Instant Relationships

Ok... I wasn't going to do this... I know I blab a lot and have been trying to keep a lower profile but something is really bothering me.

Does anyone else have trouble either A) falling in love instantly or B) having someone else fall in love with them instantly.

I mean the kind of love that turns out to be groundless and 1 month later instead of drifting off as friends you have a BREAKUP.

I dated my ex for 6 months before the Love word was spoken and a year before the Marriage word was spoken. That seems good to me.

In the year that I have been divorced I had that horrible online hoax.... ok I really learned with that one and so many of you here shared stories of how you were duped and I didn't feel so bad... bad, but not so bad. GOD WAS I AN IDIOT.

Then I went on match.com and met the Spaniard... I really really liked him.. I thought there was potential, I mean for love. Well I only dated him three weeks before he showed his colors. He ended up dumping me because I has such high demands as keeping your word and sexual fidelity... imagine that. His last email to me was scathing.

Then I met T and after only a week or two went down to meet him. Well it was great but within a week of meeting him (he cried when I left because he wanted me to stay) he disliked me, I just was not what he wanted.

So the next guy I went out with, well only for dinner twice. I told him from the START I wanted a friend, not a relationship. He was so in love with me... He would wait for me as long as it took, I kept telling him I don't want a relationship... He got so mad at me that he sent me some scathing emails that would melt your eyeballs.

So I found a site for people that wanted activity partners, I would love to bike and hike with someone. I even put in the ad, ACTIVITY PARTNER, don't want a relationship. The title of my ad was FRIENDSHIP COMES BEFORE LOVE.

Well one guy answered and we talked on the phone and emailed a couple of times. I keep saying I want to GET TO KNOW HIM, and have someone to do things with and I DON'T want a relationship.

Now he is in LOVE with me and we haven't even met yet, he is planning our retirement on the volcanos of Hawaii (he's Hawaiian) He can "just tell" I am such a good person. I am perfect. I keep telling him no... JUST GET TO KNOW ME... he says he already does.

Its making me ill. Now I don't even want to meet him, we are supposed to go on a hike on Sunday because it is supposed to be 62 and thunderstorms.

We have a LOT in common. He seems nice. Its this instant love thing that makes me want to puke. I just want a friend, and if it grows into love great, like in 6 months or so.

The first few times I was party to the madness, I admit, but the last two times I tried so hard just to be friends. Does anyone do that anymore? Or are relationships like microwave and dsl... FAST AND FURIOUS, well I don't want it any more, I'm tired.

Swan:

Some thoughts:

Freight trains generally mow down everything in their path.

Here's the paradox: love can strike in an instant.

Here's the reservation: the Internet has skewed things. When you can look into the eyes, soul and physical presence of a person, you can tend to KNOW whether that person is a real potential partner. You can't ever know that on the Net. Time, however, does tell.

I am always skeptical of someone who declares instant love--but I add to that that I know what it is like to fall in love immediately. I know, it's a paradox. But there's a HUGE difference between a needy kind of want which people confuse for love, and the real thing, which is intense, but not fleeting.

However, there is a balance. I may fall in love, but I wait and see if it is a real deal. Takes less than a month to know for sure. And I have learned to listen to my heart.

So, give it time. And wait.

Blessings,
Katie S.

Well, I don't understand it either. It's not love its infatuation aka limerence. Here are a couple of examples of limerence for the full story check out the link. Limerence (http://www.isi.edu/gost/brian/elbows/limerence.html)

Intrusive thinking about the object of your passionate desire (the limerent object or `LO'), who is a possible sexual partner

Acute longing for reciprocation

Dependency of mood on LO's actions or, more accurately, your interpretation of LO's actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation.


Doesn't sound like much fun does it? Yet we go through it when we first realize we are in love. The problem is when it happens far too soon. Men fall in love easier and faster than women -- they also fall out of love faster. So it's not uncommon to get rushed by a man who's hormones are talking louder than his brain. But it's not only men, women do it too.

There are a lot of very lonely people in the world who are desperate not to be lonely. Some of them are unbalanced enough to take it out on you if you aren't The One -- go figure.

The only thing you can do is take it slowly and insist that they do the same. As much as I say you need to know personal information...that is only after you have gotten to know someone and are at the stage of wanting to be a couple. That really should take more than a couple of dates or letters or phone calls.

I met my husband on line, but we took it slow. We also didn't meet on a dating site and that might make a difference. We didn't meet for about 3 months and then worked it out over the next year. No instant relationship and no hurrying to move in together. Good things take time. If your house doesn't have a good foundation it WILL collapse.

Swan, the guy who says that he already knows you -- knows what he imagines you to be...what he *wants* you to be. He's quite apt to be disappointed with who you really are, so please take it slowly.

