Got dumped but why?

Enlightened souls,

I have been seeing a 48-year old woman for about a month. I am 39. Things were going great including sex. Professionally she is a Mary Kay sales director. Not that it matters but just more info.

Last night I was told of a great Latin dance joint; so I thought to pay her a visit and see if she would like to do some moves. Since I did not have my cell with me I just cruised to her place. Her apartment light was on but there was a car in the driveway besides her. I did not know if knocking on the door was appropriate without realizing who it was. So from a distance (in the darkness of the night) I tried to get a peek of people inside the apartment since the blinds were partially open. I only saw her. As far as I can tell she did not spot me because I was at a distance. So unable to figure out I just left and did not visit the dance place.

Returning to my home, there was a message from her stating she does not want to see me anymore. I called back and left a message that it was fine by me but I would like to pick up some of my things at her place. She called back today (knowing fully well that I won’t be home) and left a message that I can pickup my things tomorrow afternoon when she will leave them outside her apartment.

Now, I am at a total loss at what happened. At the worst, if she did see me she would have asked for my explanation as to what was going on.

Of course, I will pickup my things tomorrow but I am leaning towards no contact with her whatsoever. However, I would love to hear your analysis of the situation as regards what the hell happened. Enlighten me, please.

Dang bro, she seems like a *****!!! Don't even go back there! She sounds way immature!!! And to not even give you an explanation??? Dude, you dont' need that, move on bro!!! There's someone better out there for you that actually acts like a woman and knows how to treat a man!

Good luck!

Greetings Full Circle,

The only thing I can think of
is that maybe she did somehow see
you outside her apartment,
or possibly someone else did and told her.

If that is the case,
I think she should have confronted you about it.
(I would have handled it that way and I'm 47)

I would say it is over and to move on.
There are many other women out there and
from the pic of your avatar,
you shouldn't have trouble attracting women.

I can see why you are wondering though...
try not to lose any sleep over it.

Oh-
in the future,
it might not be such a good idea
to do that again outside a girlfriend's place.
It does come off kind of creepy even if
it was an innocent act.

Next time-
go right up to the door and knock.
Being open and up front is always the best way.




<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/lilfairy.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">I don't want no one to squeeze me-
they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you
and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy
Give me one reason to stay here-
and I'll turn right back around
</FONT><FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Tracy Chapman</FONT>

Originally posted by blondie
Do you have her email address? Maybe she could explain her decision better in a letter. Not that it would make you feel wonderful, but it could clear up your confusion over the break up.

In my voicemail message, I did mention that if she did not want to talk then she could at least let me know via e-mail. Obviously this has gone with no result.

The reason for my pain comes more from the confusion. She has been an extremely loving and kind woman.

All of my friends (many women) believe that it is highly unlikely that she would breakup in such a harsh manner if she did spot me outside. Invariably everyone believes that there was someone else in the picture. She had mentioned to me about three weeks back that her ex wants to take her to Las Vegas. I simply kept quite and didn't say anything.

Besides, she had mentioned reservations about our age difference early on fearing I might go for younger women (since she has never dated any one this young in the past).

As regards contacting her, I prefer not to initiate it as it will come across as wussy behavior.

Just more info for your analysis to guide me through.

Thanks to you all for making some sense of it.

Hi Fullcircle...I don't have anything to add. Whatever you decide to do....go out gracefully. Someone has to be the adult here.....good luck!

As regards contacting her, I prefer not to initiate it as it will come across as wussy behavior.

Hmm, this statement perturbs me. Do I sense the shark's fin of machismo?

It would certainly be credible to send a polite email message requesting an explanation AFTER you pick up your stuff (why do you have stuff there if you guys just met a month ago?). It sounds out of character for her to just dump you, but since you have only dated for a month, you don't really know her very well. Also, if she became aware that you were peeking around that night. she may interpret it differently than you do.

Unfortunately, it seems that you need to move on and just tread more carefully next time. You are lucky that this happened before more time had passed and you were more emotionally involved.

