Solace For The Broken Hearted

Love, in all its forms, is possibly the most delightful feeling known to humankind. It exists everywhere. It is boundless and has humility beyond measure. Unfortunately, just as flowers fall from their position of grace in the garden, so to our love can tumble to the ground, slowly transforming, changing colour, and returning to the earth from whence it came. Heartbreak is regrettably as real and intricate as love itself. It is the thorn of the rose and can infringe on our view of our heart’s desire.

It is my belief that our handling of a broken heart can be almost as sweet as our having found love in the first place. I hope, with this thread, that I can proffer some aid to those of you who are nursing a broken heart, who are having relationship difficulties, or who are just feeling a little blue. I think the most effective way for me to do this is to first examine what makes heartache so difficult to overcome.

I don’t think it is a great revelation to say that in times of pain we return to all that we find familiar. Our comfort zone, if you will. I think, when done with clarity of intentions, that this can be a rather beneficial practice. It can provide an environment in which we can really feel the pain, really understand it. This, to me, seems a good thing. Our understanding and acceptance of our pain can then become the catalyst for letting go of our heartache. But, it is our future encounters of love and our clouded vision of how to find happiness at times of despair, that can make all the difference to our ability to see the garden of life as a whole.

At times of emotional pain, who among us hasn’t said, “I wish there was a formula for love and happiness.” ? We know in our hearts and minds that no such formula exists, but we persist in asking regardless. Here, I feel, is the disconnect between ourselves and our true happiness. It is this adherence to the belief that there is some precise path which we must walk down in order to find happiness that prevents us from growing, from evolving and from finding true bliss. Do we not find ourselves in the same circumstance but in a different location in relationships? This is the true tragedy, the true broken heart.

By this, I don’t mean to say our feelings regarding one break-up or one argument are unimportant; quite the contrary. I just think that a singular broken heart is the continuation of a cycle. A cycle that has patterns which imitate that of the formula for love which we seek. This cycle, while giving us a false sense of growth and comfort, only serves to bind us to habits and obstacles. So, we become like the fly trapped at the window sill. For even when the glass barrier is slid open for us, and freedom is offered, we continue to wing our way back into unyielding obstacles, time and again. In this sense, we can become immersed in the sights, sounds and smells of freedom, without having actually broken free from what brought us pain to begin with.

I think the best way to break the cycle is to just see the obstacles for what they are; mere changes of the season, entirely impermanent. I know this may not appear to be a particularly profound solution, but when I think of the greatest passages of personal growth in my life, I know that when I saw the obstacles exactly as they are, they were no longer obstacles. Just opportunities. opportunities for growth. More grist for the mill, so to speak. This can only occur through an understanding of the pain and being open in both heart and mind.

This mind-set also offers us a way to let go and forgive the person who has given our heart reason to anguish. In moments of heartbreak, it can seem as though they have seen the lustrous light of life inside us, and decided to make a fire from it. Everything burns. Our very core is torched and feels as though it is turning to ash. But the real pain lies in the juxtaposition of the inner fire and the cold, distant exterior of someone who simply wanted to be loved.

However, upon closer inspection, we should see that even under the most extreme circumstances, those who we consider our “enemies” are, in fact, our greatest teachers. They give us a chance to learn things about patience, tolerance, and unconditional love that our family and friends never could. I feel that this attitude also allows us to let go and see reality in a far more lucid way.

I currently have a tiny, flickering flame within me. Fortunately though, a strong friendship remains, and I think always will. I thank you for hearing me out here everyone, and I hope we can all grow and find freedom together.

With an open heart and a clear mind we can break the cycle for the future. Not because we have discovered some kind of relationship alchemy, nor because the immediate impact is less torturous for our soul. But because, upon contemplation, we’ll see our difficulties for what they truly are. We’ll understand that these obstacles are not so insurmountable, or even real, as we had once convinced ourselves. There is no formula from which to live and love, just moments of spiritual opening from which to learn. As a very wise man once said, “There is no path to happiness and peace. Happiness and peace is the path.” May you forever find your feet on it.
Enjoy the stroll.

A cycle that has patterns which imitate that of the formula for love which we seek. This cycle, while giving us a false sense of growth and comfort, only serves to bind us to habits and obstacles. So, we become like the fly trapped at the window sill. For even when the glass barrier is slid open for us, and freedom is offered, we continue to wing our way back into unyielding obstacles, time and again. In this sense, we can become immersed in the sights, sounds and smells of freedom, without having actually broken free from what brought us pain to begin with.

