Coping with a ow/ym long-distance relationship

Hello. I'm new to this forum. I'm 31 years old and I recently met someone online who I found out later is 60. She's an Englishwoman who lives in Scotland, I am an American residing in L.A. We bantered and chatted with each other for a while online before we discovered each other's ages. When we did we were quite dejected and thought that maybe we should settle for friendship. But I soon discovered that my feelings for her were more than that of a friend and I declared my love for her. She was hesitant at first because she thought that it would be unfair to me to be involved with someone so much older and that I would be giving up the chance of ever having a family if our relationship ever became permanent, but when I told that I was willing to forego that if this relationship between us ended up being lasting, she consented.

We have been chatting online for nearly two months now and are making preparations to meet later in the spring. We spend nearly all our free time talking to each other via audio conversations online. I have told her my entire life's story and have felt a great comfort in her soothing counsels and patient attention to all my anxieties and fears. She has been through several painful divorces and was very wary of entering a relationship again. This fact weighs heavily on me and I am reluctant to give her a fresh grief should things not work out between us but she says that she understood the possibilty of a painful breaking-up when she accepted my love.

I am also sad about the fact that if this relationship does go forward I am likely to be parted from her when I'm middle-aged. The thought of ever losing her strikes me with profound anguish and I can only console myself by thinking of other things.

Also the physical separation gets harder as time goes by. It is harder to bear because we have never met and, although we've exchanged photos, we cannot form any distinct images in our minds of each other's appearance and behaviour. This time of waiting is extremely difficult. I would appreciate any advice from the people here on how to proceed. I love her dearly and am torn between the possibilty of finding happiness with her and the possibilty of heartbreak for the both of us.

Hi James, welcome to Agelesslove.

I understand the concerns that you and she are facing. But, I am always of the opinion that genuine happiness does not come along very often and you should enjoy it while you can.

In your case, seems like you have two main things you would need to think about before deciding whether to pursue a commitment with her and that is the distance (someone would have to move) and whether you can deal with not having any children. Once you are clear on your position on those two issues, you will know in your heart what to do. If you find that you love her, and are prepared to not have children, and one of you is willing to move, then enjoy the time you would have together. Happiness does not happen very often.

I wish you and her all the best as you continue to sort things out.

Thank you, Whiterose, for your kind and encourging response. I'm sorry I did not reply earlier. I find myself spending all my free time chatting with F. on the yahoo voice messenger when I'm not at work and I scarcely want to do anything else right now.

Yes, those two considerations are important, i.e. moving to another country and forgoing the possibilty of having children. I did not think they would be that significant at first but they do give me something to wonder about, at least the moving abroad does. I'm not particularly concerned about not having children, but I do wonder how I will fit in Glasgow, if I decide to stay there. To add to the mystery of this for me, I've never before travelled out of the U.S. so I have no idea what to expect when I come there.

F.has been immensely reassuring though in all this and has not tried to influence my decision about our relationship, letting me decide how we should proceed. I love her very dearly and want to do all I can to make her happy but I sometimes find that my anxieties about this relationship intrude upon the bliss of our conversations. My greatest anxiety is about her age and its susceptibilty to illness and inertia. Although F. is perfectly healthy and seems quite vivacious, I find myself puzzling over how many good years we will have together. I know nothing in life is a given and that any of us could die tomorrow, but I can't seem totally to shake off this fear that she will not be as active as I am or that she might take ill soon. She and others tell me that the only way to dispel these fears is for us to meet and see if this love is for real. If it is, then those fears should disappear.

Another anxiety I have is about hurting her loving heart if this relationship doesn't work out. She has been through several failed marriages and was justifiably wary of entering another relationship when I first made my feelings known to her. I love her very much and I would do anything to save her another heartbreak. Even though I have a very strong feeling that this will work out well between us and for that reason have decided to continue with this, I of course cannot say with certainty that this relationship absolutely will not fail. I sometimes think that if there is even a remote possibility of hurting F. and thus bringing pain to her who has suffered so much already, it might be best to withdraw and spare her the risk of another disaster. She says she understood that possibilty yet decided to accept my love anyway despite the risks. I want to pursue my own happiness in this relationship but I also want to be conscientious about her feelings and personal history. Right now it is a struggle to restrain my mind from anticipating what the future will be like between us. I'm trying to enjoy the time we have before we meet in late May or early June.

