Our first fight... (happy ending)

[First: let me say how much your replies to “Am I kidding myself?” meant to me. Thank you, everyone. The official answer is now “NO”. So: on to new business.]

My father was a steaming train wreck of a parent in a lot of ways. But he taught me to be fiercely proud of my heritage. (Can you tell?) So St. Patty’s Day means a lot to me. But my YM was completely not in the spirit for some reason. I should know by now not to always force everything. But I really wanted to share my excitement in the day. So I kept at him about it until he grumbled, “It’s just an excuse for people to get drunk, isn’t it?”

“I wouldn’t put it that way,” I said. “We just have a tradition of celebrating with drink, that’s all.”

“Well, isn’t it possible that tradition was a contributing factor to your alcoholism?”

My old man would have wanted me to punch him in the mouth. I did the next best thing by snapping, “Is it possible the Jewish tradition of penny-pinching was a contributing factor to your being such a cheapskate?” [I know – you don’t have to tell me. Not my proudest moment.] Now he’s fiercely proud of his own heritage. So he told me to go **** myself and I told him to do likewise.

We spent the next ten minutes silently seething. Finally he said, “Look, I didn’t mean to insult your people. If I did, I’m sorry. But all the drinking that goes on at this holiday only reminds me of how vulnerable you are to alcohol. And that scares the **** out of me, OK? So just don’t ask me to celebrate it.” I went over to him and hugged him so hard it compressed his rib cage. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, I love that boy. We completed our reconciliation in the nicest of all ways. And laying together afterwards, demonstrating an impressive reach of pop-cultural reference, he called me Abie’s Irish Rose. Sweet.

My question for the Peanut Gallery is this: is there anything I can do or say to help him feel more secure? I mean, hell – my illness scares the **** out of me too sometimes. But I know I can’t be afraid to live and love. And I don’t want him to be afraid to love me. Any thoughts?

Being an alcoholic (ex) is difficult for some people to understand.
(I have been sober for 4 years now) Your ym seems mature enough to care enough about you to grow with you in your journey. My simple advise is this...talk....listen....and love.
Works every time!

:D

Joi

Hi DaughterofEire.

I don't know if he were around you prior to you becoming sober. But, I would think that what would help the most is time. I know when my mother stopped drinking, for a very long time, I was worried that she would start again. I didn't want to see her hurting herself anymore. I don't remember how long it was before I finally relaxed and realized that her sobriety was now a permanent thing, but it took a while. She had been drinking for 11 years, and had tried to stop several times over the years, before she finally stopped. So, it just took some time.

So, as you continue onward in your successful management of your disease, I am sure that he will feel less worried as time goes by.

Years ago when I was dating a marvelous Jewish man we got into it. It escallated and he was trying to be very "adult" about the whole thing. I finally said, "Look buddy, my ancestors were taking heads and using them as footballs while yours were writing deathless prose -- don't f***k with me!" He started to laugh and the fight was over.

I have to tell you that I'm 99% Irish and was raised by my grandfather to be a Celt and celebrate the warrior tradition with its code of honor. We did not *ever* celebrate the Irish penchant for drink. Grandpa always said that "Its the ruination of us. I can't tell you not to hoist a pint or two, but I ask you think before you do it." As he and my grandfathers were all alcholics I understood and to this day I have never done more than sipped at a drink.

I don't celebrate St. Patrick's Day. The focus on alcohol makes me cringe. I have friends who wear black armbands on that day to remember the loved ones they lost to the drink.

I prefer to celebrate my heritage the other 364 days a year through music, story and collecting the incredible Celtic knotwork. Dave insisted our rings be knotwork and had them special ordered from Ireland. The knotwork symbolises "eternity" and that's what he wanted for us.

Why not make St. Paddy's Day a time to rejoice in what makes the Celts great instead of what is leading to our downfall? Why not read about our great heroes like Cuchulainn, Finn MacCool, Gráinne Ní Mháille (Grace O'Malley) the Pirate Queen, or tell tales about the Cattle Raid of Cooley? While you are at it let him show you the incredible history of the Jews and you can experience their rich heritage.

Of of the things about being Irish is our strength. We can do anything -- be anything -- survive anything. Sometimes we get a little lost along the way and make a wrong turn, but we always come back to right path. You are on the right path now and have a fine man to help you when you stumble. You have the strength to help him should he need it.

I could write you a book here, Love, but you already know the story. You don't need to celebrate your life from the inside of a glass.

Peace,
Jane Gael

Ps. I've always felt that the Irish were the Lost Tribe of Israel. When you look beneath the surface we have much in common. We are a tribal people and we love family, heritage and the Land (even if we aren't living there.)

:D I misread the title, I thought it said Our first night, happy ending!!

Well happy endings are always good, aren't they? And it was just a little fight where he showed he worries about you. If you don't have problems with alcohol just reassure him that it was just a social thing.

Hi, from someone of the same ethnic background, but the NYC variety.

My YM is equally non-Irish, non-Christian. My advice is steer clear of any ehtnic stereotyping, especially in the heat of an argument. If you really love and want to be with a man who is "different" then you need to accept and respect those traditions he grew up with, believes, etc.

Sorry to say that lots of people think it's OK to take shots at the Irish for drinking. I don't think that's right either, but it seems to be somewhat "PC" to do it.

Sounds to me like he really cares about you and your alcoholism. Take this as a positive. Assure him that you are committed to sobiety and your relationship. If it means a bit less "wearing -o-the -green" well - that's what can happen in a "mixed" relationship.

friend of bills, resident alien of ireland, in love with my originally jewish Adam who is now a practicing Christian.

Being proud to be Irish seems to be much more important to the second and third generations for some reason, the truth be know we can be proud of many things but reality is that our culture is steeped in alcohol, words like proud, raging, and throwing a punch at someone are not principals behind EMOTIONAL sobriety.

in your first post you said your tastes were changing.... a roller coaster ride and a hot dog beat out the old days of party life... congratulations on a sober st. paddys, sometimes it is time to put the past behind us, no drunken party with the disguise of celebrating a heritage is worth the consequences. in the beginning i thought everyone would understand recovery, they dont, all that matters is that you keep trying.... talk it over with other a.a.'s.

your tastes are changing, growing and that is grounds for a mighty celebration. be nice to your guy, he doesnt have to pay for your disease, he was right to be worried, take a second to think it through, he was dead right. remember that a little thought that looks innocent can lead to an action that can take you out, there is more to being Irish than drinking.

God bless and happy St Patricks day, you are blessed to have shared it with such a nice man. much nicer and much better than a drink.