Do you ever FEEL ALONE

Surely I can't be the exception, but locally there is no one I can talk to about the relationship J & I have. So basically all I have for support at this time is this board. I have read many wonderful post here and have received a lot of wonderful suggestions.

This is the first time I have ever been involved in an OW/YM relationship. Heck I wasn't even wanting to be involved in any type of relationship when I met J. Now here I sit, not only involved but finding myself caring very deeply for him.

So many days I question my sanity, then other days there is nothing I am more sure of then the happiness that J and I bring to each other.

I can talk to J sure, but to him the age difference (22 years) is simply numbers. He is great to talk to but still I often think a woman's point of view is what is needed.

I try to take one day at a time, but often I find myself looking towards the future and knowing that someday if J and I continue I will have to make some tough choices. Even though those are decisions that I don't have to make now, they are stilll ones that I think about. (ex: relocating, change of jobs, leaving my sons, selling my house, etc). I guess in some parts of my life I don't care for the unknown.

So my questions are:

Do you follow your head or your heart in the relationship with your SO?

Have you found yourself ever trying to PUSH your SO away just because you are feeling scared?

Have you run from other relationships before or doomed them to fail by pushing someone away?

Okay don't want to overwhelm everyone so I will stop there.

Boy do I need you folks in my life now.

Signed

Confused, Scared and Hopeful

Do you have yahoo? A lot of us yahoo each other and it sure helps me when I am feeling lonely. Some of us talk to each other on the phone and that helps a lot too!!

To answer your questions:

Do you follow your head or your heart in the relationship with your SO?

Both...my heart is way more fun..my head gets in the way and screws it up sometimes. *Beating head against wall*

Have you found yourself ever trying to PUSH your SO away just because you are feeling scared?

UH! YES! :( Sadly, too often.

Have you run from other relationships before or doomed them to fail by pushing someone away?

Yes :( I sure don't want to do that again!

heart...

yes...

no...


i know how you are feeling, and the questions we raise in our head, damn that chatter! follow your heart. for me it has been a lifetime of doing what everyone else said was "right". now do what you know is right for you...
and yes, i know how you are feeling alone...there was no one i could talk to about the situation i was in...a younger man who lived across the atlantic ocean...and here i was falling in love. best thing i ever did!

Do you follow your head or your heart in the relationship with your SO?

~I do both. I have a tendency to over-react and follow my heart more than I should. Luckily, I usually tend to catch that shortly after my over-reaction and can salvage my self-made crisis. I really REALLY need to work on that!

Have you found yourself ever trying to PUSH your SO away just because you are feeling scared?

~LMAO... YES YES YES... I do this all the time. Its a lucky thing indeed that Devon is so crazy about me and refuses to allow my wackiness to part us...

Have you run from other relationships before or doomed them to fail by pushing someone away?

I have a pretty low tolerance and so yes... I have run from other relationships. I always am the one leaving (smell a pattern here), so in that sense I suppose I might have doomed them.

Thanks Marcy, Christina and of course Tru.

Sure sounds like the pushing away by the female is pretty normal here.

I am not much into fast rides, the ups and downs of a rollercoaster, and yet here I find myself in a relationship that causes my emotions to feel like they are on a constant roller coaster ride.

I know what you mean, Summer, about the roller coaster ride. I feel like that too. Sometimes I just want to pack it all in, to normalize everything... but then I have to remember that anything worth having is worth working for, that you will never get anywhere in life without taking risks.

Originally posted by PinkCat
I know what you mean, Summer, about the roller coaster ride. I feel like that too. Sometimes I just want to pack it all in, to normalize everything... but then I have to remember that anything worth having is worth working for, that you will never get anywhere in life without taking risks.

GOOD POST!! Yes!! So true!

Originally posted by Tru
GOOD POST!! Yes!! So true!

Thank ya, Tru!!!

:)

i've posted it before, i'll post it again...

"life is a daring adventure, or nothing at all."
helen keller

:) enjoy the adventure!!!!

"Do you follow your head or your heart in the relationship with your SO?"

My heart - although truthfully it was my head that convinced me that there was nothing wrong with him EXCEPT his age, and it was my heart that was awfully scared of his youth, as much as it felt like I had found a kindred spirit.

"Have you found yourself ever trying to PUSH your SO away just because you are feeling scared?"

I thought about it, multiple times, but I never did anything about it. I had supportive friends IRL as well as here and that helped and I have a longstanding feeling that doing anything just because I feel scared is generally a bad idea. Fear does not send me the right instructions most of the time....

"Have you run from other relationships before or doomed them to fail by pushing someone away?"

No. Not since college, anyway, and that was a cross-country move, not really a pushing away, although I'm not sure what HE thought about it.