Peace,
Jane

Originally posted by Swan
Now he is in LOVE with me and we haven't even met yet, he is planning our retirement on the volcanos of Hawaii (he's Hawaiian) He can "just tell" I am such a good person. I am perfect. I keep telling him no... JUST GET TO KNOW ME... he says he already does.
He sounds like a pretty perceptive guy, actually. :p

No, Swan, you're right -- I figure anything that flares up so quickly can die out just as quickly, for as little reason. That instant love thing just isn't the stuff that enduring relationships are made of. Instant attraction or chemistry or whatever, maybe -- but that's not the same thing as love. To my way of thinking, love is something that is nurtured and grows -- and lasts.

I don't get it. I'm so confused by the whole dating thing that I'm much safer just staying away from it.

Originally posted by BearsAngel
Swan, the guy who says that he already knows you -- knows what he imagines you to be...what he *wants* you to be. He's quite apt to be disappointed with who you really are, so please take it slowly.

Peace,
Jane

That is Exactly what I think and why I think they are angry with me when they find out I am not what they imagined me to be.

I am honest, don't get me wrong, but they paint their own picture on my canvas... actually I like the original art better :D

Originally posted by Savannah
I don't get it. I'm so confused by the whole dating thing that I'm much safer just staying away from it.

I'm trying Savannah, guess the male/female friend doesn't exist in this particular environment. I don't want to date. But I would love to do stuff with people.

Originally posted by Swan
I'm trying Savannah, guess the male/female friend doesn't exist in this particular environment. I don't want to date. But I would love to do stuff with people.
Or they think it's a thinly veiled disguise for seeking dates.

Maybe it's time to go back to your original idea of joining a local hiking club?

Originally posted by Katie S
Swan:

Some thoughts:

Freight trains generally mow down everything in their path.

Here's the paradox: love can strike in an instant.




You know I actually believe it can, but my experiences have been bad in that regard so I just want to get to know someone. Right now in this situation on a love scale I am a 4... shows potential.. I hate to sound so cold and realistic but the romantic was burned out of me I guess. He thinks I am a 12 on a scale of 1 to 10.... and he has never met me. Makes me nervous. Maybe he hasn't had the romance burned out of him and he is more perceptive... who knows?

I used to hate that when I had my personal ad on the internet. I was looking for a boyfriend for real life and had no intention of starting a cyber relationship of any kind. A few really nice guys became quite enamored after just a few emails exchanging general information and started to make plans for the future before we had even discussed meeting. I think they were just really lonely and perhaps had little experience meeting women on the internet, so they imagined that any woman who was willing to communicate with them was their long-sought destined love partner. I just told them nicely that I didn't really feel any connection, which was the truth, and wished them luck.

I understand exactly what you mean Swan.
I have the same concerns.

Some days I feel that I am destined to live
the rest of my life without a love partner and would
only have myself to blame for it.

I shy away from approaching men on the net
and can't stand the "singles bar" type dating scene
off of the net.
I don't have a lot of single friends to hook me
up with guys that they know...
so I keep telling myself that when I am meant
to be with the right man, I will be.
But will I?

Will our eyes meet at the grocery store
as we both pick out ripe melons?
Will he light up right in front of me at work someday,
(when I really do look my most sweaty and old)?
Will his gaze meet mine in the car next to me
in gridlocked traffic on a frenzied Friday afternoon?
When and where will I ever have
the opportunity to meet the man of my dreams?
He is not going to fall from the sky into my compost pile
as I do my gardening!
And I need to not think of him as the
man of my dreams, right?
I mean, isn't that just deluding myself?

I have become so guarded about meeting men
on the net, that I have this Friends Only caution
sign that flashes like crazy.
That isn't going to get me anywhere.
But I am genuinely very wary of striking up an
"Internet romance".

I am very open minded when it comes to
cultivating a friendship with a man on the net-
but not too many seem interested in that.
(Which is fine).
I mean, the spark just isn't there for it to
be much more than an email friendship.
Am I being too picky?
Obviously I wasn't that selective in the past-
as I was hurt numerous times
and I am just too old now to risk everything to
watch it go in the dumper for the sake of chancing it.

I do feel I am my own worst enemy when it comes
to finding true love and I am now at a
total loss as to what to do about it.
I don't cry or mope around the house over it-
but at night, after crawling into bed all alone,
that is when I think about it - a lot!
LOL
::: big sigh :::

I have decided to drive down to a local beach called
Alki Beach that is not far from my home
and power walk the beach front every morning.
There are always a lot of people there and I feel
as though I just need to be around people
on a steady basis.
I'll stop at one of the trendy little coffee shacks,
take my break, then head back to my car.
The walking will do me a lot of good and also the
fresh air, and who knows-
I just might meet a decent guy?

It's a start anyway.
So you are not alone Swan-
I am right along side you and I admire you greatly
for the risks and chances you have taken
in getting to know men.
That's quite a few steps ahead of me
and I salute you my friend!!


