sad and blue

hello
I guess I have a cry me a river story to talk about today.

Last week me and my boyfriend of 2 years hes 22 i am 39 went to Vegas on vacation. We met some friends there and went out to a club. My boyfriend is really quiet and does not like loud bars. I was holding the money because he felt that he didn't want to get pick pocketed. So, after about two hours I started getting upset with him. My friends bought him drinks and he didn't say thank you or reciprocate. He didn't want to dance or talk or anything. This is not really that abnormal for him but he was way extra quiet. I got real rude to him and yelled at him, saying he was a big bore. And I was sick of it. I basically told him to leave if he didn't change his attitude. So, he left and went back to the hotel. when I came back he was there and we got into it more and it ended with me kicking him out of the room. The room was registered to me and not him so the security told him if I wanted him to leave he would have to. He also had no money, clothes or cell phone. So he left. He didnt come back all the next day. I called the police, hospitals, jails and everything. I made a police report. The next day I figure it was time to call his family to tell them the bad news. when I called them I had a real sore throat so I could barly talk on their answering maching. So i had my friend call she said half way throught the message they picked up and said he was home and than hung up on her.
I was very relieved and whe I came home two days later when immediately to his job to tak to him. He said he was very angry, I apologized and begged him to come back home. We live together. He told me he changed his address and bank and took all his stuff out of the apartment the day before. He hugged and kissed me and said that he needed time to think about it. The next day he met me at this bar by our house. H e again said he loved me and wanted to marry me, that I was like a drug he couldn't say no to , I was like a magnet that pulls him in and he promised he would come home that he just need some space. the next say friday he came over after work we stood out to 5am He said he promised he would be back in a few days. He said he would call me around noon and come over and spend the night with me. Saturday he never called, and today I havent heard from him. I have no way of contacting him. I dont understand. Why would he lead me on like this after 2 years. I dont understand. I have been crying all day. If anyone has a gut feeling, vibe something advise. I am suffering so badly and just dont know what to do. I am broken hearted, I thougt he loved me and would be with me forever.

:(
I am so sorry to see you hurting. I can only imagine what it is to realise you have done a huge mistake that might have damaged your relationship badly. Many of us have been there.

The truth is, if you put yourself in his shoes, what you did was really merciless. Imagine yourself in another place, no money, no place to stay, in the street... even if you had had a very huge fight, unless it became really violent, you should never have kicked him out. I lived a situation like that and couldn't, I let him stay with me until he could go.

I hope he'll be able to forgive you, but maybe he needs more time. I guess you have to continue to tell him you love him, but give him some space now.

I don't know what else to say to you right now. Was everything okay before this fight?

yes, he tells me daily how he loves me and wants to marry him.

I did tell him at first to stay and in the morning I would give him money and stuff. He kept getting more angry and going on and on and he looked almost like he was going to hit me or something, I got scared thats what made me make him leave right than and there. I also told him to come back in the morning to get money and clothes. He never has hit me or anything but for a split second he looked like he might. When we met up with eachother he admitted at that minute he was actually thinking about it. I thought he would cool off and come back.

I am so sad and depressed He is my world and I love him so much. I dont know what to do. I wish I could get some comfort from something. I had hope and felt much better because he promised he would be back in a few days now he MIA. He even left his work stuff outdoor clothes and ID and steel toe shoes here from on friday when he changed here. He needs these for the morning so He hasnt even come to get those. I guess he could have bought another pair of shoes and just tell hisjob that he lost his badge and get a new one. I am shoked, devestated, sad, I cant stop crying. I have never been this upset about anyone ever. I just wish he would come home.

I got real rude to him and yelled at him, saying he was a big bore. And I was sick of it. I basically told him to leave if he didn't change his attitude. So, he left and went back to the hotel. when I came back he was there and we got into it more and it ended with me kicking him out of the room. The room was registered to me and not him so the security told him if I wanted him to leave he would have to. He also had no money, clothes or cell phone. So he left.

You don't treat people you love like the above quote.........
You are hurting, it was a crappy night, but just re-read the above over and over again.
What a crappy vacation, I doubt if I would want to be with a person who did this to me.
Your lucky he gave you a hug. He may love you, but I don't think he wants to be with you right now.
Now honestly tell me this.......
Was Alcohol a factor?
I do feel for you, you screwed up, yes you are going to be sad, but think about this..What can you change in yourself about the things that went on?
I hope it works for you.
~Tammy

Greetings theprinsess2003-
You probably won't like what I have to tell you.

What you did was heartless, selfish, rude and cruel.
If I were your YM, I would have done the same thing.

You were terrible to your man and now
you want to ask us why he has chosen to leave?
He was obviously very hurt by what you did
and rightly so.
He doesn't trust you and rightly so.
He doesn't know that you won't do it again...
and I bet you would.

He is better off not with you right now.
You need to figure out why you treated your man
like you did and fix it.
Were you drunk?
If so, quit drinking!

This man did nothing that merited
being treated that way - nothing!

Geeeesh, you have a lot of nerve there girl.
You need to take a long hard look at yourself.
You have a cold heart.

There are some things that we do to people
that just can't be undone,
and I think you have done it.

I am abrupt towards you because from reading your post,
I get the impression that you don't think it was
all that big a deal.
Well prinsess it was!

If anyone treated me that way and
stranded me like that with no money-
which was MY money-
they'd be kicked to the curb so fast their
head wouldn't even have time to spin!

You need to quit thinking about only you.
Very selfish - grow up!



<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/lilfairy.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">I don't want no one to squeeze me-
they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you
and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy
Give me one reason to stay here-
and I'll turn right back around
</FONT><FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Tracy Chapman</FONT>

PS, me and Will were just reading this post together talking.

