Hanging in limbo

Hi, I am new to these boards and not including my intro post in the New Members forum, this is my first 'real' post.

I have been involved with a man, aged 20 for 2 years. I am going to turn 40 on Friday. I have known him for 4 years give or take, in total. We met in an online game, Starcraft, to begin with. I learned the game from my son and used to play at night to wind down after kiddies were in bed, and me and my ym took to playing on a team against other players very soon after I started playing the game. We continued that for a bit, switching to other games in the process to alieviate boredom. About 2 years after first just hanging out online he told me, 'online' that he had feelings for me. Now, even though we spent alot of our online time just chatting and not really playing and I felt he knew me pretty well and I knew him, I was still uncomfortable about the whole idea, the age gap being my biggest issue.

About 8 months later, after sitting on the fence, we decided to meet up in real life and he flew in to see me. We had started talking on the phone regularly a few months before. I sent the kids to grandma's house and he spent about 5 days here for the first visit. Man, that was one of the most nerve racking times in my life, getting worse as the day he was scheduled to arrive drew closer. We hit it off right away. We spent our first night out on a date of sorts because although we had exchanged photos via email, we were both nervous and didn't know how the other would feel and both incredibly self conscious. I planned the night since it was my turf and we went to dinner and a movie. I remember the movie was one of the star trek trilogies and it was opening night so the theater was packed. I don't remember much else about the movie since he made his move and we were making out throughout the whole thing. We went back to my house and spent the rest of his time here in bed and thoroughly enjoying ourselves and each other.

Now, 2 years later, he comes to see me every 3-4 months but I am about to embark on my first visit to him in mid April. We quit the online gaming which makes me a little insecure because it was the one thing that we did together regularly, but I was rather bored and frustrated with spending time in that manner. He recently got a job that he loves and will be starting univeristy in the fall and the job will work nicely into his schedule there. I am very happy and proud for him and his job and his ability to stay focused on his goals for his career and education, but I am feeling insecure because now our time to even talk on the phone is getting short because of our conflicting schedules. I think deep down I may be even a little jealous because now I have to share him when I never did before. He has reassured me that he is laying the foundation for a future life with me.

I seem stuck in limbo because he is trying to establish his own life but I am unable to make any plans for the future, either with or without him. I am sure that there will be another transition when school starts back up and we will have to juggle again, but I need ideas on how we can stay connected during the 'busy' time. I am finding myself out of the house more often, running errands or working later, simply because I know that he is at work and unavailable. I am trying to keep myself distracted. Is visits back and forth every other month or so really going to be enough?

Thanks for your input in advance. :confused:

Deli,

Sounds like we are both going through similar situations so I also will be anxious to hear some of the replies you get.


We met in an online game

Jeremy and I met the same way. Our game is Ultima Online.

Now, even though we spent alot of our online time just chatting and not really playing

Most nights Jeremy and I spend more time talking while in the game then even in playing anymore.


I was still uncomfortable about the whole idea, the age gap being my biggest issue

The age gap between Jeremy and I is 22 years. Yes, I still have concerns about the differences in ages. Heck my son is older then him.

The age difference doesn't seem to bother Jeremy at all. He has told me several times that there is not one thing he would change about me. That if my age were any different than what it is, I would not be the person I am today and the woman he fell in love with. (I have to admit that felt great to hear him say that)

I am very happy and proud for him and his job and his ability to stay focused on his goals for his career and education, but I am feeling insecure because now our time to even talk on the phone is getting short

he is laying the foundation for a future life with me.

Jeremy will also be starting back to school next month full time so in additon to working full time, going to school, raising his son, and homework on weekends, I know things will be tough for us, but we will make it.

One of the things we do now, is to talk on the cell phone first thing in the morning, e-mail each other during the day as time permits and then he will call me while I am driving home, then the rest of the night we spend talking while pretending to play Ultima. Some of this will change as his schedule gets busier with school starting, but BOTH of us will make every attempt possible to stay in as close contact as possible.

We are both working towards a future together and realize that his going to school is necessary.

Dear Deli,

You could have written my story. Maria actually said to me "have you seen this post by Deli...it is your life!" I have waited to reply as I wanted to get some thoughts together but then I realized I just need to type and let the words come out.

We met online gaming that my son got me started playing, 22 years age gap, over 5000 miles apart so we also have the challenge of a 6 hour time difference, quit playing the game as I felt the same as you, see each other about every 3-5 months, he has a job, he is in college and has quite some time to go yet.

I have felt a little like he is going to leave me behind. He doesn't give me any indication of that, in fact quite the opposite. He calls me every or almost every break at work, he calls me after school on his way to work and we talk after school for a bit till he has to do some homework or go to bed (he is ahead of me by 6 hours)

We are 2 years into this relationship as BF/GF and your question was staying connected during busy time and will those every other month or so visits be enough. I can say it sure is hard. Web cam as much as you can, send lots of email, call when you can just to say "hey I love you" even if you only have a few minutes to talk. I have helped Alex do research on his college assignments just to spend time with him and we actually had fun doing that. Write some real letters too. They are so special to receive and see his handwriting there on the paper. I have been thinking of going back to college myself just to take some course I have always wanted ..like learning Spanish. That will help keep you busy (as if being a single, working mother is not enough!) but you do need to stay busy yourself. Some of my friends keep telling me that. I need to listen. I think if you did something for you, you would feel like your life is not just in a holding pattern. Even though we are in a way...waiting for the day they get out of school but we need our own goals.
I am finding it is getting harder not easier. I hope the distance does not do us in! :( My bf swears he won't let it. He is much stronger than me. I do far prefer that he is in school and working than some guy who had no direction for his life. It makes me feel proud of him and secure to think that he is trying so hard to plan for our future. Just keep doing what you are doing...I am just at the same place as you (2 years into it) and I am feeling the stress. We just have to take it one day at a time and don't forget to live in the moment! I sometimes feel like I am only thinking of the future ..when he gets out of college, when he can move here, when we could be married...and I have to remind myself that there is still today!! My children need me and I have started trying to be there more for them rather than lost in my lala land.
I wish you the best. Keep posting and let us know if you come up with any great ideas about sustaining a LDR. Summer and I could always use them. We three have such similar stories!

Hugs,
Tru

Hi! I just wanted to say you aren't alone with these types of concerns. Many of us are dealing with the same problrms involved with dating ym, especially those who are young enough to be in college. I've done it, with little success, and others have had more. Romance, I've found is more personality driven, than age. Perhaps you could share this board with your ym, as a placeto deal?

Why exactly are you unable to make any plans for the future?

Obviously, you aren't making other plans for your romantic future, but there's alot more to the future than that. You can't and shouldn't put all the other aspects of your life on permanent hold.

He's establishing his life - which is exactly what he has to do and you need to live yours - making every effort to keep the connection with him alive through all the changes we go through.

If you just sit there and wait, then you don't have much to fall back on should the relationship not maintain itself and it's too much pressure on him to have your life "stalled" because of him.

Now what are all of these plans you have on hold?

Good question. The biggest thing I am holding on is selling my house. I took a new job about 6 weeks ago and am planning on staying there for a few years. I would like to move closer to it since the commute is killing me. I don't know if I should bother selling/buy a new home at this time as my ultimate goal is to move closer to him, which is in Canada, and I am the US. My job skills are more transferable than his and non resident issues aside, I could probably find employment relatively quickly. Heck, my current employer even has an office just miles from where my ym lives so a transfer is always a possibility.

The other issue complicating all this is he isn't a citizen of Canada either right now, as he was born and raised for a good chunk of his childhood in South America, so he retains that citizenship. He is a 'landed immigrant' in Canada and can work/go to school there, but cannot do that in the U.S. He has decided to apply for citizenship, and will likely not be refused.

Of course my kids are a big factor in this and have decided at a minimum, I should wait until the oldest graduates from high school (if she ever does it will be a miracle) before I decide to transplant. Neither of them (one is 16, the other 13) has objected to moving and are actually excited about it if I decide to go that route. I don't have to worry about their father since he has elected not to be involved with them since our divorce about 12 years ago. In fact, I dont think they would even recognize him from Adam at this point.

I think my concern is I am feeling that I will be left behind. He has mentioned that he needs to make some decisions regarding having a family (I think I am a bit old to be having a baby at this time although I would love to with him) and what he wants to be when he grows up, which school he will transfer to the year after next, and other fairly big issues. He does tell me he loves me but he obviously cannot commit to anything at this time and I am feeling more insecure and needing more of a committment from him, but not forcing the issue. It seems he is moving at the speed of light and I am just waiting for him to land to see if I still fit anywhere in his life.

Other than that, I keep going with life as usual, it just seems to be missing a big piece. I keep doing what I do, moving my career ahead, saving money, cleaning the house, helping with school stuff with the kids, etc. but its all going through the motions right now. I too am looking into taking a class or two or perhaps even working on my Master's degree, but I think Spanish would be a good one too, since my ym has only taught me how to swear properly. LOL

HI,

Boy could I relate to you story. I met Rich playing EQ about 3-4 years ago. Same thing..we spent TONS-O-TIME playing together for about a year. We started talking on the phone together after a few months. On..and ON this has gone...now this spring will be over 3 years! and we have talked and talked and talked about what are we doing?! Where are we going?! lol...both of us have said Ok ..we Can't hold one another back..blah blah blah..and yet neither of us can walk away. WE are both in school ( he's 21 and I'm back getting my Teaching Degree ( im 36 )..and neither are in a place to pick up and Go. Sooo..just like you we visist as much as possible and talk on the phone tons. When we first decieded not to play EQ anymore we were both worried that somehow we would not be able to 'connect' anyloner. The Opposite happened though..we actually spent more time talking ..some nights 5-6 hours ( I love unlimited longdistance!).

I'm flying out there this Sat ( he's in Ore atm )..his mom wanted to surprise him for his B'day so called me on the sly and sent me a ticket haha... We have talked about moving in together for the past yearish...but both of us are so involved in what we are doing atm that its just not happening..so I understand your feeling of LIMBO totally. The ONLY thing I can say ..is really really follow your gut. Mine is soo overwhelmed by school and work that I am sooo relieved NOT to have someone I have to deal with on a day to day basis atm...but if I was out of school I might feel dif and more ready.
It's like the old saying : TO THYNE OWN SELF BE TRUE..and its soo hard for me to follow because i'm such a chicken **** when it comes to pain....I'll hold on and hold on out of fear of the alternative. No advice here ..just letting you know that your situation sounds familiar to me.!

Good Luck and know your not alone.

Heather