Women as their own Worst Enemies

I think its funny how frequently we refer to "society's" problem with OW-YM dating, when if fact it is far more frequently an issue of other WOMEN having problem with it. My male friends have no issues with my dating women in their fifties. Other women on the other hand - should it come up in conversation - are too frequently aghast at the notion.

Since I began online dating I have had three "significant" relationships with women between 52 and 60. If I am on a date with a woman in my own "age range" I need to be deliberately circumspect about the age of the women I have been involved with. If - in the course of a conversation about our Match experiences - she should mention seeing someone who was four or five years older and I was to counter with the fact that "the Joan I have spoken of" was 60...my GOD the reaction!

I guess my only point is...if women want to keep the door to dating YM open in the future they should be more encouraging of the practice when they are in their thirties!

Although in theory I would tend to agree with you, my experience in the past was that both my friends (women and some men) and my ex's friends (men) were against and had problems accepting the age gap.

The difference was that his male friends and my male friends stuck with us until the end. My female friends, on the contrary, left me for good, except for one. She's a widow and I had supported her during all the pain she went through.

I wonder if it's true that women judge more, or if it's just because women are more outspoken and care to discuss relationships more than men in general, and being more emotional about things, tend to go a bit too far sometimes to the point of destroying friendships.

Maria, I think women just tend to be more jealous and catty! :D

Actually, the people who seem to have the most problems with the OW/YM relationship are the young women and the older men. Now since those two groups have been hooking up with each other for ages, what pool did they think the OW and YM were going to choose from? :confused:

Seriously tho, Joe and I have not encountered any negative responses from any group . . . just my daughter :( And like I have said before, her main issue is not our age gap as much as the changes I have made to myself since my divorce.

As with any new swing from what is considered the norm, it takes some people a while to "go with the flow." But I think they'd better get used to it, because I believe it's here to stay.

I have to say I completely disagree with the affirmation about younger women in my case!! :p

Younger women have been much more understanding, actually they have just told me plainly "where is the problem? you are happy, he's happy, why should anyone care?". My friends were between 33 and 43, which I consider my generation, and were against.

The older generation of men, I can't say, I only had one friend, and I don't think he really cared about the age gap at that time, but more about the kind of personality my ex had. Male friends my age found it a bit funny, but nothing really serious.

Maybe you are right about the catty and jealous thing, though!

Originally posted by Raven Magdalene
If they do, then they are judging not only whom I date but also not accepting of me as a whole...

I think you just hit the nail on the head!! If your friends are not accepting of who you choose to have a relationship with, they are also not accepting of you. And to go one further, if they are not accepting of your judgment of who you choose to spend time with, what does that say about you choosing them as a friend! Bet they never look at it that way. :)

I think acceptance is very individual and depends more on the woman's upbringing and background. I think you'll find that people who have a problem with agegap relationships will generally not be as liberal and forgiving about other things in life.

It has been true, however, that women can be very cruel to each other. Our society pits them against each other in a sort of competition for the best man. Some women don't much care fo the idea that they are being beaten out by someone much older. You know how our society worships Youth and Beauty. The women who worship in that temple are not likely to be understanding of your agegap relationship because they find it threatening. They have low self-esteem and the idea that you would choose an older woman really rocks them because it makes them feel even more unsure about themselves.

And we still don't have the concept of "sisterhood" that we should have. It's one thing I always liked about the Lesbian community -- they stick together more than straight women do and as a result are more likely to be understanding and even helpful.

As for the idea of friends not accepting your relationship... Well, friends are supposed to stick by you, or at least have your welfare as their concern. "Friends" who can't accept your relationship just because it's different, aren't friends. They are people who like you when you act just like they do and frankly, no one needs "friends" like that.

My husband Dave and I have a 26 year gap and so far no one has been unpleasant about it. We aren't in the closet and tell everyone and so far no one has reacted badly. It's probably just a matter of time, but we will weather it because it's hard to be negative at people who are happy. :D

Peace,
Jane (56) who adores Dave (30)

I agree with what everyone has so eloquently written here, as you all have covered the many different bases regarding this "newer phenomena". I lost one dear friend of 22 years over this, and upon reflection, she was what BearsAngel had observed, never very liberal nor very forgiving. Also, from what I have observed and lived through thus far in my life, many women are catty and jealous, and when a man enter's the picture , well, 'sisterhood' often flies out the window as well ..... and this is just the part of the facts of life.