Pinkcat said it so well. I can tell you that with my ex boyfriend (15 years gap), who considered our relationship something abnormal deep inside, I often felt weird, as if I was doing something wrong. His mother was against me, his friends, too, but even before they had known I existed I could feel he was not comfortable by my side. It was almost as if he blamed me for having fallen in love with me. I tried many times to quit him, but love is so patient.

Then I met my boyfriend and I don't even think about the age difference. I feel so comfortable I forgot about it. He's hard worker, masculine, intelligent, has had many things happening in his life, he lived a lot and grew from his experiences. I honestly learn a lot from him.

His family is so warm, they never even considered the age gap as a problem, we don't feel it, sometimes I make a little joke like "I'm older, let me teach you this" but that's it. The gap between us is 16 years.

Is there anything else going on that makes you feel uncomfortable with your relationship? Because what you describe is more or less how I felt in my first age gap relationship, and now I see that it was a result of external things, because I never felt safe with him.

MariaLux

Is there anything else going on that makes you feel uncomfortable with your relationship?

The fear of the unknown.

Being rejected by family - this relationship potentionally could destroy the relationship with my youngest son (19)

The possibility of essentially having to start over - moving, leaving grandson, new job, and just hurting those around me

Fellings of being selfish when for once seeking something that makes ME HAPPY

Loving with my heart

The fear of getting hurt

(those are just a few)

Because what you describe is more or less how I felt in my first age gap relationship

This is the first time I have been involved with a man younger then me. Typically in the past the men are between 7-12 years older than I am.

Originally posted by Summer
MariaLux



The fear of the unknown.

Being rejected by family - this relationship potentionally could destroy the relationship with my youngest son (19)

The possibility of essentially having to start over - moving, leaving grandson, new job, and just hurting those around me

Fellings of being selfish when for once seeking something that makes ME HAPPY

Loving with my heart

The fear of getting hurt

(those are just a few)



This is the first time I have been involved with a man younger then me.

SUMMER! That is me! OMG! We have to let ourselves be happy don't we? That fear...darn that fear....

selfish???
to put yourself, wants, needs first?
time to sh*tcan the idea of selfish...

live your life for yourself, harm no one, but be true to yourself. live without regrets

SUMMER! That is me

Tru,

Told you I thought we had a lot more then we realize in common.

The fear of the unknown.

Being rejected by family - this relationship potentionally could destroy the relationship with my youngest son (19)

The possibility of essentially having to start over - moving, leaving grandson, new job, and just hurting those around me

Fellings of being selfish when for once seeking something that makes ME HAPPY

Loving with my heart

The fear of getting hurt

(those are just a few)



This is the first time I have been involved with a man younger then me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Tru oh no this is me too:) !!!!
I went to the mall today and saw all of the young girls with thier yms and very suddenly felt at least 100 years old :(
I thought oh my god, I can't do this...he is definitly going to dump me when he moves here to FLA. (19 year age gap) He phoned me at my office to say hi and I purposely gave him the cold shoulder all the while feeling like I was dying inside. He called back 45 minutes later all upset and asked with tears coming through in his voice if I had met someone else. I guess they have the same fears and insecurities as we do at times.

Joi -THANK GOD for this board to keep us all out of the looney bin!:D

It is so nice to see that I am not alone in the way I feel.

Originally posted by Joi

I went to the mall today and saw all of the young girls with thier yms and very suddenly felt at least 100 years old :(
I thought oh my god, I can't do this...he is definitly going to dump me when he moves here to FLA. (19 year age gap) D

Ok this is eerie! I swear...the time before last when I was at the mall with my daughter...I was sitting on a bench in front of the store waiting for her and people watching. The 19-23 year old crowd seemed to be out in force. I kept looking at those young girls and thinking "that is who he belongs with" and "oh great...if he moves here for university..that is my competition." :( I even told him on the phone while I was sitting there...I got so depressed I called him up and starting telling trying to tell him. He hushed me and wouldn't let me go on but boy did I feel old that day. Even typing it gets me all sad again. Sigh....

Summer,
I do feel those worries and concerns too and sometimes (not often though ;) ) try to push my ym (who is 20 to my 36) away ...

And yes, I get these times when I feel like "omg, I must be mad to go on with that"-feeling lol, mostly when I start thinking about all those implications (in our case, due to ldr, one of us is going to relocate to another country, another "culture" (even tho it's kinda related ;) ) and language - with job issues on top.

