Staring headon in path of oncoming train

Hello all. This is my first post here. I have a feeling it's going to be a long one, but please bear with me. I am so confused, I don't know which way to turn anymore.

Here is my situation:

I am a 37 year old woman (will be 38 in two months) and have been married for 4 years (together for 8 years) to a man I absolutely ADORE. He is 42. I feel that even after 8 years together our relationship is surprisingly alive - there is a lot of humor, affection, and we are both very comfortable together, and have gone a long way toward getting to know each other on a much deeper level and become accomodating of things we once had issues together. This feels like a very mature relationship, and we both have put 100% into the relationship in the past, and it has been very satisfying for the both of us. We both value our commitment to each other and know that we could easily live into old age together happily. We have worked hard and acquired a lovely, lovely home in an upper-echelon section of town. We have more than most, and have always been quite content together. All sounds good so far, right?

Now, here's where the issues come into play. Back in October of 2003, I started playing my first online rpg game. I was pretty much a loner through the first few months, but in January, I met a new friend and we started hanging around a great deal together. By about two weeks into it, it was becoming obvious to me that this ym was interested in me. I was feeling the same way but also very committed to my marriage so immediately wrote him a long email explaining to him that we could be close frends in game and/or an in game 'couple' (there are weddings in this game) but that we'd have to draw the line at that, because I was married and had no intention of betraying my husband and/or leaving him. Everything would strictly be on an in game level, we'd have real emotions & develop a nice friendship, but that's where it ended. I said in exact words that having a real life relationship would not be an option, and that we'd both have to be okay with that up front. (You can see this coming a mile away, can't you?)

This went on for a few weeks, us being platonic but having fun and being flirty, getting to know each other better and having a TON of fun together. We are both very compatible on an intellectual and emotional level and really were becoming close. I could feel that my own feelings were starting to spiral out of control for him, and was having the damndest time keeping my mouth shut, and also was sensing he was maybe feeling the same way. Finally, while we were having a late night talk one evening, he came out with it and told me he had fallen in love with me. I sort of balked on the spot, but the next day, got carried away and told him of my feelings for him, in return. From then on, everything went crazy and the two of us were like two peas in a pod, very, VERY happy together, thinking of each other day & night, each other consuming each other's every thought. I was really starting to (at the very same time) have some MAJOR guilt issues concerning betraying my husband. My online "friend" lives across the country, and thus we have never met in person, but spend every evening together and even talk online while we are both at work as well. I felt I needed to put an end to this, so we had a breakup of sorts, with each of us vowing to just be friends but continue to spend time together in the game as we really enjoy each others company. This lasted all of about 1 day as we both were absolutely MISERABLE. I felt as if I had just lost my best friend. After another day or two, we decided we both were very unhappy and went right back to our illicit 'affair'. This whole time this is going on, he is making it VERY clear to me he would like a real life relationship with me, and I believe him that he does.

I have tried to be very upfront with him about my feelings for both him and my husband. I have explained to him that I am not 20 years old anymore and really don't want to undo the security of my marriage for someone that I have only known for 2 months on the internet. At the same time, I find myself EXTREMELY attracted to him, in every way. He is one of the sweetest, most charming men I have ever met. We have a wonderful time together and can't ever seem to get enough of each other. Our conversations always end up taking us into the wee hours of the night. We exchanged pictures and OMG, he is gorgeous! I have not had such a strong physical attraction to ANY man in probably 10 years. Just looking at him is such a turn on for me! But, like I said, his personality is wonderful also. We had discussed many things about ourselves together, but for some reason, age never came up. I always thought of him as in his late 20's to early 30's, and I guess I avoided bringing up the topic thinking he'd think I'm an old woman and lose interest. I didn't realize it at the time, but he had a reason for not bringing up the topic either.

Recently, I learned that he is JUST turning 23 this month!!! He told me this in response to a message I had left him asking how old he'd be on his upcoming birthday and said that he hoped this would not change my feelings for him, and that he thinks I am somewhere around 31-33 and is fine with that. My immediate thought was one of sadness. The minute I learned his age, I knew in my heart this was the beginning of the end for us. I mean, I thought he was young (when I was thinking he was 26-31) and had a little bit of nervousness about that, but 23 just takes the cake! He's just a baby! In fact, I have a 19 year old son... that means my internet friend is only 4 years older than him. This could be one of my son's friends!

