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Thread: Little Advice

  1. #1
    JennyJen Guest

    Little Advice

    I'm not in a relationship right now but need some advice involving my ex. It is not an age gap relationship, we have been broken up for a little over a year now but might still talk ,only I keep it very little due to the fact that he is incapable of being nice for a long period of time if any at all...
    We broke up due to issues he was having that I never told ANYONE about ever, but he was and still is a pretty big drug user, I just always told everyone he kinda went crazy and I couldn't take it anymore. All of my real life friends already know this being a lot are in this lifestyle wit him but other then that no one else knows, he's dropped out of college and just lost his job how he has the money to do support this habit I will not say but I'm sure you can guess. He's been like this for a while now at first it started as just a party thing but is now a full addiction. I got out of this relationship cause of the peson he became but even to this day he continues to make my life hell. I have a restraining order against him he still calls me and talks to me online even when I tell him to stop, he did stop coming over to my house when I moved cause he knew he'd be arrested.
    Today we spoke for about 2 hours and I told him I wanted him to go to rehab (he went once before but I lied and told people he just got put somewhere at the time I didn't want people to know this cause I didn't want it to seem like it was something I was doing to he checked himself out of that rehab place after only a few days cause he couldn't take the detox) he told me flat out he'd go if I promised him I'd be with him when he came out and wait for him. Now NO I do not still love him even though I was with him for 6 years, I do not want to be with him ever again but I do still care about him and don't want him to die before he turns 25 (he's 21 now), I do want him to get help but he says he doesn't see it as a problem he sees it as a part of his life and that is it, but he's bad, he looks horrible and his temper only gets worse, I don't want to see him end up being killed or in jail but that is what I'm seeing now.
    After we spoke today a friend told me to call his mother being I was the one that told her in the first place and she was the one who put him in rehab, me and her have always gotten along great and she loves me, but I don't know how he'll take this. He is capable of doing a lot of things to me and my family. I just don't know what to do here, I don't even want to talk to him but he won't leave me alone and I don't want to turn my back on him cause I know by doing that I will be asking for trouble from him, like I said he's capable of a lot. I'm just lost right now, I want him out of my life but I want him to get help and be the person he used to be before so he can still have somewhat of a life. I can't talk to him alone about this so that is out of the question, one I can't be with him alone for a lot of reasons and he won't listen to me, he'll keep changing the subject then get all pissed off like he always does.
    Any advice would be great to let me know what to do here, talk to his mom leave it alone, call the cops on him myself, I just don't know where to turn or what to do, this is the only place I can come to and the safest place I feel talking about it...so feel free to tell me what ever you think is best!!!

  2. #2
    ~Guinavere~ Guest
    Ok...first...I am so sorry that you are having to deal with someone you care about who is wasting their life away by abusing drugs. It's hard on everyone who is involved with that person. Family, friends, everyone!

    Secondly, there is nothing you can do to help him, if if doesn't want to help himself. He has to want to be free from drugs and not because you will be waiting for him when he gets out of rehab. He is placing a lot of responsiblity on you by making those kinds of comments. Shame on him! Do NOT be a co-dependent with him. To me it sounds like he isn't ready to give up the drugs.

    You have had a restraining order placed agianst him. If you have had contact with him and willing spent time talking to him, you have voided that order.

    He can't talk to you online unless you allow it. You don't have to answer his phone calls.

    I would run away as fast as I can in the other direction. You have put up with him longer than most people would have.

    BTW..if he ends up dead before he is 25, it is because of the choices he has made and for no other reason. As much as you care for him...you can not force him to stay off drugs. There are people who go to rehab after rehab and still continue to live a path of self destruction. He is a drug user...and not a nice person either (drugs or no drugs) if you are afraid of things he could do to you and your family. That is his personality with or without drugs.

  3. #3
    TALLBLONDECUTE's Avatar
    TALLBLONDECUTE is offline Here I am...
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    Will You Do It?

    1. Delete and block all contact from the internet.

    2. Do not call his mother. She should be in the look out since he was in rehab already. She may be having lots of stuff missing from her house, if you know what I mean. But really that is not here nor there... It is not your problem.

    3. No more contact with him ever, ever again!!!! <--- THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, you are giving him too many mixed messages when you talk to him since you have restraining orders in place. They may be hard to enforce now since you, voluntarily, have had contact with him, regardless of the tupe of contact, even on line.

    4. If he kills himself or something real bad happens to him, it is not your fault, just his own doing. You are not responsible for his well being but your own.

    5. Don feel/be intimidated by him. He senses it and that is why he is such a bully with you.

    6. Do not talk to mutual friends/relatives about him under no circumstances. If any one mentions his name, tell them flat out you do not want to talk about him or have his name mentioned to you.