Anyway, welcome to Ageless! Please do stick around and join in the posting.

Originally posted by Patricia
Hmm, this statement perturbs me. Do I sense the shark's fin of machismo?

The reason for my not inclined to contact her was simply because I have left her messages in the past seeking what happened; at the same time wishing her the best.

Continuos contact without reciprocity is not worthwhile when all I am desiring is an explanation.

I am just as puzzled by her change in attitude. Just being outside her apartment, in my opinion, does not warrant such a behavior particularly when I am not a stranger.

As regards my things, they were photographic equipment since I had taken her pictures and left them there to do some more.

P.S.: I just came back from her place after picking up my things that were left outside the apartment. She had changed the time from afternoon to morning. Interestingly she has returned everything that I had given her even as a gift and our pictures together. Returning home, I simply left her a message thanking her for my things while expressing my sadness that she returned other items as well (given to her). As before, I suggested that she can always reach me via e-mail.

As I see it, there is nothing I can do to further open the channel.

Well Full Circle,
my guess is that she, (or someone else),
saw you outside her apartment that night or
her ex is back in her life and she is ridding herself
of all ties with you in order to rekindle something
with the ex.

Either way, it's obviously over
and you would do best to not inquire any
further about it.
In returning the gifts you gave her
and photos of you and her,
yes, she is telling you that she wants
no more contact whatsoever.

Hard to say if she is angry or what?
If she was aware of you outside her apartment,
she may have been frightened by that
or felt that you were intruding upon her privacy-
especially if her ex was visiting her at the time.
Or it could be that her and the ex have
decided to have a fresh start and she has no
choice but to sever the relationship in a
quick snip.
Whichever is the case,
she does not want to face you with it-
that is obvious.

You have left an email and that is all you can do.
Maybe in time, she will get back to you-
but my guess, is you won't hear back from her on this,
I know how puzzling these type situations are,
but there is not much more you can do except to
accept it and move along.

I would be wary in the future if she were
to contact you and initiate seeing you socially again.
She could very well pull the same stunt.

Once again,
don't ever stand outside a woman's home
in the hopes of trying to see what she is doing
inside- it is a creepy act and can be misinterpreted
very easily by her and her neighbors.

Good luck, and yes, do post more often after this!



<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/lilfairy.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">I don't want no one to squeeze me-
they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you
and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy
Give me one reason to stay here-
and I'll turn right back around
</FONT><FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Tracy Chapman</FONT>

I would not contact her anymore, or you might be accused of harassing her, especially if she has really thought you were spying on her that evening.

Since she doesn't want any dialogue, I would just protect my own side from now on. Take care. You did something innocent that may have been seen differently; now don't get yourself into trouble. She may have her reasons to be so scared, maybe something in her past.

I met someone here on ageless once that would never give any private information. I accepted it because I had no reasons not to, but with time I started to feel like I was giving too much.

The person knew so much about me, my location, my complete name, my phone number, and while I was exchanging postcards with practically unknown members, this person would not even give me a PO box number so that I could send a Christmas card (I sent so many, the last one arrived to Genevieve about two or three weeks ago! :eek: ). It seems that that person had been harassed by a woman in the past and was very scared that I could do the same.

At one point I knew I had to stop because I felt that there was no reciprocity in the friendship and that it was not okay. I started to be afraid of that person; not that they would harass me, but that they might take anything I say in a bad way and in future accuse me of something.

Some people are way beyond being careful, they are paranoid. It's not their fault, they have to get treatment, but I'm not risking my well-being either.

I very thankful to everyone for the insight. It is unfortunate how misunderstandings could easily develop from innocent acts. This is the reason and relevance of communication. That's why, I believe if she had skepticism/fear she could very easily have cleared it up by a conversation rather than prejudging things.

It is not my ego that is hurting rather the feeling that I could have been the source of pain/demise of something that could have been promising.