<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/lilfairy.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">I don't want no one to squeeze me-
they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you
and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy
Give me one reason to stay here-
and I'll turn right back around
</FONT><FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Tracy Chapman</FONT>

You know Sage you sound like you are at the same spot I am... I guess just wanting someone to fall out of the sky or have a neon arrow pointing to his head with a sign flashing "the one, the one"

One time at a grocery store, there was a very attractive man with long silver hair, young looking but silver hair, his eyes and mine contacted about 10 times while we shopped, but I was dressed frumpy (as usual) and I never said a word, even when he ended up behind me in the grocery line. If I looked better at the moment I might have said something, as it is... whatever happened is gone and over... but really, what are the chances that there would ACTUALLY be a connection... I am so not romantic.

It's nice you are going power walking on the beach, but if you are like me you have a force field around you that deflects any and all attention.

Wish there was a way to just skip over all the frogs and meet the prince. Oh by the way I saw a book, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs, I skimmed it, it seemed funny as heck. I may go back and buy it.

I think they were just really lonely and perhaps had little experience meeting women on the internet, so they imagined that any woman who was willing to communicate with them was their long-sought destined love partner.

Yes, Patricia, in most cases I think this is it. I wonder how I attract them though, like flies.

I share your sentiment and that of Sage. The net is kind of an unusual medium, that has unusual effects on people. For instance, some of us have never met folks on this site...yet here we are safe behind our anonimity and baring our souls, and we're OK with that. OK...so imagine being in the check out line at the grocery store...we wouldn't turn around and start sharing our love lives w/the guy behind us buying tampons for his wife/gf, right? Why? Cuz there'e no anonymity.....and therein lies the rub....people can be someone else....people can only see ur virtues and non of one's vices. I have experienced that heady "from zero to panting in 60 seconds or less" feeling when I was on some dating sites. And you're right Swan...none of them were long lasting.....we'd meet and there was no spark. I personally feel that there are way too many closet serial daters on those sites......but having said that, I've also met a man who has become a dear, dear friend. I guess the diff was that early on we defined our relationship. I wasn't romantically interested in him...and I told him so....but I told him I'd love to become his friend. We have been friends for over a year, he calls me to check up on me just about every week. I've been there fir gun when someone has broken his heart, or just to lend an ear and he has been my rock thru some pretty dark hours. It was the best $25.00 investment, I ever made!!! LOL

the line that has the words "fir gun"(about 3/4 down the message), I have NO idea where that came from...it should read.....I've been there for him when someone has broken his heart......

sorry for the mixup.....

Originally posted by candygirl
the line that has the words "fir gun"(about 3/4 down the message), I have NO idea where that came from...it should read.....I've been there for him when someone has broken his heart......

sorry for the mixup.....

LOL, Freudian slip? just kidding. Yes I would be happy with a friend right now. Or someone who would take it real slow. But you are right, the online thing changes everything.

As I've had 7 great years of great male friendships behind me...concerning the net.

Do some of you "only" frequent personal ads to meet people online or has anyone joined non dating websites? For example : gaming sites, chatrooms that are topic oriented. Things where you meet people with common interests rather than someone looking for someone? I hope I'm making sense, cause I don't mean to judge. I was just really curious.

When I started on the net, I was married. So I have never once frequented a personal ad site. I did however find a Sci-Fi chatroom that I've had fun in and enjoyed for 7 years now. I've met oodles of fun people. We've gotten together for "unions" all over the globe. I have guys of all ages call me on a regular basis and we can just sit and talk for hours. It's just different I think...

Anyway, I was just wondering if that makes the difference? Where are you looking? :)

If I tell someone that I don't like smoking close to me, and still that person smokes, I just drop the whole thing, because I consider it as lack of consideration towards me.

If I tell a guy I don't want anything else than friendship, and then he insists that he's in love, even before we ever met, I find it a bit disturbing. Yes we can fall in love over the net, but knowing that the other person doesn't want it, we usually keep that for ourselves, don't we? At least by respect for the other's wish.

As I see it, maybe the solution would be to start taking longer to set meetings or going out on hiking or whatever, so that you have the time to select the guys who think like you and can take things slowly.

I suppose you see a possibility of love resulting from these activities together, otherwise I would tell you to find a female partner to join you. Love coming from a friendship sounds like a very good thing to me.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Swan
[B]

One time at a grocery store, there was a very attractive man with long silver hair, young looking but silver hair, his eyes and mine contacted about 10 times while we shopped, but I was dressed frumpy (as usual) and I never said a word, even when he ended up behind me in the grocery line. If I looked better at the moment I might have said something, as it is... whatever happened is gone and over... but really, what are the chances that there would ACTUALLY be a connection... I am so not romantic.


