i feel old before my time

I'm nearly 24, but I feel old before my time.

My whole youth is a complete wash out. I've never had any experiences with women, ive still not even had my first kiss yet, which I feel is abnormal for someone my age.

I feel like I have missed out on so much, I just feel so empty.

I find every day a struggle, I get depressed so often.

Andrew, I remember you from last year and I think you really may need to get some professional counseling. You do not need to stay depressed. I have been there and had to get help, AND...it helped! I am going to copy part of my reply from your last thread as I still feel it is true.

August of 2003:
I began to notice that it seems that if you are open to love, everyone can find someone.

I don't think there is any shame in being a virgin at 23. I find it refreshing. Everyone has to have their first kiss or hand holding sometime...you may be a few years behind the average but I know you are not alone. I know someone who's story is VERY similar to yours. He made it through that painful time and is now very happy.

I would like to suggest the internet is a great place to start to build your confidence. You can learn to converse with others, girls in particular and make friends. It is a lot easier from behind the monitor and it is a great learning experience. Taking it from the internet to real life may not be easy, but I think it will be a big help to have had the experiences online first. I know it helped my friend.

You say you have a strong urge to please women. As long as that stays in a healthy give and take relationship, I think that is a beautiful quality in a man. I bet you will be very caring and make some woman very happy.

Best wishes,

Tru

Hi there

I am taking professional help, but it doesn't seem to be working.

The anti depressants just don't seem to make me feel any better.

They can change the medication ....they may have to try different ones till you get the right one. I don't think just a pill is the answer either...talk therapy with a psychologist is also very very helpful.

You are so young! Don't be depressed over not having been kissed or not having a gf. You have lots of time and one day before you know it, you will be looking back and seeing this time as a distant memory of your past.

Join some clubs that you have interest in. Online groups are great. I read in your posts they you are interested in English Lit, history and science. Join some groups that relate to those things. Find friends that share common interests.

I met my bf online playing an online game. I was just playing for fun and then I made friends and a bf! Maybe you might try something like that.

Hang in there!

I'm sorry you're feeling like you do.

I'm sorry you have to pop pills to feel better about yourself, is it necessary. Yes, I too get down on not having someone in my life, or like recently the 4 guys that I've dated in the past 2 weeks all want fun and casual sex...( is this all ym think ow are for).

And you don't know how sick and tired I am (and am close to quit dating) with the constant guys online who IM me and then send me pics of themselves with a full erection. Its so tacky and tasteless.

but if I give up, I may be giving up on finding someone who isn't like this. Who is looking for a real relationship, with a solid foundation and a honest and strong character for which I would want to spend the rest of this life with. don't give up hope, everyday is a new day in finding someone who will love you just as you are and then you can dump those pills in the trash for good.

Personally, I find it attractive when a guy is not so physically worldly and would hope that whoever I hook up with isn't so, so much.
It shows he's careful and mindful of who he gives his heart and body to.

paris

You are obviously suffering from depression and have been for quite some time. You are trying all the right things as everyone has said. And I think the suggestions made to you are "spot on".

The only thing I might add is that if you can find it within yourself to approach women, even on the internet, with a semblance of positiveness, there are many wonderful women looking for a sensitive guy. But it's the positive attitude that really draws them, not experience or overt sexuality like Iparis said.

Do you have any ideas about how you can get through this successfully?

Andrew, what kind of help are you having? Just the medication or are you doing some psychotherapy? Is your family supporting you?

It's important to seek the right assistance, if your doctor just prescribes you drugs and don't send you to a psychologist (many doctors don't do the therapy unless they are trained psychiatrists and not all of them are), then you may suggest him to send you.

I remember you and I'm glad you came back here, although it worries me and many of us that time has passed and you are still in depression. Do you have any friends to open with?

Andrew, I remember your past threads as well. Glad to see you back again.

You will have to let your doctor know that the anti-depressants aren't working -- sometimes it takes a bit of trial and error to find the right medication, or even a combination of meds. I have a coworker who suffers from severe clinical depression, and it took four years for the doctors to figure out which drugs would correct the chemical imbalance. She currently takes a "cocktail" of 5 medications, and the dosage is still adjusted periodically -- but they are VERY effective.

I was a "cherry" until my late 20s.......

It's important to be realistic about why you can't find a girlfriend. There are a few basic causes:

1) You reject the ones that show an interest in you

2) The ones that you are interested in, reject you

3) You have some weird anti-social affliction that causes almost ALL women to reject you, ie. a major physical deformity or super-bad-breath, or B.O., etc.

4) You lack the social skills that stereotypically impress women:
ability to dance; being a good conversationalist; showing empathy for women's issues or interests, and so on.

