need of good advice

I am a 51 year-old married woman with 2 grown children.
My marriage has been unhappy forever. My husband pays no attention to me. I just never had the courage to divorce him.
I have fallen madly in love with a 30 year-old man. He loves me just as much. The relationship is fabulous and I am sure it would last forever. I am struggling with the idea of divorcing my husband to be with a younger man. I am really afraid my kids will hate me and I will lose my friends.

Welcome to Ageless Kim,

I'll get right to the point.
Wouldn't your children be just as upset,
if not more,
in finding out you are having an affair on their father?

I say work on ending your marriage.
Get the divorce and strike out on your own
before considering a relationship with another man.

I had a marriage like you have described
and I got a divorce.

No matter how you slice and dice it Kim,
remaining married and having the 30 year old
on the side is wrong, wrong wrong!


<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/lilfairy.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">I don't want no one to squeeze me-
they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you
and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy
Give me one reason to stay here-
and I'll turn right back around
</FONT><FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Tracy Chapman</FONT>

Leave your husband for yourself and not another man (of any age). I suspect that your younger man has emerged not so much as the soul mate you were destined to meet, but as the manifestation of a relationship which has been lacking a connection for you for a long period of time.

You will be happier in the long run, and you will have a better chance of maintaining a close relationship with your friends and family if you end your marriage after giving it your all and walk away ON YOUR OWN, as opposed to RUNNING INTO THE ARMS OF ANOTHER.

In a Dr. Phil kind of way, I suspect that the YM/OW dynamic here is neither a primary or secondary issue in the context of the emotions you are dealing with. That said, if one of your underlying motivations is to rub the affections of a younger man in your soon-to-be-ex-husband's face...that would not be a healthy thing and the satisfaction that came from it COULD cost you the respect of family and friends.

Hi Kim, welcome to ageless!

People fall in love with other people while they are married and it's been happening forever and a day. If you and your husband had a great relationship, you would have never fallen in love with this 30 year old guy. You AND your husband both own the credit and the blame for the state of your marriage.

You are at the age where women re-evaluate their lives (I know, I'm close to your age) and you have come to the conclusion that your marriage isn't working for you. I think many of us here understand that and have been down that road as well.

Consider this, regardless of this YM, if you don't get out of the marriage and rediscover what is good about you and your life, you still aren't goint to be happy. As far as your family and friends are concerned, when is it your job to live your life to please them? I bet you've already tried that for years and years (most of us have) and it didn't make you or them happy anyway.

Your age gap with your YM is not that big. A gap of such a size is very common here, along with gaps, much larger of 25 and 30 years.

Go see a counselor and sort out all of your feelings and then either commit to fixing your marriage or make a decision to leave it. Your children are grown. You need to do the right thing by yourself and everyone else, ok?

Originally posted by bubbleee
People fall in love with other people while they are married and it's been happening forever and a day. If you and your husband had a great relationship, you would have never fallen in love with this 30 year old guy. You AND your husband both own the credit and the blame for the state of your marriage.

Go see a counselor and sort out all of your feelings and then either commit to fixing your marriage or make a decision to leave it. Your children are grown. You need to do the right thing by yourself and everyone else, ok?


I'm in total agreeance with Bubble! Instead of being so "unhappy" and finding an outlet through a younger man, why not focus on fixing the marriage? There is an epidimic today of married couples not putting forth any effort to create and maintain a happy marriage. At the first sign of trouble, BOOM. . . they're out! That's not good.

Think about your kids and the vows you and your husband made on that day of matrimony. Being happy is only what YOU make of it. You just don't get up one day and proclaim that you are unhappy. It starts with YOU. And in a marriage, it takes two, not one or the other. Marriage is part of being a team and doing everything in the couple's power to make the marriage a successful one - NOT because you feel you have to, BUT because you want to.

There are many ways to rekindle the flame of love and intimacy in a marriage and reformat communication just as well. On the surface, you and your hubby should revert back to the "basics of love" and re-establish a committed relationship that both of you are already in. Marriage isn't a word to play with and neither is divorce. They just don't go together, therefore, as a couple, seek some marriage counseling and therapy and hold on to what you have.

Feeling you are in love with some YM while in your marriage doesn't necessarily qualify you for being in love or finding your soul mate. With the motivation to give the love, trust, emotional stability, and oneness to this YM, why not transfer that effort into your marriage?

I agree with Nessa that even if YOU do quit the marriage, afterwards you will need some time to recover and find yourself. DON'T start the rebound effect by already jumping into another relationship.

