way to many problems

Hi I'm new to this site but have been reading the threads for a long time, my problem is that I've been seeing a guy whos 16 years younger than I. Now the problem is I'm married. I don't love my husband anymore, but I don't hate him by anymeans either. He loves me to death so I can't hurt him and leave him. But I think I have fallen in love with this YM, I didn't plan on it but it somehow happened. OH what do I do now?

Whether he knows it or not, you have hurt your husband and damaged your marriage, you can't have your cake and eat it too. End your marriage or dump the younger man.

My husband is a recovering verbal abuser so at one time I told him I wanted out, he told me that he would not let me get a divorce and if I ever tried that I would be sorry.

I'm not here to flame you, but I'm here to tell you to not give up!

here's a link that might help:

http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?s=&threadid=9514

Whatever, you can't keep both. You'll have to choose. If you are not getting a divorce just because your husband threatened you, get a lawyer and solve this with the help of justice.

What are your other options in your opinion?

the thing is we both have family all around mostly him and everybody thinks that there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with him I've told him to go to the doctor and get help with this problem, well he did but when the pills ran out he never went back to get them refilled, he told me that I was just trying to make him think he was crazy and that I was the one that needed mental help. He has also tried to do damage to himself that night too. I really think that he will do something stupid to himself, if I ever left him, and I can't do that to my kids or to his family. My YM knows what the situation is. We really don't have any long term plans. Actually it is just a release to me. Don't you think this affair could just be an eception to the rules.

Originally posted by sally
LOL!
Joe ...you're Quick Draw Magraw!
(or does that mention belong in the "I remember" thread?)



Hehe. . . what can I say! :D

Welcome to Ageless Whatever-

This situation sure pops up here
a lot and the advice is always the same.
You cannot have a marriage AND a lover
You just can't.

If your husband is as you described-
and I do believe what you told us,
then you have a lot to deal with right there.
In being with your lover,
you are only deluding yourself and running
from the reality of your bad marriage.
(Yes, it is a bad marriage).
You cannot run away from reality,
as much as so many people try with booze, drugs,
lies, and affairs, it is not possible to
escape the truth of your life.
It will come around and bite you
square in the butt!

First thing you need to focus on is
dealing with the marriage.
If your husband is abusive - LEAVE
I have been abused in my past
and I know what I am taking about.
Get help!

If you are finacially dependent on your husband-
get a job.
Make some money for yourself
and squirrel it away.

Chances are this YM that you claim to love so much
will turn heels and run as soon as the reality of your
situation comes to light with your husband.
And if you continue with this,
your husband will find out one way
or another.
Besides, how can you and another man
have any kind of quality relationship while you
are still married to another man?
You have tons of unfinished business
and it isn't fair to the YM that you not deal with it.
Nor is it fair to yourself,
Also-
as evil as you claim your husband to be,
it's not fair to him.

Face your life and deal with it honestly-
not behind closed doors with a secret lover.
I am not saying that initiating a divorce is easy-
divorce is HARD-
but you owe to yourself to do this.
If not-
then you should let go of the YM.

Do the right thing
As of now,
you are doing all of the
wrong things.

I wish you well in all of this....


<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/lilfairy.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">I don't want no one to squeeze me-
they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you
and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy
Give me one reason to stay here-
and I'll turn right back around
</FONT><FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Tracy Chapman</FONT>

The sad thing, Whatever, is that it would be no exception. It would be as common as anything else in this life, because it does happen a lot and we all know that.

The thing is, is it the best situation for you and your husband and your kids and your lover? I don't think it is, but you are the one to see what other options you have.

Ultimately you are the one to take your decisions, and I find it very hard that someone here will tell you, yes keep your lover and your husband until some solution shows. It's just not right.

Hello Whatever,

No matter how you look at it this is a bad situation; the real issue here isn't the age gap between you and your new interest, but one that has been around nearly as long as relationships in general....fidelity.

