need of advice or input

Hi everyone. I haven't been here for awhile but I would still appreciate the advice. I have an insecurity issue. I am 30 and my bf is 19. We have been together for 9 months and we also live together. I am madly in love with him. He treats me better than anyone ever has. He tells me everyday how beautiful I am and how he wants to spend his life with me. I know he loves me so much. I know this because of how he treats me and he tells me all the time. We both make each other very happy. My problem is with the future. Im scared that in years down the road he will no longer find me attractive and fall out of love with me. He is a very handsome guy, and I fear (for example) when he's 24 and I'm 35 he's going to want someone closer to his age. I feel that Dylan only being 19 he will be a different person 5 years down the road. I pray this will never happen and that he will feel the same way about me as he does now. I question whether I should end things with him so I don't get my heart broken with my fears. I don't want to let go because he is the love of my life. Any advice would be great. Thanks everyone.

Couldn't have said it better myself Nes! :D



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Jennie,

I can't offer much advice as I am in a new relationship myself.

I also care very much for the man in my life and I have the same fears as you. There is 22 years difference between J and myself and also the distance between us and his very CONTROLLING mother. He is 23 and I am ummm (well you can do the math) and I also have the save fears that you do.

What I have learned is to treasure the time we have together, and to treat each day as a "gift"

There are no guarantees in any relationship and no crystal balls to let me see if J and I will make it for the long haul. As much as I also worry about getting my heart broke, I have decided at least for me that I am going to take the chance.

So take one day at a time and try not to dwell to much on the future.

I question whether I should end things with him so I don't get my heart broken with my fears.

I myself have tried several times to push Jeremy for the very same reason. Luckily for me, J has been a very patient person and I find that I am doing this less often.

Prior to Jeremy it has been a very long time before I let anyone get this close to me because I had locked my heart away where it was at least not able to get hurt. Somehow for some reason Jeremy was able to open my heart up again and Am I scared of getting my heart broke again? YES.

I don't want to let go because he is the love of my life.

Then make the decision that you are willing to let this run for as long as it will.

In the long run won't it be better to be able to say "I gave it my best" rather then to wonder "WHAT IF"

Take Care

I think the success of a relationship with a very young man depends on YOUR ability to adapt and change. If you can "hold on loosely" and give him the space he needs to grow, it could work. You should expect from him the same thing you'd expect from any bf as far as mutual respect and putting the relationship first. He should be able to be faithful and monogamous, he should be able to earn a living, he should be trustworthy, and most of all, he should be as into the relationship as you are.

He might change as far as hobbies, likes and dislikes, interests, and what he wants to do with his life, but if you can grow and change with him (for instance join him in a new interest or hobby) things should be fine. I think your age gap will become smaller and smaller as the years go by. By the time you two are 40 and 50, it won't even matter, honestly. My parents have been married for almost 45 years, and my mom is 13 years younger than my dad. Guess who acts old, feeble and stodgy? My mom!

Anyway, my parents are still in love as well as best friends. They are enjoying retirement, traveling together and doing everything they ever wanted to do. I'm sure when my dad, at 36, married my mom at 23, there was still some growing up he had to let her do, but they have a wonderful marriage with no regrets.

I'd say if you can hang in there and wait a few more years, he'll be ready to commit to marriage and fatherhood. You'll be just the right age to have children, and he'll be the right age to work hard and be a good father.:)

Oh, I wanted to add that a lady I know had a mother 10 years older than her father. They married when he was 19 and she, 29. They had a happy, successful marriage and 5 kids! :)

Yay, Polly! Good post with the examples!

I'm 30 and my bf is 20, so we are pretty much in the same boat!!

It all depends on the individual. Some older guys leave their wives when they get bored with them.

Great post Polly,

I had a similiar experience with a guy I recently dated. He ask me the opposite of your question, jennie, if we were to marry and 20 years down the line, he being 45 and me being 64, would I then leave him for a younger guy. I thought it was the wierdest question, since it seems to be the reverse of ow/ym situation and I've never been asked that question.

I had to remind him that I did not seek out ym intentionally. I've made a few exceptions, but age wasn't a factor in determining who I date or marry. I told him that for me marriage was a commitment of boundaries. Within that marriage, were no other people involve but us two and if he treated me with the upmost respect, why would I want to start all over again with some other ym to manage when the strength, the integrity and the growth of our relationship will be base on unconditional love and trust. As this is ultimately what anyone wants in a relationship as Polly said, we would adapt, we would change, be each other's best friend, thereby gaining wisdom, bringing us closer, hopefully strengthening our committment to each other, thereby hopefully and prayerfully beating the odds.

Yes, there are no quarantees, same age or ym, and basically you have no control over his feelings or his personal growth but what you can do is take care of you, be who you need to be so that you can both grow on the same page. Remember this relationship is just as much about you as him. Don't lose yourself in his growth, but be kind to you too. Good luck.
Paris

I just wanted to say thank you for all who have given me some advice. I will try to work harder on my insecurity issues and not worry so mu ch on what might happen.
Jennie

I wanted to share a lil bit of what happened to me....I've been in two previous relationships w/ym. I didn't start out seeking ym....they just happened to be younger. And yes, I had the same insecurities you've voiced....all the what if's.....well, I'm here to tell you that even when you're worst fears are realized....sometime...just sometimes...life throws u a curveball.

The ym Im referring to and I have had an online friendship(more emotional relationship than just friendship) for over a year now. After 1 yr and 3 mos of talking to each other, via chat and phone on a rather frequent basis...he ended up marrying someone he barely knew.....a 28 yr old young woman!!!!. I'm 47.

I was stunned, shattered and crushed. My worst fear had become a reality!!! I cried incessantly over losing him to someone else. I listened to all the sappy love songs.....looked at his pics, read and re-read his e-mails, chat conversations....all telling me how much he cared for me...and now this????

But I guess, I've learned that loving someone also means letting them make their own way in the world...letting go...and letting them go in love. After much soul searching and prayer....I forgave him, wished him complete happiness and went on w/my life.

A month and 1/2 later and out of the blue, he called to tell me that he'd made a horrible mistake, duhhhhh!!! That it should've been me...and that if I forgave him and could find it in my heart to take him back he would do everything he could to be with me again, including relocating. He made an appt. to see a divorce lawyer this past Monday. It's still a gamble...I'm still terrified that he'll change his mind and I'll get my heart stomped on again, or that the woman he married will get pregnant to keep him there...what if, what if, what if.....
But I'm going to take that risk!!!

Love is always a risk. If I would've blown him off and been rude/ crude to him when he told me he was getting married...I think he would've never called to share that he was very unhappy. Did I feel kicked to the curb, absolutely!!! Did I feel like I was being or am being taken for a fool...sometimes, But I'll never know if I don't take this risk. We're at a crossroads now....either I decide to guard my heart and play it safe so my heart doesn't get stomped on again or take that risk and see where this journey takes us, as fraught w/insecurity, fears as life is full of. Keep your fingers crossed for us....

Keep ur chin up, take the risk and be good to yourself and your ym. Enjoy the ride!!!!

the meaning of having the love of my life, would require that i am compatible with him on four levels......emotionally, mentally, physically and most important for me, spiritually... on these levels of life i would want to grow, if we continue to grow together, then i can hope that time would only increase our love.

it could then cease to be about my insecurities and more about loving myself and my partner, but first and formost for me it would be about developing my first relationship with my God, then everything else will work out no matter what the outcome.... we never really can fully guarantee that a person will love us forever, we can work on that goal by developing together.

the more i put God first i am not so scared about the future, i still worry but i have more peace and i believe i am just part of the world instead of being the center of the universe. i believe love is a gift, it needs to be cared for, it certainly has made me grow up and it isnt always easy but outcome i leave in God's hands.

*****If you can "hold on loosely" and give him the space he needs to grow, it could work.*****

Great post Polly, but I wanted to add that the above comment is not necessarily true for all young men. Also, I think its worth pointing out that `holding on loosely' can also result in relaxing your boundaries too far and winding up feeling disrespected. I think young guys are capable of lot more committment and respect than we give them credit for.

When I first started mentally dealing with the fact that my boyfriend was only 23, I remember thinking that maybe I would have to give him plenty of leeway to be a `young man'. Basically, I had a preconception of what `young men' wanted to do with their time.....like partying, spending a lot of time with the guys, doing reckless stuff, not thinking too much, and definately not behaving like a committed, stable bf.

Getting to know my bf has opened my eyes to my own personal prejudices against young men. It began with the first time we made love, which was only the second time we met. After we were intimate, I basically shoved him out the door in the middle of night and assumed that we would never see each other again.
I frankly expected that he would treat like a piece of trash after making love, because of his age. I was totally wrong. From that night on, he handled the situation more respectfully and communicatively than any other guy I've met in my life.

Also, at 23 my bf is more willing to take on fatherhood and marriage than any older guy I've met. He has no committment issues. He doesn't go out with boys, he doesn't do reckless things. Hes the best communicator I've come across as a partner.

I feel that if you give a man....any man......permission to disrespect the seriousness of your relationship or behave like a single guy, then you're setting yourself up for disappointment. So don't let his age excuse bad behaviour. Young guys are capable of behaving very well when they asked to.

Since Polly said EXACTLY what I was going to say (great minds think alike, huh?)

Let me clarify a bit:

No one is saying that anyone has the right to treat anyone with disrespect. What we are saying is that younger people need to explore how they are going to spend their lives : not just WHO they are going to spend it with.

And if you are going to be a companion to a 19 year old (and I know whereof I speak as we were 35 and 19 when we met and are now at 40 and 24 - almost five years later) - then you are going to have to be flexible about things like living conditions, finances, traveling, experimenting with new and different hobbies, career hinks and bumps, and changes in style and interests.

You also have to expect some reconsideration along the way - relatively few of us meet our lifelong partner at 19 and never, ever, even vaguely debate whether this is who we want forever. Life's just not like that.

But if the connection between the two of you remains strong through all the curves life can throw at you over the years, then the result of that inner debate will be renewed commitment to being together.

Just remember to always be best friends and never be afraid to talk honestly to each other.