And yes, it can be overwhelming ;) At least for me; my ym himself doesn't seem to have the slightest concern about "us" :)

Still, as DS so wisely said, fear is rarely a good advisor ;) And my ym is always there to reassure me when I DO feel these "concerns" are taking me over ;) And the fact that we have had general acceptance among our (joint) friends and (his) family is helping to alleviate my discomfort ;)

Mostly, I am ok though ;) But then, I do believe that the future will take care of itself, so I really TRY not to waste too much time worrying, but rather enjoy what we are having, .... :D

reading this, and knowing i have the same fears and doubts...

how???? why????? when did we buy into this BS that we aren't perfect, whole, and complete...exactly how we are?
why do we have such doubt that our YM could find us attractive, worthy of his love?
i certainly have my "issues" with it. trying to figure out when/what the message was that gave me such insecurity.
so grateful to hear i'm not alone. so grateful for my YM's support/assurance that i am worthy...

hey, group counseling here? ;)

Tru and Summer.. You know we ALL have so much in common it
is to bad that we can't have an "ageless" reunion and meet up somwhere:) Tru, I can't believe how your episode went. I was actually sitting on a bench in front of the Guess store waiting for
my son (13), people watching:D I swear EVERY 24-28 year old was out shopping that day. I had a bad panic attack (first one in years) When my son came out of the store, I immediatley asked the poor kid if he thought I was pretty for my age. "Oh mom he said..you are beautiful..you look like a very, very, very old Britney Spears" :rolleyes: Out of the mouths of babes!!

Joi:)

kept looking at those young girls and thinking "that is who he belongs with" and "oh great...if he moves here for university..that is my competition."

Yes I do that all the time too. The best defense though... go to the mall with your ym! :)

Do you follow your head or your heart in the relationship with your SO?

I work very hard at following both. I follow my heart because I cannot imagine my life without him in it. And, I followed my head and came here to ageless, where I have received the support I need to be confident that I am doing the right thing by exploring what I have with Remi.


Have you found yourself ever trying to PUSH your SO away just because you are feeling scared?

OH YEAH. That is exactly what I did with Remi at first. After I was the one who flirted first, I got scared when he actually flirted back. I sent him the ugliest pictures of me. I let him see me on cam on a Sunday morning with no make up on, my hair a mess, and in my old pink bathrobe. I told him I wanted him to get out there and date women his own age. I told him that I wanted to date others and even did that. But, all that time, he was there waiting for me to work through what I needed to work through.

Have you run from other relationships before or doomed them to fail by pushing someone away?

No. I have never done that before Remi. Others have done that to me, but I have always been super confident in the past and was never afraid to "go for it". It was only after being hurt by the end of my last marriage that I became truly afraid.

But, I realize now that this type of reaction, to run or to try to push them away, is normal for the OW in an age gap relationship. I am reading "Loving a Younger Man" by Victoria Houston. It was written in the late '80's, but everything rings true. I have highlighted half the book so far because I can so relate. And, pushing them away is a normal reaction that many OW have at first.

So, don't beat yourself up. We are all sisters in this together. And, like Tru said, sometimes we chat on yahoo to keep reassuring each other that we are not crazy, that we are normal, and that we DESERVE these wonderful men that God has sent into our lives.


EDIT: by the way, Joi, there IS going to be an ageless "reunion", although first time meeting is more appropriate, in St. Louis on June 11th - 13th. I will be there, as will Tru and many others.

Indeed all your feelings are valid and some of them should be carefully considered.

I tried to push Greg away in the beginning. It was my typical pattern. Getting close to love and accepting that someone could actually love me was more than my heart and mind could handle. My inclination was to run. I tried several times. Of course I didn't want to run but my fear of rejection was so great that I simply couldn't cope. I never developed a set of tools to deal with true love and my fear of it.

Fortunately though, I worked through it with my therapist and with Greg. After about a year, I stopped trying to sabatoge my relationship.

And now we are a perfect couple. Yeah!! Right. Not!

But gosh, Summer, some of your fears are rational. But perhaps fear may not be the right word in this case. How about considering it from the perspective of things/people who matter to you. Of course, you should be concerned with a possible move from your loved ones. Who wouldn't be?? If I were contemplating leaving my grown children (and 19 isn't that grown yet) and leaving my grandchildren, then heck, I'd be freaking too.

How often do you see them? If you moved would you be financialy able to visit frequently? Weekend trips? Or would travel necessitate longer time? Will you work and be able to take time off?

I would worry least about the impact your relationship would have emotionally on people around you. That stuff would go away.

Don't be too hard on yourself about this stuff. There is nothing wrong with carefully considering how all of this will affect you, your boyfriend and all the loved ones around you. Those are true and real concerns.

Take it easy and relax a bit. You don't have to rush anything and given what you have described above I would say you do need to take your time.

But don't worry about the age issue. Any issues and arguments Greg and I have are never, ever age related. It's just plain old relationship adjustment stuff.

All the best,
Cindy

How often do you see them? If you moved would you be financialy able to visit frequently? Weekend trips? Or would travel necessitate longer time? Will you work and be able to take time off?

The move to be with J would be two states away from where I live now. Yeah I am lucky some people here are talking cross country moves. My kids and grandson live in the same town I do so I can just go see them anytime I want now.

Jeremy reassures me all the time that we can plan weekend trips to see my kids and grandson, (but still won't be the same). He even says they can come visit anytime they want and they can come visit us also.