You and your husband should take some time together, sit down and write down the positives and negatives of the marriage. I'm no counselor yet but I feel that sitting down with one another and expressing how each other feels (and wants) will do nothing but help the issue(s) at hand. And that is just a starting point.

All this is just my opinion and belief and I feel that you shouldn't GIVE UP.

Again, dig deep inside yourself to try and find some solutions to your unhappiness (assuming he does the same on his part too) so that you know you have tried to do your part.

Good luck!

Wow, this is not an easy situation.

How long have you been seeing your ym?

When you first fall in love with someone, it feels like the world is your oyster, like you can do no wrong, and that you have a cosmic connection with that person, an unbreakable bond that will last forever. These feelings can cause people to do strange things they would normally do, like ending a long marriage.

You are afraid your kids and friends will hate you... that is a genuine possibility. In fact it is highly likely. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's the way it is.

I speak partly from experience here -- if you choose to end your marriage and jump right in with the ym (essentially "overlapping"), you will face severe consequences. I wish i could sugar-coat it, but I can't. You will lose friends. You will lose respect from people. Your husband will be the victim and lots of people, even those you don't suspect would feel this way, will SIDE WITH HIM. You will devastate your children. You will be alone, save for the ym, and trust me, it may seem like he's ready for that but that may not be the case... often those who get involved with married people do so because they aren't able to give someone much more of themselves.

You will likely lose self-respect as well, and that is very difficult to recover from.

I was already separated when I became involved with my ym, but it was a really short time in between and it looked like an overlap. I lost friendships. Some with people I had known since I was a child, even though they were supposedly my friends, not his. His family hates me. Not because we split up, but because i got involved with someone else right away.

The year that followed was horrible. I was alone except for my ym, and that put a LOT of pressure on him.

You need to decide what you are going to do. But don't end a marriage just for a new relationship. Trust me. If you end it because you are unhappy, and then take time to take stock, that's different.

Right now it may seem that all you need is love, but that glow will wear off, and you will be faced with reality and the consequences of your actions.

Don't walk away unless you know you've done everything you could humanly possible do to change the situation within your marriage. Its only fair.

You claim to be unhappy, do you know how your husband feels. Is he just as unhappy with you? And why are you so sure your new relationship will last forever, your marriage hasn't. does your ym want you to divorce your husband, or is he ok with being with a married ow and not having the responsibility of being your husband?

Please seek counseling with your husband. let your husband know what your feelings are and if he doesn't support you in counseling, then let him know that there IS someone else interested in you and you would rather work things out with him before you both screw up your lives. He has the right to know what he's up against and make different choices, this is about him too. This is the reason why I think cheating is so selfish, you make decisions on your own without consulting the partner and giving him/her the chance to make the relationship better.

Please re-read Pinkcat and Joe's post...they gave excellent advice.

Paris

Your marriage has been "unhappy forever" ...yep, mine was like that. Two strangers passing in the night...nothing there for a decade except basic pleasantries, if those. When a marriage has hit this phase and hovered there for this long...it's over. No one failed, it's just over. I married for life and had the biggest struggle reckoning a decision for divorce; but we are ALL so much better now (two years later) for having done it (my ex, my sons and me). It's bad at first, but it gets better.
I agree...the best scenario is to back up on the relationship with your ym until everything is final...because, like Pink Cat, I was involved while separated and it DID cause some loss of integrity and added hurt. Learn from our choices and consequences.
Get out for yourself, I agree with everyone on that....I thought my relationship with my ym would last forever too; it didn't. BUT, I'm still so much happier single than in a marriage that felt like an abyss.

OK maybe I am off base here, but I truly feel as though I shouldn't judge your predicament. We do not choose who and and more importantly when we fall in love. Sure it is wrong morally, but we know that, and no one should cast the first stone.
Being in a lonely, loveless marriage is an empty, sad place to reside. Our self esteem is usually shot and as a result most people in this situation have problems making healthy choices. My advice, you cannot make this choice without therapy. It is not so "easy" to leave a longterm marriage. The question that I asked myself (and I was in your exact situation) was "Do you love your husband enough to at least try to make the marriage work" I did, and I tried. It is not impossible to love two people in different ways. I can speak from experience that the "new passion" that you feel, although wonderful can fry your brain cells. Common sense goes right out the window! Although honesty is difficult in this situation, it is imperative that you be honest with all parties involved especially yourself. Therapy was my only choice.
My ym and myself "cooled it" whilst I was sorting out what my lifes journey would be. I still saw him but with the understanding that we would be "friends" until I had cleaned out the confusion in my brain. The deciept in a three person relationship (for lack of a better word) will eat your soul alive. All I did was cry with guilt.. and you can never truly have a healthy relationship with either man if you don't love yourself first. I did finally leave, but I left for myself. My ym waited patiently as I went through my journey, but it was worth the wait as I truly feel we did it the right way so that no one would be hurt including my ex, who is now (because I did it the right way :-) a very close and loving friend. It takes time. Anything worth having is worth waiting for. Affairs never work, they are not good kharma and do nothing but drain you emotionally. If it is God's will you two will be together. You can pm me anytime for advice!! I will pray for you..

