage son, and fears about being left. I thank all of you for being here and for listening and sharing your experience, strength, and hope. I feel we can all learn from one another, no matter our age or sex, and I am glad you are here. Thank you.

Hello and Welcome Pgato!

For a first post you practically summarized a lot of the problems many women face when they start dating a younger man, especially those in their 20s, a bit more concerned about what others will think than the older ones.

I would suggest you to open a thread with your post, because it's a very rich discussion that will probably be carried out best if taken away from here and put in its own context. There's so much to say to you!

What do you think? Could you open a thread and copy and paste your post?

If you need help, just le me know! :)

Dear Maria,

I thank you for your kind and thoughful reply. I will definitely do as you suggest, thank you. Hopefully I can figure it out fairly quickly, but in case not, thanks for the offer of help. I definitely would like to learn more from these strong and wonderful women here. I am committed to this relationship and would like to learn all I can about how to do my part in sustaining it as opposed to poisoning it inadvertently with my insecurities and fears.

Best wishes, Lynne

Lynne, up this page, on the right side of the window blue frame, you see two propositions, post reply or new thread. Go to New Thread and paste your previous post (or post again, as you wish) and click submit new thread when you are finished. You can also preview it.

If you want, in the new member's forum, there's a thread called photoalbum, you can also add pictures to that album (it doesn't belong to ageless, it's run by ageless members) so that we can see you and you can see some of us!

:)

Jasmine:

If HE was cold and unloving, then that's on him for acting like a jerk towards someone who was open to caring for him. It doesn't have anything to do with you when other people act badly : it has to do with them.

By somehow making it your fault, you can continue to pine after your idealized version of him.

So let's try this: He acted like an asshole, you were disappointed in HIM, and his behavior demonstrates that he isn't worthy of all this missing and pining.

You were brave enough to take a chance and that's wonderful. But not all risks pan out and not everybody is worthy of the love and affection that you may want to share with somebody.

Take all of that bravery and openness and look for someone who will be able to return it tenfold and write this loser off to what they call "experiences".

OK? Hugs ....

Wonderful advice. But how do I ignore that there were some wonderful shared interests and that the sight of this sexy man dropped my heart to its knees ? He just "fit".

Everything we do is a choice by us. You can either choose to continue to feel this way... or decide not to. Deciding not to will be hurt, but you will feel better faster when you realize your feelings are under your control and not at the whim of others.

"But how do I ignore that there were some wonderful shared interests and that the sight of this sexy man dropped my heart to its knees ? He just "fit""

You don't ignore it. But you reframe it to what's looking more and more like the truth.

You had a wonderful e-mail flirt and it seemed like there was a ton of shared interestsand it was a perfect fit.

But when you went to see him, it turned out that it was all an act and he was cold and unfeeling and self-involved.

It was a real disappointment, too - because he was darned cute :<

Won't it be great when you meet someone who lives up to their advance hype ?????? :>

Thanks for the above words - they are a huge help. I did something that maybe i'll regret - i left a mesage on his cell last night saying that i knew things were cooling and that i knew he was on the dating website every day. I probably won't hear from him again, even tho my words were gentle and understanding and even apologetic for not being what he hoped for. Such a waste of time, money and love. I wish he'd phone and say we have a friendship still - i loved his mind so much !!

Hi all,

You were right about him. I finally got to talk with him on the phone tonight and he said he was just lloking for a fling and that he expected we wouldn't see each other again ever. Nice, huh ? He didn't tell me this beforehand and in fact said we needed to make reservations at this great lodge on the coast for next time. Says one thing, does another. When i asked him why he said this if there was to be no next time, he replied that he was just feeling in a good mood at that moment. My daughter informs me that his saying he wants to have a platonic relationship with no more cozy late calls means that he is wanting to ditch me completely. I should have listened to you. I am feeling very stupid tonight. I tried to convince him i didn't want a long-term thing with him, that he wasn't my match but he didn't believe it, even tho by now i can see that it was not a match. I want friends with benefits but he doesn't want even that. Says he had a great time blah blah blah. Why the song and dance and day-long cell phone calls if that's all he wanted ? So confused. He doesn't even want a friendship from the coldness of his IM's to me, which i always initiate this week. I simply want friends with benefits - who wants a liar ? As for the story about not chatting other women on the website, I made a fake profile and guess who messaged me ? Right - him. So pissed off.