You will write books one day. Your book will be on Oprah's book club list and sell millions and we at Ageless will all say "We knew it!" I cried when I read this post and I am going to print the entire thing out and put it where I can read it often.

http://www.webtree.ca/tree/gifs/thank_you/thankyou.gif

thank you...
beautiful

Roberto, darlin', are you SURE you're under 40???

Roberto, I love your posts. You are so articulate.

Roberto--
You eloquently express the stirrings of the poet's soul.

I appreciate your articulation and presentation of the philosophy of love/pain/understanding/acceptance.

I empathize with your current situation and trust that you truly find the solace you seek as well as offer. We all benefit in giving what we most need. That's my view of amazing grace.

Wisdom can come with age, but not always. As you've shown, wisdom can be present at any age. You are on an excellent philosophical path that will bring you much insight and eventually, joy, when you meet your match. And you will. That's a spiritual law.

So hold on, let go and move forward. And if you get a chance, check out those writers I mentioned in a previous thread.

Blessings to you,
Katie S.

Hi Roberto....your words touched me..so simple but so elegant!!!

I was especially touched by the concept of lookiing at obstacles for what they are and allowing them to give you the freedom to forgive the one causing anguish. This concept hit home. I had to put that reasoning into practice in my own life recently and learned that forgiveness always rewards one in the most unexpected of ways.

I have been involved in a cyber friendship for 1yr and 3 mos w/a ym who is 14 years younger. In Dec. 02 I had joined an online dating site and was tickled when the first person who wrote to me was this ym, He wrote and indicated an interest in me. I wasn't going to respond to his e-mail because he was so much younger than I(I was 46 at the time and he was 31)...but I decided I'd give him brownie points for even having the nerve to contact me..LOL. I wrote, thanked him for his nice email and asked if he'd noticed my age. He responded that he had indeed noticed my age, that I was "stunning"(his words....LOL) and that it was a non-issue for him. He said he liked my profile and that the maturity and gracefullness came thru the medium and wanted to get to know me. I was still a lil hesitant...but I figured...the worst that could happen is that I'd made a new friend. The first time we talked on the phone(I live in California, he in D.C.) we had a wonderful 3 hr conversation. I can't remember when I've laughed so hard!!! I can still remember that his wonderful sense of humor was what intrigued me about him and I wanted to get to know him better also. Not only was he gorgeous, he was super-intelligent and he didn't seem threatened by a an older woman with looks, brains and a sense of humor.

We stayed in touch...we have not met in person as of yet.....via phone, online, etc and were there for each other as friends through some very heavy emotional life events....the loss of his mother, loss of jobs(both his and mine), my son deciding he wanted to live w/his father), my dad's illness....we were there for each other. I felt so connected to him and he to me. We marvelled and talked about how wierd it felt to have this bond, this deep connection even tho we'd never even met we felt like we'd known each other forever. We talked about our families, his son and mine, friends, work, etc. He "introduced" me online to his best friend and his fave sister and I would chat w/them and got to know them. They also said they felt like one day they'd like to meet me...and I wanted to meet them.

In Dec of 03 while visiting his family in Florida....he called to tell me that he wanted to come out to finally "meet" me in person. He said that he'd been wrestling w/very serious feelings for me and was confused beccause he couldn't understand how he could feel so strongly towards someone he'd never seen in person!!! And I knew he was conflicted about this...sometimes I would feel like he was pulling away and I would chat w/his best friend and his sister and they would both tell me....that he was worth waiting for and to have patience and not to do anything until I'd seen him at least once!!!. I decided to follow their advice. Both the best friend and the sister would share w/me that there were other girls/women who were attracted to him and that my ym would not even take an interest...they both would tell me that I occupied his waking thoughts and I'd console myself w/that. My ym and I had talked so often that I felt if we had the chance to finally meet....we wouldn't really be meeting...we would merely be "seeing" each other for the first time!!!

We talked most of December about this and I was ecstatic that we were finally going to see each other we spoke and worked on the logistics. Then in late December I got a call from his that sent my world spinning!!!! He called to tell me that he'd met someone else!!!! I was crushed & stunned! How could this happen???? why now?? Just why??? Thoughts/emotions raced through me. I was so hurt, I felt I couldn't continue to keep in contact w/him. I told him and his sister that it was too hard on me emotionally and we said our goodbyes.