I said to him, I don't give a rats *** if my 21 year old to be son dates an older woman, but if she EVER left him stranded in Vegas or any place else. She would have HELLL to pay.
Just thought you would like to know how relatives may feel.
~Tammy

I dont drink but he had been. I just got pissed because it is so hard to sit with 4 people and him not say a word for two hours, not say anything, thank you, not smile just like a zombie. You could tell they were starting to feel uncomfortable. Later my friend said the way he was acting she would have been upset if it was her boyfriend to.
I did take full blame for what I did. I also feel that there are things he could have done better to its not just all my fault. He should treat people like that either. We were there to have fun not sit with mean, cold faces. Actually I just was trying to say if your so unhappy than go back to the hotel. Of course he was defensive and than it just bounced back and forth. He denyed being quiet and acted like his attitude was normal.

When we went out on Friday I was just sitting there and he said that if thats how he looks when he just sits there no wonder I got upset.
I know it is all my fault I should have bit my tounge and talked about it later at the room, not just fly off, I was real tired and was just starting my period so i was even more on edge.

It does hurt when you say or do something to a love one that you regret and wish to take back. You want to change the pass but you can not do so.

You basically told him to get lost twice. You know he was quite and reserved, telling him he was a bore must have hurt. It is to me saying you do not like him as he is, change or get lost. So he did. You get into another fight, and told him to get lost, so he did. I agree with Marie that it was not very caring to make him leave with nothing on himself. Was some of the money you were holding on to his? If it was it was really, really rude. So I dont blame him at all for not communicating with you.

So he is hurt and confused, breaking some trust as well. So he needs his space. Just walking away from a 2 year loving relationship is difficult for anyone. So he is probably wants to show love, but is unsure if he wants to take it again. So I suspect that he needs time and wants to think about it.

I didnt strand him, I told him to come back in the morning (it was already 5am). I dont take back making him leave. He was obviously drinking, no not drunk off his *** but very buzzed. I dont drink and I felt danger so I was also trying to protect him. so he didn't do something he would regret.

We all say things we may regret later, and I am sure he somehow pushed you. If you felt afraid he would hit you, then something may be very wrong even from before. I have felt like you, afraid of being hit, only twice, and these were short meaningless relationships.
If I had felt like you, I would surely have kicked him out of my room and out of my life.

But you don't feel like you had the right perception now. The damage is done, and now you have to accept that he needs time. If you ever come together again, you need to set limits to what can and cannot be done during an argument, and stick to your words.

Maybe you have had a violent childhood and reacts too strongly to the slightest "impression" of an upcoming violent gesture, and then I think I understand you. We have so little we know about you and your common history.

Just for tonight, stop crying and trust the two years you have lived together. He probably knows you well enough to know if it was just a crazy night where you both went overboard, or if it's all due to a bad relationship.

Originally posted by theprinsess2003
I didnt strand him, I told him to come back in the morning (it was already 5am). I dont take back making him leave. He was obviously drinking, no not drunk off his *** but very buzzed. I dont drink and I felt danger so I was also trying to protect him. so he didn't do something he would regret.
You didn't feel no fricking danger, if you did you would have called 911.
You had his money, cell phone and room.
He was suppose to what? Walk the streets for a place to crash?
You got the full blame here.......
I bet the person who came to his rescue is not too happy with you.

I dont know everyone that really knows us says he should have at least tried to come back to the room. He even said he should have and when he got home wished he had.

I just get the feeling that this weekend he just wanted to go out and party.

He has done a lot to me to.
taken money, taken my car in the middle of the night drunk an smashed it, spent the rent money and more.

So when I am off the wall and weak I think he could be stong just like when he has done stuff to me I instantly trusted him again.

I dont think this one moment defines our whole relationship, I dont think this should make or break it. I do think it is a big deal but I also think he added a lot of drama to the situation.

I can't believe your fight. That was just way, way too big. I certainly understand your boyfriend not being able to come back into the relationship at this point. Perhaps after he has mended some and taken responsiblity as well for his part; he may be able to come back.

I would not come back. If my boyfriend ever did anything like that to me - no matter how angry he was, no matter what I had done - I would never come back.

Your boyfriend was being a pill for sure. There is no doubt; he was being rude and disrespectful to your friends and to you.

However yelling at him in front of everyone was extremely uncool. I would have asked him to step outside with me to chat. I would have covered my issues privately. Period.

I respect my guy and myself way too much to make such a scene.

I'd say you both need some cooling off time. Re-evaluate later. You both screwed up big time. Huge big time.

Cindy

I think you should read it again.
I never said I had his cell phone he forgot it at home when we left. It was his idea that I hold the money and it was both of our money and it was 5am I said come back in a few hours.

Wow . . .

Where to begin? First of all, your YM is quite young and how old were your friends? You stated he is not really extroverted anyway and you knew this. Did he want to meet up with your friends or did you insist? I'm not going to make excuses for him, because I think he did behave quite rudely. BUT . . . I don't care how rude he was, I can't believe you kicked him out of the room knowing he had no money and no place to go.

I would have just said "This conversation is over until we can both cool off and think about what we really want to say in a rational manner." And go to bed! And let him rant if that's what he wanted to do, ignore it.

I think at this point you might want to give it some space and time and let matters progress at a natural rate. Be available, but not too eager, and let him make the move. You have apologized and that's all you can do at this point. The ball is really in his court and you have no choice but to see if he is going to go for it or let it fly by.

If you two do get back together tho, I would be careful taking him into setting where he might be uncomfortable until he learns some manners. And he might want to always have some money if you are prone to rash decisions.

Maybe I gave the wrong impression. It was not a big to do. We were off in the corner talking and when I came back they were not even awear that anything happened. Their was about 9 people in the bar.

Princess, it seems clearer now that you have been having problems for a while now. Is it the first time he leaves home? Is it the first time you react to his wrong doings?