On the other hand, I may be completely innocent if the decision to be with her ex was already made. My presence was simply a coincidence without any consequence.

Fullcircle.....as I read the posts from the wonderful people and your responses....one thing comes through loud and clear. You want to know why. That's a perfectly normal thing. After a failed relationship we all want to know why, why this, why that, as if knowing could mend the relationship or help us move on. Knowing the why doesn't do either.

There could be a million or one thing(s) that caused the woman in question to end things the way she did(very immature, by the way). It is very apparent that she no longer wishes ANY kind of communication between you as evidenced by returning everything you've gifted her with....and the reasons don't really matter. Is she planning a reconciliation w/her ex? Possibly. Is she wanting to move on? Maybe. Is she realizing the spark isn't there between you two? Perhaps. Was it anything you did? Most likely not. Does she want to be alone? That's obvious.......now does knowing any of these why's fix anything? Nope.

The why's don't matter......it JUST IS!!!! Move on and keep your heart open!

I don't think the standing outside was a big thing.. in my eyes, he was trying not to be rude and intrude on her and only stood back from a distance which is public property, not on her lawn peering in her window. Perhpas a knock at the door would have been even more of an intrusion since he was not invited. ???

I was once left by a man who went back to his ex ( which by the ex wants to take her to Las Vegas seems to be the best bet ) We were together on Thursday... I had a birthday party planned for him for Saturday, even went out with his kids and bought presents... made his favorite cake, dinner etc... he didn't show up.

When I called his house a woman answered, his ex... they got back together on Friday. NOT ONE WORD.

I had dated him for 3 months.

I also don't blame you for wanting to know the whys, her behavior was below rude, inconsiderate, immature, ... and on and on. I'm sure it hurts a lot and you wonder what you may have done wrong. Truly, and this may not sound good, I doubt if you were ever in the picture as much as you think you were... I think this was always on the back burner.

I don't think it has anything to do with you being outside. MHO.

Originally posted by Swan
I don't think the standing outside was a big thing.

I agree, being outside is not a huge thing,
but if he was spotted out there while the ex
was visiting-
who knows what thoughts came about for this woman?
(and the ex)

As for me,
if I spotted a man I was dating outside my home
trying to get a look in the window-
I'd be upset.
But that is just me.
My feelings is that anyone I am dating
has the freedom to come and knock at my
door at anytime.
Sure, I may not be "ready' for a surprise
visit by him, but I'd rather him come to the door
than try to look through my windows.


In Full Circle's case,
I am leaning towards the ex having
the main influence in all of it.


<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/lilfairy.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">I don't want no one to squeeze me-
they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you
and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy
Give me one reason to stay here-
and I'll turn right back around
</FONT><FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Tracy Chapman</FONT>

Standing outside should be no big deal..not like he was trying to come through the window or anything...sorry for the way she handled it when a human heart was at stake...she was selfish.
peace

A very pretty lady.
Although I am a bit taken with why
you would post her photo for all of us see.
Hmmmmm.

Maybe you should just go and
ask her why she has severed your
relationship so bluntly.
What could it hurt?
It might be uncomfortable,
(most likely will be quite uncomfortable),
but I get the feeling that you really need to know.

That is what I would do.
Walk right up to the person and
ask them why.
(if it were bothering me that much)


<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/lilfairy.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">I don't want no one to squeeze me-
they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you
and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy
Give me one reason to stay here-
and I'll turn right back around
</FONT><FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Tracy Chapman</FONT>

Originally posted by Sage
A very pretty lady.
Although I am a bit taken with why
you would post her photo for all of us see.
Hmmmmm.

I have no malice in any form. The photo is just to exhibit that she not only is pretty but an excellent individual as well. This contradictory behavior is what makes the puzzle.

Should I ask her? I guess not since it will only make her more uncomfortable, something I will never subject her to.

I have learned something from all this and intend to enrich my life with. However, our society will be much better if only we could communicate as and when needed. Healing is not only therapeutic but enriching as well only if we could know or be told where to improve.