The one dead certain fact here is that there is no possible way for you to engage in any sort of romantic relationship with someone else behind your husband's back and not hurt him (your husband) terribly, and there is a great likelihood that all three parties involved will end up suffering one way or another. If there is no chance that your relationship with your husband can be saved...and I'm not trying to steer you either way; only you and your husband can decide this...AND you feel that you cannot keep your feelings for the younger man under control (again, your call; hearts rarely listen to logical arguments anyway), then my advice to you is that you be honest and upfront with your husband about the fact that you are no longer in love with him and do not wish to spend the rest of your life this way. Yes...it's going to hurt him, probably a lot...but whatever pain he feels from learning this cold fact now will be far less pain (and humiliation, and betrayal...) than what he would feel later upon discovering that you were having an affair.

Good luck to you in whatever course you decide.

Hi Whatever!

The link that Joe gave you to the other thread is a good resource for you to read I think.

From what I know of affairs, UNLESS the person is just an out and out skank, they happen in marriages because someone's needs aren't being met, or they are feeling badly about themselves, etc. I know because my partner had an affair, I believe, and I couldn't prove it, but I chose to forgive him and move on.

Sometimes we stay in relationships because they are comfortable. Even though the connection was lost between the partners years ago because the relationship wasn't a priority, it's not that uncomfortable sometimes to just stay and persevere. You might not be all that happy, but hey, you're not miserable, right? And then when a crisis hits, a family loss, an unforeseen death, an affair, the walls start crumbling down and it's not always possible to put it all back together again. That's because the foundation of the marriage became weak from neglect. That is the responsibility of BOTH the partners, and you can't always put it all back together again.

Ask yourself if you are better off being with your husband or without him? Ask yourself if this YM disappears, would you be happier on your own that you are with your husband? What do you think is right for YOU? AND what can you live with?

I wish you luck. We all get in over our heads sometimes, you know? Take steps to make the changes that make sense for you.

Originally posted by whatever
the thing is we both have family all around mostly him and everybody thinks that there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with him I've told him to go to the doctor and get help with this problem, well he did but when the pills ran out he never went back to get them refilled, he told me that I was just trying to make him think he was crazy and that I was the one that needed mental help. He has also tried to do damage to himself that night too. I really think that he will do something stupid to himself, if I ever left him, and I can't do that to my kids or to his family. My YM knows what the situation is. We really don't have any long term plans. Actually it is just a release to me. Don't you think this affair could just be an eception to the rules.


Well, I'm not gonna preach to you but you do remember making that vow, "For better or for worse. . . In sickness and in health. . . .'til death do us part?"
That's exactly what it means. Don't give up on your husband, sure he makes mistakes, we all do, but as a wife and loving spouse, you need to be by his side if he has some serious issues. You're a constant in his life and the both of you need to keep the marriage ball rolling through teamwork.

You say the relationship with the YM is a release to ya'??? HA!!!

Smell the coffee! Is it gonna be a release to you when the kids and families resent you and YOU lose everything??? DIdn't think so!

And you also want to know if this affair can just be an exception to the rules -- NO! What if your husband was having an affair and you found out about it. And when you confronted him about it he says, "Well honey, uh. . . duh. . .it was an exception to the rules 'cause you're sick. . . "

I don't think you would handle that too well! http://www.fodors.com/forums/smileys/silent.gif

I know everything you say is true. My husband is not evil in fact he is a very christian person that is why no one would believe me over him. And your right this is a case of infedelity not an age issue.

Whatever, girl, look, if he is a Christian man, then I assume both of you live through Christian beliefs am I right? :)

Maybe I missed it, but did he accept to go to counseling?

And those pills you mentionned, is he taking any medication?

If you can help your husband before taking any decision, I think it would be better, but I don't know how serious is his situation.

Yes we are both christians. And I really wouldn't care if he would have an affair. I know I'm a coward.

He says that I'm the one with the problem not him. Pretty typical.