Then one day around the beginning of Jan 04 she wrote to tell me that my ym had married the woman he'd met(she is 28)!!! I just remember going numb!!! I thought to myself that's what u get for being so dumb, letting yourself fall for someone.......that' you've NEVER even seen!!! She shared w/me that she had had her fingers crossed for both of us and was dissapointed that it hadn't come about. I thougth was very sweet of her to share that w/me.
She indicated to me that she liked me very much, that she felt so comfortable w/me and that even though we'd never met that she felt I was a genuine, caring person and would like for us to keep in touch, but that she understood if I chose not to. I told her that what had happened was out of her control and that I'd like it very much if we could continute to be in touch. She said that she appreciated that.

So the weeks went by and we would talk about her upcoming wedding....(she invited me!!!) and of course her brother. She'd tell me that my ym had confided in her that he would like it I would contact him and she alluded that if I was still interested in him that I should be patient!!! I didnt' know what that meant and I didn't ask her to expound. I figured my ym is now a married man and I wanted to respect that. I started to casually date and I would share lil tidbits of info about my gentlemen friends.....not really knowing OR caring if my ym got wind of any of that. Finally at the end of Feb. I decided that I really missed the communication w/my ym and that I valued his friendship above anything else and would rather have him as a friend than not have him in my life at all. I sent him an e-mail. The next time his sister and I chatted I advised her that i'd e-mail him. She was ecstatic, she said that my ym had told her that he was grateful that I'd even consider talking to him again after he'd married someone else and not allowing that to interfere w/the underlying friendship that we'd cultivated and that it was one of the things he'd admired about me. I must admit I was still pretty tender on the inside and felt like I'd been kicked hard to the curb by someone I cared for very much...but I also knew I had to let him go and let him live his life and purse his happiness...even if that meant he'd pursue it with someone else. I also knew that I wanted ths man in my life and if our relationship was limited to being friends...so be it!!! So my ym man and I started communicating on a friend level. He shared with me that he'd been honest w/his new wife about us still being friends and our continuing communcations.

In early of March 04 he dropped the big bomb, said he had something to share w/me and that he hoped I would want to listen. I told him I was interested, not really thinking anything about what he would share w/me. He called at the appointed hour and told me that he'd realized he'd made a horrible mistake!!! He realized that he'd NEVER stopped loving me!!! He told me that he never should've gotten married((especially to someone he didn't really know)and that he should've married me and that if I could find it in my heart to forgive him and if I'd give him another chance and if I would have him...that he would do everything in his power, including getting a divorce in order to be with me!!!! He also shared w/me that his best friend and sister had told him he was making a mistake marrying her and that if he was going to marry someone that it should be me!!! but he didn't listen. He said he told the ym about me and that she was willing to take him on those terms I couldnt' believe what I was hearing!!!

He tells me that he loves me,wants us to be together. I told him that I deeplly care for him also, but that he needs to be divorced before I agree to see him. He indicates he understands and respects my feelings and that he knows he has to make things right!

This Monday(3/22)on 1st yr. anniversary of his mom's passing he said he will be seeing a divorce attorney. Even tho this will be a very difficult day for him, he said he wants to show me how serious and committed he is to paving the way for us to be together that he's chosen this day to demonstrate that. He said he's already moved out and has asked for a transfer to my city!!!! He told me that I have every right to disbelieve anything and everything he is saying to me....and suggested I talk with his sister if I needed verification that what he was telling me was true. So for some piece of mind...I did. His sister said that even tho she was also equally shocked about the turn of events...she shared that he had already told her about the plans he was making to be with me. She said her intuition told her I was the right one for him. She is absolutely happy for the both of us(her words were..."Wow!! You and my bro again!!! Wow!!!! LOL).

Not sure what the future holds in store for us....but I'm open to a new journey w/my ym. I've given him several opportunities to take back everything he's said to me about being with me or changing his mind and each time he tells me that he's learned what his heart was trying to tell him all along and that he will not ignore those messages anymore!!!! He said he was so sure he'd lost me and feels that he is the luckiest man in the world because I chose to forgive him and give him another chance especially in light of how much he'd hurt me! I know some people would probably think that I'm nuts, crazy or too trusting,and I probably am....but the way I see it,when your heart tells you something fits like a glove, when something is just right for you, one has to take that risk. Everything in life is a risk and when you stop taking risks you stop living and love is the biggest risk of them all!!!!

