His Parents.....

I have been seeing a ym that is 20 yrs in difference. He being 25 and I 45. When I am with him I feel no age difference. But the numbers are there. This is my first time dating a ym.

We both work at the same place as well as his parents. His parents, mainly his mother is having a problem with our seeing each other.

I also have a son that is 25. So as a mother I kind of understand her reservations, but at the same time, now being in this relationship with him, I also know the specialness of it. And I could only wish this for my son. To find someone he could feel so connected to. Be his own age or ????

There is a part of me that thinks I need to stop seeing him, as I don't want to come between he and his family. And of course there is the bigger part of me that doesn't want to let him go.

He has been very good about not sharing his parents thoughts with me to any great degree. Telling me that while he loves them, he is going to live his life the way it makes him happy not them.

To be honest, I am kind of, no maybe very confused at this moment on what I should do.

This past weekend he told me for the first time that he Loves Me. What I have felt for him for awhile now, but held back on telling him because, well not sure why, cept I guess I am in some ways (when not with him) concerned about the age difference and if I would be holding him back in some way.

Please any and all advice or thoughts are welcomed. This is my first experience and I do really love him, so I want whats best for him as well as myself.

Thanks all!

Thank you for replying. :)

Yes he is a grown man, very capable of making his own decisions which is a big reason I am attracted to him. I find more maturity in his 25 years of life, than in some 50.

I have to trust his judgement.....that he knows what is best for him. I certainly don't want to be a parent to him and am certain he doesn't want that from me as well.

I think part of my problem is that I have had no family since I was 17 and I don't want him to be displaced from his, do to the age difference. Then again if that would be enough to displace him, it certainly can't be a very strong relationship.

This is a new relationship (5 months). Perhaps in time they will, mainly his mother, get use to the idea.

I have been reading the boards and it has helped me immensly. I am so glad that I found the board. And will visit often.

Thank you again!

Originally posted by HisBuddy
There is a part of me that thinks I need to stop seeing him, as I don't want to come between he and his family. And of course there is the bigger part of me that doesn't want to let him go.

He has been very good about not sharing his parents thoughts with me to any great degree. Telling me that while he loves them, he is going to live his life the way it makes him happy not them.

This past weekend he told me for the first time that he Loves Me.

HisBuddy, I understand that you are taking his family into consideration but like Trish said, he is a grown man and if you say he is mature, then let it be.

And if he says he loves you, take it for what it's worth and continue the relationship. If y'all are happy to together, then that's all that matters. Don't hurt each other by cutting off the relationship. In fact, let this time bring y'all together and enjoy each other's company and what y'all have to share and give to each other.

Thank you! Very good advice. I started out with the one day at a time thinking. And I think I need to remember that. I really am not trying at this point to look to far into the future.

As I said, I just was concerned that I didn't want to come between his family and him. But I do have to let him make that decision and let him handle his family however he knows best.

And yes, after reading, thinking and speaking to him on the phone I have decided to just enjoy what we have going right now.

Mega thanks!

Your welcome! Glad you're thinkin' positive.

I completely agree with Trish and Joe. You have to believe and take into consideration what he says and his feelings first, the other people are not going to take the consequences of his decisions and so it's up to him to make his choice. He's choosing you and have told you so.

I was in an unhappy relationship for almost 2 years because my ex boyfriend couldn't go against his mother, who hated me for my age (so she said, but she was a very controlling mother and woman). He was 27 when he left me, not to hurt mommy's feelings. She even threatened to kill herself.

I am seeing someone now whose mother is 47 (I'm 43 and he's 27) and she is so happy for him, she almost cried on the phone when we talked. The only thing she thinks about is her son's happiness. I just love this woman!

If his mother has concerns now, it may still be because she doesn't know you. Have you ever met? If even with time she doesn't accept you, just ignore her as much as possible. I hope your boyfriend will make things clear for her that his love life is his and if he's not dating any monster, she should just accept it.

Congratulations on your relationship! I am 58 and my boyfriend is 35, so we have a similar gap.

How is it that the family knows so much about their son's romantic life? Just because you all work together doesn't mean that they have to know about your private life and your guy certainly doesn't have to share his with them. It is none of their business. Why don't you both close up and refuse to talk about your relationship with them? Don't be hostile; do it in a matter-of-fact manner. Just say "I'd prefer not to discuss my private life" with a dismissive smile when they start asking questions. Then, they might get the message that they shouldn't mess around in other people's lives. If they really care about their son, they will come round and be supportive of and happy for him.

Hello! Nice to meet you all. This board has helped me alot just in the first 24 hours.

To answer Maria..... We have not really met officially. Um.. the building I work in is very large. I have worked with my ym for 6 years. We were buddies and just recently moved it to another level. She knew we were working together but.... To answer Patricias question of how she knows so much.

How she knows so much... well, seems we have been the topic of conversation with other employees in there. Even to the fact that someone in there drove past my house several times and saw his vehicle in my driveway at odd hours. I am completely confident that my ym has not spoken to anyone in there about our relationship. But the office gossip has gotten completely out of hand.

In fact we both agreed that when we started this at the next level we would just take it one day at a time and keep the personal stuff personal. And I do believe that he has done that and continues to do that. But...I am sure word has gotten to his parents through the jerks we work with. Its all basically speculation on their part...they just happen to be correct for the most part.

We both figure in time it will wear off and or someone else will do something to change the direction of the gossip.

He came over last night and we talked. He said he knows his parents (of course) and in time his mother will be ok. He said if she was really that bent out of shape she would be complaining to his dad and his dad would have said something to him, but hasn't of yet.

I think or am hoping she was just taken aback from the gossip. It can be a difficult enviornment at times. As I said, hopefully in time it will die down and they (co-workers) will move on and she will adjust to us seeing each other.

He is a very responsible ym. At 25 he has his own house, good job and a great head on his shoulders. So they have to know that he knows what is best for him.

Last night I just got a bit wigged out over it. I basically had to pull teeth to get him to discuss his mother with me. (Something I probably should have just let alone) but after seeing him later and talking it out again I feel a bit more comfortable that perhaps in time, things will be ok.

Thank you all again for your support and I am so glad that I found this forum. I plan to visit often, as I said it has helped me alot to sort through some of the chaos I was feeling last night.

(((All)))

His Buddy,

He's 25 yrs old and I can understand how his parents feel....but he chose seeing you because he likes seeing you. He's an adult now and as long as both of you enjoy each other's company...why should his parents thoughts sway you from getting to know him. I also want to add that it is great that more and more agegap relationships are happening and it is going to continue to move forward no matter how society feels about it. Just listen to yourself and enjoy what is happening in the "Now". You are not alone in this situation since many of the couples here have gone through the same thing. :)

Hi, I'm 56 and my husband of a year and a half is 30. We met when he was just turning 26, so we have an even larger agegap than you do. :D This is a good place to come to feel better about a 20 year gap.

What makes you think that you would come between him and his parents? Many parents are surprisingly supportive once they see that the relationship is real and not just based on sex. They want their child to be happy and sometimes an older more settled partner is less worrisome than a younger one who likes to party.

The very best way to counteract gossip is with the truth. Why not tell his parents about you and that he loves you? Dave told his mother about me from the first and it seemed to smooth things out rather than to have it be a shock later. I sent her an email telling her about myself and inviting her to ask me anything that she liked. I told her that I know she is concerned about her son's welfare, but so am I and will do nothing to hurt him.

That seemed to work pretty well and we get along fairly well, swapping recipes and such. She lives 9 hours away so it's impossible to pal around. Besides at 59 she's far too old for me to hang with. She doesn't even like rock & roll! LOL

Talk with him about it and see what he thinks of "coming out of the closet." Might as well end the gossip rather than contiue to feed it.

Peace,
Jane

Hello Jane and Tyg,

Thank you both for replying and its nice to meet you two.

My wording about coming between his parents in he was incorrect. I meant just causing any upset.

He assured me over the weekend that it would be alright.

I am guessing as you all have reminded me here that in time when they see that this is important to both of us and not just a using situation that, hopefully they can adjust to the age difference.

As I read elsewhere here on the board someone said that these relationships have as much or little of chance to to be, as any other relationship. And I believe thats true.

Last year I seperated from a relationship of 8 years to a man that was only 2 years older than myself. So...... who can say?

Again I plan to take it one day at a time for the most part. All I know is that my ym is a very special part of my life right now. And I am going to enjoy him for as long as we both decide to.

I swear though, if one more person says to me, whats gonna happen when you are 65 and he is 45, I am gonna spit nails.
Do they realize that that is 20 years from now? And how do they know what "their" life is gonna be like in another 20 years?

Again, thank you all for your thoughts and encouragement. I haven't been on puter this weekend much so I would like to go and read some of the other messages and learn some more :)

Take care all and thanks again.




:) :)

im my case its not so much the age but the difference as i meet my sig other here.
im my families case it was the exrdinary way we meet and came to be .
my sister meet her sig other in a similiar way but for me it was facing my own convictions and values to what my parents believed and what i felt
i choose baddreamer as i feel she can privide me and my son a very enriching life as it is my life to live not thiers.
chris

Chris I know you have had bad feedback from your parents who seem (from what little I know) to be very controlling and I know it takes a great deal of courage on your part to go ahead with your relationship with this beautiful woman despite what others say... that is always the case.. it takes courage of your conviction... courage of your love.

Your right Swan as she will meet them this weekend and i have made it very clear to them that this is no passing fancy on line thing as me and her are in out 5th month :O)
and she comming out her to face her destiny.
hey she is a beautifull soul that has stole my hart and i will never turn my back on her no matter what they say or do.
Iam in this for the duration as as i remember it was you that introduced us remember thos first months-wow-great memmories and the future is at hand-glad you got to see it all unfold.:O)
chris

Its the same for me about worrying about the parents. I have been on my own since 17 and no family to speak of. So, therefore I guess I felt/feel that extra tug that says I don't want to mess things up with his, for him. Not understanding fully that real family that cares doesn't give up on the one they love so easily.

He has since spoken to his mother and he told me that she just spoke of concern for him. That she wasn't really upset or mad just concerned. And that he at that time seemed to be able to lesson that a bit for her. He told me not to worry about it that it would be alright.

I think when the workplace gossip slows down and things get back to some normalcy in there, that her fears and questions will reside and in time when we meet and really talk, I want to feel confident that she will be able to see I truly do care about him and its not just a passing fancy or thrill for me.

One of the problems in meeting them, or speaking with them really is that even though they work at the same building. They work a different shift. So, they don't even get to see or speak with their son that much. And, the other problem was that at first we (he and I) had tried to keep this quiet to see how things would go before making it known to others. But, one sick person in there decided to drive past my house and see his vehicle in my driveway and take that info back to work. Blah, blah, blah. So basically his parents found out through office gossip. I think now that he has sat down with them, much of their concern is answered and of course I am sure they don't appreciate their son being part of the rumour mill. But they have worked there long enough to know how that place is.

Thank you so much for your post. It has helped me a great deal to be able to know (not that I wish it for anyone) that someone else shared/shares my same fears.

And yes, I will keep trucking on....because he is worth it! :)

(((hugs)))

Thank you for sharing! And your right, it is his life to do as he wishes and in a respectful way towards his parents. Which I think he is doing, very well.

He doesn't seem worried at all or bothered. And I have to quell my own worries, as to not bring them in to the relationship and have them alone help to sour what we have.

((hugs))