From what you tell us he has done in the past, you must be fed up with many things. I feel you still love him, though. Have you both tried counselling?

Sorry about the cell phone part and the you "holding THE money part"
But like I said before what a fricked up vacation, vacations are suppose to be fun.
This to me sounds like it is a TOXIC relationship.

I guess the thing is that he has been coming here Wen, Thursday, and Friday. He has said "I promise by this time next week we will be back to normal"
I am not going to let him toy with me either. He should have called me on Saturday like he said he was going to.
And know I did not force him to go and my friends are closer to his age. one is 27 and one is 28.

actually everyone that knows him is saying he acted like a big baby running home to mom. I dont think he was acting like a baby or anything but I do think he could have tried to come back or call. It just all escalated so fast.

Originally posted by theprinsess2003


actually everyone that knows him is saying he acted like a big baby running home to mom. I dont think he was acting like a baby or anything but I do think he could have tried to come back or call. It just all escalated so fast.
THANK GOD he has a MOM that loves him unconditionally and that would help him out in this situation!

I love him with all my heart. He has made some big big mistakes but I still think hes worth it.

I know men 30, 40 and up that screw up sometimes. I am not angry for anything he has done in fact it was even hard to rember.
and, isnt that what love is the word Forgivness? People always do things stupid, overeact, say wrong things, I did not strand him, he i would hope knows me better than that.

He said he is willing to go to get help when he gets back.

Originally posted by theprinsess2003
I love him with all my heart. He has made some big big mistakes but I still think hes worth it.

I know men 30, 40 and up that screw up sometimes. I am not angry for anything he has done in fact it was even hard to rember.
and, isnt that what love is the word Forgivness? People always do things stupid, overeact, say wrong things, I did not strand him, he i would hope knows me better than that.

He said he is willing to go to get help when he gets back.
I think counciling needs to be for both of you.

He left for a few days when he spent the rent money because he didn't want to tell me.

I have been there for him through thick and thin. I paid for his car and than he smashed it gave him my car, I treat him great all the time.

I paid for the trip, the airfair, hotel everything. He just brought his spending money. I share everything with him. I love him and he even says he know I am in love with him.

I just am suprised by his attitude last week and coming over and than not showing up at all the last two days.

I was thinking he may have went out on Saturday and didn't call and than felt bad so than he knew I was already kind of weeping about this so than he didn't want to face me, I was out on Saturday night and saw his car by a friends house around 6am. Its the party house so I bet he fell asleep over there.
Honesly I think he maybe be on a binge.

Maybe if you calm down and stop crying, you will be able to tell us more about the situation. You are probably too confused, too sad, too depressed to tell everything now.

Try to calm down. Sleep a bit if you can. Things will look better when you are not so nervous. :(

It was a shock for both of you and if he's still talking to you, it is probably because he did something he regrets too. Both acted wrong and both should seek help. A couple therapy. What do you think?

I didn't mean just for him, I mean help for both of us our relationship.

I love him and am sick over this.
I seem to not be able to eat, sleep think.
In fact in the morning I have two classed I am taking and am just going to cancel them. I cant concentrate at all. My house is a mess, I have never felt like this. Usually I am a survivor but this has made me weak sniffeling begger. And I am not ashamed to say I will beg if I have to.

I hope he calls me or comes over soon.

He has some stuff going on that you don't need to be dealing with. He drinks too much, he is fairly irresponsible and he spends too much of your money.

Come to think of it, maybe I would have thrown him out.

Thanks for letting us know you did take the argument to a separate area.

I don't think he sounds terribly mature. I don't like the way he treats you.

He pouted and was rude to your friends and you. He wouldn't stop fighting once you returned to the hotel room.

You did probably goof by throwing him out but sheesh, it would have been tempting.

He is punishing you now so that you will be completely numb to his faults and his blatant using of you. You have bailed him out several times that you have mentioned and I would suspect there are more times.

I'd say enjoy the time he is gone and take stock of what type of relationship you have. How balanced is it really? How much of the giving do you really do? How much do you really get back? Is it truly give and take?

Are you settling for a numbskull?

I hope you feel better.

Cindy

I am just so broken hearted. I know he has done a lot for me.
I have been rude to him a lot and snappy.

He not a bad guy and I beleive in him.
I also think that How can you not suffer long with people. How can we not forgive and move on when most of the time is good.

I love him no matter what even when I m still angry I sitll love him. It dosen't depend on my feelings it is constant.

He is most of the time great its just he is very spoiled by his family. He told me he does not ever remeber one fight or disagreement or conflict between his parents. It just never happened. So I think he dosent know how to deal with conflict so he runs away.

I am so tired and have been up since 8am Saturday morning. I try to sleep but I think of him

I do feel he is trying to punish me or control things or something weird.

I mean Friday at 5am he huged me said I love you I want to be with you I promise I will call you around noon and will go out tonight. He promise everything would be back to normal by Tuesday or wendsday and now he hasn't called me in two days. I think he is sending some message, I am so confused and upset I feel terriable. I never react this way. I think it's just because I cant beleive you could love someone so much one minute and than the next minute because of one big mistake just kick them to the curb. No one is perfect with out flaw. You have to overlook sometimes. Like I need to accept his quietness. I need to love him for who he is and try not to change him. That is what I nees to do and he also needs to accept some of my weakess.

I just miss him so much the impact is like he suddenly died. I feel like I am in mourning. it is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

sometimes there is a dynamic between an older woman and younger man by your own words you are a survivor and this young man is getting you humble..... quick.

he must love you he says so, but love is trust, and you may need to gain his, can you do that and put down your survivor ego?? its not helping you right now and very nearly messed this up. bottom line we are wemon in love with men, who may be younger but very much men, and needed to be treated with respect.

my relationship is not a fling, i am not in it for the good times only, i am in it because i love a man who happens to be 20 years younger than me that i would walk on coals for, my Adam is more man than i have ever met, even men i like pale to him.

dont be so hard on yourself, if it is meant to be you both will find a way, and it took guts to be honest and say what you did, learn from your mistake and go on.... there are no saints on this board and we are for the most part in unchartered waters we are setting presidence in some fashion for people who seek support for relationships such as ours.

take care and God bless......kitty

It so hard to work out what happened that night from what you've written. Is he shy and therefore you were very mean? Or was he behaving like passive-aggressive brat because he wasn't doing what HE wanted to do that night?