I now am looking at this relationship and him in a totally new light. One of the things I always found charming about him was a certain sense of naitivety about him... well now I know why! I feel like I'm some sad old perverted woman or like Mrs. Robinson from The Graduate. I feel like I'm almost old enough to be his mother, and am regretting some of the more sexual flirtations I had with him. I feel like it's not in his best interests to be tied down to an older woman like me, like he should get out and enjoy life, meet new people, do things. His life is only just beginning while mine is settling down. I really feel like I'm just setting up a secure environment to die in at this point on my end, even though I don't feel that old. It almost feels wrong to feel attracted to him at this point but I still am.... VERY VERY strongly too, I might add. When we spoke last night, I played it off like it was no big deal but inside I was freaking out like mad! I don't know where to go with this now. I guess it was wrong in the beginning just based on the fact that I am married, but now it seems so much more wrong. I don't know if I can bear to be without him (or my husband, for that matter), but I feel like it's in his best interests for me to end this as soon as possible, though I know it will hurt him a great deal. Maybe this is a blessing and I should just get back to my marriage before I am discovered and that crumbles. Why am I doing this? Why shouldn't this be crystal clear to me? I don't understand why I am still in this relationship - I have always been very happy with my husband overall, but there like an immediate happiness with the new guy. I literally find myself walking around smiling 24-7 and can't get him off of my mind. How do I pick up the pieces if I DO end it? I can't believe I got myself into this mess, and now I feel like I'm going to end up broken hearted along with my new guy. I also wonder if maybe my marriage isn't as golden as I thought, or why else would I be doing this? But on the same token, I would be absolutely TERRIFIED to try for anything real with the new guy upon learning his age. I'm sure he would leave me eventually, and besides, I have had my tubes tied years ago and can no longer even offer him children, not that at 23, marriage would even be something he'd be worried about (nor should he be). I feel like to even attempt to be with him would be holding him back in his life, even though I know he would be devastated if I initiated a split with him. My husband has no idea any of this has occurred, which is another thing that keeps haunting me. I keep thinking maybe this IS the time to just make a break for it and save my marriage, though I don't know how I'll put the new guy out of my mind .... or heart :(

I'm just so, so confused.

If you have a great marriage, walk away. DO IT NOW, ok?

You are in LUST not love just walk away for your own sake.

Welcome to Ageless LostSoul~
Whew!
That was a long post your wrote there!!
(But I got through it....)

Well kiddo-
my post won't be as long-
END IT!
There is no good that can come of
you continuing with this YM on the net.
None
You have a lot to lose if you don't end it.

I would guess addiction plays a big part
in all of this with you.
I really don't see a a meeting of the heart here-
but more of an addiction
to the whole computer connection thing.

Chances are if this YM were to suddenly move
into the house down the road from you
and the two of you hooked up-
the attraction you have for him would fizzle quick.

I say,
shut down the comp
and take up another hobby for awhile.
It's all you can do.
The more time you spend away from the
games and him,
the eaiser it will be.
Spring is here-
get out there and plant a killer garden!
There is lots to do in order for you
to distract yourself from this YM and the comp.
I will not tell you it is easy-
but you can do it.

If you feel compelled to get on your comp-
come here and we'll keep you on track!
LOL

Good Luck!



<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/lilfairy.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">I don't want no one to squeeze me-
they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you
and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy
Give me one reason to stay here-
and I'll turn right back around
</FONT><FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Tracy Chapman</FONT>

"I really feel like I'm just setting up a secure environment to die in at this point on my end, even though I don't feel that old"

Do you realize that this is a very disturbing statement from a 37 year old woman?

While I would have to agree that the infatuation with the on-line young man probably doesn't have that much of a future, the above seems like a fairly strong hint that your marriage is not quite as strong and wonderful as is being suggested.

It seems to be making you feel suffocated and trapped. IMHO the computer games and the fantasy marriage are being used as outlets for those feelings.

Maybe a better way to handle them is to make some changes in your life and your marriage so it doesn't bore you silly.

Lost Soul.....I can read the pain and torture that you're experiencing. You state that you love your husband and that you're thrilled(I think infatuated)with this young man(ym).

I think what you want to do is pretty evident. This is what I read between the lines....you dont want to leave your husband, you have a good life with him and he with you. It seems you are searching for a quick, painless way out of the relationship you've developed wiith ur ym. I certainly understand the headiness and the butterflies in the tummy feeling we have when we encounter someone we're horribly attracted to. And we start to spin that fantasy.......what would life with that person be like? . We fantasize that it would probably be more exciting than our present life, that his person would definitely be more exciting than our current partner, blah, blah blah. Somehow the fantasy spurs us on to think that we can escape our current life even if we really don't think we want to. And pretty soon in our heads we're living THE PERFECT life with our fantasy person!!! The daydreams have spiraled out of control!!!