The easiest of the above problems to fix is #1. Next time
a girl kinda flirts with you, go right along even if her looks aren't "just right." I've found that neat people grow on you, and as long as there's something special inside, external flaws can be overlooked. I honestly believe that good looks are massively overrated.

I've never had sex with a plain woman, but have come awfully close!! :D :p ; let me tell you, sexual passion has very little to do with looks once the lights are out and you are in a darkened bedroom. :D

Hi andrew,

I want you to know that within my circles of friends during my twenties, at least a handful of my male friends were virgins, one until he was in his early thirties. They're all very happily married now. A lot of the really special guys around are not aggresive like other guys when it comes to sex, and a lot of young women misinterpret kindness and respect as lack of interest.

Don't worry, some lady will snatch you up eventually. You may the kind of guy mature women appreciate more than the girls in your age group right now.

So chin up, ok?:)

Hi, I often have what I can only describe as "depressive attacks".

I seem to have these every 3-4 months. It lasts for a few days, during which I find everything such a struggle, but it passes afterwards.

How would a woman react if she knew I was a virgin ? What does it make them think ?

It makes me think that that man kept waiting for something special to come. That he was not just having sex because the occasion presented itself whatever it may have been.

It makes me wonder whether he's shy and if so that I have to be careful and delicate.

It makes me feel more responsible for the image he'll have about this first time. But it doesn't scare me. My ex was a virgin at 25. Another boyfriend was 27. I never saw them differently, I even liked that fact because they were quite romantic and picky, and waited (even if they had wanted to do it before of course) for the right moment.

Did you feel nervous or awkward that they were virgins ?
Were they any good at pleasing you sexually ?

Everything just flows naturally, Andrew. Your worry should be getting to know the person before, because when you know someone, you trust them, you feel comfortable, and nothing is unpleasant and if it is , you are free enough to tell.

When you don't know someone, it's just too hard even for those who are not virgins.

Not being able to please a woman is a big worry for me, i wouldn't want to dissapoint them.

How do you please a woman sexually ? does it come naturally ?

Andrew, although I think your worries are valid, I don't think it's that simple to tell you over the net and in public what to do. There are thousands of sites with very good (and often graphic, but in this case it would have to be graphic and Ageless is not really the place for it) explanations.
I cannot be hypocrite and tell you it will come naturally because I know it doesn't. An orgasm for a woman is not easy, especially if it's her first time with a man (but oh also for many others, I can tell you!). If she knows what to do, she'll tell you. Just be aware that age doesn't always guarantee you experience. I know by myself that I couldn't teach anyone something I didn't know until very little time ago, and I'm 43. Many women know how to get their own pleasure very early in life. So don't have the illusion that by meeting an older woman you'll be granted all the knowledge from her.
So you can study the techniques in books and online and I advice you to do that, but if you forget that there must be a strong connection between two people so that sex is the wonderful thing it is, then you'll be disappointed.

I am not against easy sex if both partners agree. If their connection is purely sexual, it's still a connection. In that case, for a virgin, it may be hard to find out what he has to do, but with a good experienced partner, it should be okay. They will probably have lots of pleasure in their time together and it's just fine.

If their connection is deeper, it means they have probably invested more time in knowing each other and when the time to be sexually active comes, I am sure that it will be a happy road for both of them, as inexperienced as one or both may be.

Sex is not like eating, or breathing. You are not born knowing how to do it automatically. Your instincts will help, you will know how to procreate okay, but getting pleasure from it, for a woman, requires higher functions. It requires taking time, going beyond the simple act of reproduction, it requires observation of the woman's reactions. In other words, it requires some dedication.

It's not that difficult, but if you don't enjoy it and taste all the good things that come before, if you are so much concentrated in the word orgasm, you'll miss all the fun. It's supposed to be fun, sometimes funny, all the time it's about sharing. Or so it should be.:)

their connection is deeper, it means they have probably invested more time in knowing each other and when the time to be sexually active comes, I am sure that it will be a happy road for both of them, as inexperienced as one or both may be.

That is the key, Andrew. Maria is right. If you have a loving relationship or are starting a loving relationship with a woman and you have that special bond, all the rest follows.

Usually if you are with an experienced woman, she will gently guide you to what is right for her. And trust me, all the love that you show her will make up for any little wrong moves that might happen along the way.

Focus on the relationship and then the rest will follow with great joy and anticpation...trust me, i KNOW, lol

Anti-depressants are certainly one tool that you can use on yourself. Do you also talk to your therapist about your dreams and fears and challenges?

That's pretty important, too.

Try thinking about some specific things about yourself that you would change if you could. (And don't say "everything"). We're talking tiny, specific things that, if they were to happen by some miracle, would make you just a teeny bit less depressed. And not things that happen "TO" you - like a girl, but things that you can do independently.