Was it a one off fight, or did he bait you into frustration in order to have an excuse to breakup with you?

Its hard to tell. You must be feeling very confused....if he comes back, at least you can rule out the last option.

Good luck prinsess..

Originally posted by theprinsess2003




He has done a lot to me to.
taken money, taken my car in the middle of the night drunk an smashed it, spent the rent money and more.
.
I dont think this one moment defines our whole relationship, I dont think this should make or break it. I do think it is a big deal but I also think he added a lot of drama to the situation.


Sorry if this is offensive....but your whole relationship sounds like drama. An unhealthy drama. I have to ask you....have you not learned anything by now?? You're 39. Part of us getting older is hopefully we've learned some things down the line. This relationship has NOTHING to do with love. What you described you doing and what you said he has done IS NOT LOVING SOMEONE. You two need to be apart....and you should look into some therapy. Figure out why you are living this way.

i just dont know what to do. I wish I could talk to him.

He is extreamly quiet but he always says he wants to change. He always says he wants to be different and likes when I push him a little.

I just thought the stuff he said was true.

I do treat him like a man in fact he has said he is glad I call h im higher and expect him to do things. I dont cut him slack because he is younger and I dont mother him.

I am really taking this very very hard. More hard than I could have imagined.

I guess if He dosen't come over or call soon I think I will leave a note on his car at work just saying please come home I miss you.

we have been through to much together to end this now.

In fact some of the hardest times I have had with people become my best friends. Iron sharpens Iron. I think we could come out of this stronger than ever. I also think we need to get help so we can change some of our dynmics that are pulling us down.

I know for sure I love him and he is the one for me, I miss him and would do anything for him. We have reasons both of us to not trust eachother. In fact I think there are reasons to not trust anyone. I would do anything, change anything I love him with all my heart soul and strength and my love for him is high deep and wide. He is my best friend and I value him. I just cant figure him out right now.

THANK ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR GOOD COMMENTS AND ADVISE. I APPRECIATE IT VERY MUCH.

This is a extreamly hard situation. I dont drink, smoke, do drugs but in the last day I have been so depressed I have considered trying any or all three to ease the pain. I know that would be foolish so I wont but the thoughts have crossed my mind.

We had a apartment together, a life together and it just instantly feel apart. It bugs me to that it seems so easy for him to replace me with what ever it is he is doing.

I am at my breaking point and think I may try to get to see my doctor tommorow to get some something, I dont even know what.

I think I'm going to have to move out of my apartment, their are to many memories of him here. And I cant stand being so close to his job and parents house. I will, if he dosen't come back have to start a new life someplace far away from him and here. I just can't take it.

I agree on the therepy issue.
It just seems everyone I know from Collage proffesors wifes well in to their 40 to young people, everyone has some drama in their life. to some degree.

What we did did not seem like love in the heat of the moment but like I said we most of the time get along. When it is good its great but when its bad it can be bad.

I am not going to give up so easy on a 90 percent good relationship. Yes we have some struggles but I feel like everyone I know does.

Their is know perfect relationship, it takes work and longsuffering. I guess I dont here that in a lot of the comments. It sounds has if most people seem if your perfect and great all the time than I will care and love you. not willing to grow with a person. Yes Jon can be immature at times but so can 40 or 50 year old men. I guess I thought he was different because he had a great heart and wanted to change.

I dont know he obviously had other things that maybe he was stuffing and this was the last straw or his breaking point. He does tend to stuff things and seem to go along when hes not happy. So maybe this was a explosion of stuffing stuff down for a long time.

Its hard because my kids miss him and dont understand whats going on.

I can see you are really hurting now and it really is a loss for you. I think Maria was right that you need to try and relax for now and get some sleep. Sometimes in life, we make mistakes that we can't undo. We can only take it from where we are now. I would say to make sure you apologize to him and tell him how much you miss him. I know for me, if I've done all I can, I feel better. That's all you can expect from yourself at this point. If he takes you back, then I would suggest you do your best to make sure things don't get so hurtful again. Good luck and I hope you find comfort.

It is possible that he is feeling a lot of pressure from his family right now. They are probably extremely angry, and that may mean that they may never forgive you. They are probably pressuring him very strongly to end your relationship. This could be the reason for his changing his mind about calling/seeing you on Friday.

Sorry, just stating the obvious, I guess.

Good luck to you. I hope you hear from him really soon.

Wow....I'll never be the first to jump in with advice....but it sounds like you two pretty much treat each other like crap, with promised words of love and adoration and "being a drug" ....Just say "No" that phrase is out there for a reason *L*

I'd say, back off, cool off....and give you both time and space.

And on the side of being a mom...if anyone ever kicked my child out (I don't care how old they are) far away, with no money , no room no anything, I'd personally kick his **** :rolleyes:

You know what Princess? You gotta get over this stuff right now. Call your doctor, get in to see him/her immediately. Get the help you need so that you can pull it together now.

If you are supporting children and live in an apartment and this guy goes out and gets drunk and takes the rent money leaving your children and you in jeopardy then you need to quit this stuff.

Look at this picture. Look at what your relationship is likely doing to your family life. You don't need this.

But most of all, you see the doctor; perhaps your physician will recommend a good therapist.

Do this for you and the kids.

Cindy

Im a little late getting in here, so don't know how much help I can be, but here goes...