Full Circle-
I didn't think that you posted
her picture with malice in mind at all.

It just got me to thinking that you
are more attached to the relationship with her
than I had first thought in reading your initial posts.

Yes, confronting her
would mostly likey cause her a great deal of discomfort
and if you want to spare her that,
then you are left with the possibility of never
knowing the "true" reasons for it all.
Of course,
you could confront her and not get the
true reasons either.
It could bring you even more frustration.
(and pain in seeing her)

No one knows what is best for you-
but you.

I bet next time
you march right up to the front door
and knock, eh?
::: wink :::

I should hope so my friend....



<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/lilfairy.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">I don't want no one to squeeze me-
they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you
and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy
Give me one reason to stay here-
and I'll turn right back around
</FONT><FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Tracy Chapman</FONT>

Peace and tranquility are eternal as long we communicate in the age of internet. ;)

Full Circle,

You will probably never get any answers, and like you, I always seek to find out the why's.

I wish you the best and in time you will be able to move on.

Take Care

Summer,

I am afraid you are right. The reason I wanted to know is simply to profit from any mistakes that I might have made. Frankly, this community has enriched me more. Of course, we will never know what went wrong but the moral of the whole incident is one should be able to relate the facts (no matter how painful) to the other party.

Pain will always be there due to the nature but at least it will serve as a learning experience. Of course, the latter will only happen when pointed out.

So, now you are unattached. Why don't you check out the Ageless dating site? There are lots of very nice members here who are available for a relationship.

Well I am not unlike you.. I went back online to track down my online hoax to reveal that he was indeed a hoax... found out he was.. talked to him and another woman who he also bamboozled... So yes.. it ate at my craw until I could get some admission of guilt... which I finally did.

So now I know the truth... really doesn't do much for me.. I mean I knew I was duped just didn't know how far... now I know how far... doesn't make me feel better... but at least I know I did nothing wrong and there isn't some poor soldier out there heartbroken because I'm not waiting for him like I promised (there was no soldier)

Don't know if you will get the same thing but I certainly understand the feeling that you just want to confront someone... the situtation that I gave you before about the guy who left me for his ex... well I did call him at work.. just to have closure.

Just not sure closure always feels so good....

Swan,

Very articulate expression.

I probably will not confront her because it will be involuntary. And besides my consistent admiration for her certain qualities, her respect has seriously eroded in my eyes.

And frankly, when she is unexpectedly confronted who knows what justification she will give and how valid. Maybe, like you aptly said, she never saw me. So in that case, she will not bring it up but neither will she her ex. Conclusively, it could be a lame reason.

All I am interested in is truth so I could learn from where I went wrong. But if there is no truth then it defeats all the purpose. Doesn't it?

so many of us reach out in trust and hope... vulnerability. Truthfulness and giving... perhaps a little naive... but naive only because we could not ever imagine doing wrong to another.

When someone treats us like your lady treated you.. I mean if you are the kind of person I think you are... you feel like you were hit on the blindside by a truck... totally beyond your comprehension...so you try to make some sense of it... and maybe it is just that this person had much less regard for the feelings of others than a good and decent person would.

So if you don't get an answer, and many of us here haven't in similar circumstances... you may grow a tougher skin.... well a tougher skin isn't all bad if it keeps out infection... but just don't let it keep out pleasure.

Very well put swan...I agree with your logic.
peace

If she didn't tell you why, then that's it. Nothing more you can do or say. Some people are thoughtful and will tell their feelings. Others have issues of cowardice, selfishness, narcissism - it doesn't matter. They won't budge. Because few others truly matter to them - they mostly see themselves and no one around them in the truest sense.

You are fortunate that she left you early on. I feel sorry for the next poor soul.

I doubt very much she saw you in the window. And I don't think it was any big deal.

I think she left you for an ex.

You didn't do anything wrong. You're fine. Forget it and move on. Thank your lucky stars.

Cindy

Thank you, Cindy. I hope you are right.