It sounds like you and your husband have built up a very deep caring/loving for and with each other. I dont presume to think that your husband is terrific in everyway......after all he is human...and so are you. But weigh the loss of what you have with your husband against the fantasy life w/this ym. I think in conducting this cyber relationship w/this ym(and this is in no way a moral judgement of you)you're allowing this to tarnish and call into question a very solid and real relationship with your husband. In essence you're cheating everybody....yourself, your husband and this ym. You're cheating yourself because you can't fully give yourself emotionally to either your husband, the ym or yourself!! You're cheating your husband becuz he is the innocent party and would probably be hurt to the core and possibly jepardize your marriage if he finds out about the relationship you have w/this ym. You're cheating this ym becuz you're holding out the carrot on a stick when he could be out finding someone who can give him what he's looking for totally. You wrote that you cant give this ym what he might need as evidenced by you're being married, emotionally still tied to your husband, have your tubes tied, etc. etc.!!! While all this is easier said than done...it is imperative for you to figure out what you really wan. kBe brutally hones and don't lie to yourself! Do you want out of your marriage and this ym is just an excuse to justify that? Or are you just in love with feeling that "lil school girl crush" feeling that this ym provides and that we miss when we've been together w/someone for a while? None of these things are wrong....it's must a matter of learning and prioritizing for yourself what is more valuable in your life.

I empathize with your situation, I can feel your pain, but sometimes we create our own agonies. Whatever you decide to do....be kind to yourself and the other people in your life who will be affected by your decision.

Sending you a warm hug to get you thru another day........

Hmmm. . . sounds like another case of "wanting your cake and eating too."

Lost soul, you're not lost. You need to go back to the basics of love and marriage (vows) and start back again with YOUR HUSBAND.

YOU ALREAD HAVE SOMEONE: YOUR HUSBAND! AND UNLESS HE IS BEATING AND/OR CHEATING ON YOU, YOU HAVE NO REASON TO LEAVE HIM!

Now put forth some effort in your marriage, not in some YM through internet games, and love your HUSBAND for what and who HE is.

You poor soul... I was in a very similiar situation. Same story... I remember how horribly torn I was. Many people told me it was just lust...(and it may well have been at the beginning)well we have been together almost two years now and my ym is 19 years younger! If you enable your private messages, I will write and explain. I love this board but somethings I need to keep private. Please see the post in need of good advice by kim51. I posted there as well. I will say this, it is very easy for "others" (including myself) to give their opinions as we are not in your situation. The woman on this board are intelligent, loving, and caring, they truly mean well. In fact their honesty is what I appreciate most. Please don't take any of the answers to heart as most of us just do not want to see anyone hurt. I myself worked very hard to save my marriage. I did not leave my husband for my ym, I left him for myself. But real life as you know is not an RPG game. No the age doesn't matter. But if you truly "love" your husband (as I did mine..again see my other post)we owe the marriage a chance. You can pm me anytime...

Joi

Joe.....don't be so hard on her...you are usually such a sweetheart:) I can tell she is going through h-ll. She will sort things out.

Lost Soul...Joe is the nicest guy in the world and living with
the most beautiful woman in the world... in fact they are television stars !!!!

:D Joi

Originally posted by Joi
I will say this, it is very easy for "others" to give their opinions as they are not in your situation.

Sure it's easy to give people opinions and advice, even if they haven't or have been in someone's "situation."

However, it's what leads to that "situation" that can be controlled by the opinion/advice seeker.


joe

,,,you're very wise for your years.......I agree with you....things don't just "happen" to you most of the time. We as human beings have this wonderful ability to block out any recognition, much less acknowledgement of the actions/inactions we took to bring most of our troubles/conflicts on ourselves. As hard a lesson as it is to learn....it's all about PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY/ACCOUNTABILITY PEOPLE!!!!!

I'm sure most of us are familiar w/the Serenity prayer......."give me the courage to change the things that can be changed"......? I think sometimes we misinterpret the word "can" for "give me the courage to change the things I WANT to change".....they're NOT the same.....just food for thought.....

Hey thanks for the comps Joi! :D And yes, I am living with the most beautiful woman in the world!

Keep postin' girl!!!

You are considering giving up on a real GOOD guy for a total fantasy which could be death warmed over.

Nothing on the internet is real no matter how much we THINK we know somone, there is always the distinct possibility that he is NOTHING like you imagine.

Don't go there.. I know romance, heart throbs, sleepless nights, sexual fantasies, all SEEM better than humbrum reality but the reality of this man could be way worse than what you have and you would have thrown it all away for nothing.

I was in a similar situation and fell in love online but my ex and I were already on divorces door at the time... but in truth the online thing sped up the process.

In my case he turned out to be a total hoax, never even existed. Oh but you KNOW different right? Well anyone who knew me then can attest to the fact that this guy was as real as can be ..TO ME.

Originally posted by Joe

Now put forth some effort in your marriage, not in some YM through internet games, and love your HUSBAND for what and who HE is.