.I read in a book somewhere that whenever we go out we should ALWAYS fix ourselves up beforehand. Comb the hair, apply the makeup, etc... just in case something like the above happens. I don't do it, but I should. You never, never know when you will meet someone. I love the thread, Swan. It's nice to know that there are others out there that are experiencing the same thing. I just recently screwed up a situation because my walls were too high and too thick. I've gotten burned so many times in the past that I am very leary. This guy kept asking to make it something more and I kept resisting and the other day he called and he is back with his ex. Know what I'm doing now??? I'm grieving like he dumped me or something. I'm feeling very, very rejected, yet HE DID TRY. Intellectually I know this, but emotionally I am very sad and rejected. Can't win for lose. In the past when I have opened my heart up it's gotten stomped on. Now when I try to protect it I get rejected. It hurts no matter what you do and it sucks big time. I don't know the answer....for right now I just keep trying to get back in the game. I am hoping one day the want and desire will go away and I will be content living my life alone. I really, really want that day to happen....and soon.

I agree Marianne,
Swan has started a great thread here.

I have read too, that it is best to "look your best"
at all times, even running the most simple errands.
I wear make-up to work and that is when I do most
of my errands, before heading to work or coming home.
Going to work I look fetching, coming home-
I look like a rag.
Guess I could do a few "touch-ups" before
leaving work.
But what a pain to do that....
LOL

I have today off,
so maybe I should gussy myself up and run all
my errands?
I did power walk this morning in the pouring
down rain - not too many folks out today.
That will change though, when the weather gets
more pleasant.
My main goal with the walks is to get in shape,
not primarily to meet a man.
But come the nice weather,
there are so many fine guys there!!
(I can't wait)
Even if I don't hook up with a man,
the view will be quite enjoyable!!
:p

Another thing that isn't easy for me,
it that I am divorced from a man that all my
friends and family still view as "Mr. Wonderful".
Many have even suggested that I go back to him.
It is only in my weakest and most insecure
moments that I have second thoughts about
my choice to divorce him.
(Which is not very often)

He would love to have a
second chance, but it will never happen.
I'd rather live my life alone than be with him.
it's not because he is evil or a terrible person-
it is because I don't love him.
Period.
And I truly believe,
(with all my heart), that he does not
love me either, eventhough he refuses
to admit that himself.

My biggest problem,
and I have never admitted this to anyone,
is that I have this wonderful, creative imagination
and I dream up these perfect men in my mind
and come up with all kinds of loving and perfect
scenarious that I want for myself.
I have been trying to not do that so often
as I feel I am deluding myself and not facing reality.
I know that no man is perfect
and there are no perfect relationships,
but still I conjur up these visions in my mind to
keep me company at night.
These thoughts don't consume me during the day,
just at night as I "think" about so much while
trying to drift off to sleep.

Then there are times that I think I am
just a freak of nature and am not well suited
for anyone.
My ex used to say all that time that I was "whacked".
He mainly told me this when I was complaining about
the troubles in our marriage and trying desperately
to voice my deepest feelings on things.
I was always left there, alone, trying to evaluate
things with a man that looked to me as though I was
the local nut case.
It's hard to shed those feelings, even now.

All I want is a man to be able to reach in,
touch my heart, look in my eyes and then
tell me he understands.
That is all I have ever wanted.



<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/lilfairy.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">I don't want no one to squeeze me-
they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you
and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy
Give me one reason to stay here-
and I'll turn right back around
</FONT><FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Tracy Chapman</FONT>

Originally posted by Sage

Then there are times that I think I am
just a freak of nature and am not well suited
for anyone.


When I say stuff like that I get in trouble ;)


All I want is a man to be able to reach in,
touch my heart, look in my eyes and then
tell me he [b]understands.
That is all I have ever wanted.


*sigh* me too.

In answer to a few things brought up here....

Personally I have never gone to an "interest" site. Good Idea. But I have joined a backpackers email list and as soon as it gets warm I will join them on an overnighter.

This lastest guy was on "seniorfriendfinders" I liked the senior part because I thought it might keep away the "players" and the FRIEND finder part. Then like I said I put activity partner, and yes, I only picked men. So you could assume (rightfully) I am open to the possiblility for it to develop into more but like I said I stressed over and over friendship first.... so we will see. No one can accuse me of not stating what my intentions are.

In my case I don't think I've put up walls so much as I haven't had luck with my old technique and I want to do it differently. I am in no hurry.

I think my main point was hit on by several other people about the nature of online dating. How people fill in all their own blanks and then get mad at you when they discover they colored you wrong, like soooorrryy .... that's not my fault :D

I think that's what I have been seeing and why I am saying men start out liking me but then don't in a while. This happened before my last marriage too when I was single for 10 years and did this online dating or singles clubs. (same thing in a lot of ways) I had three one year relationships, two from singles groups and one from online (in addition to my three marriages, one from highschool, one from work, and one from online dating) Cept for one marriage I ended them all. Now in addition to that I have had about 20 casual relationships lasting from 2 weeks to 3 months. The guy ended all of them. Same then as now... they discovered they didn't like me.

Trick I think is to find a group and meet people that way, that is NOT a singles group but an activity group.

Sounds like Ive been busy doesn't it? But really out of the now 11 years I have been single I have actually had companionship (not always good) about 4 of those years. 7 years alone.

