:::Sigh:::: what to do...

I am not really looking for advice or anything just need to vent dammit.

As some of you may know when I introduced myself here I have been corresponding with my guy in TX for about 6 months now. I am 39, in NY, and he is 20. We were going to meet in April but due to personal difficulties in his life we decided to postpone the visit to sometime over the summer. However over the past month our communications have gotten less and less as things have gotten worse and worse for him to where it is just a trickle now and then. It would not matter to me what his situation is if I went to visit him in April but it does matter to him so I know he cares and wants things to be better when I do come there.

I dont expect anyone to understand what I am saying as the only people who truly understand a relationship are the 2 people in it. Both him and I have always been very honest with each other so I know the way he is or at least the way he has presented it to me. When we first started talking we talked all the time via e-mail, phone, IMS and webcam. Recently his band which he had his heart and soul invested in broke up, his truck.. which was an old one anyway... is completely broken down and is not worth fixing and he has to get rides from everyone, his living situation is not good amongst other things. He has plummeted from the guy who was on top of the world 6 months ago to someone who was just getting tired of not having anything good to say to me about himself so he now has nothing to say.

However the lack of communcation from him has been completely disheartening and frustrating for me. I have decided that the way I know him is this .. he basically has nothing to say and just needs or wants time to make things better for himself and is just tired of telling me how bad things are. However, he has not come straight out and said this to me. I am gambling on this because of how I Know the way he is..... he has no reason to lie to me. He is the type of person where he says something he means it. He does not play games or is not being intentionally malicious to me.

Also looking at the situation from his perspective and as what a friend told me recently is this ... Here he is in a really bad way in his life with a woman from NY who cares about him a great deal. She has a good life there, decent head on her shoulders, a nice home, job etc. It just blows him away, is overwhelming to him now or he hates to have me see him like this.

He did call the other night in a very good mood very talkative about a new truck he was getting. We talked for a while about that and other good things. He did say also Wow it was great to talk to you like this before he got off the phone so things appear to be picking up. I did not ask him about why he had not been in touch as it was such an upbeat convo. Plus my gutt instinct has been really good to me so far in life and it told me not to bring it up and just go with the flow.

I sent him an email yesterday telling him my feelings about his lack of communication but that I understand why. I also told him to do what he has to do and that I am not going anywhere where it comes to me and him ....for the time being anyway ...as he is very much worth it to me. But I do have to live my life and am going to do just that but also keeping him in my thoughts and will always be there for him as his friend. I asked him to keep in touch with me whether things were bad or good as I do care and at least deserve some sort of communication from him. I also said that I was not going to pursue him as in IMs, calls etc and it was up to him to be in touch with me. Basically, the ball is in his court.

I have decided to stop being confused and frustrated... things are the way they are right now...thats it. I have myself to take care of and my daughter plus my zoo of animals LOL. My gutt instinct tells me to stick ths out with him whatever it is and see what happens. But if I dont hear back from him within a couple of weeks which I consider a reasonable amount of time then I will have to rethink things....and take it from there.

I am no wimp but it makes me happy to be able to give him the benefit of the doubt and this chance of time.....sometimes thats all one needs in their lowest of lows ..someone to believe in them and the gift of time to get it together. If this is the case then I am glad to be the one doing it ...

Hopefully my situation wont be chalked up as one of those big "WHAT IF's" in life but as one of my fave bands Hatebreed says: A lesson lived is a lesson learned...." . I feel much better now saying this and appreciate everyone reading it also. If anyone has been in a similar situation with good or bad results I would love to hear your story too.

I'll update you as things happen.

Ciao for now.

I just wanted to say I think your gut instinct is right...I think it's hard for him to communicate right now because he's so down and out at the moment. You're right to give him time, space and understanding. He'll be so grateful to you when he DOES get his act together and begin communicating again. Your trust and patience will pay off big time!:)

*nodding* yes, i think your instinct is right..and i think it is very important for our YM to feel he has something to contribute, as OW we are somewhat established and i think there is a "comparison" on their part and a need to be "more" in our eyes

Having gone through a couple of long-distance relationships (only one started out as long-distance), I would recommend that you meet him as soon as possible. If you can afford it, go now. You are a positive force in his life and confirming your feelings in real life would be good for him and help to support and motivate him. Waiting around for him to reach a comfort level with his life could make the relationship fizzle out. You are going down there to be with him, not to be wined and dined by him. If you are planning on staying in a hotel, then he won't have to worry about his meager living situation. The lack of communication worries me. If I were you, I would get there as soon as possible. Remember (and you may have to remind him of this), he is not the only one in this relationship. He needs to respect your feelings, as well. There are a couple of members here who spent months in their virtual and phone relationships only to see their up-to-then wonderful guys disappear when they insisted on meeting in real life. They lost chunks of their life and had to cope with pain and wounded self-esteem. You seem to be a very caring person and it is kind of you to let the relationship revolve around him only, but you really need to address your own situation, too, and he needs to be sensitive to that.