Joi

Originally posted by Joi
We do not choose who and and more importantly when we fall in love. Sure it is wrong morally, but we know that, and no one should cast the first stone.

Ahh, but your heart and mind has to be open to the possibility of love, I believe, in order to fall in love. If I am in love with someone, that door is closed to anyone else and it shouldn't be opened (not even a crack) regardless of who is knocking.


Being in a lonely, loveless marriage is an empty, sad place to reside.

Yes, it is, and that's when you have to get out, sort out your life and move on.


It is not so "easy" to leave a longterm marriage.

Nope, it wasn't easy to leave my 25-year marriage either, but sometimes life isn't "easy" and the things we need to do most for our own well being are the things that aren't "easy."


I did finally leave, but I left for myself.

Bingo!!! As it should be.

Originally posted by Joi
We do not choose who and and more importantly when we fall in love. Sure it is wrong morally, but we know that, and no one should cast the first stone.

Ahh, but your heart and mind has to be open to the possibility of love, I believe, in order to fall in love. If I am in love with someone, that door is closed to anyone else and it shouldn't be opened (not even a crack) regardless of who is knocking.

Yes you are right, if I am truly "in love" with someone the door will be "closed" But you can "love" someone (I love my ex-husband) and not be in love with them.


Being in a lonely, loveless marriage is an empty, sad place to reside.

Yes, it is, and that's when you have to get out, sort out your life and move on.

I am sure she knows that. But she may need time to make that decision.


It is not so "easy" to leave a longterm marriage.

Nope, it wasn't easy to leave my 25-year marriage either, but sometimes life isn't "easy" and the things we need to do most for our own well being are the things that aren't "easy."

No it is not easy and I can tell you that I know numerous intelligent woman who are in loveless marriages that might not have the strength that you had in "getting out" You are an example to all of how a strong a woman can be. My issue is that when these woman come to us for support in their darkest hours are we (who have been judged by so many...even our own children for living in "sin" etc.etc....) quick to jump on them about what they should and shouldn't do. I know everyone means well. I just don't want to see these woman (who are going through hell as it is) afraid to come back with their honesty (which must be quite difficult for them to share with us as they probably
have not been able to share these things with anyone)
I do appreciate everyones "honest advice" as I know where you are coming from...but these people are new and not only want/need honest advice but need support as well.

Sorry as I think you are wonderful, but these people came here for solace and help... not to be judged. Please forgive me.

Joi

I do hear you Joi and maybe I should stay off the "cheating spouses" threads! They really get me boiling. I realize they come here for advice, but no one -- NO ONE -- should need to be told that cheating is WRONG!! They should already know that. Some of them, I think, are coming here to see if they can get some kind of validation for what they are doing. Just like the one (and I don't know if it was the OP on this thread or another one -- there have been several today) who wanted to know if this could be an "exception." Geez, now what does she think? She's trying to justify what she's doing. Sure she can tell herself anything she wants to justify the infidelity, but it's still dishonest and cheating, any way you cut it.

And, to be quite honest, I would think it would take more energy to try to carry on two deceptive relationships, than to just get out of the bad one, be honest and not have the guilt riding on their shoulders.

JMO.

I agree it is wrong and there is no justifying it (especially that one thread you mentioned)
Yes, I think that some might come for validation, but I also think that some are desperately afraid of their feelings and the guilt that consumes you with these types of relationships. They
know that whatever happens they cannot continue down
this path of self destruction. The truth is.. they WILL, make a decision and it WILL be painful, no matter what that decision will be, and I hope that we can be there to love and support them when the time comes...

Joi

I've been here four years, and I've seen this type of thing a lot. OW claims she's not in love with her husband anymore, YM makes her feel "beautiful" and "alive". Kids are involved. Doesn't know what to do.

Here's what you do. Look at your wedding vows. Right now, go look at your wedding album. Close your eyes and remember what you said to eachother that day..."For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."