"Do some of you "only" frequent personal ads to meet people online or has anyone joined non dating websites? For example : gaming sites, chatrooms that are topic oriented. Things where you meet people with common interests rather than someone looking for someone?"

I agree with kymburlee. When single, I avoid dating sites as I have never met anything but somewhat strange people through them. But I have met lots of interesting people - of both genders - on discussion groups about things that interest me.

Ok so I met my "activity partner" today.

Very nice man. We went for a 6 mile hike. We have spoken on the phone about 5 times and emailed a few weeks.

You remember I was looking for a FRIEND.

Well he is totally in love with me, I am the ying to his yang, I am the answer to his prayers, I am the seat of his soul.

I am the most beautiful woman in the world, I have a smile that could kill and eyes you get lost in.

NOW DON'T KILL ME PEACHY... but what the F?

I like him too, but where was the friendship phase? Was that somewhere between hello and what trail should we go on?

I'm torn between wanting to believe that somehow he has a keener sense of compatibility than I do... or he is just like all the rest...seeing in me what they WANT but not what I AM.

If you liked him, and enjoyed the time you spent with him, then why not continue to see him? A little male worship is good for the female soul....

(As long as you can keep the brakes on his eagerness, that is!)

Yes Sally... the title to my Ad on the board was FRIENDSHIP FIRST and many many times I told him... I don't want an instant relationship... many many times I said I want a FRIEND. I put down in the ad I was looking for an ACTIVITY PARTNER.

NO ONE HEARS THIS... NO ONE.

Originally posted by Savannah
If you liked him, and enjoyed the time you spent with him, then why not continue to see him? A little male worship is good for the female soul....

(As long as you can keep the brakes on his eagerness, that is!)

LOL you crack me up... so I should just let myself be worshiped.

Well ok... I see what you are saying... that would feel good.

You are too much.

Hey, I'm the one who pegged him as exceptionally perceptive back on the first pg...... I just happen to think he's got great taste!

And I'm assuming 1) you're not getting Psycho Stalker vibes from the guy, and 2) he doesn't want to go shopping for an engagement ring in the next couple of weeks.

Note that I am NOT saying to use him for his admiration -- I'm saying don't write him off just because he seems to be skipping over the friend step.

Originally posted by Savannah
Hey, I'm the one who pegged him as exceptionally perceptive back on the first pg...... I just happen to think he's got great taste!

And I'm assuming 1) you're not getting Psycho Stalker vibes from the guy, and 2) he doesn't want to go shopping for an engagement ring in the next couple of weeks.

Note that I am NOT saying to use him for his admiration -- I'm saying don't write him off just because he seems to be skipping over the friend step.

noted what you are saying... I want to believe he actually sees something in me... but I will wait for the final judgement..

Odd it's never me that falls hole hog.... and ends up disappointed... it's the men

Savannah, have I told you lately that I love you? I should from the say something nice thread. But I don't go there. Just know I do.

Sally I also want to say, I haven't known you very long but you are one GREAT addition to this site.... I am so glad you are here.

I love your posts, ALL of them.

Awww...... I like the spontaneous "I love you"'s best!

And I'm getting awfully darned fond of Sally too (and I don't just say that because she's got a hockey stick!)

GROUP HUG!!

Damn, it's hard to type with a thimble on your thumb.

Swan - I'm jumping between threads here, but it's about your activity partner. I recently read an article in an old women's magazine and it was called "Diet Like A Man" it was a bunch of yadayada about how men don't tend to eat emotionally, make bets about losing the weight, take it as a challenge, etc etc. In the end the gal wound up having a personal trainer that tripped her trigger and the pounds just melted off. Her conclusion to the whole article was NOT to diet LIKE a man but to diet WITH a man - sooooo...maybe those 10lbs will just melt right off you with the proper motivation(I think worship would classify as motivation!)

I was in bed (and in love) with my YM within 4 hours of meeting him. Whether that makes me me very qualified or very *disqualified* from adding my two cents here, I guess you'll have to decide for yourself. :-)

I think it was W.H. Auden who wrote: "Love, like truth and sleep, resents / approaches that are too intense." I think that's most often the case. But there are other times when Cupid leaves aside the bow-and-arrow and hefts a rocket launcher on his chubby little shoulder.

What happens after the fireball burns out and the smoke blows away, that has a lot more to do with the people involved than the speed of their coming together. A good man isn't going to become a creep (or vice versa) probably ever - let alone over the span of a traditional courtship.

Heck Swan - Just tell him that you AREN'T in love with him after one date and if he wants to hang around and see if your feelings start to develop over time, that he's more then welcome to, but at the moment he's just a friend.

A sane guy will say OK and a lunatic will run away.

Good way to see exactly what kind of dude you're dealing with :>

OK a little update and it's late so this will be short.

Our hike together was phenominal... our conversations are what I dream about, so many connections on so many levels.

Our dreams for the future, a cabin on the mountains.. his dream is Hawaii of course because that is where he is from.