First of all, take a big breath and calm down. Just because he didn't call when he said he would does not mean the entire thing is over. It just means he did not call....*hugs*

You had what sounds like a HUGE fight. Under normal circumstances he probably would have contacted you, but these are not normal circumstances.

Im sure you BOTH said and did things you didn't mean. The problems you had on your trip can't just be forgotten this quickly...

Give him some space, give him some time to think. Do the same yourself. It probably would not be the best time to get together and discuss this situation...while your emotions are running high. Step back, calm down, and gain some perspective on what
happened and why it happened, and when he feels ready to work it through, he will contact you. As you said, he says he loves you and wants to marry you. I don't think he will just disappear.

I feel for you. I have made mistakes in the past that were hard to forgive....I know how I felt. Im sorry this happened. It does sounds like maybe some counseling might be helpful for both of you.

Its sad to think that because this ym was not the life of the party at the bar, you let the comments of your friends influence your behaviour, you felt it your mission to inflict pain and hurt, because he was not acting in accordance to whatever standards people at a bar have (which to me isn't much).
His only crime it seems was not saying, please and thank you. And you're still justifying what he didn't do as an excuse for raking him over the coals. What's wrong with this picture?
And the dork still thinks he's in love with you and wants to marry you, I hope he realizes that marriage is not the answer to behavioural changes within himself or others. And you both certainly shouldn't even be considering marriage at all, hopefully he'll wake up on that one.
Maybe he does want you to make him a better person, but I'm sure he's not banking on having a mother to take him to task for his normal human weaknesses, character traits that you knew this ym had for the past 2 years.
I agree w/pinkcat, his family is proably doing a number on him. I would too if it were my son, there is no excuse for what you did, and all you can do right now is apologize but stop with the "what about what he did" commentaries, that's over and done with...that's childish, what happen before is not the issue here, what the issue here is Vegas (he got escorted out for goodness sake, you push enought buttons that he look like he wanted to hit you, that should've been your clue to shut up and go to bed...but no, that was you abusing your power as the ow who paid for everything). his family is not going to forget it and they are not going to let him forget it either.
You both have to decide what kind of relationship you both want and strive to maintain that kind of relationship, and when things get alittle heated, learn to call a timeout (a word or phrase) until you're both calm enough to sit down and talk about it.
Paris

Well
thanks for the great advise and help.

He came home Monday morning. He said he just needed a few more days to think about it.

He said sunday morning he told his parents that he loved me and he was definately going to try and win me back.

When he came back he said he realized that he had been stuffing some other things I had said to him that week and thats why he over reacted. He also said that when at the bar he was acting very ****ty to eveyone. He said that when he left the bar he felt so stupid that he left and he felt like I was so mad at him that he left that he didn't want to face me.

Than he said that he kind of wanted to fight with me. He could not really explain why but said he had an attitude towards me and wanted to fight so he provoked me.

I should explain that He was the one wanting to go to Vegas, I would have preferred disney. I didn't make him go someplace where he was going to be overwhelmed. I paid for the trip and room but he brought most of the spending money (of course I brought some of my own as well) so we both put up about the same amount of money. I wasn't trying to overpower him cause I paid.

I disagree with someone saying that because he's younger I have more of the responsability, I do not cut him any slack just has I do not want him to cut me any slack other than the normal slack you would cut someone.

Interesting enough he said he slanted the story to his parents and made it sound like it was all my fault. He said that he could care less if his parents were mad or anything.

He even went has far has saying he really exaggerated about getting stranded. He knew that he was asked to leave the room to cool off. So he said he is going to clearly explain the details to his parents. He also said he was very drunk and the minute he got on the plane he realized that he made a big mistake. He said he stood away for a while because he thought I was gong to be mad and couldn't face what he did leaving the bar and than going home. He said he knew that he could have come back to the room.

He said he appreciated my attitude about the situation.

I was shocked at one point when he said that after thinking about it he realized it was actually all his fault. I'm like ok, so one minute you blame me for everything and than all of a sudden you blamed yourself.

So, now hes back we got his clothes and stuff from his parents he moved back in. He said he was happy that I suggested we go to get some help.

I know he has a drinking problem and so does he. I just fell like it is a disease and if he had any other disease I would stick with him. He is willing to get help with it and admits it. So, I am hopefull, in fact I would rather deal with a person that has a drinking problem and knows it than someone who dosen't drink but has other problems they won't admit.

He said he felt like maybe it was ment to happen becasue he grew in so many way from this situation. He says this has made him feel closer to me than ever.

I am concerned about his parents but he assures me that they have nothing to say about it or influence on him. He says he went on for 45 minutes on Sunday telling him how great I was and how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. He said he even told them he wanted to marry me and stuff. I have hard feeling towards them because they were very rude to me. So we will see what happens.

I think we both learned lot about eachother through this ans it will make us a better in someways.

Hey, thank you so much for posting the update! I was worried about you.

I'm glad he agreed to get help for his drinking. I'm also glad he came back home and that you two made up.

Good luck to ya, and stick around here!!

Why thank you Cat.

I don't think I will be sticking around here.

I think a few of you had encouraging comments but a lot of the comments were rude.

I thought it was funny how many comments of mine were misrepresented.

The interpitation that he was kicked out by the police, I took his money, I made him go to Vegas when he was such a quiet boy, I should have called 911 instead of asking him to leave....hmmm let see, I blamed shifted to him, I was on a power trip because I paid for everything, it is pure comedy and also leads me to think that the people on here dont bother to read things close enough and do what they themself accused me of doing be rude themself and making fast harsh desisions.

I hate to say it some of these people maybe doing more harm than good I wonder what they would feel if they caused someone by their snotty, bratty comments to do something bad to themself.

I have a book selection "rules for the I think I am a armchair psychologist (but know one else does)".