I have no experience with this type of thing personally. And I think how you have decided to handle it makes sense considering you have only known him for about 6 months.

But the trickling off of communication is not a good sign to me, at all. EVEN if he is being honest with you, the fact that someone puts walls up and such when things are down, isn't good for a relationship. There is no relationship without emotional support, both good and bad, and I know when things get rough for my guy and we are apart, he wants to talk to me about it. AND if I could get there to be with him, he'd take it on any terms.
We knew each other IRL before this LDR, however.

I can tell that you have a good head on your shoulders by the way you write. I enjoy what you have to say and your candor about yourself and your situation. You know what they say, "If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck." The fact that he's pushing you away after only six months just doesn't sit well with me.

Keep us posted, K? And be happy!

Wow!

I really appreciate the varied responses....I am sort of in the middle.

While I was perplexed as to the lack of communication ... knowing John thats why I decided to kick back and see what happens but only for a while. If I dont get some sort of answer in a couple weeks I will simply take it as a complete disregard for my feelings ..inform him of that and move on.

If he does respond to me or his communications start to increase then I will see what happens until the summer and definately go for arrangements to meet then. If something happens where he wants to make it happen later again no matter what the situation is I am moving on.

I really dont consider myself waiting for him as I am doing my thing day to day and allow myself some time here and there to think about him. For 5 months before I even started talking to John I was doing my alone thing and loving it. I had and still have no interest in dating anyone here on Long Island IRL. I like not having anyone to report to now but myself and after 20 years with someone day and night I am not ready to go for a full blown thing again.

But it does not mean that John did not touch my heart and soul in a special way where I accepted that he was far away and it would take time to build something if something were to occur.

This attitude probably helps me with what is going on with John now. I do admit that after such a long time not having any positive vibes from anyone I did welcome them from John but with the realization he is 1800 miles away.

Call me a cold fish maybe but I have to protect myself and my life that I have worked very hard for. If someone does not appreciate that even after being given my 100% understanding, patience and support they don't deserve any more of me. As another one of my bands 311 says ... dont dwell!

"Everything is a choice
Go ahead raise your voice
Might as well forgive your self
That means more than someone else
Set you free break the shell
To your demons farewell
(Ooh na na na na) I tell you don't dwell!!"

Life is too short.... live, love, laugh and learn (not necessarily in that order)

Hi BL....

*smiles*

I've sat here for a few days...reading this thread. And, it took me till now to respond...because, quite frankly, the situation sounds all too familiar with me...

Everything appears to be fine...you're going along, the love continuing to grow. And then...hard times come...and the situation seems to change, but you're not sure how. And the communication gets less and less frequent...

Oh yes, all to familiar...

I try to never let my situation affect the things I say to others. Lord knows I have a reason to be bitter and to be angry and to bring down LDR's...but, I don't. It's my choice not to...because there IS some good in these things...

Just please, be careful...that's all I ask...is please be careful, please watch out for yourself. I believe you said it yourself...you have to protect yourself. You have to do what is right for YOU. So many times on Sunday church when I went, I heard the phrase, "Think of the other person before yourself"...well, that doesn't always apply...doesn't always work...

And, you have to think of yourself...of your own heart...

And, as much as you never want to think of the negative aspect. As much as you never want to think of the "Worst case scenario"...think long and hard....do you see any writing on the wall?

Looking at a situation with only rose colored glasses on, will lead you to fall harder than you could might imagine is possible. And please believe me, I'm not saying to dwell on the negative...dwell on the worst thing that can happen, happening...

All I'm saying...is look at it...see both positive and negative possible outcomes...and then, do what's best for YOUR OWN HEART and MIND...

And as your situation continues, please know, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers...

*Hugs*

~Dan

Hi Birdlady,

I just want to say I empathise with you here. I've read a couple of your posts now and seem quite articulate. It's therefore no wonder that communication is important to you, as it should be for everyone.

Anyway, I know you aren't after any earth shattering advice, but please keep us updated about your situation. Hopefully venting on this site can give you some freedom to find the joy you seek. We're all here to support you.:)

I wrote a thread on LDR's not long ago, I don't know if it will give you any assistance, but I hope that you can find a little comfort in reading it: http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?s=&threadid=9225

Take care.

Dan and Roberto,

Thank you for your very honest but yet kind words. I really appreciate it. Dan yes that is how I feel but I guess we all take chances in life. Roberto you wrte beautifully .. I love it. I am looking forward to seeing your first book!

We have been talking more lately... and reading the other threads I have learned much.

It just all boils down to that we were both everwhelmed with everything. We are being more casual with each other and its working wonders.

BTW ... he is getting a new car and over the summer it looks like he is coming to NY :)

Its all good.

Thanx for your support everyone.

Ciao for now!