Our deep deep love of the forest and nature... misty moonlight, thunderstorms... the rivers and waterfalls, animals, nature.

Our opinions about religion and spirituality.

He is getting his master's degree so he can prepare online courses, I am getting my master's degree so I can teach them, both in Information Technology.

We have both taught adults in vocational education.

So I can't blame him for seeing something in me because I am rare among women that I would MUCH prefer to sleep out in the wilderness to sleeping in a hotel or on a cruise ship.

I have known him for almost a month now and there has never been anything but good communication.... my last relationship was 90% fights.

He told me tonight he will do whatever is within his human power to keep me in his life on whatever level I feel comfortable with. He said it was like having one of those 1000 piece puzzles and one piece was missing and all of a sudden you find it under the table... I am that piece.

I see you for the loving, caring person you are... and how strongly you feel about building friendship first and at your own speed of comfort....yet I keep getting glimpes of something beyond your words and think to myself...she really wants to be loved. She's scared.

What do you really want? As you mentioned in your pm...is venturing out prematurely before fully healing contributing to the confusion? Is the long term plan in your head and that's what you act upon? OR, is it in your heart and sending subconcious messages?

YES I'm sure this is all true... you are SO WISE.

Originally posted by Trish
As far as older men....there could be alot of truth to the fact that they see their own mortality. I've dated quite a few men my own age recently.....but I've never had the experiences that Swan's having, where they immediately think they're in love with me. OMG! Maybe I should be getting a complex! I really LIKE the man I'm seeing now, and I want him to be head over heels in love with me! So far, I'm not getting that! Three months into it and I know he likes me and is attracted to me, but that's about it. Now I'm depressed! ;)

There is a lot to be said for the slow and steady course and I think you are on the right course. Maybe I'm more... generically correct for the first week or two.. then all hell breaks loose... LOL

The man you are seeing now is the one for you, he is a good man taking a good and decent time. I usually date sickos, and despite the wonderful things I just said, this guy has BIG issues...

Um, Ness, darlin', sorry, but, ROFL. . .subscriptions?

Ok ok you sillies... back to the last REAL post... Trish... yes I would have issues with non communication too, if that is due to his illness, well ok but I think it was happening before his illness. He seems like a sterling character.. and this illness hasn't helped matters any...but he needs to come to the plate with you.

Can I gloat here for a minute.. just a wee minute?

Our plans for Saturday include another hike, Merlot in coke bottles so we don't get caught, cheese, crackers, grapes and apples.

I can't tell you the level of communication and friendship we share.

So far no physical contact.

Slow and easy, no expectations.... I'm liking it.

The hike and the picnic were wonderful. We also went antiquing, watched a movie cd, and had dinner.

He is in the .. you are so wonderful I have to have you phase. I know some of you think this is great and I shouldn't push him away.

I'm not really I don't think. But .. just dubious. I went to his home and it is a palace compared to mine. He is anal retentive neat and I am... well I think normal.. not too neat... He is well off I am poverty stricken... He is a gourmet cook, I can make stew.

We won't see each other again for a couple weeks due to work schedules but he is supposed to come to my house next....

Like I said so far the friendship has been wonderful but I am afraid when he sees how I live, two dogs, pyscho parakeet, (I keep the cage open and he loves to swoop down on peoples heads, I love it) troublesome teen, dilapitated home, he will run for the hills.

I'm sorry... sounds negative.. just my life is such chaos I can't believe anyone would chose to be part of it.

But the friendship is great and if I can just have a hiking partner, then that would be fine with me.

Originally posted by sally
You should just get on that bike and RIDE it, sister!

Pedaling at your own speed of course!

Swan, what he sees and is so enamoured of, is YOU.
Everything else is peripheral.

Don't make comparisons...you have the greatest wealth...a beautiful heart and mind!

how did you get so wise? AND FUNNY... you are the greatest Sally I am SO glad you are here, but I have said that before.

Just glad you are here.

But stop being so critical of yourself.

You are an awesome woman. Some people are such great judges of character that they can fall for someone in a matter of hours. Others due to past issues need more time, its understandable. But just accept this friendship for what it is without looking for a hole in the lining.

Can I ask what are your expectations for this relationship. do you really want a friendship, a friendship w/benefits or just a friendship for now, with possible long term relationship at a later time. i'm not sure I understand why all the analyzing.

believe in yourself and in the ability you have to make friends feel wonderful around you. Its been a month you said, if he hasn't bolted in the first 2 weeks, this one may be a keeper.

