Wanting to strangle someone or "My Easter"

Ya know...I'm getting kind of tired of t hings. And my cruise can't come soon enough...

A little back story. Back years ago, my paternal grandfather, on Good Friday, would get all of the father and sons together...and we would go to a men's breakfast. It was about father and sons. Well, when he p***ed away, my grandmother wanted it to keep going...in the form of everyone getting together on Good Friday. For awhile, it was fine. After all, it became a problem because my father couldn't go...

And, that upset me, because the tradition, while changing...was losing someone. This happened for years. Well, we tried to get it changed..but, she wouldn't do it. FINALLY, this year she was supposed to change it. Why? Not because of my dad...but rather, because one of my cousins couldn't go on Good Friday, he worked. Fine. My dad would get to go. WRONG. Last week, she changed it back. That was the last straw. I said to my dad, I'm not going and he said, "I understand, it's fine." My mother was going ot go, but on Friday morning, she was sick...

Fast forward to Sunday...my dad invites my grandmother for Easter dinner...

She walks in the door, we say "Hi" and she sits down. My mother goes to her and tries to apologize for not going. My grandmother looked my mother straight in the face and said, "No, I don't think you're sorry." She starts abusing my mother verbally...it continues, my dad steps in to try to call his mother off. She won't listen...she keeps going. At this point, I'm pissed...and I walk out of the house...take a drive for five minutes, figure...when I get back, it'll be over...

WRONG!

I get back and she is still berating my parents. And then, she has the audacity to say that my dad and I walk all over my mother...we treat her badly, we take advantage of her and use her as a door mat. This is all WRONG and a lie. But wait, it gets better! She then points to me and says that I am the reason my mother didn't go...that my parents didn't teach me certain lessons and that I should be taught them. At this point, I'm TORQUED! I get up to walk out and she says another comment to me...and I turn right around. All the time, my dad has been telling me, "Just let it roll off your back, she's a bitter woman." Well, she pushed the wrong damn button...

I turn around and I speak up. I say, "Grandma, please...I love you." She interrupts me and says, "No, I don't think you do love me." Well, I was floored! My mother starts crying at this point. And let me tell you, NO ONE makes my mother cry. I yell in a voice so low and bellowing that the Devil himself just messed himself, "DON'T YOU DARE MAKE MY MOTHER CRY!" My mother shoots off the couch, crying and wraps her arms around me, I believe out of fear...that I was going to knock my grandmother out of her chair...

My dad, having had enough...says to my grandmother, "Get up, you're going home." Well, this sets my mother off, because she feels that she caused all this starts to yell and cry, "Oh god I want to die...I just want to die." This scares the hell out of me...I wrap her up into my arms and try to get her out of thier...my knees, folks, are visibly shaking and I'm about to lose my balance. I yell at my dad, "GET HER THE HELL OUT OF THIS HOUSE!! GET HER OUT NOW!"

My grandmother then proceeds to drudge up stuff from 15...20....25....30...50 years ago! She says that I'm the only child that never went out of thier way to visit her. Folks, this was when I couldn't drive, young. The reason why I didn't spend as much time with her? My other four cousins, two brother/sister combo, thier parents all worked. My mother retired before she had me. They were SHIPPED off to her...I spent my time with my mother...and I believe that I wouldn't have as a wonderful bond with her as I do now, if I didn't spend that time with her. She starts spouting off about this crap...she brings up stuff my dad said when he was THREE...

Read that again please...

WHEN HE WAS THREE!!

My mother had at least calmed down by this point...

The jist is this...though. My dad and I, are the black sheep of our family. My grandmother has NEVER gone out of her way to make me feel welcome in our family. It was always my grandfather...

It wasn't for my late grandfather, my dad and grandmother wouldn't even be talking to one another. Back right after I was born, thier was an argument...and he brought them back together...

My dad and I know that...him and I are now disliked by most of our family. But, we don't care...there has been alot of manipulation, and jealousy that has gone on in the last bunch of years. Him and I are best friends and two black sheep together...

She was just looking for a reason to try to tear us down, to try to drag our name through the mud...

And she did...

And she ruined our Easter...

We talked about it tonight and my dad thinks that...she wished that he would of died instead of my grandfather. And, I'll tell you folks something that IS, concievably true, after all the horrible things she said to the three of us on Sunday...

I know this is may not make sense to alot of ya....but, I just needed to vent about this...

Thanks ya'll...