Great advice, Joe. Another thing, Lost, is that you have to remember that he is only 23 and if he has not had any real relationships in his past he is confused by his feelings. I think we all were in our early twenties. He has not yet had the life experience to discern between infatuation and true love. He is thinking that this is it!!! This is the real deal!!! He hasn't lived enough to know that "the real deal" usually is a real bad case of infatuation and it fizzles as quick as it sizzled. You have. What you have with your husband is REAL...what you have with this young man IS NOT.

Originally posted by captain1997
I dont know why my oppinions always seem to differ from the crowd. Maybe Im just wierd. (And a terrible speller).

In anycase, I think she has a scratch thats needs to be itched. Scatch the itch and be done with it,. I would say that if her marriage is as great as she says it is, then she needs to keep it as a priority. However, fly out for a week-end of sex with the YM and come home to hubby but never see the young man again. Dont even chat with him. Scratch the itch and be done with it.

Be up front with the YM. Tell him its a farewell thingy.

Cheers
Me

You scratch insect bites and poison ivy, not people. Her husband does not deserve this... and if the YM actually has feelings for her neither does he. This would be the most selfish act I can imagine.

Originally posted by captain1997
I dont know why my oppinions always seem to differ from the crowd. Maybe Im just wierd. (And a terrible speller).
In anycase, I think she has a scratch thats needs to be itched. Scatch the itch and be done with it,. I would say that if her marriage is as great as she says it is, then she needs to keep it as a priority. However, fly out for a week-end of sex with the YM and come home to hubby but never see the young man again. Dont even chat with him. Scratch the itch and be done with it.
Be up front with the YM. Tell him its a farewell thingy.
Cheers
Me

Geeeeze-Louise!
Captain,
please don't tell me you actually
believe this woman should do this?!

There are so many reasons she should
not do this, where to begin?


<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/lilfairy.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">I don't want no one to squeeze me-
they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you
and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy
Give me one reason to stay here-
and I'll turn right back around
</FONT><FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Tracy Chapman</FONT>

I was always told..

"You can lie about something today...and you may not get caught today, tomorrow, next week, next month or even next you. However, you will get caught...

I know very few people...who could live with the guilt of infidelity...VERY FEW....

You are entered into a union that, so many people yearn to be part of. A union based out of love, respect and trust. I may be young at 24...but one day, I yearn for that...

And you are risking breaking that bond, that union...just because of some tryst on the computer? With a young man who you don't even really know? Who you haven't spent one minute with, to see if you could even live with this person's every day routine? What you see on a computer isn't every day routine, unless he's a computer graphic with artificial intelligence built in that is so vastly superior it must be the Government's work..

That "friend"...is a poison to your marriage...to your HAPPY MARRIAGE.

How much RESPECT does this Young man have? For the union of marriage? He doesn't have ANY...if he is willing to cross a line that no one should be crossing...interfereing in another person's marriage...

Okay...

You leave your husband and go to this guy. It doesn't work. Do you think your husband is going to take you back? Do you think the MAN who you adore and who probably loves you more dearly than the spoken word can tell...will take you back?

And what then, are you left with?

NOTHING...

In a sense...you will be emotionally like a bag lady walking down the street...you won't have anything tangible to feel in your heart...

Are YOU willing to risk hurting your husband? Are YOU willing to risk hurting yourself...over what some guy says over an electronic medium?

This guy could be LYING to you...
It happens...
All too often...

Are YOU..willing to risk the hearts and emotions and feelings of EVERYONE around you? Just based upon what someone says over a dang keyboard?

It isn't worth it...plain and simple...it...is NOT...worth it....

Originally posted by Dan_Shues
You leave your husband and go to this guy. It doesn't work. Do you think your husband is going to take you back? Do you think the MAN who you adore and who probably loves you more dearly than the spoken word can tell...will take you back?

And what then, are you left with?



GUILT
Gut-wrienching, debilitating, festering guilt
that can cast sorrow over a person for a life-time.

Good post Dan!!
(By the way)



<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/lilfairy.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">I don't want no one to squeeze me-
they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you
and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy
Give me one reason to stay here-
and I'll turn right back around
</FONT><FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Tracy Chapman</FONT>

Go back and read Swan's post on the first page (I'm too lazy to quote it right now, haha). She is dead-on.

Originally posted by Swan
You are considering giving up on a real GOOD guy for a total fantasy which could be death warmed over.
Nothing on the internet is real no matter how much we THINK we know somone, there is always the distinct possibility that he is NOTHING like you imagine.
Don't go there.. I know romance, heart throbs, sleepless nights, sexual fantasies, all SEEM better than humbrum reality but the reality of this man could be way worse than what you have and you would have thrown it all away for nothing.


This is the post you are pointing out PinkCat-
and I agree,
Swan has hit the nail on the head here.

All marriages become predictable, dull and well...
boring after a while.
That is a given.
I think, LostSoul,
that you have a solid marriage, but it has lost
a bit of it's LUST-er
(If ya know what I mean...)

Too bad your hubby can't get online and
"game" with you-
might add a little spice to your life.
Although I feel you are beyond that in
the "feild of trouble".

This YM will never be the person that
you have built him up to be in your mind- never.
What started out as an innocent outlet for you
some boring day, has evoled into you trying to make
a fantasy part of your real world.
Can't happen

If you were single, I'd say go for it-
but still feel you might find it is not what
you would want it to be.
But are not single.
You are very married-
and the game really needs to stop
KEY WORD:
GAME

You may feel this YM is a "soul mate"-
but he is nothing more than a mere character
in a fantasy you have created.
You may as well be hoping to connect with
Robin Hood or Luke Skywalker.

I can tell you are an intelligent woman.
Please don't let this game playing fantasy
ruin the happiness you have now and
will have in the future.
It's NOT worth it


<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/lilfairy.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">I don't want no one to squeeze me-
they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you
and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy
Give me one reason to stay here-
and I'll turn right back around
</FONT><FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Tracy Chapman</FONT>

Lost, I will begin my post by warning you that you are NOT going to like what I have to say.

What are you thinking?!?! If you have a wonderful man and a wonderful marriage (as you have asserted) why in the world would you be flirting with ANY man online regardless of how old he is? :confused: And where is your wonderful husband while you are flirting with this YM to the wee hours of the morning?

Having been on the receiving end of a cheating husband, it is no secret on this board how my feelings run on this subject and I will try not to be overly rude.

If you are unhappy in your marriage and with your husband, end the marriage . . . THEN pursue other relationships. Do you have any idea what you are doing to your wonderful husband by even carrying on a flirtation with another man, much less thinking about going further than the flirtation?

You know infidelity does not always have to be physical. There is also emotional infidelity and it is just as damning.

It is my opinion that there is something missing in that wonderful marriage you claim to have or you would not have even begun an online flirtation with another man.

And Captain: Surely you aren't serious? :mad: You are encouraging her to do what Joe says she is trying to do: "have her cake and eat it too!"

Good God, my faith in true and honest people is dwindling a little with each and every one of these posts we are getting lately about people cheating on their spouses. If you are unhappy with or not satisfied by your spouse or significant other END IT AND GET OUT!! Why do you feel it necessary to humiliate the innocent party just to have your kicks??

It is just a plain and simple truth that when you play with fire, sooner or later someone is going to get burned.

Originally posted by Joi
...Joe is the nicest guy in the world and living with
the most beautiful woman in the world...

Yes, Joi, he is a sweetie and thank you for the compliment. :o


Originally posted by Joe
And yes, I am living with the most beautiful woman in the world!

Aww, Sugar . . . you still take my breath away! ;)


Originally posted by kookie1
I say get out of it now....before your husband gets wind of it (and trust me, he will). Then, if you decide to stay with your husband, there will always be that nasty "trust" issue between you. And take it from someone who lived with a cheating husband, the "trust" issue is a very large obstacle to a happy marriage. And in all likelihood you will end up divorced.

You have what most people would give a body part for....a happy, loving marriage to a man you say you "adore". Give that up for a mere "fantasy"?? You would have to be nuts. :(

Sorry to be so blunt...

You said it kookie . . . and sometimes people have to be hit with blunt before they get the message! :D

have been there too lost soul....
please take a look at that "wonderful" marriage, see if you can make it work. i tried, mine failed. i don't honestly think you be involved with an on line relationship if the marriage was as wonderful as you claim. for me, my online showed me that it was better to end the "security" and yes there was love for my husband, but it wasn't right anymore. i left for me, as there was no promting from my on line relationship to do so. but i needed to become the person i needed to become... and that was no longer possible.
i'm very glad i did... wishing you the best, with a very difficult situation.
feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk more

Oh my lord! You say you're happy with your husband and yet you're thinking of how much you'd like to have this other guy's baby? I just don't understand that at all.

There has been some great advice posted here. Please, for everyone involved, take that advice and leave this guy alone. There is no one that won't be hurt if this continues. Have some integrity and put your family's interests ahead of your own desires.

And Tim: I'm very very disappointed. My opinion of you just dropped a few notches. That was not just bad advice, it was irresponsible. We're here to help people make good decisions, not to encourage them to destroy their marriages.

you're staring head on into the path of an oncoming train? then, honey, get off the tracks right this minute.

you have what we all wish for...a happy relationship/marriage. don't let a fantasy love/lust thing ruin that. stop it now, its nothing but poison for your marriage. get off the game, end it completely, and spend time with your husband. redirect those feelings all back to him.

it may seem all wonderful and rosy, and if you were single, it would be fun to at least meet him, but you are NOT...and you are happily married and have a lot going for you. do NOT take the chance of throwing that away for something that is more than likely not as good IRL as it seems it may be.

it WILL be hard to cut him off, but the feelings WILL subside, and you will be happy in the long run that you had the wisdom and strength to do so.

kye

but is it a happy marriage really???? if it was, why is she spending to wee hours of the night talking to someone other then her husband?
i know for me, my happy marriage was not so happy and fullfilling when i honestly looked at it. it was secure though. she stated they had obtained "the good life" but she was waiting to die... that sounds happy in a marriage?

I won't comment on the being married parts as it seems you have gotten tons of meaningful and good advice there. I do think it might be worthwhile to post a little something here about online games.

Online games, especially ones that have a romantic element to them, are designed to promotes socializing. They provide a fantasy environment that allows you and the real people you are interacting with to do so in a completely foreign way. The environments, avatars, interactions, and contrived social settings help to create and foster feelings. It is part of the design of the game to keep people coming into the game. Don't forget that many online games count on the gamer's connection to others inside of the game as a main pull to keep the gamer.

Now, don't misunderstand me, I have made extremely meaningful relationships in games. They can for sure be real. I met my b/f in an online game. I do recall that I had several "game" relationships prior to meeting him though. There was something "real" about him and our interactions. It took about 7 months for us to move to real life and we will be together for a year in April.

However, a word of caution to you on game relationships... Two months is a short, short time and you should be conscious at all times that the game is influencing your feelings.

I read peachy's response...did you lost...did you read the pain in her note as to what cheating can do to the innocent party. It stays with you that pain...it will manifest itself into your ex husband's future relationships with other women, because of what you did. He will not be able to trust, or love unconditionally or let someone with a higher integrity then yourself into his heart because of his experience with you. And you said you have a 19 yr old son, what will this teach him...that women can be dogs as easily as most men. Is this the example you want to set for yourself and your family.

If you can not maintain the integrity of the single most important relationship in your life within the bonds of marriage, what makes you think you can have a great relationship with this ym.

You know why your relationship with this ym won't work, because of the way you acquired it. It was instigated through the back door instead of through the front. I hope you heed the advice everyone is giving you. I dare ya.

Paris

Hmm. . . I'm just puzzled as to, "What happened to good 'ol discipline and morals in a marriage?" :)

Tim, I might agree with the idea that you should confront some fantasies, because you're right in a way. Fantasies usually don't live up to expectations, and sometimes people can't learn from the mistakes of others or realize that they're making a mistake until they've already made it.

But this situation is different. Here we've got someone who is already in turmoil and has made a committment to someone. We've also got a young man who believes that he is in love with her. I can't imagine a universe where engaging this fantasy wouldn't hurt everyone involved. Besides that, LostSoul never even suggested that she wanted a weekend fling with him. If she believes this is an emotional connection, then what would having a fling and then never speaking to him again do for her? It would only hurt and confuse her more.

Um, have you forgotten about the other person involved here? And don't say he won't find out. There's a good chance he already knows something is going on if she's up all night talking to this guy on the computer.

Also, if she's feeling guilty already, how bad is she going to feel after she's actually consumated this affair? A secret like this would be more of a cancer to her marriage than any unrealized fantasy.

I don't think you're trying to be harmful with your opinion, Tim. I just don't think you're seeing the whole picture.

Originally posted by captain1997
People in general have fantasies. It’s not likely that many of us understand why people have them but we do. In my experience, I have found that if a fantasy is consuming you, engage it. Usually we discover that what we think in our mind as being "all that" turns out to be "not all that " and we can move on with our lives.


If everyone "acted" on every fantasy they had, we would have complete and utter caos. Joe said it about the discipline. We have to learn in life that we can't have "everything" we want. We have to learn to practice some self-constraint.


What’s wrong with me advising her to discover for real whether she has or has not discovered more.??

What's wrong? You're advising her to be a deceitful and dishonest cheater. That's what wrong. It's bad enough when people decide to do this on their own, but now we have cheerleaders urging them on?? :mad: BAD. BAD. BAD.

What's wrong with you urging her instead to work on the marriage vows she took? Or urging her to see a counselor to delve into what is missing in her marriage that put her in this situation in the first place? Or urging her that maybe, just maybe, she needs to stay away from the online games?

I've never played one of these games, and I think I won't. Seems to me like they cause an awful lot of trouble and heartache.

What’s wrong with me advising her to discover for real whether she has or has not discovered more.?? That isn't even what you advised her to do. You advised her to have a sexual fling and then never speak to him again.

If she wants to end her marriage and pursue someone else she can do that, but that is the order she should do it in. You don't test drive people like you would a car. And yes, people get hurt in life. But people also get robbed and murdered. Just because bad things happen doesn't mean those things should be encouraged.