Paris

and had to think about it, as I feel Leda's feelings (that began the thread) may be everywoman's and everyman's at one point in time. I know personally that I have been guilty of this. I also agree with our new sage and humorist, Sally whole heartedly....and from what I know of you Leda and your past relationships/friendhips with men, this is the first one that IS ON YOUR WAVE LENGTH/LEVEL in so MANY areas. The first "adreline rush" or thrill of a connection online is usually due to one or two common ground areas as you are so excited that you found someone like yourself.....but then when the whole person is revealed, it often falls apart. But this man, DOES sound like the ying to your yang, (as he mentioned even before you met which would have made me dubious as well) .... intellectually, physically (the hiking part I mean, for now! ;) ) and emotionally... but it also looks like you have some differences that just may add to the attraction! Go at your own pace and enjoy....and get your house ready for when he comes over. AND be sure to clean under the table, for you just may find that puzzle piece you both have been searching for! :D

Linda

Originally posted by irparis
Can I ask what are your expectations for this relationship. do you really want a friendship, a friendship w/benefits or just a friendship for now, with possible long term relationship at a later time. i'm not sure I understand why all the analyzing.

I am analyzing because I really just didn't want to get into an instant relationship which has been my pattern in life. The only relationship I have had that wasn't instant was with my recent ex husband. All the rest have been "love" withing a few weeks and it drives me NUTS and it doesn't work so I tried REAL hard to find someone who will give it time. To get to know each other. I posted for an activity partner and expected to meet a FEW. Well I only met ONE. The rest of the people on that site despite what the ad says really just want sex. I mean they even POST that. I truly truly wanted to change my pattern. That is what this is all about.

And even though I am TOTALLY on the ground in this situation he is UP IN THE AIR. Only good thing is it does't seem to bother him. He hasn't dated in four years. So its not like he is a relationship aholic. I know one thing I DO NOT want is a friend with benefits. But why I am anlyzing is because.. well for example he has an extra stove and refrigerator in his garage he was going to sell, now he put it in storage so we can have it for "our" house. He is planning to take me to Hawaii in July. He is trying to figure out how we can be together despite the distance, my son, his job, his house, my job. I told him to just relax and let things run their course.

Admittedly when I posted for an activity partner I only posted for men... and I stated over and over that I wanted to be friends first, not instant love. And I MEAN IT.

But of course I would love to be in love.

I think one of the best things for me in this situation is that we live far enough apart and his work schedule means we can only see each other about one day a week. So it HAS to progress slowly. And now since we both have to work Easter weekend I won't see him for two weeks.

:( A neat freak? That could be trouble. My boyfriend is one. He can't stand to have an unwashed dish in the sink. My (our) house is messy (it is clean, though) and it is a constant source of conflict between us. Even though I accept his hygienic and housekeeping faults, he doesn't accept mine. He wants a house that looks like a furniture store and I want one that looks like people live there.

Originally posted by suicideblonde
But this man, DOES sound like the ying to your yang, (as he mentioned even before you met which would have made me dubious as well) .... intellectually, physically (the hiking part I mean, for now! ;) ) and emotionally... but it also looks like you have some differences that just may add to the attraction! Go at your own pace and enjoy....and get your house ready for when he comes over. AND be sure to clean under the table, for you just may find that puzzle piece you both have been searching for! :D

Linda

I could clean for a century and not have a house like his LOL

Yes he does seem like a real match in many ways and so many people have said when you stop looking you'll find it and that is what may have happened but I REALLY WANT TO DO IT RIGHT. I do not want another one month relationship. So I will "ride my bike at my own pace" and not be rushed.

Originally posted by Patricia
:( A neat freak? That could be trouble. My boyfriend is one. He can't stand to have an unwashed dish in the sink. My (our) house is messy (it is clean, though) and it is a constant source of conflict between us. Even though I accept his hygienic and housekeeping faults, he doesn't accept mine. He wants a house that looks like a furniture store and I want one that looks like people live there.

Patricia this is my one biggest concern. Maybe I SHOULDN'T clean my house before he comes and give him a reality shock.

He SWEARS that he LOVES to clean and cook and that I could do whatever I want and he would do all that because he ENJOYS it. But I have to say his house made me uncomfortable. I mean I didn't want to use the neatly arranged towels in his bathroom, I dried my hands on my pants.

So yes I hear you Patricia, there is no furniture store in my house. Even if I try.

Tip for you, Swan. When you are ready to have him over, just clean the house, especially the kitchen and bathrooms. Don't try to put away everything except for easy stuff like clothes. Just put the other stuff like mail and paperwork, etc., into fairly neat stacks. That way, he will see that you are clean, but just disorganized and overwhelmed because of your busy single-mom life. You don't want to have the house in perfect order for him because you don't live that way. It would be like lying.

Originally posted by Swan
But I have to say his house made me uncomfortable. I mean I didn't want to use the neatly arranged towels in his bathroom, I dried my hands on my pants.
LOL!! Too funny!

The biggest bone of contention between the ex-who-is-still-my-bud and I is that he is a neat freak and I am not. And contentious enough that we absolutely couldn't live together. But that was just us.

I say Be Real; it never hurts.

Originally posted by Swan
I mean I didn't want to use the neatly arranged towels in his bathroom

Now, what was that movie?:eek: ;)

Originally posted by SaltwaterBlues
Now, what was that movie?:eek: ;)

No idea Salt, you tell me.