~Dan

geez Dan. No words of wisdom from me. It sounds horrible. I am so sorry for you. You Are lucky you have wonderful parents though and are so close to them, and sound like a team.

she do sound like a bitter b****> that likes to manipulate everyone around her to make them feel guilty for the things SHE does!

hugs

I have no mother, father, aunts, uncles, cousins, or grandparents. I have one brother I haven't seen in 20 years.

There have been times in my life I thought I got the short straw.

And MANY other times I figure... I am so much happier without the family strife.

I know there are functional families out there, I hear the fairy tales, but mostly Dan, I hear stories like yours.

So I am blessed. Don't pound on me here folks, but as an introvert with absolutlely no tolerance for quarrels, I figure I am blessed.

I am so sorry your family has to go through this, and why is it always on holidays? Holidays bring out the worst in families, I guess because the expectation is closeness and unity, but a dysfunctional family just gets uglier at those times.

Dan, I'm sorry.

Sounds like a typical holiday in my family. Sorry! Just had to say that. I'm so sorry that you guys had to go through this on Easter! Or anytime for that matter. Family feuding is the pits. :(

Thanks ya'll...*smiles*

Abby, I am lucky. I know that. I mean, I honestly expected my dad to be angry at me for popping off and yelling as I did. But, he wasn't. Later last night, all he did was smile and laugh and pat me on the back and said not to worry about it...

I mean, he's her first born son and...even he has had enough. And you're right, she is a bitter ole witch, if ya know what I mean. And....even though I should be mourning a loss, I guess you could say....I'm not. Because, she never really was a grandparent to me...even though we included her in all aspects of my life. *Hugs*

Swan....you won't get any pounding from me...because, I just about wish I was in your shoes. I'd rather have no family, except for my parents. My aunts/uncles and cousins, never did a thing for me. Next to my relatives, hell, we look like royalty!

And you know, Swan, I've been trying to figure out the same thing...why it's always on the holidays? Because I can't come up with a legit reason. She could of said what she said, heck, years ago...but, she choose a holiday. Simply amazing...ya know? *Hugs*...thanks...

Whiterose...typical holiday for you? *Hugs* I'm sorry! Family fueding is the pits, you're right...but, I'm glad it came out now...before I would have a family, before I would expose those people to her and her ways. *Hugs*

Poll lover....to be honest, I've pretty much written her off. As far as I'm concerned...if she thinks I don't love her...then I don't. ANd thus, I don't have any grandparents life...or ties that bind me to the rest of my idiot relatives...

*Sighs*

~Dan

Dan,

I know your yo-yo. It's green.

Grams is jealous for what you have with your parents, that's all she has left. I wonder what your grampa had to go through. No one joined her pity party. What a ...trollop!
:rolleyes:

She must've had a sad life, but don't take that on your shoulders. It's not like she was a loving person who just became mean because of age, or a new-found chemical imbalance...
She's whacked. How do I know? My mom is whacked too.
You just wrote my life. The one I let go.
My son is my family. Theo is my family and oddly enough, ageless is my family.

[dream sequence]
Dontcha wish it was like Willie Wonka and your grams was like
Mike TV...and you could've just zapped her into tiny little particles and she would've just been like static, wriggling around the ceiling area until it was time for her to go home....perhaps she would've been reassembled a bit *sweeter* :) -- and you could have just sat down and had a nice meal![/dream sequence]

Who says you can't choose your family? Chose your mom (who has great taste in digging household appliances) and your dad (your buddy, your pal) and ageless....and those friends IRL that are truly worthy.

(hand on the shoulder)
Easter is over...
Next month: The Cruise!

(hug)

:p

(An idea: have easter again. talk to your mom and dad, put a meal together and enjoy what should've been the first time 'round!):p

Dan,
I am so sorry that your Easter was ruined.
You are not alone,
as I have had the same thing happen to me
in the past and it is a terrible feeling.
It is especially hard when someone elderly causes
the problem, as we are raised to respect our elders
and all of that, but they can sure ruin a good time when
they get a mind to.

It's very sad when the elderly become so bitter
about things in the past.
Please try to not let it eat at you
and remember that your grandmother really is
the one who suffers the most-
as she is so unhappy.

My ex mother-in-law ruined a Christmas for me one
year with her big mouth
and it is an experience I'll never foget.
I spent the whole day crying and throwing up.
My ex didn't know what to do as he couldn't, (and still can't),
admit that his mother was wrong.
I vowed to never spend another Chistmas, (or any other
holiday), with her again-
and I stood by that.