Good luck, thanks to the helpfull ones I dont feel I need to mention names I think you know who you are and so does everyone else.
by.

I also am turned off by those willing to jump in a say what they would do and wouldn't do in that situation. I have learned that the truth is none of us know for sure. I have said that to people myself "Leave that ***....If I were you.....I would..." and the like.
the truth is we dont really know until we are there.

I dont think its wrong to post a opposite attitude or idea but i'm not sure why it has to be done in such a disrespectfull way.

I am glad everything fell back into place, prinsess, and I wish you all the happiness.

I think one thing that might explain some misunderstandings is that you were so sad and desperate that day, that the details of the fight, the evening, were very confusing. It took you some posts to make things look clear for us.

I knew that you were deeply distressed and that's what I felt since the beginning. I am sorry if you felt hurt by some posts, but the most important thing now is that you are okay and he's okay, and you have a life to live together and that you are going to get help.

The rest now is history, I hope! :)

I guess I am one of the "rude ones".
I posted only after reading your first post
and will not retract my opinions.

Yes, I did keep reading and noticed
more details of your Vegas trip were being tabled
and I felt bad that you were suffering so much
by him not coming home.
I have been where you are, (and were),
and this might be why I don't candy-coat my thoughts.

prinsess-
you read your first post and try to place
yourself as a person not knowing the "real" situation.
I would imagine your advice would sting a bit too.

I am sorry you didn't get the support you wanted
when you first started your thread-
but when a person posts a situation,
no, we do not get the full picture and since we
were not there in that hotel room with you and your YM,
we can only gauge the situation by what you
have written.
The more you posted,
the more we were able to see all that had
taken place and was taking place at the moment.

What we think and feel shouldn't matter all that much.
We are strangers to you.
Yes, we can help enlighten you in certain situations,
but you can't count on a public forum on the net
to be a safe haven to shelter you from the truths and
reality you don't want to hear, (read).
We can support you and we can admonish you.
The important thing is that you be in touch with the
reality of your situation at all times
and only count on forums such as Ageless to
help you along with the steps you have already taken
in any given situation.

I may come off as hard and mean-
but I'm not.
I do feel that you and your YM have
set a pattern for yourselves that is not very productive.
You need to adjust behaviors-
but then you know that, don't you?
Yes, you love each other,
and where better of a place to start making
the necessary changes for your future happiness,
then there?

You are always welcome here at Ageless
and who knows-
maybe your insight and advice will enlighten others?





<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/lilfairy.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">I don't want no one to squeeze me-
they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you
and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy
Give me one reason to stay here-
and I'll turn right back around
</FONT><FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Tracy Chapman</FONT>

Well, Sally and Sage, I have to agree with her that some of the posts sounded rude. and even judgmental. That is explained by the fact that some people only read the words, but didn't feel her distress.

Sometimes you have to give suffering people time for them to express themselves before judging. I noticed that some of us didn't allow her that time.

She repeatedly said she was desperate, crying, not able to sleep, and it's easy to imagine how the mind of someone in this situation can be completely confused.

I think we all can use this lesson to be a bit more patient and ask more questions to make sure we understood what the person meant, at least when it's clear that the poster is not in their normal status , as it was the case.

Take this from someone who is very much used to dealing with pain in real life and who is used to asking questions until everything is fully explained. In real life it's hard, online it's harder.

You take the good, you take the bad,
you take them both and there you have
The facts of life, the facts of life.

There’s a time you got to go and show
You’re growin’ now you know about the facts of life,
The facts of life.

When the world never seems to be livin up to your dreams
And suddenly you’re finding out
The facts of life are all about you, you.

It takes a lot to get ‘em right
When you’re learning the facts of life. (learning the facts of life)
Learning the facts of life (learning the facts of life)
Learning the facts of life.

**********

My point?

While sounding corny, it applies to advice. No one was rude to you. When you ask for advice...you're going to get positive advice and negative advice. And really, that is sheerly perception...

And positive/negative really, is more or less meaning something to the effect of constructive criticsm. You'll get positive feedback and negative feedback...

And the negative feedback isn't meant to be rude...

It's meant to help you...weigh both sides of the argument and see both sides of the fence.

Maybe you are right, maybe she's like me and a bit sensitive to the way people say things.

Maybe the lesson was also for me, since I felt like her.

Maybe prinsess and I should just look beyond the words and pay more attention to intentions.

We are always learning anyway! :)

Originally posted by theprinsess2003
I am concerned about his parents but he assures me that they have nothing to say about it or influence on him. He says he went on for 45 minutes on Sunday telling him how great I was and how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. He said he even told them he wanted to marry me and stuff. I have hard feeling towards them because they were very rude to me. So we will see what happens.

Forgiveness is a wonderful virtue and everyone should strive toward that. His parents were rude to you? Would you have reacted differently if it had been one of your children and they had told you what he told his parents? Have you ever been a bear with her cub? If you are planning a long and healthy relationship with this young man, it would not be wise to alienate his parents.

Originally posted by theprinsess2003
I don't think I will be sticking around here.

I think a few of you had encouraging comments but a lot of the comments were rude.

. . .

I hate to say it some of these people maybe doing more harm than good I wonder what they would feel if they caused someone by their snotty, bratty comments to do something bad to themself.

. . .

I also am turned off by those willing to jump in a say what they would do and wouldn't do in that situation. I have learned that the truth is none of us know for sure. I have said that to people myself "Leave that ***....If I were you.....I would..." and the like.
the truth is we dont really know until we are there.

I dont think its wrong to post a opposite attitude or idea but i'm not sure why it has to be done in such a disrespectfull way.


I find it very ironic that you came to this site asking for our advice and then call us rude when we give it to you. We can only address the facts that you give us and if you go back and read your initial post, it does not put you in a very good light.