Tell the therapist what your little goal is and then tell that person all the reasons why you think you can't do this thing. Then start working through those obstacles. Are they permanent? Is there anything you can do about them?
What could you do to get closer to that goal? Is it really impossible? Why?

Sometimes we put up barriers to even the little changes that could make a difference in how we feel about our lives. And they feel impassable, but they're really not.

And sometimes little changes lead to bigger changes. It's all about knowing that nothing is permanent and many things are possible, given time and effort.

School, hobbies, volunteering - fill your life with things you like, slowly and you'll like your life alot more.

And people who like their lives are attractive to other people.

That's all it is.

Thank you for all your replies

I will try and put them into practice.

I just long for a woman that I can hold in my arms, and gently stroke. I just makes me feel so sad at times that I don't have this.

Hi andrew - Firstly, Im sorry u feel the way u do....being depressed whether you are young or old, a virgin or not...is an empty feeling. I suppose I want to ask you if, outside of your sexuality, do you have other things in your life that you feel are going well...are you working, a student, do you live at home, with others, alone? When you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror what do you see? I have been with a man for several years who was a virgin until his 30's. He played baseball and knew that distractions would limit his desire to play professional ball and religiously believed that 'waiting' for a special someone was worth it. In the end, he married someone who, after six months, up and left him with every material thing he had. He felt, too, that something might be wrong with him as he had let his 'youth' go by without the 'experiences' that other men had chosen to have. As a woman, the lack of experience and the 'reasons' for his virginity are something precious and valuable to me. That he chose NOT to participate in worldly 'ways' tells me his is a man of character who believes in the God I do....and that 'sex' is MUCH MORE than the joining of two bodies. PLEASE, PLEASE don't ever feel that you are MISSING...it WILL happen in your OWN time and for hopefully better reasons than those of your counterparts who have had multiple experiences have to share. The women and men here have some good advice....please do look into regulating your meds or asking about other options with your healthcare provider. Try to look at any positives in your life and go with those....we all have them....we all have SOMEONE in our lives that care and love us...even if you need to come here to find that YOU are worthy....YOU ARE!! Please dont let depression take from you the gifts that only YOU are uniquely given....sometimes we have to look for them...but they are THERE....and always have been. I'll be thinking of you and praying that you 'find your way'=)....as we all do at times....keep us posted! We do care! Darla

PS....sometimes when we stop wishing for what we don't have and look for the things we DO HAVE that are already there....and cherish those....we are surprised to find just what we do have....i know that you long for a woman to hold....cherish...YOURSELF...and that woman will come along....probably when you least expect it=).

You've gotten alot of good advice here, and I remember you from before. Please don't be down on yourself, there is nothing wrong with you. Every flower blooms in it's own time.

There is a movie I watched not too long ago called "Under the Tuscan Sun" that I'd suggest anyone watch. It's about this woman who gets destroyed in a horrible divorce and suddenly finds herself feeling like damaged goods and pretty hopeless.

It was one of those times, that something as simple as a movie spoke to me with so many symbolisms of how complicated our journey towards happiness seems, but how simple it can be.

In the movie, she is crying to someone about all her dreams and how empty her life was without a man. A story was told of how the Swiss built a train track over some very steep mountains "having faith" that ONE DAY a train powerful enough would come along that could make the trip.

She starting building that track (her life) by learning to appreciate the things/people she had around her that she had overlook. For instance she was crying she had no one to cook for. She suddenly realized she had these guys working on her house to cook for. She starting cooking for them like they were family, and found joy in it. Every time she did something giving and positive for others, another section of "that track" was laid. In the end, her train came along once she built her life up to be as joyful as it could be with the materials she had. When she least expected it or needed it.

I know it's hard, and I struggle with low self-esteem every day. If changing meds or doctors would help, then do it for you. But think about the rest of your life and what you can do to make yourself the best person you can be. LAY THE TRACK Andrew! and your train will come along......... I promise.

(hugs)

Singalou and Gypsy, what wonderful posts! I'll get that movie, Gypsy, I'm not sure I've watched it although the name is familiar.

You both are right, sometimes we have to look close to us to see real happiness. :)

Andrew, DesertSpring is right, I had told you about therapy, what kind of therapy are you getting? Do you have a good dialogue with your therapist. I know that in Europe, at least in this region where I am, therapy is not only uncommon, it's not covered by the social security, with the exception of some psychiatric disorders and for some children. Access is not as easy as it seems for our fellow Americans. How is it in Scotland? (were you in Glasgow?)

I watched that movie to .. Under The Tuscan Sun.... Diane lane was fabulous.. I loved that movie :)

Hi there Maria

I am undergoing Cognative Behavioural Therapy, and I also take 10mg Citalopram tablets.