Ditto what Peachy (and Joe) said, and more....but I'm angry and better button it. Be right back after I go and act out my fantasy about robbing a bank.

Gillian

LOL Gillian . . . and thank you . . . you'd think when we get to be 50, nothing would amaze us, but . . . what some people say . . . wtf??

I wonder how Lost Soul is doing?? Haven't heard anything?
Are you out there?

Joi

Originally posted by captain1997
End game should always be the focus of each move. We sometimes sacrifice things we care about, (money, morals, values, life and limb) to achieve final victory. Because in the end, how far we have gotten and where we have gone will mean a lot more then how we got there. Have you been reading Machiavelli? That's what this sounds like. A philosophy that "the ends justify the means" runs counter to most definitions of integrity and character. Besides, how can you achieve victory when you hurt yourself and the people you care about in the process? That doesn't sound like any kind of victory that I would want.

But even as distasteful as this philosophy is, in your original post you weren't talking about her "finding happiness" or "achieving victory." It was about "scratching an itch" with no regard for the feelings of any of the people involved. Don't change your story just to keep arguing. We can all go back and see what you said.

Captain,

would say that if her marriage is as great as she says it is, then she needs to keep it as a priority.

I agree with this part of your post.

The second part which is where we disagree is this...

If her marriage is not as great as she says it is, then she need to focus on getting it back on track.

Relationships and marriages need love, nurturing and attention to continue to grow.

Captain, I have two questions for you.

What does a marriage mean to you?

What does a vow mean to you?

Trish and Pink, you are so right.

Tim, I'm sorry if you felt attacked, but with an opinion like that, you should have seen it coming a mile off. And I'm afraid I sooooo don't agree with the winning at ALL costs. Sometimes winning is really not that important. In the end, everyone has to look at themselves in the mirror.

If you wish to be so callous as to throw your vows and promises out the window, so be it, but I do think it is disgusting for you to advise someone else to take that route.

As to Lost Soul, I am beginning to believe that maybe we have a troll here.

I play a lot of online games. I gotta tell you, I have seen what she is describing SOOOOO many times in online games... its really, terrribly sad.

Doesn't sound like a troll to me.

Well she could be a troll... or she could just be less interested in message boards than we are ;).

I know I spend a lot of time online now compared to myself 2 years ago. At that time, I went online and cruised places like this, or whatever caught my interest, when things were slow at work or whatever. Occasionally, I'd post, but because I was not online often and online represented such a tiny part of my day/life/etc, I might not come back online or check my post for a long time or ever.

Maybe that is the definition of a troll and I just don't know it? I might be confused as to what a troll actually is... I thought it was someone that made stuff up to post. Can someone set me straight here? I think I'm confused.

Thanks Nessa.

Wow! I have to say I was a little blown away by all the feedback. Thank you ALL very much for taking the time to read my long, long post. I feel each and every one of you (yes, even you, Tim... lol :) ) has had some valuable information to input to my situation.

I have to say that when I came here, I guess deep down I knew what had to be done. Perhaps this wasn't what I wanted to hear, but I still knew it. I guess I needed to have 25-30 people say it out loud to me for me to know this is a very clear cut situation and I should have listened to my instincts on this to begin with. You are all right - I have a marriage that is worth keeping and giving 100% to. Maybe that is part of the problem, my efforts have gone astray lately. I guess I have gotten caught up in the whirlwind of excitement and all of the attention that the ym has brought into my life. It has been a long time since I have felt so desired, so appreciated, etc. That is not to say that hubby doesn't ever convey those things - he does, but I guess it's not in the same 'thrilling' type of way, and I guess I kind of miss that.

Although I have been reading the posts, I had a health problem and unexpected surgery on Thursday morning and that is why I have not returned before now. I assure you, I am not a forum troll, though I can certainly understand some people for thinking I might have been. I was just not around Thursday or Friday as I was on painkillers and not *THE* most alert person in the world at the time, lol.

I do intend to end it with the ym. I have to admit I have not done so yet, though I did come VERY close last night. I know he is going to fight me on it, and frankly, I have to make sure I am strong enough to rebuff him, because I sort of know it would not take much for me to adopt the ignorance is bliss approach and choose to just put it all out of my mind to continue what I've been doing. (Which is really the only way I've been able to carry on as far as I have -- when I actually sit down and think of how devastating this would be to my husband, it absolutely tears my heart out, and I am soooo ashamed & disappointed in what I have done. I really wonder if I even deserve to be with him. I am the LAST person he would expect this sort of treatment from and it pains me a GREAT deal to know that I cannot turn back the hands of time and undo this. This is something I will have to always live with, and I think the best I can do at this point is get out of this relationship with the ym, put it behind me, and try my best to repair any damage that may have been done to my marriage and seriously vow to not get myself into such a situation again.)

Someone had commented that I am not in love with the ym, but merely a case of lust. I really have mixed feelings on this. I definitely will agree there is a MAJOR lust factor there, but I also feel I have connected with him on an emotional level that is unique and special, and that I do think the absolute world of him. I do think a lot of the 'love' feelings I have for him are more about loving how I FEEL when I am with him, as opposed to a very deep, true, and enduring love that I feel for my husband. Someone else said that giving up this relationship would be a little like kicking a drug habit. I strongly agree. I definitely get a high off of being with this ym. In defense of what Tim suggested, I appreciate his honesty, and while I don't agree this would be a good thing for me to do (I think this would HIGHLY complicate things, and would work as a way of cementing this relationship, if nothing else, I can understand where he is coming from, and think that with time, I would see that this ym IS just a regular person, with faults and everything else. Unfortunately, I think by the time I realized this, it would be too late to turn back and I would have already thrown everything away in the process).

Also, I wanted to say no offense to the person who was talking about that their significant other is their son's friend. I am not in any way trying to be judgemental of you or anyone else on these boards. I simply am stating for myself, this does not feel like a right decision with his age being what it is. I would forever feel like I was holding him back. Everyone's circumstances are different, though, and if you and your ym are happy, I wish you all the best of luck and future happiness together. Also, I wanted to clarify on two other things... I am not sitting around thinking about having my ym's baby (lol). I just meant that even if in my wildest dreams, things would work out, that that right there would be a major downfall to the situation, in and of itself. There is a whole myriad of other problems though - beyond his age, there is my marriage!! I guess I need to get that through my thick skull first and foremost. Also, I am not feeling like I'm in my marriage ready to die, I phrased that poorly. What I meant is that my husband and I have a bond and have taken vows together that we would grow old (and eventually die) together. When I said that, I meant this ym's life is only just beginning, he SHOULD be out there dating and having fun & being crazy & living life to its fullest extent. My life, at my age, however, is winding down, and of chief importance to me at this stage of the game is ensuring that my future is laid out for me - with a home, an old age partner, financial security, etc. That's all I meant. Sorry if I made it sound as if I had resigned myself to something otherwise.

Anyway, I think tonight is going to be the 'big' night as far as having this talk with the ym. I will let you all know how it turns out, and again, I thank you all very much for your opinions & advice on this matter.

I too am glad that you didn't take any of our advice as judgements aganist you. It was not, alot of the women here have lost so much through infidelity and they have shown me and you how important the taking of vows between a husband and wife is paramount to the existence of your family.

Yes, this ym gave you a different feeling of love that only comes when we first meet, date and are getting to know our partners, but you and I both know that unless there's something else to sustain you, the first bloom of love fades and then the task of real love takes over and it is that love that is essential to support you through the ups and downs of a more mature relationship.

One of my fav quotes by dr phil is, "If you want to have a good partner, you have to be a good partner."

And he is so right...maybe your marriage isn't as fresh as when you both started, gosh, its so much better don't you think. So many would give anything to be in your place. As sally said, forgive yourself. Now turn towards your husband, and live well.

paris

Lost Soul......first and foremost, I wish you a speedy recovery from your surgery. It seems that you've decided on a course or action and wanted wish you well and tell you that you have the courage to do the right thing...whatever that is for you and your family. It seems you have given the matter some very deep thought....as the matter deserves and have prob already decided what course of action you will take. I commend you.....if you feel u need a shot of courage....think about all the thoughts that were presented to you in this forum, that may give you the support you need. This is a very difficult thing that you are about to do and I dont think any of us who posted or read your post think otherwise....

Having said that, as I read your post, your words conveyed a sense of guilt associated with the online/ym thing. And as most of us know or have experienced, that when we've f'd up the first thing that comes to mind is to confess. Confession is good for the soul(but as we all know...confession is probably only good for the confessor!). I'll prob get flamed for this....and I don't condone dishonesty, but please fight the urge to "confess" to your husband about the online thing w/the ym. If your husband doesn't know about it by now, I don't see how telling him about it will edify your relationship. While it may clear your conscience, make you feel better, and however well-intentioned it may be.....the damage it leaves in its wake may be irreparable. He may lose the trust he has in you and a myriad of other feelings/thoughts may creep into his brain as a result, when NOTHING physical happened!!! If he does ask or if he does know.....by ALL MEANS come clean and be honest. The old adage that the "truth hurts" is very true...but the truth can also be "hurtful". It seems that your husband is a very innocent party to all of this and I just dont see how hurting him w/the truth would be kinder, gentler thing do.

Peace to you and have courage........

I dont pretend to have the market cornered on this subject of confession.....so if you have a diff point of view...by all means, plz share. I'm always open to learning from others....