Hi James,

The main thing that concerns me about your predicament is the distance. Did you have a burning desire to relocate to Scotland before you met this lady?

I live in the UK and recently moved in with a lady I met online who lives about 3-4 hours away by train. I moved in within a month of meeting her and we broke up within three months of that!

I left my job and my accomodation to live in a remote rural area. I was unable to find work in this location which came as a huge shock as I have never been out of work for long in my home region.

As a NON-DRIVER (I'd never felt the need before) I was effectively under house arrest!

This lovely lady whose company had been so wonderful before started to behave like Dr Jeckyll and Mrs Hyde. Very loving one minute and a total psycho alcoholic the next.

I couldn't figure out what I was doing to piss her off all the time. I made myself ill with worry and felt like I was continually crying, apologising and "walking on eggshells".

Turns out I wasn't doing anything very wrong. She was just a nasty, manipulative person who had all the power in the relationship.

If we lived closer there would have been NO rush to move in. If she threw a psycho fit at me I would have had the refuge of my own place AND a job!

Luckily, I got my old job and accomodation back. Phew!

So, if you want to move to Scotland, just make sure you have your OWN accomodation and work sorted out first.

I hope it works out for you buddy and I hope that your lady is 100 times nicer than mine was.

Good Luck!

I agree with CorporateSnooze's recommendations, James. And, I would also add that you take your time before deciding to move either of you anywhere. While it is good that you are meeting early on in your relationship, you've only been talking a couple of months online. Take plenty of time to get to know her before making any long-term plans.

I also think that you should make sure that she understands completely about your worries about the possibility of things not working out in the future between you. Keep discussing this issue and don't ever let her assume that you have a future together if you are having reservations. So, continue to keep the communication open with her about this.

First of all, welcome to Ageless! As we have many couples who went, or are going through similar situations to yours, I am sure you'll learn a lot, as much about the bad side as about the good side of a LDR.

Second I will be moving you to Relationship Support where you will find more space to discuss your situation with other members, as Chit Chat moves too quickly and is not the best place for you thread.

Third, I am now staying with my boyfriend who lives in NH whilst I live in Europe. We met online in october, decided to meet early on in the relationship but as I had already set a long trip to my native Brazil we had to wait until March to meet. He came to Europe and we met in London. Our first contact was just wonderful, we spent 7 days together and thought it was worth continuing and even impossible to stop growing together in love.

Now I am here for 5 weeks. This is definitely a great test to our relationship but we still have two more meetings planned this year, before he's over with college and I'm all set with my work. We are going step by step and I think it's the best thing.

As Corporate's case shows, sometimes moving in together too soon is a big risk and we are both very much in love but also very careful of what we are doing to ourselves and to each other. Meet more than once, give yourself lots of time together with her when you meet, so that you can have a better idea of whom she really is.

And be sure that you both have the possibilities and the will to move in together in future if things go well.

I am the woman with whom Jim is corresponding and he's very fairly laid out the course our correspondence and feelings have taken so far.

Like him, I'm concerned about the direction our relationship may take and, for that reason, we've agreed that he comes over to Scotland for a month or two in Summer to see how we get on. He'll then be returning to the States while we decide what to do next. We're both aware that what we feel now will have to be tested out in reality, which is why no decisions other than meeting will be taken for a while yet. I don't want Jim to be hurt by rushing into a relationship with me and then finding he's made the wrong choice.

Had anyone said to me in January that I would meet up with someone interested in me on an online politics discussion board, I'd have been incredulous. A relationship wasn't something I was looking for, but it soon became clear through our discussions there that more than political talk was happening, and that was confirmed when we began corresponding.

At first, both of us were rattled by the strength our feelings for each other, but we're both sensible enough to realize that we need to take time to get to know each other well.

Jim has put up his concerns: like him, I wonder how the age difference and, perhaps, my future health will affect us. I'm also aware that he gives up the possibility of having children should we settle into something more permanent and that he will be separated from his family and friends should he move to Scotland. It'll be a huge readjustment for him to have to make all at one go.

My own major concern is that having been married before, can I now make a success of this relationship with Jim? It's an issue I struggle with, but Jim is emotionally open with me - we talk about everything, even though we don't agree on all things - and that's hugely reassuring.

