I have issues...

I've been reading and reading and reading many of the topics around here, I sense alot of wisdom amongst you ladies and gentlemen. Now I need to vent just a bit, and I'm willing to listen to any and all advice.

I've had a life without the greatest men in it. My dad was a drunk that walked out when I was 2. My soon to be ex, was a great guy...loved and respected by all, but oy did he have a way of blaming every bad thing ever in our lives on me. I think I have this deep problem, wherein I not only don't like myself, but tend to think every thing bad that happens to people close to me is somehow my fault.

In walks my YM. He says the only thing about me that he really can't stand, is how I see myself. I guess he sees me as so much more than I see myself. I have this strange fear (that I try very hard to hide) of not being enough to keep him around. Or somehow I think he doesn't really know what he's saying, and he can't possibly want me as much as he does.

How on earth do you get over crappy feelings like this?

Lack of confidence or lack of self-esteem are very common problems. I am not a therapist and don't know the best techniques to develop those traits, but I usually tell my friends that nobody is better than nobody. If someone tried to convince you of that, they are just proving they are lesser than you: at least you have the advantage of being humble.
But being too humble and worse, thinking you are not good enough, will handicap you in your relationships, because the fear of not succeeding will stop you from being yourself, and blossoming in the relationship.

We are all here in the school of life to learn. Some of us have more difficult classes (in my opinion because we can afford them) and it's onlly natural that we take longer to get to graduation. Some of us are discrete and subtle, and won't be raising hands everytime the teacher asks us a question. It's not that we know less, it may be because we are deep thinkers and need to be sure of what we're going to say.

What is it exactly that makes you feel bad about yourself? What doesn't you like about yourself? Maybe thinking about it and making a kind of list will make you realise it's not that serious and you can try to change some things and just accept others that are part of who you are.

If you feel that your not worth the ground you stand on because you've had a husband who said so, you are who others say you are.

Now this new man is telling you your are on a different ground when it comes to him, believe him...why is it so hard for you to believe him, but easier to believe your ex.

Alot of times its a matter of getting to a place in your mind, your body, your spirit and your life and then choosing to think differently about your way of thinking. Who you are and who K wants to be, only K can decide, not me, not your ex, not anyone here and not your ym, only you.

There are times that I tell myself the same thing as Nessa, but I don't have a man in my life to tell me differently so I can't give someone else the responsibility of helping me feeling good about myself, I have to do it myself. You will find eventually, that whether your in a relationship or not, you can validate yourself and what a great person you are, whether some man is there or not. He's not there to define you, but isn't it great that he can see past your weaknesses and champion the good he sees.

So the next time he says something good about you, blush and say thank you, gracefully, believe IN him, (lest he gets tired of emotionally holding you up), and remember, you're not in kansas (ex) anymore...let it be. Enjoy this ym now on his ground.

Paris

Low self-esteem is one of the most common emotional problems that people have. As a culture we expect a great deal of ourselves and when we have a partner or a parent who makes us feel as if we are nothing, those feelings can last long after you have gotten away from the abuser.

You can find a lot of resources on the net about raising your self-esteem and even more important on recovering from domestic abuse. You don't say it and maybe you don't realize it, but you were a battered woman -- only he used blame and guilt instead of his fists. The results are just as harmful and as devastating. You might want to seek counseling to help you deal with what you went through while you were married.

It has been said that "emotional abuse is heart and soul mutilation." You need to heal from what was done to you so that you can move ahead with your wonderful YM.

As for taking the blame for bad things happening to others, it's called "victimization." You have set yourself up as being responsible for things and people you have no control over. It's possible that this started by someone else blaming you and that you have continued the abuse. It's a funny thing about being abused for long enough...you tend to continue to abuse yourself just as if your abuser was still there.

Do a Google search for emotional abuse and self esteem. There are a lot of sites that can help you, or suggest a direction you want to go. Check them out and do what feels most comfortable for you.

What has helped both Dave and I is to recognize where the feelings come from and deal with the fact that the abuser has problems of their own. Sad for them, but it is *their* problem and it's up to us to move on and make something of our lives independent of the abuser.

Its helped a lot to find ways to be a good person. Volunteer opportunities are every where. If you don't have time, you should never miss collecting for toy or clothing drives (or starting one of your own), never pass a charity canister without dropping in your change or even a bill or two if you can spare it. Sponsor a child from one of the agencies like Christian Childrens (it's only about $20 a month.) There are many things you can do even if you have very little spare change. Make sure you acknowledge your action to yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for caring about someone else.

You can endeaver to be kinder to those around you. A compliment costs nothing and can make you a friend or ally. Do a favor for someone who needs it, better yet do it without being asked. You do it because you are a good person, not because you expect something in return. When I'm asked at work why I do something I just say "I'm a nice person" and let it go at that. I now get smiles from people I barely knew before. Dave does too and it really boosts how you feel about yourself to be liked and respected.

I'm You are at the start of a healing journey, one that will lead you to self-discovery and a building of a new you. It's a wonderful trip. I'm so glad that you have a wonderful YM to accompany you. It won't all be sunshine and roses, but it will be worth the effort.

Peace,
Jane (56) who loves Dave (30)

Hi Kym

Sounds like your first husband has emotionally abused you. This is something that I know quite a bit about, because I have just recognized it in my own family and am dealing with the repercussions of having been emotionally abused for the last 30 years.

It can be very devastating on your self-worth and self-esteem when you have other people around you (who say they love you) constantly berating you, putting you down, and in your case, telling you that you are the source of all the problems.

This is just an attempt of people to take power and control over you. You have to resolve yourself not to let this happen. Who gave them the right to tell you how to run your life?

What you have to realize is that you have a lot of healing to do and it is not going to happen overnight. You have to give yourself permission to like yourself (if you don't already) and to love yourself for the person that you are.

Your YM already sees these wonderful things in you. His compliments are not imaginary or unfounded. They are a reflection of who you really are, not who you have let others make you out to be.

I highly suggest you do some research on emotional abuse. As I have found, there is tons of information out there. If you haven't already done so, sit down and talk with your YM about what you are feeling. Get it out in the open if it isn't and keep the channels of communcation open. I also highly suggest seeking out a therapist for some professional help. I know some people don't take well to the suggestion of this kind of aid, but believe me after two therapists (I am currently looking for my third) I have found them to be invaluable in my search to improve my own self-worth and self-esteem.

You will find the road a bit bumpy, but I think being free to think positively about yourself, to be confident about who you are and feeling in control of your life, are all worth it.

Good Luck

David (30) who asolutely adores Jane (56).

yes, therapy is always good! and productive. it is a hard road... but worth it

sometimes too, just affirmations to change the "tape" running
"i love and approve of myself."
"i am perfect, whole, and complete...exactly how i am."

yeah, yeah... hear ya saying i don't believe it, how can i say it. give it a try...change the program

I've been looking for a chance to contribute something to these discussions. But being so new at this OW/YM business, I haven't felt qualified to venture an opinion on anything. But if the subject is low self-esteem, you're in the presence of an authority.

I wish this was something that could be remedied with a short course of antibiotics. But building a strong healthy self is a lifetime project for most of us. And that includes all the people you think have it so much more together than you. (Remember all the "cool" kids in high school who seemed so self-confident? I'll let you in on a secret. *They were faking it.*)

I've come to think of it in terms of that inexhaustible subject: baseball. I've played pretty disgracefully so far this season - chasing after wild pitches, making elementary fielding errors, forfeiting when I've been too drunk to make it out of the dugout. Even worse, I've behaved badly towards my fans. Maybe I've put myself out of contention for the World Series - who knows. But every game is a fresh start - a new opportunity to show what kind of ballplayer I *can* be. I'm not going to get any hits thinking about all the embarrassing strikeouts I've racked up. And I know stepping up to the plate that I'll be doing well if I hit 3 out of 10. But if I keep my eye on the ball and give it my best, that will be enough for the few people still cheering for me from the bleachers. And more important, I'll be able to feel good about myself when the season is over and the stadium lights get turned off.

Or if that was too Kevin Costner for you, take Hamlet's advice: "Assume a virtue if you have it not". Give your best impersonation of the the admirable self others see in you. Keep it up long enough and it won't be performance - it will be reality.