I know most of your pain was for your mother
and it was very unfair that your grandmother turned
on her like that.
Is your grandmother mentally okay?
I know my Dad got very rude and abrupt towards
all of us when he came down with alziemers.
It got real ugly with him a few times, but he couldn't
control himself.
It was part of the disease.

Big hug for you my friend
and once again, I am sorry your Easter was ruined.
I guess you can be grateful it's over and
I hope you don't have any future family gatherings
ruined by her.



<FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=768A76 FACE="Lucida Handwriting">~Sage~ </FONT><img src="http://ChasingDownTheBlue.homestead.com/files/lilfairy.gif">

<FONT SIZE=2 COLOR=Black FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">I don't want no one to squeeze me-
they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you
and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy
Give me one reason to stay here-
and I'll turn right back around
</FONT><FONT SIZE=5 COLOR=Black FACE="Freestyle Script">Tracy Chapman</FONT>

One thought I didn't think about yesterday....

If she has never acted this way before, is it possible that she was feeling down and just let all her other emotions intermingle and come out in the form of anger? I mean, maybe she is lonely? Maybe she misses your grandfather. And, maybe she wants to spend more time with you. I know that sometimes when I am down, it comes out of me in the form of anger.

Holidays seem to bring out all those old memories, too. So, maybe she really wasn't angry, but was instead frustrated that things just aren't the way they used to be for her.

Just a thought to consider unless she has of course done this before.

But hey Dan, you have me beat.

I'm with Sage in that this behavior might be the inception of Alzhemeirs or Dementia, it's really possible, especially if she's in her 70's.

Like all our beautiful ageless friends here said, what happened on your Easter seems to happen every so many years in every family.

I don't live near my family and most of the time that's alright with me. Unfortunately some families don't believe there are any boundaries when their "kids" are grown. My mom thinks I'm a kid and i'm 50. And she expects me to obey her when she is nearby. The other thing to consider is that there are just some older people (not all) that it's all about them. My mom is very much like that as well and seeing things from others people's points of view is not her style. I'll never forget not too many years ago, I took her to the grocery store with me when she was visiting and she had said she would cook me a birthday dinner which was quite nice of her. She lives on a very small income and I make a nice salary so I was paying for the groceries. When I told her that, right in the checkout line she said in a loud voice, "If you don't let me pay I'm going to slap you in the face." My daughter looked at her and said, "no you're not" and I just about burst into tears.

So consider that some of these folks just think they still own their kids lives and have control over them. Not saying it's right, because it certainly isn't, but your gram obviously thinks that your parents are her "kids" and should be able to control every situation from now until she's no longer with us here on earth.

Make it a great day today, Dan! You're young and alive. And living well is the best revenge, if you're from Pickburgh or not, lol.

*Hugs* Ya'll...

Kerri, it's not that we are all she has left. My dad has two brothers and a sister. That's why, he and I are the black sheep of the family....cause there are others to take our place. She has other children and other grandchilden...as I'm sure she's thinking...she can "afford" to lose us. That dream sequence is so tempting...so...so tempting...*drools* *LOL*

I am sorry you had to leave that life go *Hugs*...but, hey, you have a beautiful life ahead of you...one of happiness, joy and one that is fullfilling...that's all we can ask for, isn't it? *Hugs*

Sage...*Hugs you big and tight* I don't think there is anything mentally wrong with her. From what i understand from my dad, she's always been that way....very hard headed, very rude. So, it's really nothing new. It just came out in a new way, so to speak...

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences too *Hugs*...no one should have to go through that crap...no one! And you're right, she'll be the one that is unhappy. Through it all, other than me popping off....my parents and I were all very calm...very non-negative...non confronting. She is the one that said the horrible things...and once you utter those words, you can never take them back. So, she's the one that will always have to live with that...*Hugs*

Kimmy....really, it didn't hurt that much that she labeled me as unloving. More shocking than anything. I say it didn't hurt...because, she's never shown any love to me. What hurt me more, was her making my mother cry. If my dad wouldn't of been there....I would of grabbed her by the throat and tossed her out of the house myself...