All I can say for now is that I'm really looking forward to meeting him. For the rest, we'll have to take it from there.

Its always a treat to have both couples here and posting. I think its normal to have all of the feelings/concerns that you guys are exploring. Taking it one step at a time is key. You will both feel better after the irl meeting has taken place. Coming here was a big step toward support.

Welcome FIE. I think it's great that both you and James are seeking support. I hope that your first meeting goes well. :)

Thank you all for posting on this thread and for the advice you have offered us.

CorporateSnooze,

I'm sorry about the unpleasant experience that you describe in your post and it does remind me of some of the obstacles I might have to overcome if I decide to move. Nonetheless I have no fear that F. will be anything like that lady that you were involved with. She is one of the sweetest, most selfless person whom I have ever known and I know she would never try to manipulate me.

I am aware of the need to guard againt being hasty in this, especially since it involves settling in a different country, but I do not see any clear and good options here. Everything will involve some difficulty and risk for both of us. The main difference between our situation and yours is immigration. As a foreigner, I can only stay in Britain for up to 6 months and cannot work there . Neither F. nor I make enough money to travel overseas frequently and indeed this trip will strain my finances more than a bit. It is true that if I move in with her, I will lose my job and my apartment here in Hollywood which is exceedingly cheap considering the area, but I do not really feel any great worry about it. Jobs and affordable rent can be found again, but love of this degree is so rare. I would be greatly saddened if we tried this and it didn't work out but I'd regret it possibly for the rest of my life if I let go the opportunity to find true and lasting happiness with such a beautiful soul as F. because I clung to my customary comforts and wasn't willing to take a chance on this feeling.

Whiterose,

yes, I have been as candid as I could with F. about the whole range of emotions that I have felt. Indeed her kind voice and gentle manner invite candor from me and I couldn't hold back my feelings from her long before I divulged them. The last thing I want to do is hurt her by being untruthful or deceptive about my feelings.

She has been a very prescient and soothing counsellor to me through all the diffiulties we have faced. Originally I was greatly perturbed by the prospect of having to tell my family about our relationship, but she guessed that it wouldn't be as overwhelming an ordeal as I imagined it would be and she was right. Although everyone in my family except my sister strongly objects to this relationship and are besides themselves with wonder and disgust, I have found their opposition much easier to bear than I thought I would at first. An instance perhaps of my fears being greater than the reality. I hope my other worries about this will also prove to be as unfounded.

Hi JamesK and Fie,
So lovely to hear from you both, I am in a LDR with a wonderful loving sweet kind generous man who happens to be 23, and I am 54. So I think out age gap is similar. We talked for almost a year before we met in person, but luckily we both were who we said we were and everything fell into place. At first I had a hard time cause I wanted to hear his voice thru my headset, lol and talk thru the computer as that was how we had done, but the month he was here was lovely, as were the 3 weeks at Christmas and 3 at my birthday, everytime gets better deeper more intimate and lovely, now I am going to see him in Denmark, this summer,I live in the United States, I have never traveled abroad and I am anxious myself, but I feel if you have been honest as possible online that it should be an easy switch over to real life, yes it has some differences but I wouldnt trade it for anything. Gil

Many thanks, Gilraen, for your comments. It's heartening to hear that you've found ways through an LDR.

We're due to meet for the first time in early summer and, hopefully, we'll have other meetings after that if all goes well.

I don't want Jim to be hurt by rushing into a relationship with me and then finding he's made the wrong choice. Or YOU rushing in and making the wrong choice.... I think it is wonderful that you both are concerned for the other's feelings. However, if you are emotionally healthy people, you will treasure whatever form the relationship takes and grow from there.

My guy is 35 and I am 57. Our LD relationship journey is wonderful and we are very happy. We meet for the 3rd time June 2nd. This time we will be together for 2 months.

Welcome to Ageless and here's to a great beginning! ;)

Yellowrose,

Many thanks for your comments and, no, neither of us will be rushing our relationship. The distance between the US and UK, as well as work commitments, are seeing to that in the short term and there are other issues we still have to discuss in more depth.

We're impatient to meet, though, but patience is one of the virtues we're both having to learn in this. Damn it! Lol.