The people on this board are intelligent and insightful and issue forth a great deal of support and good advice. And we are diverse enough to be able to give several facets of advice on the same subject. Some of it you will like and some of it you won't. But when anyone asks for advice here, they are more than likely to get both kinds. Then it is up to the person to choose which advice they like and can live with. But for you to come here and ask for advice and then call us rude, puts you in the "rude" category yourself.

I do hope you and your young man have learned and grown from your recent conflict and that you both seek the help and guidance that you feel will carry you to a clearer understanding of each other.

Well, Sally and Sage, I have to agree with her that some of the posts sounded rude. and even judgmental. That is explained by the fact that some people only read the words, but didn't feel her distress.

Maria, I think your post was well thought out and what you said is very, very true about people being in distress.

You know nobody here is perfect. Nobody here hasn't made mistakes. Nobody here hasn't sinned, judged or been judged. If they hadn't they wouldn't be in this forum, I don't think.

People come here when they feel in over their heads. I know I did. I was and am a 50 yr old woman in love with a very young man. Have I spilled my guts all over this place, no, I haven't. But I certainly felt the need to be surrounded by others who might be traveling the same journey as me.

We aren't all the same, thank goodness, and some just come here when they feel they have no place to go. I'd like to think whether we are a "public forum" or not, that we take a minute and try to respond to many of these initial posters with a bit more compassion.

If they keep coming back and don't fix the problem, then we kick them in the butt, lol.

I know Bub, that's why I posted after Dan that maybe it's just the way we (prinsess, myself, who knows who else) felt things, and forgot to see beyond words, and to go more into the true intentions behind them.

Knowing the members here, I know that those who take the time to post are really here to help.

It's probably just the way some of us "feel" the words that is overly sensitive sometimes.

I don't think posting negative thoughts, or opposing thoughts is wrong but why in such condesending ways.

I think some did pose some good questions things I didn't think of, or agree with. But doing in a mud slinging way, rude, finger pointing with out reading the post clearly is I don't know not what I expected.

Ya all should be thanking the good lord people like Marilux are on your board. She is able to give wise words with out judging while sticking to her values of what is right and wrong. I think who ever made her a moderator was right on the money.

Yap it was a sucky ****y situation. We both sucked. Maybe my pms, maybe pressure of our first vaction together, maybe old hurts, pride on both parts, anger .....


I dont think Jon is a whimp or dork for loving me or thinking he loves me, I dont think he wants to be with me to solve his problems or make him a better person. It would be much more fun and easy for him to stay at home, save all his money, his parents will pay for his car, gas, insurance, cell phone and bill he wont have to spend any of his money, hell in 6 months he could save $15-20 thousand. He could sleep all he wants just work, eat, sleep, party do what ever he wants be free.
Hes not a dork for choosing to step up to the plate and deal with his bussiness. I think he is showing himself to be real man.

I love him and will weather the storms with him.

I wasn't hurt by any of the post I guess I felt bad thinking what if this was my only form of support, or my only people I could talk to. God again thanks for the mariluxs out there who really seem to have a genuine concern for caring about people and really helping them. God bless you guys.

To the others and if you feel its you it may be, I would go and read all of mariluxs post, try and imitate her, walk behind her like a begger waiting for a crumb from her plate to fall so you can learn how to help people. Become her disciple if you are interested in doing any good, if not than just shut up, and don't spout out your opinion keep it to yourself or say it at least with some respect.

That is the biggest thing the rude stuff was simply rude because of the way in which it was communicated not what was really said. It was the tone, attitude, I am so rightous attitud that stunk up the place. Oh well good luck, have fun

All of you who were disrespectful Thanks for trying to help in you own weird way and thanks for you compassion, kindness and gentalness it will get you far in life.

Now hold the phone..

You talk about how people were rude to you....and the like? But, I found what you said to be EXTREMELY condescending to our posters. Many posters have been here for quite some time. Some have been here for months...and they ALL show a very compassionate side...

I should know...I have experienced that compassion and advice first hand...and it helped my aching heart and hurting soul...

Maria is a wonderful part of this forum, I do agree...you will not recieve any arguments from me, as I find her as one of my best friends in my life...even if she is across the waters...

However, many people who you have "fingered" as being rude, are also my best friends as well...and have helped me. To say they need to learn from Maria...is quite flawwed and un'needed and is quite condescending towards those posters...

Please, do not throw thier names or replies/feelings/ideas in the mud...just because it went against what you were seeking...

It seemed you had your mind set to one solution, to one idea this whole thread. And just because they went against what you thought, in THIER OWN STYLE....does not mean they have "alot to learn"...

It means all minds should be open...all eyes should be wide...all hearts should be accepting..to every type of advice given. Every style of advice given...

Please, do not throw my friends' names in the mud. Doing so, in a condescending way...really, will not accomplish anything...

Thank you...

~Dan

I guess I didn't use any names, and if they didn't do anything wrong and are so mature than why dont they step up. They had a right to say what they wanted and so do I.

They gave their opinion and so did I.

You dont agree with my ways, I dont agree with their ways so I guess we both agree on something. We all suck equally has bad.

I did not mention anyone if they fell it applies to them than it may.

Your right we all have our own style so I guess mine is just like the naysayers so we do all have something in common.

I'm so sorry to hear about what you have been through recently with your ym. That distancing stuff hurts more than anyone can know...until it happens to them.

Sometimes it does seem like people on the board are "negative and condescending"....but-ya-know....I think sometimes they just write as a gut reaction to the matter at hand. When you're hurting, that kind of response does feels horrible, I know. But, don't be discouraged...try to see everyone as innocent, including yourself at the time of the argument. Glean what wisdom you can, and leave the rest. In the long run, most of us don't say or do things to intentionally hurt another person; we are just doing the best we can in life given what we are dealt or the information we have. And, at sometime we all have wished we could take back something we've let out of our mouths in anger or frustration. You've learned a lot about yourself through all of this, and can move on now from here wiser. That's a positive thing !:D

I truly wish you the best. I read a great qoute the other day that I now have on my frig and in my car, "It's the weak who are cruel. Kindness and gentleness can only come from the strong." (Leo Raulston). Purpose to be gentle and kind to others in your life, that is the best salve when you are hurting.