Originally posted by jasmine
Why the song and dance and day-long cell phone calls if that's all he wanted? Because he's a jerk. He strung you along for his own benefit with no regard for your feelings. That's what jerks do. It doesn't do any good to keep going over it in your head and trying to blame yourself. Obviously you want answers, but you're probably not going to get any more from him. Sometimes all you really need to know is that you're better off without him.

And don't disrespect yourself by offering a "friends with benefits" situation. He doesn't deserve even that much of your time or energy. I don't know why you'd even want to be friends with someone who would treat you like this. There are a lot of really great guys out there, but you won't meet any of them until you put this idiot behind you for good.

I really try not to post about my online hoax any more since I have so much many of you here scream at me to please stop but I keep seeing things come up that make me mostly want to say..

There are online people who seem like your soul mate.. That say everything any woman would ever want to hear... that strike every nerve and make every dream seem possible..

But for them it is a game..they KNOW they are saying what you want to hear, and for whatever reason they get a kick out of knowing that you have GENUINE feelings in return. Do they go go bed at night and just laugh?

I haven't posted this because you are all sick of it I'm sure, but my online hoax finally said.. that I was a wonderful person that did not deserve what he did to me and that he hopes I can forgive him and he hopes he can forgive himself.

Probably another lie.

Unfortunately, its more common then you think...

In the last 3 weeks I have meet, either online or in person, ym who think that being with an ow is only good for having awesome sex. We are more easily available for a "friends w/benefits" relationship, basically because we don't necessarily want to get married or want or can have kids. Then they date me and although they like me, the fact that I stand my ground, and I don't fall all over their good looks and hard bodies, throws them off. After all, they've worked their butts off to look as appealing to ow as possible and most have not had anyone turn them down because of it. I still have one who constantly writes me to see if i've change my mind...its driving him crazy that I, a woman with limited sexual partners, could not be so hard up as to not want to benefit from his expertise....sorry, I don't define myself by how many I sleep with.

Maria gave alot of good advice. You sound like a wonderful person, but you need to work out what kind of woman you utilmately want to be. you have to decide what kind of love and relationship you're worth having because most men can tell right off which women have no self worth and can be easily use. as much as you said you would take any kind of relationship with this guy, don't cheapen love for lust, it sounded like deep in your heart, you still wanted someone to love you for life. Its a wonderful thing to know someone loves you for the person you are and not what you're giving up first to keep him, this isn't high school anymore.

To thine own self be true...such an amazing sentence isn't it. Don't be what others say you should be, but be what you know in your heart to be your truest, purest form of self. It is your true self that will attract the best of someone else's heart as he recognizes himself through you.

Paris

Yes, but ... it's not that easy ... don't you for example eat a piece of cake even though you didn't want to, because you wanted to lose weight? Don't you sometimes unintentionally do things that you regret?

We hve no control over our unconscious, and there are many "wants" and "wills" there that are making the choices for us. On the other hand, sure, we can all try to make better decisions, specially when it comes down to relationships - saying NO to constantly being hurt for ex.

Yes. Of course, we all have done or do that. However, remember that cake did not forceable feed itself to me. I choose to eat it at the expense of my diet. I do things I regret all the time. The point is that I do them... nobody else forces me. Now of course, there are situations where one can impose their will on another, but they cannot force one to feel a certain way. How we feel is one of the few things that is absolutely under our own control (if we are not ill of course).

Its easy for us to claim to be at the whim of others... it releases us from our culpability in our feelings.

Just tell me one thing - was i wrong in assuming that when he called day and night several times each day for several weeks and said he adored me and was weak in the knees over me and was so sweet to me, wasn't that a sign he was infatuated and then when i reciprocated he pulled back ? Maybe he was feeling strong feelings and then got scared cuz he hates being hurt ?

Unfortunately in these days of women and men having their cake and eating too, there are various degrees of sheep in wolves clothing.