Originally posted by whatever
Yes we are both christians. And I really wouldn't care if he would have an affair. I know I'm a coward.

You say that because you are
having an affair!
You are rationalizing everything in order
to justify what you are doing.

Yes, you are right-
you are a coward and you need to
muster up some bravery here and do the right thing.

None of us can help you or really advise you.
You want us to put the seal of approval on your
actions and I, for one, will not do that.

Maybe some professional counseling
will help you deal with this in a rational and
honest way?
I dunno....

Affairs are toxic my dear.
Unless you and your husband have agreed
on an "Open Marriage'-
your actions are causing nothing but
deep pain for all involved.


<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/lilfairy.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">I don't want no one to squeeze me-
they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you
and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy
Give me one reason to stay here-
and I'll turn right back around
</FONT><FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Tracy Chapman</FONT>

Then if you have a Christian household, I suggest you read Matthew 19: 6, 1 Corinthians 7: 10-16, Ephesians 5: 22-33, and Colossians 3: 18-20.

Check it out and let me know what you think, k? :)

Originally posted by whatever
He says that I'm the one with the problem not him. Pretty typical.

You ARE the one with the problem!!
And your actions will cause tremendous problems
for everyone else in the long run!!

Your posts are infuriating me at this point
and I don't think I will respond to them any further.

Whatever comes of your situation-
I hope too many people aren't hurt,
but I feel that they will be.

You just don't want to take any
form of responsibility here....

We reap what we sow



<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/lilfairy.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">I don't want no one to squeeze me-
they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you
and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy
Give me one reason to stay here-
and I'll turn right back around
</FONT><FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Tracy Chapman</FONT>

LOL @ Sally!!! She's talkin' in the third person! :D

Whoa.

I can understand how verbal abuse could cause you to fall out of love with your husband and what you're not facing up to is that condemning two people to a life without love and engaging in infidelity to keep yourself from going crazy IS hurting him, and more to the point, is hurting you, too.

You need to find the help and support to enable you to begin the process of ending the marriage, for both of your sakes, or perhaps (although it sounds like it would be a miracle to me) to put your mariage back together again.

I'm sure there's any number of family counseling services in your community and you should go to one. (Not send him - just go yourself).

And start looking for a real solution to this problem.

Anything else is just playing tiddlywinks on the deck of the Titanic.

Whatever, if your husband has problems and doesn't want to recognize it, then says you are the one with problems (and you surely has one problem that we know of), then get help for yourself and don't stay in this sick relationship.

When you get help for yourself, you'll see things in a clear way, I'm sure of it. Just don't let yourself go with the flow, do something for yourself and get out of this situation. Get a divorce if you are fighting this fight all alone.

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. And gettitng involved with another man right now won't solve anything. You say it's just an affair, so it shouldn't be difficult to end it now and take care of your soul first.

Your right and thank you.

Originally posted by Nessa
ummm Joe, Sally is talking in third person.....


oops. . . I knew that. . . uh, I'll change it right now! Dang, must be the coffee! Thanks Nessmeister! :D

Great insight!!!!! I agree with you...we all tend to complicate our lives by our actions......and then think that it all "JUST" happened. Sometimes we dont want to acknowledge our role in bringing the situation about and then we create needless hurt for ourselves and the people we care for. I suppose that's our human frailty.....but I think, speaking for myself....we need to be held responsible and accountable for our own actions!!!! We can't save the world, or another human being.......just ourselves!

And you think it wouldn't hurt and devestate your husband to know that you are CHEATING on him? Come on, open your eyes. Make a choice, but try living the truth instead of a lie.

I'm not going to repeat it all here, but what I said to Lostsoul in her thread of "Staring headon in path of oncoming train" applies to you as well. :mad:

Yes we are both christians.

If yours is a Christian marriage, then I sure don't want one of those!

Christian Home...?:rolleyes:

You know...when I think back on my family homelife, my father was drunk and my mother was frigid as ice, there were fights just about every week on the same two topics...but I don't recall either one of them ever justifying having an affair and I was raised in a Christian home too.

Is it in the air today or what. Let me know, I have a gas mask my brother brought home from the military.

So Sad...:( , oh and whatever, have you also considered the fact that your husband may just find this ym and kick his puny **** to the next state or even worse. Your quilt will be even worse then.

Paris

Whatever,
I'm wondering how you felt about your husband BEFORE you started an affair? Honestly?

When one of my ex's had an affair in the fifth year of our relationship, I later heard that he told our friends that he hadn't loved me in years and that we were just friends living together. But unless he was the world's greatest actor, I KNOW that he adored me right up until he started sleeping with another girl. Then he got confused. He didn't want to believe he was a bad person, so he created a fable about who I was. It hurt hearing some of the lies hed made up about me to win the support of his friends for the affair.

My mother has been having affairs about once every two years for 10 years now. Dad always takes her back, none of us really understand why. Each time she cheats on him, she rings all the family and rants on about how awful a person he is and how he drove her to cheat. We have learned to see her lies about him for what they are......a way to avoid facing her guilt for hurting someone so deeply over and over again. She also regularly changes her group of `confidents', so that when shes cheating she can convince a bunch of strangers of how bad our father is (and justify her affairs).

Whatever, I can't judge from here whats going on with you, but you seem to focusing an awful lot on your husband's faults
rather than accepting responsibility for choosing to betray your marriage and go against your own morals. I'm not trying to be hard on you, but its important to stop blaming other people for your behaviour. This about your character, not his.

I really don't expect anyone to really understand why I'm doing this. I just know that when I got married I was really young and didn't quite know what love was. Yes I thought I was in love, but when we were on our honeymoon, I knew then that it was not real. But then I thought that it was too late, I thought "Well you made your bed now lie in it" If I only knew then what I know now. I really don't want to have an affair, I would love to be so in love with someone that I don't want to be with someone else, but unfortunately this is not the case, so instead of hurting my husband then I guess I'll take happiness any where I can get it. My YM and I have been seeing each other for 4 years now. Yes he sees other girls, I want him to see if theres someone out there for him. But for now...

How old are you both, whatever?

I'm 41 my husband is 43 and my YM is 24. I really don't know why I posted here, maybe because I just want answers in what to do, my husband wouldn't give me a divorce even if he knew about the affair, I have brought the topic up before, about divorce that is.

Whatever, the advices are all there and I hope you'll be able to find the right way for you, but also for the two other people involved.

If one of you three is not happy with what you are living, that's reason enough to start taking action and moving towards a healthier situation.

And the fact that you came here tells us that you have reached your saturation point. Now what would you do if everything would go exactly as you wanted?

Everyone here who gave advice is so right, and I have always known that. But I haven't the courage. I always thought I was a strong person, but deep down I know that I'm such a coward.

When we are weak, that's when we are strong!

That's what Saint Paul said.

Seek help, Whatever, seek help to be able to help yourself. This situation is unhealthy and you are all losing precious years that you could use to be happy.

Where did you find the courage to leave your first marriage.

Yes I work, but don't really make enough to live on my own. Your lucky that you had support. I think I would be all alone in this effort. My husband doesn't want me to have friends, the friends I do have my husband doesn't like, he says they are filling my head with bad things. No one really knows what goes on in my house, because when were out, hes the loving husband that he wants everyone to see, but at home its a whole different story. I've read articles on being verbally abused, and I've told him that he needs help, but I guess that was the wrong thing to say, because now he thinks I'm talking behind his back to everyone and telling them how bad of a person he is. He doesn't want anyone to know and hey maybe he really doesn't know how bad he is. I haven't talked to anyone about this.

Nessa is right, it is NOT an easy decision. I tried to make it work even after the first affair (that I knew about) and we went to counseling. I was determined to make it work. But another affair . . . and I finally decided I would be better off living in a hovel that to forfeit my self esteem with him.