Huge Hugs to you, Princess,
Karen

I can understand what you are saying. I often have the exact same response when I post for support. When I disagree with the advice given, I usually feel its because the advice is delivered either harshly or because it doesn't really match with my situation.

I don't think its ever possible to give a complete picture of both partners, properly reflect the entire dynamics of the relationship, or all of the details of the crisis in an online setting. Because of this, especially when we are the most upset as posters, the original poster has to realize that all of the answers will not be relevant and helpful, while at the same time, assuming that everyone is attempting to be helpful regardless of whether or not they actually were. Conversely, respondents need to appreciate that anyone posting is a multi-faceted person in a real life situation that is larger than anything that could ever hope to be posted here.

I am sorry if my post was harsh and unhelpful. I do think that someone dating a very young person has an extra level of responsibility although I do agree with you that this does not automatically translate into "cutting them extra slack". For me it translates into an extra measure of care and concern for emotional and physical well-being. I know my much younger and, more importantly very young, partner needs the extra safety net simply by virtue of living for a much shorter time.

ok, we can cloud up the major issues here by who said what to whom........... gosh, for me this board is such a blessing to possibly help another person or at least tell you there is a better way, the first and most important step is wanting help.

you cannot do this for this man............ hear me on this, it has very little to do with you if he should decide to get sober, he may do it as the guise of getting sober to patch things up for you but as the layers of the onion get pealed back, it is about him.

it does not however leave us off the hook for our own dishonest or inconsiderate behaviors.

you may both want very much to deal with eachother and get back to your life, but there is a gorilla sleeping with your boyfriend and you can cover it up now and get him back, which is important, i dont mean to make little of your feelings, but there are bigger issues at hand. I am so sorry your feelings were hurt but good can come from this.

If he is serious there is help, he can call the directory get the number for A.A. and give it a try, there is a great book that you possibly can get also, there is a chapter that you can probably relate to that my be an eye opener. the book is simply called "the big book" (chapter 8 "to the wives")

sometimes when the crap hits the fan, it is the ONLY way to initiate change, so this may be a blessing to start change, these incidents may happen again and again, but the good news is they dont have too, take care and God bless, kitty

Well I just read this thread and I have to agree about the harshness, I honestly don't care how long someone has been on this board, except perhaps to think that they should know better.

If they are happy to dish out direct advice they should accept direct criticism of that advice. What goes around comes around.

It's perfectly possible to be direct and say things others may not like to hear without being so judgemental, and in fact most of the people here did just that, some others however did not :(

And yeah we could all learn from Maria.

I can however see why some people reacted badly to the first post here - it didn't make nice reading at all.

Still the rest of the story did make things clearer and 'm glad to hear that things are going better. I also agree with Nessa - don't blame his parents for being mad - that's just them doing their job! It's for him to sort it out with them, he caused the mess afterall. The best thing for you to do is show them that you are not the way he painted you by being as calm and reasonable as possible. Trust me - staying on good terms with an SO's parents makes for a much easier relationship.

Originally posted by theprinsess2003
hello
I guess I have a cry me a river story to talk about today.

Last week me and my boyfriend of 2 years hes 22 i am 39 went to Vegas on vacation. We met some friends there and went out to a club. My boyfriend is really quiet and does not like loud bars. I was holding the money because he felt that he didn't want to get pick pocketed. So, after about two hours I started getting upset with him. My friends bought him drinks and he didn't say thank you or reciprocate. He didn't want to dance or talk or anything. This is not really that abnormal for him but he was way extra quiet. I got real rude to him and yelled at him, saying he was a big bore. And I was sick of it. I basically told him to leave if he didn't change his attitude. So, he left and went back to the hotel. when I came back he was there and we got into it more and it ended with me kicking him out of the room. The room was registered to me and not him so the security told him if I wanted him to leave he would have to. He also had no money, clothes or cell phone. So he left. He didnt come back all the next day. I called the police, hospitals, jails and everything. I made a police report. The next day I figure it was time to call his family to tell them the bad news. when I called them I had a real sore throat so I could barly talk on their answering maching. So i had my friend call she said half way throught the message they picked up and said he was home and than hung up on her.
I was very relieved and whe I came home two days later when immediately to his job to tak to him. He said he was very angry, I apologized and begged him to come back home. We live together. He told me he changed his address and bank and took all his stuff out of the apartment the day before. He hugged and kissed me and said that he needed time to think about it. The next day he met me at this bar by our house. H e again said he loved me and wanted to marry me, that I was like a drug he couldn't say no to , I was like a magnet that pulls him in and he promised he would come home that he just need some space. the next say friday he came over after work we stood out to 5am He said he promised he would be back in a few days. He said he would call me around noon and come over and spend the night with me. Saturday he never called, and today I havent heard from him. I have no way of contacting him. I dont understand. Why would he lead me on like this after 2 years. I dont understand. I have been crying all day. If anyone has a gut feeling, vibe something advise. I am suffering so badly and just dont know what to do. I am broken hearted, I thougt he loved me and would be with me forever.
I base my initial responses on the first few post provided, and I stick by them.
Harsh as they may be, NO living person needs to be kicked to the curb on vacation.
After reading all your posts princesss I see this has been an ongoing thing...Didn't know that when I first responded.
Sorry I can't be Maria and see into someones soul:rolleyes:
I felt real sorry for your YM, now I feel sorry for you both.
Only you two can work it all out.
~T