My honey was a virgin and completely scared the night we hooked up. (shaking) But he is so sweet and such an amazing person. He is very shy, which explains the virgin part... so it took crazy me on the attack to change the whole virgin thing. He is the best lover I have ever had. He is completely attentive and loves rockin my world. He waited a little longer than some, and yes, was frustrated, but wow.... he is amazing.

Funny story... Thanksgiving I get to meet his family... just like the movie, big fat greek wedding... and I am 25 years older. It was a crazy weekend and I held my breath and somehow got through.

The highlight was his brother who was drinking beer and the first second my boyfriend stepped away... he leaned over to me, slapped me on the shoulder and said,

"I just think he needed to get laid!"

I smiled and assured him that his brother was hooked up.

It was a classic moment.

But my boyfriend was pretty depressed. Had attempted suicide and the family was worried. There are effective shrinks and not so good ones. If you arent getting what you need, try something different.

This site is an amazing place for support. The feedback has really helped me a lot. These folks are really smart. You have found a gem. Hang in there.

Please don't judge your own personal happiness on whether you have been with a women sexually.
Guys get so much pressure from one another in their teens and early twenties to go out and "score". I remember that is all they talked about in high school and college. It got very old with every guy comparing each others experiences.

I decide not to have sex until I was ready with someone that I loved. I had seen to many friends get STD's:eek: and get girls pregnant, for just one moment of passion. I decided it was not worth it.

I did get down on myself at times for not getting out there and "rock some chicks world". I just keep tellin myself it would be worth it to wait for that someone. I finally did it with someone that I love very much in my mid-20"s. We had dated for a couple months before we were ready. The sex happened naturally for me and I REALLY "rocked her world". She told me afterwards that she did not know I was a virgin! So, it is a golden memory and I am glad I wanted for the right moment...

I feel increasingly reluctant to embrace what I know as life

"Life" as I know it consists of lonliness, talking to myself, no friends, no conversations, isolation.

Cheap ready made meals, and long days full of frustration, purposlessness, and aimlessness

Dialogue that consists of near endless criticism from family, managers, peers.

A world populated by people that ignore me, forget about me, want rid of me.

A world in which my very presence is resented. Where I do nothing except make others feel awkward and uncomfortable.

A world of endless rejection from prospective employers, and career opportunities which fail to materialise.

My world remains untouched by Love and friendship. It would seem I am immune to both of them.

I feel now is time for the sun to set on this barren and empty world.

A lot of the time I feel as though I am already dead

I have so little enthusiasm for life that death doesn't seem such a bad thing a lot of the time.

Life brings nothing but pain to me. I feel death would give me an inner peace that I could never achieve in life.

I'm really sorry that this just not has been your day especially and you are feeling as you do. It's hard to feel like you don't matter and that your life means nothing in the great scheme of things.

I don't know what we can do to help you outside of offer our support to you and ask you to please consider reaching out to someone close by who can help you. I am a mother. I have a daughter who was suicidal when she was just a few years younger than you, she's 27 now.

I am so glad you are taking steps to get out of this terrible depression you are in. But as Sally said, you need more. Have you been diagnosed with a particular condition, such as a syndrome or disorder? Do you have a support group that you could go to for that?

Please make a call now, please! You have everything to win, and nothing to lose, I promise. Where are you located?

We love ALL of our ageless members. We are like family, Andrew and you are part of our family. We don't want anything bad to happen to you! Please hold on for all of our sakes and yours.

Hi there Sally, Bubbleee

I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feel that my life is a nuisance to other people.

I feel as though I mean nothing to the world around me. I don't seem to have a role to play in society. I spend so many of my days just wandering around aimlessly.

I am struggling with my job and my studies. I am underperforming in both of them. My career seems over before it has begun. I find myself unable to move my career forward.

I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone. I am nearly 24, but I have never made any friends in my life. It is just one of the many basic social skills that I lack.

I have no money to go anywhere or do anything. Every weekend is spent alone in a room by myself.

I feel that I have regressed over the last 6 years, while everyone else is moving forward with their lives.

I have an appointment on Wednesday.

I don't know what disorder or syndrome I suffer from. All I know is that I have a depressive disorder.

I understand, I really do.

I agree with Sally. You are NOT your feelings. Have you called your doctor yet? What about your family? What about your mom?

There is alot of pain here at ageless. Just different kinds, you know? I have been at a point where my life feels like the movie Groundhog Day . Every day you get up. Every day it feels the same. It is hard to move on. We may not all have felt exactly as you do, but most of us have been somewhere in the neighborhood, you know?

There are others that feel as you do I am sure. It is a horrible way to feel and to live. You have to CHOOSE to move forward, and get help to do it.

Every human being has value. You have reached out to us. Now reach out and let someone who can, help you. Take that risk, ok?