When someone calls you day and night several times a day, committed or a fraud it causes a desire effect, doesn't it...you sit by the phone and wait for his call, you're excited to hear his voice, your heart races and your stomach tinkles as you consider his words and remember his voice throughout the day and you become more entrench emotionally to subtle messages he's sending. It worked didn't it.

Maybe he was feeling strong feelings and then got scared cuz he hates being hurt ? This is your pride talking, don't you think...you really want to believe he couldn't have been fooling you. Its ok, but don't assume anything.

My experience is that when men are interesting in pursuing a relationship with a woman they are vocal, honest and sincere. They will pursue you and make whatever concessions need to be made to make you feel secure, safe and cherish. They will make you feel comfortable enough so that you can ask really hard questions.

I hope you can put this person behind you. he doesn't deserve one more wasted thought, give someone else the equal opportunity to find that you are a worthwhile person to get to know and be in love with.

Paris

I went to the SF Chronicle personal section to see if he was on that website also. He is - and guess what ? All that talk about him not wanting a serious relationship ? That was a lie, too. On his profile he says he's looking for a serioos relationship. I must be dog meat and this was his way of telling me he's not interested. He and i chatted last night and it was okay but i feel that the women he talks to online must be more interesting, prettier, smarter, more fun. Confidence is in the toilet - should have never gone there. Also, he gives the age-range he wants as 25-36 so guess his words about the beauty of age were BS. No more younger men for me. No more men period i think. By the way, he must be suh a player - the fake girl i made up has been given his pic and he's on that website first thing in the morning - must have not much to do at work.

hi everyone
this is a long thread. Jasman you have been given lots of good advice. My turn.
Quit stocking this creep. Move on to making better choices for you. Go out and hunt down girlfriends, they give us strength. Find a social organization like Parents without Partners (PWP) or Single Parents and get involved. I made so many friends via these groups. There are other groups you could join I am sure. This will give you an excuss to get away from the computer and phone and smile and laugh with other people.
I love internet dating, I am too shy to meet men other ways. One that I joined and it was free and full of lonely Alberta farmers is www.findsomeone.ca. You could possibly find someone closer and more appreicative of good company there.
But the best thing I ever did was meet a man near me from a phone chat line and even thou we did not find each other attractive we became friends and I meet all the other people he made friends with over the years. My best friend is another lady that dated him. We have a ball together and share our silly stories about silly men we have dated.
So Jas my advice is this is the turning point in your life where you can make good changes for you and damn those silly men who can't handle it.
cheers
ja

I've been doing some soul-searching and thinking about what I do wrong. I know you'll all blast me for this but I'm a special case and so bear with me on this. I'm not very pretty i think, plus being flat-chested and boring and i've been on a few internet dates in my attempt to meet someone. Mostly they didn't tell me about having someone else but still, i am such a loser that they sent me home right away (they were long-distance as i don't want to meet anyone here - i hate living here). In other words, i'm a loser. I looked at a personals website to see what other women say on their profiles, to see where i was lacking, and i was humbled by what amazing people are out there. I don't even come close. I'm very depressed about this rejection. How could i be so impressive beforehand and then bomb so badly ? I really do think it's a mistake for me to want a normal life - i am not in the running. Sure i'm loyal as a dog, affectionate (read clingy) and i love nature. That's all i have to offer. The negatives are too long to list. I know i'm being objective so no need to argue.

And to prove my point, I have never had a LTR my whole life - all just casual go-nowhere flings. pretty sad but a reflection of my worth. I'm a freak. I have never had a real boyfriend. There - now you see why these things get to me so badly. I've sought help so don't bother going there -i learned i need to set boundaries but what i didn't learn was how to distinguish bull from the real thing or how to become as good as normal women who get loved. I'm just putting in time til the end of my story.

Jasmine, you need help. Once you get it, things will look much better, you will see.

That's why those specialists exist, to help, and if they are still there it's because it works!

Get help and come back to tell us!

Ouch.

Jasmine, it hurts to read your words. You are so full of self-loathing. There is NO WAY you could be even half as ugly and undesireable as you think you are, because NO ONE IS THAT BAD. I know you wrote that you've tried therapy to no avail, but that might just mean you haven't found the right therapist yet.

It says you live in Alberta... if you are in or around Edmonton, I know that the U of A hospital has a drop-in psych clinic M-F (and I'm pretty sure the U of Calgary probably has something similar).

Jasmine, I strongly suggest that if you can get there, you plan on going. It can be your first step. You need help. We are very concerned about you here. Your words are frightening because you sound so desperately sad. :(

Please PM me if you need to chat.

Jasmine,

First: you need a good therapist right away.
Second: You keep thinking about all the adoring behaviors he had before he met you, which YOU BELIEVED.

That was your strategic mistake: Fully believing that someone adores you without meeting you. It's the same as if you have ONE date with a man and he says "I love you" : would you trust his feelings? Would you believe that he knows the seriousness of what he says? Wouldn't you think he was flighty and an air-head?
I would discount anyone who says things that make me wonder "how can he say that since he doesn't even know how I am in flesh and blood? How I act, react, kiss, taste..etc?".

If you are to learn a little something from this, it is that when one who does not know you says he has feelings for you and they sound "over the top" -he's just playing his game and honing his skills at your expense.

This was nothing more than this... At best, he only wanted a roll in the hay with a woman he was attracted to. At worst, he didn't even like you, both before and after he met you, he just flattered you to get laid.
And, he says he wants a 'relationship" at the dating site, since he knows that's what most women want to hear. He's a player and doesn't want another playing HIM. He's just looking for another victim at these sites. It has happened to friend of mine with a handsome doctor, a hanother handsome doctor, and an exec of a health shop chain.
You Jasmine do not have what it takes, i. e,. brass balls, to have a relationship just for sex-you cannot handle it, and should never have it-it's not "living once..." as you call it. It would be the most painful, humiliating thing you'll ever do to yourself....leave to other women who would not be so hurt by it...OK?

You will love a good therapist...you will love the self you'll discover...make it your top priority....

Almeiraz

irparis,

This reminds me of my "instant relationship" thread and why I started it. And why all my instant relationships failed and I felt like Jasmine more than once because some guy was so "totally" in love with me til he got to know me. This is EXACTLY why I started that thread and why I have changed my tune. Get to know me THEN say you love me.. otherwise it is a relationship built on NOTHING and instead of an "oh well, guess we just don't have much in common" it becomes a "OMG someone else loved me and left me" NOT WHAT I WANT.

I heard myself in Jasmine's words... But at my WORST. Jasmine, if you continue to dance the same dance the ending will always be the same.

DEMAND... that someone gets to know you... don't fall for this "Instant relationship" crap. Don't know why it happens and lonely perhaps women like us who may just WANT to believe that someone could just FALL... well we fall for it. And what did they want? I don't know... maybe just sex but maybe for a moment because they are so lonely they just WANTED TO FALL.

Edit: adding more... I just found a hidden folder on my computer today that held the chronicle of my online hoax.. all the IMs and emails. I deleted it but not without reading some of it first because I am trying to understand how this could have happended. ANY woman would have fallen for the words that were spoken. If any man ever said those things to me who actually KNEW me, then... well there would be real love.

Players only love you when they're playing, words from a song.

I can't help it sorry ... but she sounds so much like me.. putting herself down.. I'm much better now but you know what, a constant barage of negative experiences tends to make most of us feel this way.. I have seen many other women describe themselves this way cept some sterling examples like Paris.

I am plain... men like me for a time then hate me.... Recognize these words, they are mine.

Unlike Jasmine I have had long term relationships... mostly horrible. Cept my last husband... and you know that was because of my son. SO I have had ONE long term relationship where the guy actually liked me, but it was still not a good one on many levels.

So ... one thing I have said is that the common denominator in all my bad relationships is ME. Why is that. Well the only person you can ever change is yourself. And I am trying so hard to do that now.

I hope you see that the failings of your relationships isn't because YOU are bad or YOU are a failure. But the way you are going about it is failing. You need to change the dance Jasmine.