What a wonderful story candygirl...you never know what cards fate hold..I hope all works out, and please keep us posted.
I myself dream big in the love department, and I have made unsound choices because of my heart..but also, I learned to take risk and find out what happiness i can achieve.I am blessed now that I took the risk..all we really want is to be loved, and when someone toys with our hearts and emotions on the level you described, it takes alot out of one to stand on our own again, to believe agan, to put trust and faith in the relationships that follow..I see you were dating..but in your heart, you still loved this man, otherwise your back would be turned towards him and any aspiration of ever seeing him again..Love, when it is real, will prevail..Love also makes you do crazy things..as far as going against your better judgement..It takes alot of guts to do what you did(are doing) it also takes alot of heart to accept the man after what he did to you...I am inspired by this story, because I have done some things in my relationships that borderlines crazy, all in the name of love.

to change the tone, I wrote this..it may go along with Robertos original concept of this thread....
this is a page to help the broken hearted recover from heartache, and love loss.An unexplaind mystery as to why people come in and out of ones life... The shadow they left behind can only be replaced with new found feelings of self awareness, and self love.Without self love, there is no room to love another.

I thank you for loving me in ways that I never knew before...you proved to me I am indeed a valuable soul.I can and will be loved again.
Thank you for the help that was needed, when I needed it the most..it was definately appreciated , that you brought me up, when I was feeling down.But now, I am able to do this for myself, and through your encouragement.Thank you for pointing out my weak spots. During the loss of you, I have successfully overcame them.Not for you, but for myself.
Thank you for showing me your weak spots as well,Ihave learned too, that humanity is not at all perfect,and I can accept the flaws in others.And I know it take more than one person alone, to recognize in themselves personal defects.
I have to thank you for giving me a release from the normal daily stresses, when I became attatched to you...you gave me time, and consideration, when the rest of the world just wanted to give me duty and take control of my being.You were there for me, my salvation...but at the distance, I have to say, it was something within myself and within my mind, could enable me to find the strength , to filter out all the unimportant.Love is a questionable neccessity in life

May all of ageless know true love, and deal with loss of love .It just goes along with the territory
Peace

[QUOTE]I thank you for loving me in ways that I never knew before...you proved to me I am indeed a valuable soul.I can and will be loved again.
Thank you for the help that was needed, when I needed it the most..it was definately appreciated , that you brought me up, when I was feeling down.But now, I am able to do this for myself, and through your encouragement.Thank you for pointing out my weak spots. During the loss of you, I have successfully overcame them.Not for you, but for myself.
Thank you for showing me your weak spots as well,Ihave learned too, that humanity is not at all perfect,and I can accept the flaws in others.And I know it take more than one person alone, to recognize in themselves personal defects.
I have to thank you for giving me a release from the normal daily stresses, when I became attatched to you...you gave me time, and consideration, when the rest of the world just wanted to give me duty and take control of my being.You were there for me, my salvation...but at the distance, I have to say, it was something within myself and within my mind, could enable me to find the strength , to filter out all the unimportant.Love is a questionable neccessity in life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


That was wonderfull....I have never heard that put so poeticly well........ truely beautyfull !!

Roberto, that was beautiful. Keep writing.

Something that you wrote made me think of one of my very favorite quotes:

I have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers.
Kahlil Gibran

Roberto Rocks!
my words were pale in comparison...but what he had to say,certainly generated in my soul...maybe he is an old soul trying to heed us, trying to direct us.maybe?
peace

Thank you for your words......after our chat tonite, I really needed some uplifting, strength giving words....when it felt like I had none left to give, not even to myself. I know this will pass and I'll find my path again....maybe solo for a while(hopefully not solo too long....lol). You renewed my optimism about being a valuable person that if my ym could love that...someone special down the road will also love......made only more special knowing that "I" carry that that valueable quality inside me all along that road!!! Thank you....you came into that chat room at a time when I needed to hear those words....to renew my strength.

whatever I can help with, I will be there for you.I admire your spirit, you have such a great quality that I can relate to.I thank you to for our chat...it was brief, but nice..good to know you:)
anytime you want to chat..yahoo me:)
I know also I can gain so much from you as well...you rock!
Peace

Hi Bad......I'm tickled that you think I rock...I'm going to share w/my 13 yr old son that someone thinks I rock!!! He'll probably roll his eyes and say......whatever Mom!!! LOL

Thanks again for lending such a patient ear and heart. Looking forward to seeing u on yahoo as well as here.........hope things went well for u after our chat. Consider me a new friend.....

You bet candygirl! anytime:) I am glad and lucky I have a friend in you..peace