And it is a scary thought to be alone and have no one to depend on after having that for 25 years. But women are great survivors and it is a real feeling of accomplishment to discover that you can do it and look back and see that it was the best thing you ever did for yourself.

I have no regrets here. I tried to make it work, it didn't, so I moved on (I know I made that sound easy), but it WASN'T EASY.

Would your boyfriend help you with moving out?

I'm think so, but I don't really want him involved in that part of it. If I do this I do it on my own, with no one's help.

I still have kids living at home. They are in high school so I can't leave them and I won't. I live in the middle of nowhere so a shelter is really far away from here. I'm thinking maybe just stick it out until the kids have moved away.

Nessa, Kim51 had grown children, we didn't know about whatever until now, I think.

It seems you really need to help yourself, whatever, but now knowing that you have children, I can tell you something I learned. Children know everything that is happening in a house. They'll learn a very wrong image of what a marriage is from you and your husband. If you think you are helping them by keeping your marriage going this way, unless you are both very good actors, you are not. But I understand that sometimes food on the table is a higher priority for many woman with kids.

Maybe you just have to take some more time to take your decision, while this idea keeps growing in your head. For the moment there are too many things going against you leaving your husband, as you say, but eventually you will find out that just doing it is easier than you feared.

The first step is the hardest to take. My mom was there where you are now one day, and we all did okay. It's true she waited until she was 44 to finally get a divorce, but she finally did. She didn't have anyone else, that we knew of, and to tell you the truth, it wouldn't have mattered for us, because my father's alcoholism was so much worse than anything else. We were all happy when the divorce came. He stopped supporting us financially as we were all 18 and older, but we were fine by then. I understand exactly where you are coming from.

Despite what morals tell us now, do what you can do, the way you can do. But do something everyday towards a better life.

I know my kids are very smart, my husband says "to divorce would show the kids that divorce is right" I told him that this isn't what a marriage is. His dad treats his mother the same way, and thats the way he thinks marriage should be. I haven't figured out whether its his fault or not.
I will try to work on this one day at a time.

whatever, I hope I haven't sounded too hard. I don't like cheating, but I do know that its very difficult to leave your source of security, especially when its not just you who will be affected.

I think its common for women with children in unhappy or abusive marriages to plan for their separation. I've known women on forums who took years to leave abusive spouses, but when they left they were in a position where they were emotionally and finacially prepared. So don't feel too pressured to rush into anything...just slowly make up your mind and then make plans which protect you and the children.

But don't forget about the guilt thing. If this affair has been going on for four years, is there even a small possibility that you are exaggerating you husband's failings in order to deflect guilt? Another option for you is to repair your damaged relationship. Yes, it will mean confessing, theres no other way to repair the trust, spiritual bond, and intimacy between the two of you. But don't do this if you are in danger of abuse.

I've actually thought at one time that maybe it was all in my head and I was the one with the mental problem, because thats what my husband told me. But I've come to the conclusion that I am not wrong. I didn't grow up in a abusive family and I know what it means to give and take in a marriage. It just isn't right when your husband buys you flowers and then throws them at you because you decided to make pancakes for dinner or tells you that your the worst mother ever and someday I'm going to regret being born. Verbal abuse is so hard to make anyone understand. I will never tell him about my affair, it would just be adding fuel to the fire.

I'm just so afraid that he'll hurt himself or do something else just as drastic.
As for the affair, I guess I just wanted someone to love me.

LOL! I already have 3 of them. Nessa your outlook has been so helpful. Thank you so much for listening.

LOL Nessa!! I'll trade you a rott/gs sweater for a newfie sweater!! :D

HA! No you're not! :D

Originally posted by Joe
HA! No you're not! :D

Awwwwe, Sugar, you misunderstood! We weren't talking about trading dogs. We were talking about trading the sweaters we are going to make out of all the dog hair that the dogs are shedding!! :p

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! :D

And now we take you back to the original program :D