Look at the life you've had with this man. Look at the children you've made and raised, look at the home, the finances, all the progress you've made since your "beans and rice" honeymoon days. You've both changed. One can ascertain that quite easily. Why couldn't you change together, at least a little bit? Why couldn't you find a new hobby or interest to delve into together, and still maintain other interests? He doesn't turn you on? What have you done to turn him on? When's the last time you paid attention to every inch of his body the way you do your bf's?

I had a loveless marriage, because he cheated on me numerous times, was abusive, and was a violent alchoholic. I left because of safety. It's been a mess with his family ever since, and my children will feel for the rest of their lives they don't have a father and don't belong to that side of the family. It hurts them so very much.

Your YM is like a drug, and you're addicted. He makes you high. Like a heroin addict, you try to rationalize your behavior. You don't care who you hurt as long as you get your "fix" with him.

Let me ask you something. If your YM left you flat, for some younger woman tomorrow, would you care if suddenly your husband had found a younger, thinner, prettier woman to be with who rocked his world in bed every night? Just ponder on that for awhile.

BTW, I'm not judging you, I don't think you're a horrible person, I just think you need to look at this from different angles.

Originally posted by kim51
I am a 51 year-old married woman with 2 grown children.
My marriage has been unhappy forever. My husband pays no attention to me. I just never had the courage to divorce him.
I have fallen madly in love with a 30 year-old man. He loves me just as much. The relationship is fabulous and I am sure it would last forever. I am struggling with the idea of divorcing my husband to be with a younger man. I am really afraid my kids will hate me and I will lose my friends.

Kim, we only live our life once. Your children are grown and are living their own lives. Your husband can do well without you, I suppose.

You fell in love with someone else, and this may be the best moment to wake up and stop living a lie to live real adventure. It may take you to unknown places. It may make you lose friends (although real friends are going to stick with you as wrong as you may seem to them - they are not there to judge you).

It may all be a mistake. It may be the best thing you'll do in your life. The option is a dull marriage to a man who is not there for you anymore, and for whom, at least emotionally, you were not there anymore either.

I don't think that staying in this marriage is the happy option for you right now. If you have too many doubts, get counseling. It may help you dealing with this situation and facing the consequences of whatever decision you take. You are in doubt and afraid. This is exactly when we should get professional, non-judgmental help.

Originally posted by Polly
BTW, I'm not judging you, I don't think you're a horrible person, I just think you need to look at this from different angles.

There was a time when people would have judged you for leaving your louse of a husband, even if he did beat you.

All I'm saying is that it's very easy to sit back and tell somebody the right thing to do if you're not wearing their shoes.

We wonderful, magnificient humans are hopelessly flawed.

Girl

As soon as you leave your husband make yourself happy and sweetie 50 and 30 is nothing try 35 and 19 now that's an age difference. I don't see anything wrong with you being 50 and him 30. If he makes you happy that's all that matters and he must have a job!

Originally posted by Tippy
As soon as you leave your husband make yourself happy and sweetie 50 and 30 is nothing try 35 and 19 now that's an age difference. I don't see anything wrong with you being 50 and him 30. If he makes you happy that's all that matters and he must have a job!

LOL . . . 35 and 19? Try 52 and 27!! Now that's an age difference. :D

Yes, probably, for a while, your kids will hate you and your friends will be taken aback. That's what happens when you change. But what does it say that everyone else is happy when you're not?

At 51, it seems to me that you have done your duty to your children and it's now time for them to live their own adult lives as they please.

If your marriage is truly unhappy, and you honestly don't think there's any way to salvage it, then yes, it is time to look at other options for the rest of your life.

There is no guarantee that the younger guy will stick around for the duration, of course, but there's also no guarantee that he won't.

If you'd be happier single at this point in your life than in an unsatisfying relationship, then that's exactly what you should do.

Your kids will get over it, and your friends will either understand or you'll make new ones :>

Yes, DS, you hit the nail on the head about change. People have a hard time with it. That's what got my daughter started was the changes I made in my life long before I even met Joe.

Maybe I should loan her my book called "Who Moved My Cheese?" It is a cute little book for anyone going through changes, whether they be life changes, changes in career or whatever.

But the we, and the world, are ever changing and to survive we have to learn to roll with the changes.

And I have learned that I am not going to live my life based on other people's perceptions and expectations. The bottom line is that we have to live our lives in a way that makes us happy, not what makes others happy. After all, they don't have to live our lives, we do!! :D

But, my issue with kim, is that she needs to get her priorities straight. If she can't get her marriage on the right track, then she needs to get out of it before beginning with someone new. I believe she would feel much better about herself and the new relationship if she begins it honestly. Because, unless she has no conscience at all, she is going to have a guilt trip about the deception.