As far as counseling/moderation...I really don't think that will happen. My dad is at the point where he is so pissed off...he is just basically writing this off. He really doesn't know if he'll go see her anymore...because, as I said earlier...this isn't anything new. It just manifested itself in a different form...*Hugs*...thank you for input! *smiles* And that was a funny story! *Grins*

Whiterose....as I've said...this is a life long thing between her and my father. Evidently, from speaking with my dad....the manure hit the fan back when I was only a few weeks old. It was my grandmother's fault, of course....and my dad and her didn't speak for six months. Guess who brought them back together. My grandfather. Well, as my dad put it...he's not here this time to fix. And he was probably rolling around in his grave at how his wife was acting...

I will say, I do love her. However, he had a special place in my heart, because he was the grandparent on that side, that made me feel like a part of the family...she sure as hell didn't do me any favors.

Kelley...I'm sorry it triggered that balling up in your stomach. *Hugs* I'm really trying not to give it a second thought, because when I do, i get myself worked up, and it's not what I need at this point in time...not with my cruise so close. I want to go into that thing happy...not tired from thinking of this crap too much.

You're right, I can't change her. I've tried to be a good grandson...including her in my life...in my birthdays, my various graduations, all of that....if she can't see that...

I'm sorry, but I can't do anything about that... not now, not ever...

*Hugs*

Once again, thank you, all...

~Dan

*LOL*

Thanks Bubbleee! *smiles*

As I said, I really don't know if it's a mental thing or not. Maybe it's her normal self...combined with some mental problems. I don't know...

I'm sorry you had to go through that. *Hugs* At least you are still going and still kicking.

What you said, is right...she still thinks my dad's a kid. Which is obvious cause she was bringing up stuff he said when he was four.

Talk about a freaking train wreck!

And you're right, I'm definetly going to get my revenge by living a full, fullfilling life...happier than I could ever possibly...

Thanks! *Hugs*

~Dan

Sorry to hear about the family drama and ruined holiday.

I did get a sorta smile reading it. I am a bit pleased to see that this kinda thing is not limited to my strange family!

Family is a funny thing - and not really nice if they are all negative and judgemental :(

My Easter visit also had negative impact, even though it was far less dramatic: Whole family was at my sister's; at some stage I was complimenting my sister on her looks - to which my brother chimed in saying something deragotory about her, totally unncessary and demeaning imo, but kinda phrased as a joke.
My sister who had been happy about my comment went all silent, but it seems like noone really noticed. On two other occasions later that afternoon, some other "nice" comments were immediately countered by some "negative" comments from my sister-in-law and my mom.

I was thinking of addressing the issue, but the funny thing is that I seem to be the only one who even seems to notice that no nice comment of any sort will go down unchallenged by a put down.
Keeps me wondering if I am not just oversensitive on these things, so I end up saying nothing but being rather irritated with myself about keeping quiet afterwards :( .
Too conflict-averse, I guess, and after all, maybe I AM being oversensitive ... ;)

So, I do admire people who do stand up on these occasions ;) well, at least when they are so pronounced as some of the stories here ... - and even if it is disconcerting for sure ....

Originally posted by Sage on the thread about her daughter's easter...

They say "It's the thought that counts'-
and this is so true.
My ex never put any real thought into the
gifts that he gave me and it showed.
(It also hurt)

...hmmm.
It's not always gift giving, I would guess, that can hurt if there is no thought put into where everyone is *at* on a holiday....

Holidays are hard, because somehow we expect to see *more* from our relationships. Examples of caring, depth and longevity. Nurturing....
throughout the year, an average day isn't so *special*...when a loving relationship isn't there, we become more aware of this on a holiday because everyone is somehow on stage.

Strong relationships (loving families, good friends) and weak ones (distant relatives, mean relations) all gather during this time, and all nerves are usually raw....whether open for a loving time to get mushy and appreciate all, or to get uptight and start picking at things.

If there is no display of affection or emotion or loving or whatever, perhaps some try to force the issue by making *something* happen...

I don't know. Just a thought halfway through my morning cup of coffee...

>>edit: I moved this from another thread...fit more here....

and family can also be close, loving, affectionate, compassionate and just plain fun

easter at my mom's was a joy from start to finish, complemented with hot sunny weather and the beauty of her garden. i admired her new chickens, and she showed me some new tulips, which were natural knock outs.

we preceded dinner, mum and her kids, on the patio with some beer, wine, appetizer, and much laughter. dinner was a feast of baked ham, asparagus, new potatoes, and homemade biscuits. the piece de resistance was a chocolate pound cake topped with strawberry ice cream and homemade chocolate sauce. to top off the evening, we had wind-up toy races on the dining room table, with fluffy chicks and cartoon chickens competing for first place. i think my brother won.

is my family life perfect? noope. do we have disagreements? yeah. do we work them out? definitely. after many years of near-estrangement, unfinished business, and the occasional fight, we now all like each other, which is better than loving each other.

we're all taking a holiday together in late september on a country farm. i can't wait.