I sincerely admire the knowledge offered in this forum.

Just out of curiosity (to everyone), does the power structure in OW/YM relationship tend to lean toward the OW woman? In my first such relationship (which ended last week), I always felt that imbalance i.e., she never offered to pay for dining out whenever we went for it (not that I would have let her but it would have been a courteous gesture). Similarly she would be domineering in conversations. Not to mention, I was the one who had suggested getting exclusive rather than her. Of course, she always accepted the various propositions but the initiative was always mine.

So, does this age-related upper hand also translates into domination in relationship? In other words, does the elder person see the younger one as immature (or whatever) and tends to imbalance the equation?

Just wondering since I am very new to this OW/YM thing.

Thanks to you all!

Originally posted by Nessa
NOT all age gap relationships are like yours. Not all older women are the same. Not all women are the same. AGE does not matter.

Good to learn that. In the current aftermath, I was thinking maybe I should shy away from OW/YM liasion. Needless to say, OW (including the one I was with) are very supportive and understanding. Could be that wisdom does come with age in most cases.

Originally posted by Full circle
Thank you, Cindy. I hope you are right.

I sincerely admire the knowledge offered in this forum.

Just out of curiosity (to everyone), does the power structure in OW/YM relationship tend to lean toward the OW woman? In my first such relationship (which ended last week), I always felt that imbalance i.e., she never offered to pay for dining out whenever we went for it (not that I would have let her but it would have been a courteous gesture). Similarly she would be domineering in conversations. Not to mention, I was the one who had suggested getting exclusive rather than her. Of course, she always accepted the various propositions but the initiative was always mine.

So, does this age-related upper hand also translates into domination in relationship? In other words, does the elder person see the younger one as immature (or whatever) and tends to imbalance the equation?

Just wondering since I am very new to this OW/YM thing.

Thanks to you all!

NOT AT ALL... in my last OW/YM relationship which lasted only about 1.5 months I PAID FOR EVERYTHING... to the tune of about $1000 which I can't afford by the way.

I don't dominate conversations, that is a personality trait not an age trait.

No I couldn't dominate a flea if I tried... I would let it suck my blood.... LOL

I am 52

Originally posted by Full circle
In the current aftermath, I was thinking maybe I should shy away from OW/YM liasion.

Never focus on age, but on the person. If you find a good person, don't look at their ages. Age is just a number, unless it's underage. ;)

Originally posted by captain1997
Know this when you engage in a relationship with someone. What they do for a living is what they bring to the relationship table.

My point is that her job traits carried over to her relationship in some capacity.

See, that's why when I say "undress please" it's just innocent! :p

But I agree completely with Captain here, there's certainly a lot of contamination from my job that I bring to my relationship. I have to control myself sometimes, it's not romantic at all. :(

I tend to talk to my family, friends and partner in the way I would talk to a patient, and some hate it (I can understand them). This eternal attitude of wanting to take care of people may be extremely unwelcome to others, and I sometimes have to fight the urge. It has become easier now, but I still do it from time to time. :)

Oh, really?

I didn't know that thinking of me was weird, especially when it's about women with a "bossy" job. :rolleyes: I thought it was for Pinkster!

But you're welcome, always ;)

:D

Since when you worry about threads being kidnapped? :rolleyes: :D :p

But yes, since our friend Full Circle is new, let's not scare him. PM me!

Now he knows some of the weird customs we have around Ageless...;) :)

Originally posted by MariaLux
But yes, since our friend Full Circle is new, let's not scare him. PM me!

Now he knows some of the weird customs we have around Ageless...;) :)

Injection of humor is always a welcome change particularly considering my predicament. :D

Originally posted by Trish
Now, Maria, I want a job where I say "please remove your clothes"! What kind of a doctor do I have to become to make sure I'm only saying it to men? :D

I heard that Andrology is like paradise.

In certain cases, you might test if the patient really has a problem just by looking.

If you look very intensely, I mean. ;)