You all have my deep appreciation for being here to hold me up through this. But you don't need to worry about my health. I have been there, seen this kind of thing once before. The ending plays out in stages that are predictable: shock, sadness, and then finally I forget. It's how I survive this - I lose the memory of it almost completely. I am not going to online date anymore. Today I am numb, tomorrow I will start to put away the memories in my head. Then I plan to just stay alert in case any man does this to me in person should I decide to date ever.

Originally posted by jasmine2
- and guess what ? All that talk about him not wanting a serious relationship ? That was a lie, too. On his profile he says he's looking for a serioos relationship.

Which is also...a LIE. -Nobody- who wants a serious relationship acts like he does. This is just one more line he sends out to catch those who believe everything they read.

i feel that the women he talks to online must be more interesting, prettier, smarter, more fun.

His hatred of women has caught you in its trap. This is exactly what people like him want because they feel they are trash, so they want you to feel the same.

Also, he gives the age-range he wants as 25-36 so guess his words about the beauty of age were BS.

Nope. He will sleep with ANYONE. He just puts out different bait to catch them all.

No more younger men for me. No more men period i think. .

Don't let him spoil your stew. In this case, living well is the best revenge. Like others have said, you need to focus on -you-. A harsh way to learn this lesson, but perhaps necessary at this time.

Originally posted by jasmine2
I have been there, seen this kind of thing once before. The ending plays out in stages that are predictable: shock, sadness, and then finally I forget. It's how I survive this - I lose the memory of it almost completely.

Read my post on poeticlover's thread. If you don't think it applies to you at first, just keep reading. You are choosing not to learn from your mistakes. Not a good idea.

http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?threadid=9681&pagenumber=2

I'm sure this post will go unnoticed -it's been so long. Tonight he said I was to blame for his needing to say goodbye. I have been so angry since what happened. I brought up all my doubts and questions and he got angry everytime i tried to have an open discussion. I asked him over and over why he couldn't forgive my panicking when he didn't call when i returned from being with him, told him a million times it was because things had gotten so close and i was so afraid it was nothing to him. He insisted he'd been honest, even tho i said i saw him online daily before meeting him. So, question is - why do these guys insist they are being honest in the face of all the facts ? Why did he get so angry about my wanting to discuss things ? I still feel stunned 4 weeks after returning home. No more falling for romantic sweet words. I'll sure miss the songs he'd sing to me at night, won't ever have that sweet romancing again. I miss it so much and I'll never know if he meant any of it and was just disappointed in me in real life or was it all a lie to get sex.

....although I just read this thread tonight. I followed your experience from page one through page seven, and I can say that I was just thinking the entire time, 'Don't do it!' As the YM in my relationship, I can tell you that it takes alot more than sweet words. Although I did not meet my GF online, I believe what I have to say does apply. We have yet to have sex because aside from wanting to save such a beautiful thing for marriage, we really are both interested in a long term relationship. I have no doubt that you are an attractive lady, but you are insecure. Predatory people can pick up on a person's insecureties and then prey upon them, and use them to make that person feel worthless. Don't fall for it! You are most assuredly a good catch! He's the one who is a lousy catch. As for never having that romancing again, I have no doubt that you will, because I have no doubt that you are worth it. Just make sure that there is more to the man in question than just the romancing. Real relationships take work, and romancing isn't work. It's fun. I enjoy romancing my GF, but the relationship takes much more hard work than romancing. ROmancing is the icing on the cake, not the whole cake. As for being wary of YM's, remember that there are predatory people of all ages, and if you close yourself to a YM relationship on the basis of this loser, then you may lose out on a relationship with a wonderful person. At the same time, don't make age, weather older or younger, the standard. I never would have thought four years ago that I would be dating a lady over ten years my senior, but by not rejecting the possibility, I have found a lady who's inner beauty, value, and depth of character have exceeded my wildest dreams. While I find her physically attractive, it is the internal qualities that truly matter, not the outward appearance or chronological age.
I hope that what I have said will be of some assistance to you, and I am sorry that you were put through such a bad experience by someone who should have treated you like the child of GOD that you are. I wish you the best, and will keep you in my prayers.

Danelectro

Jasmine,
I really feel for your pain; I'm so sorry to hear about how you were treated by this guy. You had some good times, and I can see why you are sad.