I had a nice Easter... sorry maybe I shouldn't post it here. :D

but my friend came over and we had dinner with my sons. My oldest son was so charming and welcoming that I think my friend and son will soon be going out without me LOL.

I love my sons. My daughter too but she wasn't here.

Once agian, thank ya'll for sharing your input and your experiences...both good and bad...*smiles*

Marcy...*LOL*...glad you could get a smile! *grins* No, you aren't the only...want to do a "Relative Toss of a Cliff" together?

Nessa...yeesh! Talk about an explosive event! *Hugs*

Kimmy...as I Told my mother that day. I may swear in her presence (and I do, I have a foul mouth at times...it's just something that...kind of happens...not so much the f word...but the smaller swear words)...and I may get mad at her and she may annoy me...but, I love her and I will never let anyone make her cry...and if they do? We got a problem! *Hugs*

Kelley, my dad stayed a part of the family for as long as he did, to appease his mother. She may of just killed that, though. He's seriously thinking about not going back to see her again. As far as I'm concerned? I figure...I don't have any grandparents left. She put the nail in that coffin, so to speak. And, you are right...I realize, I am blessed...more blessed than any member of my family. *Hugs*

Carazy, I'm sorry you had such an awkward Easter. Some people need to learn to keep thier trpas shut, ya know?

Kerri...thank you for posting that! That was perfect for this thread, I do believe! *Hugs*

Swan, I am glad you posted that...and I'm glad you had a good Easter! Reading about other folk's nice easter, is definetly a positive.

Sally...thanks for your thoughts *Hugs* *LOL* Great time to fight though, at weddings. Plenty of booze to make the fights interesting and enough food to throw! FOOD FIGHT! *LOL*

Originally posted by sally
Dan, you've done this before!:eek:

Of course...

Most of it takes place during the tossing of the garter belt, or, as I like to call iti the "Screw me Cloth covered rubber band"...*LOL* J/K

Dan, I didn't have a chance to read much past the first post (as you know I'm kind of on a time limit now, working more hours), but God, I can so totally relate!!!

You know what I think? I think your dad was your granddad's favorite, and probably came between him and your grandmother. It wasn't your dad's fault, probably your granddad put him in that position, but she was probably a toxic woman, she became so mean that your granddad would have rather been around his son, and sheltered his son from her vile ways. I'm just guessing here, but my mom had a mother like that. She was so NEGATIVE! Even when she was dying, I couldn't stand to visit her (I know that sounds horrible) although I did go out of obligation. She would just lay there the whole time and find someone to put down!

From all of your posts, I can tell you're extremely close to your dad. I'll bet your cousins are jealous of your relationship with your dad. Maybe your uncles are too, because they aren't as close with their children. Your dad succeeded in being a good father! For people who don't see themselves as parental successes, this is a hard pill to swallow.

There comes a time when we have to put abusive family members in their place. I think what you did to your grandmother was right, and if it were me, I'd have said even more! She is obviously a malicious, vindictive woman, who places blame instead of owning her behaviors and responsibilities in these relationships. Don't worry about her, it's Karma. It's very hard to be loving to someone who is so hateful and vile. She made her own bed, so to speak.

You have a wonderful family in your parents, and you are lucky. Treasure them, do for them, and when you finally get married and have kids, you'll have your own family set. No need to worry about extending family, the immediate family will be just fine.:)

Polly...

I know you are extremely busy these days...and, that means alot to me, that you would take time to reply to this thread...

And your reply, made me cry...good tears...*soft smiles*

And you know, I think you're right...about my dad and grandfather. They were extremely close. And alike. Like my grandfather, my dad was in the service (the only child to go in)...like my grandfather...my dad is a member of the masonic lodge....

So, I think you are spot on...*soft smiles*

And you may very well be right about my cousins and uncles. And I can't help the way they feel...that's thier problem...

Thank you, Polly, for the beautiful and wonderful reply....

*Big Ole Dannier Dan Hugs*

~Dan