My friends are disappearing

I have been with my ym for over 2 years. I'm 46, he's 22. I met him thru his mother, we were good friends. Everyone thought it was a fling, including my friends. But as tune goers on and we've been more solid the past year, my friends are dropping like flies.

The relationship hasn't been easy, to say the least. It's so hard dealing with someone so young, but so fun, too. I can't imagine life without sleeping with him, coming home to him... the romantic fun times we have. I was married for 20 yrs and the best thing that ever happened is I felt alive again. His idea of fun is drawing a bath with bubbles and oils and music... or driving 100 miles and spending the night in a hotel and drinking in the hottub and oh geez, the great sex just hasn't stopped... I feel alive again... I never have felt like this, I was married to someone I couldn't stand to touch me and it took 15 out of the 20 yrs to get away from him.

But we've had hard times, too. He got really jellous over a guy at work that started coming over... long story, I hired him to do some work to my house and we became friends. My ym got so jellous and thru a fit about this guy that I finally broke off any friendship w/him. My ym was right, he was trying to put the make on me, and constantly asking me why I felt I had to settle for someone so young, that he was just going to hurt me. But I never told my ym this, I just said we were friends... and stayed friends, nothing more with this guy. But it got so bad that I finally told him it was best we just saw each other at work.

I know that was wierd, cuz this was a guy, but we were still friends, and I actually valued that. But it's over, it just wasn't worth the hassle with my ym.

Next, I had a great girlfriend here... I met here when I first moved here after my divorce and we hung out a lot, confided in each other. Long long story, but she really went thru all the ups and do0wns with me and my ym. One day a few months ago she called me after we'd been out to dinner and acted like a jerk. I had been telling her how I couldn't stand a friend of my ym. That he was a little inmate, that he always used me, my stuff, etc.

Well, I didn't finish and the above posted.

Anyway my friend called me afterwards and was real nasty, like I'd never seen her before. She said she didn't want any of my ym's friends over, that if it "meant our friendship, then so be it." I got really upset, and told her how can you hold that guy against me, it's not how my ym is, I was just venting about one of his friends!

That was my first hint, two weeks ago my ym called her looking for me... I was home, had the phone turned down. She called me, and in the most nasty voice said she didn't want my ym calling her. I can't go into all the instances she has pulled. The bottom line is our friendship was fine unless I talked about him! She just couldn't deal w/ him. She felt I was too old for him, said it was getting ridiculas, was fine for a fling, but it was out of hand now... esp as we just got to be more of a couple... and even stronger, getting thru his mother, his friends, my friends not approving... once my friend actually said, "geez, I'm the one who's married and you're the one having all the great sex." So maybe she was actually jellous?

I don't know. But I'm so sick of her condescending remarks about my ym that I feel she was just never a friend, that it was all about her being my friend as long as I was living my life the way she approved.

I hung up on her two weeks ago. I knew what was coming, she wanted to go on her upity ego trip, basically telling me how much better she is than me because of my relationship. I guess it was my mistake telling her before, all my doubts, all my fears about my ym. We've been thru so much and I confided in her, I KNOW she wanted to see him out of my life. But he's here, and now I've lost her...

I feel like I can't have any friends my age because they don't respect me for going with a guy half my age... he's so hot, sexy and fun... and I'm beginning not to care, but I'm incredibily sad at the same time. I'd rather have him that any of the other people I've met out here. Maybe I'm just in denial. I know this relationship isn't going to last forever, and I'm really afraid I'll be all alone when it does end. It seems like he is my whole life, and I guess I don't care at this point. Nobody calls anymore. I met all my girlfriends thru this girl and they don't return my calls. I've given up. And I end up hanging out with a bunch of 20 year olds instead!!!

Originally posted by Suzeq

I don't know. But I'm so sick of her condescending remarks about my ym that I feel she was just never a friend, that it was all about her being my friend as long as I was living my life the way she approved.

It seems like he is my whole life, and I guess I don't care at this point. Nobody calls anymore. I met all my girlfriends thru this girl and they don't return my calls. I've given up. And I end up hanging out with a bunch of 20 year olds instead!!!

I think you answer your own question about your so called "friend". It sounds like you need to make room and time for yourself. Go out and make some new contacts and friends without your YM. Also if the 20 something crowd likes you and excepts you the way you are, then join them.

Hi Suseq,

Thanks for posting this message; I've had similar problems too, although the age gap betwen my bf and I is only 10 years.

Frankly I think its because other people don't take our relationship as seriously as we take it. When people respect and support a relationship between two people, they don't hit onto one of the partners or try to set your partner with someone else, they don't give negative feedback, and they tend to invite you places as a couple, and treat you like a couple. But with us the opposite was happening.