It's been my personal experience that the younger women have been more critical of the OW/YM relationship. The one's I have encountered either say negative things about it or just don't know what to say. I've only had one older guy in his 40's comment some negativity but he had issues with everything in this world. I get the most compliments about my OW/YM relationship from males between 18-55 who date nothinig but younger women. And I have had some older women compliment the issue of an OW/YM relationship and they are happily married to older men.

We'll never have facts on which social group says what the most. All we can go buy is observation and experience. :)

The funniest criticism I faced was from an older woman who's own husband is 13 years older than her.

If I was 25 and my man 40, nobody would bat an eyelash. Go figure.


While at first, many in my family and group of friends were maybe a bit taken back by our age difference (like my dad pointing out I could be my man's mom), everybody seems to have accepted and embraced our relationship now. Probably because they see how happy we are together.

Viva la différence!

Girl

Its still not what the worlds perception is of a normal relationship. so i think people are taken back like when the first interracial couples had to get out there and be seen... its ok to be uncomfortable, hopefully they get to know us, see that the couples are together just cause they love eachother.

wemon have had to do so much to get where we are, so now we reap the benefits by still be able to love after the kids, after the husband, after the career..... it says alot about wemon in general... and by gosh we deserve it. wemon with a little of the real life experience ROCK.

Well I'm in my 30's, but I watched the movie `Harold and Maude' when I was in my early twenties.

For those of you who haven't watched this great movie, go and find it..please!!!

Its about a deep, socially uncomfortable, spirtual but depressed male teenager having a love affair with an upbeat vibrant elderly lady.

She was inflamed and infected by the beauty and wonder of life and people. Her love of life inspired him, and rescued from his depression. They feel deeply in love. It was the most touching movie I've EVER watched and really illuminated the fact that love is about connection, inspiration, and personality.

My boyfirend at the time MADE me watch it...it was his all- time favourite film.

Anyway Keefer, if you'd been indoctrinated from birth into believing that you need to look like 14 year old stick-insect to have sustained love in your life.....if this was confirmed by your male peers and many of your boyfriends.......then maybe you'd understand how difficult it is for women to value themselves as they age.

Frankly, you're a guy and your self esteem leans on a whole patriachal system which protects you from self-image issues. Its easy to be judgmental and superior when you come from a position of male privilege. We females don't have that advantage. The fact that any women at all have a even a small sense of being valuable to men is a miracle.

Sorry.....I got a bit off track there:))) I wish more guys really understood the seriousness of the media assault on our self esteems.

Anyway, I want to confirm that I have found the twenty-something age group in women very unsupportive of my relationship. I love how bearsangel worded this:

``You know how our society worships Youth and Beauty. The women who worship in that temple are not likely to be understanding of your agegap relationship because they find it threatening'''

YES! thanks for saying this.

Women like this scare me to pieces, and I know I've got to learn to deal with it somehow. I've never in my life recieved so much open disrespect from young women....flirting with my bf openly in front of me, `friends' trying to set him up with younger women, ignoring the fact that my bf is part of a couple......the list goes on.

Its very emotionally straining dealing with so much open competition and attempts at relationship sabotage from younger women when I'm also coming to terms with aging for the first time in my life. But I'm taking it one step at a time.

Originally posted by Bella_D
Women like this scare me to pieces, and I know I've got to learn to deal with it somehow. I've never in my life recieved so much open disrespect from young women....flirting with my bf openly in front of me, `friends' trying to set him up with younger women, ignoring the fact that my bf is part of a couple......the list goes on.

Bella, don't let them scare you. They are showing their insecurities too when they flirt with your bf because you scare them. They have a hard time coping with us winning out over their youth and beauty. I just smile at them, because they, too, will be in our shoes someday!

And those "friends" who try to set your bf up with younger women?? DROP THEM!!! They are no friends if they are doing that to you.:mad: