special K
03-25-2004, 12:47 AM
Hi All....
Wellllll......ahemmm......
Thanks for the followups on my last post, and your concern. (I'm here, Jodi, I'm here:D )
So, after I read everyone's thoughts, as always I took the advice, mulled it over, asked other friends in real life (who know me and my ex ym), and even asked my counselor what to do (she knew my ym too). With all the wisdom, I gleaned what I needed to make the best decision for me. Where, at first I wanted to give him a brief but to-the-point dissertation of sorts (kind, but honest) I decided instead to meet him, sign the paper, and keep it simple but pleasant and upbeat. It was important TO ME to have him see me one last time happy , upbeat and confident...since the last times have been, uhhhh, much less so :( The having-him-mail-the-paper-to-me idea might feel good to some and be a good answer for a few, but in the end I felt like it would come off as too vindictive....not my style.
So, here's how it went.
He called me Friday with the original request to meet him to sign off on the title. I told him the time was not convenient (what I actually said was that I was out of town, and that I was meeting someone later so it wouldn't work for me.....all true), and he said he'd call back the next day to see if we could set up a time that would work. I posted here, talked to friends, got lots of good advice, mulled it over. I decided that I wouldn't commit to meeting him until I felt good about how I would handle it to insure that afterwards I would walk away feeling closure, and happy that I did the right thing. Sooooooo.....he called me 5 times in the next 3 days! I didn't pick up. He probably got to feel the bite of being ignored like I did, or at least helpless in trying to make contact. He never left a voicemail message, but his work number came up on my cellphone screen, I knew it was him. I wasn't ready to talk yet, and besides, it was on my terms now, so he had to wait.
Finally, he left a voicemail message. I made sure to return his call when I was at coffee last night with a bunch of friends and there was laughter, music and conversation in the background;) I told him I could only meet him today at 10:30am, and that I would like it to be at a nuetral palce (he suggested coming to my house and I said, "No, I'd feel better meeting somewhere nuetral"). My terms again. He agreed to meet at the coffee house.
I was there on time, beautiful and happy. I said "hi" in a confident, joyful (totally normal as I used to be with him...like nothing was wrong) tone. He looked depressed and evasive. I just stayed upbeat and took the paper and signed it. As I handed it to him I said, "I truly wish you the best of everything, always, K---", reached up and gave him a big hug, said goodbye, and walked away. He stood there for about a minute as I drove away...probably stunned....expecting something a lot different (mean spirited, retaliation, maybe). My happiness and lighthearted approach made the impact I'd hoped, and most importantly, I felt good about how I handeled it. I had the last word, and I was kind.
I drove away with the BIGGEST smile on my face. I gotta tell ya....it felt like I JUST BROKE UP WITH HIM, the closure was so palpable because I was in control of my demeanor and purpose.
It was the right thing to do in my case, knowing him.
He is young, and although he has displayed total-jerk behavior in the recent past, I do know that he loved me more than anything at one point ...and he's just been handling things the best way he knows how (which happens to feel bad to me).
Just like so many of you mentioned in your posts....he could be afraid of hurting me more than he knows he already has by leaving, or maybe his new gf is pressuring him to not have contact, or maybe he's afraid that if he is kind I will have hope, or maybe he is afraid that if he looks at me and is genuine he'll see the woman he loved and want to come back ???? Who knows the answer. I don't...but I'm willing to wager he didn't do any of it because he wants to make me feel like scum intentionally; he loved me too much at one point to want that.
I'd rather build bridges than walls, and I feel now like I've done that. It doesn't matter if he ever crosses that bridge, but at least when he reflects back on the last time he saw me, there will be nothing negative he can pin on me about it.
That feels good to ME, and that's what matters at this point:D
Havin girl's night massage-party and Japanese takeout tomorrow...anyone wanna come ?!! Celebration time!!!
Hugs to everyone....thanks for praying and thinking about me..
Karen
Wellllll......ahemmm......
Thanks for the followups on my last post, and your concern. (I'm here, Jodi, I'm here:D )
So, after I read everyone's thoughts, as always I took the advice, mulled it over, asked other friends in real life (who know me and my ex ym), and even asked my counselor what to do (she knew my ym too). With all the wisdom, I gleaned what I needed to make the best decision for me. Where, at first I wanted to give him a brief but to-the-point dissertation of sorts (kind, but honest) I decided instead to meet him, sign the paper, and keep it simple but pleasant and upbeat. It was important TO ME to have him see me one last time happy , upbeat and confident...since the last times have been, uhhhh, much less so :( The having-him-mail-the-paper-to-me idea might feel good to some and be a good answer for a few, but in the end I felt like it would come off as too vindictive....not my style.
So, here's how it went.
He called me Friday with the original request to meet him to sign off on the title. I told him the time was not convenient (what I actually said was that I was out of town, and that I was meeting someone later so it wouldn't work for me.....all true), and he said he'd call back the next day to see if we could set up a time that would work. I posted here, talked to friends, got lots of good advice, mulled it over. I decided that I wouldn't commit to meeting him until I felt good about how I would handle it to insure that afterwards I would walk away feeling closure, and happy that I did the right thing. Sooooooo.....he called me 5 times in the next 3 days! I didn't pick up. He probably got to feel the bite of being ignored like I did, or at least helpless in trying to make contact. He never left a voicemail message, but his work number came up on my cellphone screen, I knew it was him. I wasn't ready to talk yet, and besides, it was on my terms now, so he had to wait.
Finally, he left a voicemail message. I made sure to return his call when I was at coffee last night with a bunch of friends and there was laughter, music and conversation in the background;) I told him I could only meet him today at 10:30am, and that I would like it to be at a nuetral palce (he suggested coming to my house and I said, "No, I'd feel better meeting somewhere nuetral"). My terms again. He agreed to meet at the coffee house.
I was there on time, beautiful and happy. I said "hi" in a confident, joyful (totally normal as I used to be with him...like nothing was wrong) tone. He looked depressed and evasive. I just stayed upbeat and took the paper and signed it. As I handed it to him I said, "I truly wish you the best of everything, always, K---", reached up and gave him a big hug, said goodbye, and walked away. He stood there for about a minute as I drove away...probably stunned....expecting something a lot different (mean spirited, retaliation, maybe). My happiness and lighthearted approach made the impact I'd hoped, and most importantly, I felt good about how I handeled it. I had the last word, and I was kind.
I drove away with the BIGGEST smile on my face. I gotta tell ya....it felt like I JUST BROKE UP WITH HIM, the closure was so palpable because I was in control of my demeanor and purpose.
It was the right thing to do in my case, knowing him.
He is young, and although he has displayed total-jerk behavior in the recent past, I do know that he loved me more than anything at one point ...and he's just been handling things the best way he knows how (which happens to feel bad to me).
Just like so many of you mentioned in your posts....he could be afraid of hurting me more than he knows he already has by leaving, or maybe his new gf is pressuring him to not have contact, or maybe he's afraid that if he is kind I will have hope, or maybe he is afraid that if he looks at me and is genuine he'll see the woman he loved and want to come back ???? Who knows the answer. I don't...but I'm willing to wager he didn't do any of it because he wants to make me feel like scum intentionally; he loved me too much at one point to want that.
I'd rather build bridges than walls, and I feel now like I've done that. It doesn't matter if he ever crosses that bridge, but at least when he reflects back on the last time he saw me, there will be nothing negative he can pin on me about it.
That feels good to ME, and that's what matters at this point:D
Havin girl's night massage-party and Japanese takeout tomorrow...anyone wanna come ?!! Celebration time!!!
Hugs to everyone....thanks for praying and thinking about me..
Karen