Man it hurt! Plus its confusing. I basically did something similar to your BF when one of my bf's female friends routinely asked him out drinking with her and her girlfriends without ever inviting me along too. I felt that she was being at best very rude, and at worse trying to hit onto him. Shes no longer in our lives.

Anyway, without drivelling on too much, i just want you to know that I feel for you, and understand the difficulties this lack of respect from other people can produce. I guess ever pioneer meets resistance and you've got to be strong.
All the best!!

SuzeQ, I had the same problem when I dated my ex, three of my best friends just left me. They first tried to give me advice, then tried to make me feel ridiculous, and finally insulted me.

I don't really miss them, because I feel that friends shouldn't judge. If your friends start to judge you, then your life becomes Hell, it's better to be alone. I've made new friends since, and friends who know exactly what I went through, so they've been selected naturally when they heard my story. If they agreed with them, they'd never have become part of my life.

And anyway, what do I care if my best friend is dating that or that person? I care if she's unhappy, but if she can't get out of the relationship, then I will listen to her and support her. If she's whining too much without doing anything, I'll try to help and then tell her, well, you can't or don't want to do anything about it now, so let's give some time. I am patient to listen, but I think people should also understand that friendship is other things too, it's a whole relationship, for good and for bad. There must be some good in it, too.

Make new friends, people who share with you this idea that love knows no limits, as far as the two of you are happy.

I've always been selective with my friends, the ones I have now, we've been friends for over 20 years. one is married to an om (she jokes about the fact that I'm into these, what she calls "Menudo" boys...lol), another was married to a ym to give him citizenship (i flip out on that one but not because he was young)...and still another although not into ym, and knows that i don't purposely go out of my way to hook up with ym, sees the trend as I do, om have been doing it for centuries, its the women's turn.

My family knows me well enought to trust my judgement. They've encourage me to date these ym depite their ages but to be cautious, and to take risk when it seems durable. They know I would not compromise my standards just to have a ym on my arm, and they know that i would not lose my head over anyone just like that. I do ask their opinions on certain guys, basically because I know that once my emotions are involve, I'm not very objective. For me, I trust my family and friends to tell me the truth, so if they think the guy is a jerk or see the potential for me being hurt, I will drop him. My brother (although a dater of ow) is a bit more leery. he's seeing it from an oversex ym point of view...lol and he has this fierce need to protect me, so he has to be convince more, he also can't stand the fact that I date guys from the internet...thinks its spooky. Nevertheless, I prepare the ym for the high grade Marine grilling he's going to get.

but if he treats me well and they see that i'm happy because I am well treated and well loved, he gets assimilated into the family quickly and easily, in that I am lucky.

I agree with everyone else, you need new friends, hopefully some that support or are involve in ow/ym relationships. I don't know if I would be so willing to give up my friends that easily, I have too much invested in my friends to toss them over some guy who may be in my life a relatively short time...its a balancing act but it can be done, I'm not sure hanging with his 20 somethng friends would be my option as I'm the reason he's not dating 20ish girls, and the guys may be a tad immature, so making my own friends apart of my guy would be a variable option. It would be time to join some classes, learn to knit, go back to school, maintain a positive attitude. hang in there, you can also come here, the women here are awesome and tell it like it is.

Paris

Wow, Suzeq, I am sorry to hear you are having these problems with your friends. But in my opinion, they were no friends in the first place. Friends lift and support each other, through thick and thin. I have loads of friends who were there for me when I was married, there for me through my divorce, there for me for the first two years after my divorce and are still there for me since I've been with Joe. I have not had one of my friends say a negative remark about our relationship.

It is a fact that friends don't always agree on everything and my friends and I don't always agree on everything either, but we do respect each other's opinions and choices. I may not agree with a friend of mine staying in a bad marriage, but she is the one who has to live it, so I will support her in any way that I can.

Your friend is jealous I think and was not much of a friend in the first place if she would end a friendship because of who you chose as a partner.

If you have any interests, you should get involved with those interests and make friends based on commonality. And I can tell you that friends you make after the relationship with your YM has developed, will be much more likely to accept your relationship too. Maybe that is partly because they would not have known you in any other situation.

At any rate, you have come to the right place and you will have plenty of friends here who will welcome you, accept you, and sometimes tell you like it is, but hopefully they won't judge you as you have been judged by your recent RL friends.

Good Luck!

to make sure the door doesn't hit them on the A$$ on their way out of your life.

Disagreeing with your pals about whom you date is usually a losing situation. If they respect you, they will say what they have to once and that is all. They won't dump you for it. And if it were me, if I respect what I'm doing I would care less if anyone in my life walked out because of it.

Doing something that others don't usually do takes all kinds of courage. You also learn who your real friends are at that point.

Witchy