Wow! I go to church and come home to oodles of wonderful responses...many thought provoking responses. I need to work on me for awhile...I do wish this close to a seperation and all that I were just going to be alone for awhile, but I'm already so deeply involved with my guy (and don't want to loose him) that he'll just have to walk with me while I try and heal. Alot of damage takes alot of mending. I'm actually quite a happy person most of the time, I just hate talking about me. Its when the praises come of me, that the self conscience me emerges. I am active in my church, I help quite often at the Ronald McDonald House in Baltimore (my all time favorite place on the entire planet to volunteer) I'm gonna be ok....I guess you just wonder sometimes if you're the only one who has it totally not together *L*

I had read one time, that many younger men find themselves attracted to older women for their sense of self, no games, they've got their feet firmly planted on the ground and are so self assure. Well that description did not fit me at all...I'm still learning and growing and trying to find myself. I just wondered if I was alone.

Thanks for the advice, talks and comments of commraderie *hugs*
~Kym

You sound so much like me and yes you probably do need alone time, but ... well if he is as good as he sounds maybe he'll help speed up the process.

I struggled like you are and in many ways like I said in my isolation thread, I have come to really like myself. Now if I could only find a man to agree LOL.. but in time.

I think the hardest thing is negative self messages. My dad was a drunk that kicked me out of the house and my first husband was verbally abusive... so I had to claw myself out of a hole, hope you do it faster than I did, but it is a journey not a destination. I no longer call myself STUPID etc like I used to but it took real effort to stop. I mean a real struggle.

The people here have helped me so much. I know I gush sometimes but this is truly the first place I've gone where I felt the love and acceptance I craved. I couldn't believe it when I first came here and people talked to me and laughed at my jokes. Some friends here I know will be life long.

Originally posted by irparis


So the next time he says something good about you, blush and say thank you, gracefully, believe IN him, (lest he gets tired of emotionally holding you up),
Paris [/B]


This is good advice....I have a girlfriend who is very pretty but she can't see it. She has had some wonderful men in her life but they got tired of her insecurities and got tired of always having to convince her that they loved her, that she was worthy, etc.... To a man confidence is sexy. I am not saying that we can never let them see that we are human and have insecurities, but there is a limit. When you are feeling insecure about you and his love for you, DO NOT tell him this all the time. Call a girlfriend or post something here. I do not believe that we have to go to our SO with EVERYTHING. When I was younger I used to do this, now I choose what is very important for me to tell him....the rest I complain to my girlfriends about.

Originally posted by DaughterOfEire
I wish this was something that could be remedied with a short course of antibiotics. But building a strong healthy self is a lifetime project for most of us.

Whenever I see people posting about their struggles with low self-esteem, I wonder if I should mention that there -is- a "short course" available, which doesn't necessarily "fix" the issue overnight but gives people a lot of insight into issues that may have been running their lives, and more importantly, power over them. See www.landmarkeducation.com.

There are other things of this type out there, but I don't know much about them. I have seen this course be very effective for people though. Just in case anyone wonders, it has NO religious component, there's nothing to "join," etc. etc. I have heard many say that the course has given them quickly what it often takes years of expensive therapy to get through. (It is not a replacement for therapy and isn't meant to be, it takes a different approach. Many take it while they're -also- in therapy too, of course.) And, it's not designed to remedy any particular "problem" but offers insight and tools for anyone.

Best of luck kymburlee!

Kym,

Hello and welcome!!

Kym, I don't think that anyone who has been mistreated repeatedly by others can expect to feel valuable and lovable and confident in people right aaway. Negative reinforcement has a profound effect on people, and so does positive reinforcment. There are classes you can do in my town which demonstrate this.....in a group of 30 people, each person has to go up to every other person in the class and share a positive observation about that person. After 30 compliments, these people are absoutely elated! Imagine the effect if the observation was a negative one?

Kym, the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to gracefully and gratefully accept the positive reinforcment of your partner. If you see his positive comments as a gift, then you will understand that it hurts when you throw that gift back in his face. You don't have to believe him, you just have to reward him for this gift. Smile warmly, hug him, thank him for his uplifting words! Eventually his positive reinforcment will change the way you see yourself, so don't discourage it, please!!!

This also goes for strangers, friends, and acquaintences. Positive energy in the form of compliments, smiles, and encouragment is like the universal expression of love. Thank people when they send these loving messages your way. I will make your life richer.

"We are all here in the school of life to learn. Some of us have more difficult classes (in my opinion because we can afford them) and it's only natural that we take longer to get to graduation."

Maria....I LOVE what you said here....can I put this as a qoute in my book !?!?!?

Major Hugs, Sweetie (love your new pic!)
Karen

Of course you can Karen! All yours!! :) :)