Jasmine, I wanted to explain to you that being beautiful, vivacious, or amazing is not what makes a person love you. Those things will make a person admire or envy you, but not give you their love. What most people want in a partner or friend is simpler than that....we want to feel safe, loved, and important. Men too.

Most of the guys around me in long term relationships haven't chosen attention-seeking beauty queens for partners....they chose solid, reliable partners, many of whom are overweight or simply normal- looking. Its a lot of trouble to run around after a prima-donna, or have to compete with every guy you meet because you're gf looks like a supermodel. A guy who wants a stable relationship is not looking for this kind of instability and constant competition, which oddly, is why many of us females don't care if our partners put on 20kg's or so (IMHO).

Forget about being interesting or engaging......almost anyone will ADORE you simply because you listen to them and focus your attention on showing genuine interest in the things they hold dear to them. Think about the people YOU love or like best..do you like them becasue they natter on endlessly about their accomplishments and interests, or do they take an interest in really listening to you?

My point is that your looks and vivacity have nothing to do with this guy rejecting you. I'll bet he simply had no idea about what he wanted, and wasn't prepared to have his `internet fantasy' bubble burst in any way. The fact that you were human was the problem...the rest has nothing to do with it.

Your self esteem will improve...just hang in there. Being rejected by a guys make me feel like crap too, but that feeling passes (I promise! :) )

I wish I could cross aganist all time and space to take a "sister" who is hurting and in pain such as yourself and take you in my arms and tell you that you are loved and cherish and there's so much more to you then having an education, having a great body, hobbies, etc. There is pain and joy in this mortality and alot of hard lessons to be learn for sure, but how we choose to learn them and what we learn from them will ultimately strengthen our womanhood and leave us with a much more clearer picture of who we are in this life and how strong our self worth stands in relation to the "worlds'" view of thinking.

I have a friend who has a lacquer tray given to her by the president of Japan Pearl Association in Kobe.(wish I could find it for myself). It shows the stages of development of pearls from one month...where the pearl is just about the size of a pinhead...to a pearl of two years, which is about three-eighths of an inch. Pearls are formed when an oyster tries to cover an irritating grain of sand with smooth layers so that the sand will no longer be irritating. they are graded according to size, shape, and colour. This tray displays four different colours of pearls: pink, black, silver, and cream. It shows perfectly round pearls, and it also shows baroque pearls, which are fantastically irregular in size and shape. I don't understand what makes one pearl pink and one pearl silver in colour. I don't know why one grain of sand will produce a baroque pearl and another a spherical pearl. but what I admire is what each of those oysters has done with that irritating grain of sand--how it has transformed a limitation into a beautiful pearl.

first off in order for you to get over this, you need to forgive this guy for being a jerk and then forgive yourself for falling for him and turn that grain of sand into this pearl of immense potential. Decide who it is you need to be. Before you go on one more date, decide who you want to be and who is worthy of you...we all have some kind of limitation, some of us are not really drop dead gorgeous, others have weight issues and still others can become co dependent so easily that any guy is a potential for disaster. What we can do is take that limitation (grain of sand) and turn it into someone we can be proud of for which others see us and want to be around us. Ultimately, Jasmine, this is about you, not this guy...let him go...choose to change the grain, into whatever colour pearl you wish to be, 2nd, stop hiding your light under a bushel...say what's on your mind and how you feel and others will respect you better for being honest. You can do so without appearing insecure or obnoxious but by just stating the fact as you see it and being clear about what you want and expect, and 3rd, quit beating yourself up...this is only hurtful to you...for every limitation learn a new grain of sand is there awaiting its turn to be learn, life goes on, and its short and it doesn't stop at a guy who chooses not to smooth over his grain of sand...so learn the lesson and move on until the next one.

You will find eventually, that you have become not only a pearl of great price, but an oyster to be reckon with.

paris

You are all such wonderful, caring people. Thank you for these words. So much truth in them and yes, I guess I did want so much to believe he adored me and also couldn't accept that it just might have a simple case of things being different for him in person, realising it was too great an age difference or maybe some other factor that didn't match his desires. I definitely will be more realistic in future and put a stop to sweet words that come too early.