I've been reading through this thread, Swan, and I know where you're coming from. I distrust "instant" relationships myself -- even if we seem to be getting along perfectly from Day One, I'd rather slow it down so I can catch my breath and recover my equilibrium.

Having said that (and I could be way off here), it sounds to me like you're trying to predict where this relationship is likely to go, right off the bat. You're trying to peer around corners that are still miles away in the distance, and analyzing everything from his neat house to the way he drinks his Merlot to pick up a clue -- ANY clue -- about how "safe" it is to invest in any kind of emotional connection with this man.

The problem with this approach is that you're trying to do too much with too little information, and if you keep inspecting every little detail as it comes along, you take the risk of missing the whole picture.

I think you need to relax and enjoy just being appreciated for now. Lean back and go into passive information-gathering mode. He is an intriguing painting in a gallery, a promising library book, a sample of delightful cologne. You don't have to take him home yet -- just enjoy him for now and see where it goes. Later, much later, you can decide whether you want to invest more into this relationship, or simply chalk it up as a worthwhile encounter and a valuable life-experience. :)

Hope that makes sense... :rolleyes:

ScarletHawke

WELCOME by the way.

You are very right. But the reason I am so analyzing is because of HIS insistance that this is so right.

I am very happy just walking around and seeing things and learning things.

I think some people on this thread are seeing me as trying to figure out if it would work as a couple but that is ONLY because HE is seeing us as a couple.

For the FIRST time in my life I don't want to do that... so your input is EXACTLY what I am trying to do.

EDIT: I also want to say, though it has turned out this way, that the intention of this thread was not ME... but instant relationships in GENERAL... many of us have had them, so that is what I was aiming at.

Things are actually fine with me and things are progressing at the slow rate I want at this time. We are friends.

Great. Stay in that groove, sister, and you'll be just fine. ;)

For him, he might have meet his soul mate...I think its great that he's so perceptive as to see what most of us see here about you. You're a super woman and you can't control his choice to move forward with his thoughts, feelings, and actions, you can only control you.

When he starts to talk about your future, let him talk it. Let him know you're not thinking about the future right now, would he mind if you only thought about the present. You may be surprise, he just may give you that time.

I have a friend who knew after a month that he was in love with his wife and was going to marry her. She wasn't at all sure, for one the age gap with them 15 years between them (she 22 and he 37) and although she had strong feelings for him, she wasn't sure it was love. 2 months after they met, they got engage, it was a shock to me as he knew she wasn't in love with him but he said something interesting...he said she trusted in his love for her to carry them both until she could strengthen her own feelings for him. I thought it a risk, but 5 months after they met they got married, they've been married for 17 years now, their 2 kids are teens. I recently saw them at the funeral of a dear friend, just as much in love with each other as he had always known they would be.

I know you don't want to run away with your own feelings, you want to hold a part of them back, keeping yourself safe and that's ok. Its not easy taking a risk that may leave you emotionally exhausted, but at least trust in the fact that he knows what he's feeling. Life is so full of surprises, I'm keeping my fingers cross that this will be your surprise.

Paris

Originally posted by Swan
Patricia this is my one biggest concern. Maybe I SHOULDN'T clean my house before he comes and give him a reality shock.
He SWEARS that he LOVES to clean and cook and that I could do whatever I want and he would do all that because he ENJOYS it. But I have to say his house made me uncomfortable. I mean I didn't want to use the neatly arranged towels in his bathroom, I dried my hands on my pants.


Dating a clean freak would, well,..freak me out!
Geeesh, most men that I have dated,
the only towel I could find in their bathroom was
usually a used one in a damp wad on the floor,
(or there weren't any in the bathroom at all)

When I see a man that has a clean house-
I see a man that wants everthing in his life in
perfect order, and that includes his "woman".
I did date a clean freak for a bit
and every Saturday morning, he would fill a bucket
with amonia and water, get on his rubber gloves
and wipe everything down in his house.
(He was also a hopeless hypochondriac)

This man hated dust, wouldn't have pets
because of pet hair and potential fleas, and
I couldn't get him to even consider a trip camping with me.
He was quite handsome, very intelligent and even
had a fun sense of humor at times,
but it wasn't enough to keep me interested.

He also wanted to control too much
of our relationship and didn't give me the
chance to choose where we went and things like that.

Inviting him to my house mortified me
as I am such a clutter bug.

I'd be a bit uneasy dating a clean freak Swan,
but take it one date at a time.
Not all clean freaks are control freaks.


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Point taken but no he does not sound AT ALL like your guy. He went to military school and was in the army. HE SWEARS he just enjoys it but does not demand it of others, he knows I have two dogs and his mother had a dog. He is the most noncontrolling person I have ever met, sometimes I wish for more input from him but everything is whatever I want.

And you know our common interest is hiking, when he backpacks he doesn't even bring a tent or sleeping bag. He says when it rains he hikes nude so he has dry clothes later (he hikes alone and in the wilderness) Should be some interesting trips ahead ;)