    7. Change your phone number.

    8. Call the police anytime he gets near you. He has to know you mean business, otherwise he will continue to make your life miserable.

    9. Under no circumstances go back with him.

    10. If you are really scare of him, for a while do not go out by yourself, do not frequent the places he knows you go to, and watch your back.

    Wishing you the best...
    *Disclaimer, please consult an attorney of your choice, this is not legal advice.

  4. #4
    TALLBLONDECUTE's Avatar
    TALLBLONDECUTE is offline Here I am...
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    Not Relevant!

    Hey Guinavere, you and I are synchronized tonite!
    *Disclaimer, please consult an attorney of your choice, this is not legal advice.

  5. #5
    ~Guinavere~ Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by ALTARUBIAGUAPA View Post
    Hey Guinavere, you and I are synchronized tonite!

    Yes we are!!

  6. #6
    Gypsyheart's Avatar
    Gypsyheart is offline searching for myself
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    Jenny,
    Both of these ladies gave you solid advise. I grew up with addicts, lost most of my family to some drug/alcohol related death. There is nothing more painful than caring for one and feeling helpless. Sometimes just listening to their crap is enough to enable them to continue justifying their habits. It's unfortunate, but sometimes the best medicine for them is to feel completely alone, face down in their misery. It is only then that they realize it really is THEIR LIFE they are waisting. Sometimes they change, sometimes they don't.

    My mother drank her whole life and finally quit 5yrs ago. Nothing I ever said made a difference. I still don't know what happened to motivate her. Point is, you need to distance yourself from him. If you are not in contact, you cannot watch him waist away. Saving him HAS to be HIS choice alone. I'm sorry you are hurting, but you need to put your wellbeing first here.

    {{hugs****
    Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

  7. #7
    Gypsyheart's Avatar
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    an afterthought

    Addicts and drunks feed on negative attention. They create drama and painful situations for others to GET negative attention.

    - do not call his mother (trust me, she knows how bad it is)
    - stop allowing contact with him (no more chat or phone)
    - do not call the cops on him (he may retaliate)
    - do whatever you have to do cut him out of your life

    If it'll make you feel better, tell him next time he contacts you that you are no longer a part of this self-destructive behavior..... tell him don't call unless he's clean and has his life in order.

    Ok, enough harping... I just worry that your compassion will only reap you more pain later.

  8. #8
    Inahnia Guest
    What they all said!!! I had a 3 year relationship with someone like that, and after I had finally had enough and walked away, and institued no contact, he did try to commit suicide. He called his ex-wife, though, and she called 911 and they saved him. For awhile he was in a hospital and given drugs for psychiatric issues but he conviced the doctors that he was ok and they let him out. He is on the loose now, ruining other people's lives. I feel sorry for his children and his ex-wife, but he is OUT OF MY LIFE THANK GOD.

    There isn't anything you can do. Really. Sad as it is, it's his life and his decisions.

  9. #9
    tinydancer Guest
    Jen, while I understand loving/caring about an addict VERY well, could give you a books worth of advice,.....I'll make it short....
    RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. #10
    Jody<3's Avatar
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    Sadly, they are all right. You have to remove yourself from the situation.

    I know you care about him...I've been somewhat in the same shoes with my ex-husband. Believe me when I tell you, in 10 years' time he never changed, even with my help, because he did not want to. Sometimes he would say he wanted to change, but I think he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear.

    You already have the restraining order...so you really need to just let him go all together. I know it's sad...it breaks your heart to see someone you care for do that to themselves. But, sadly, until he wants to change, all he will do is hurt you and disappoint you...

    ((hugs)) Im sure that isn't what you were hoping to hear...but it's the truth.
    What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
    ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

  11. #11
    scott2075 Guest
    Yep. My ex is a drunk. He said he would change. He didn't. Don't waste your life on someone who drains you. They will only bring you down with them. No contact is the best thing you can do for your self-esteem and sanity.

  12. #12
    JennyJen Guest
    Thank you so much for ALL the advice, he's blocked from talking to me online now I got him blocked from my phone I went with my mom today and got another restraining order and told my mom everything that was going on even though she's known for a while just in case he comes to my house when I'm not here. I also told most of my immediate family because when he can't find me to get to me he'll go after them mostly my little cousin so I made sure to tell her and her mom so she is safe when she is not home. I also told my boss at my job cause he's started fights at my work before and had to be taken out by the police after he refused to leave. I am not gonna talk to his mother or anyone else about this and I already have but up a distance between what ever mutual friends we share (which is all) cause they just don't understand why I can't be with him and how he is with me and that this is not good. At this point I pretty much know he's never gonna get help on his own and no one else is gonna make him but its not my problem anymore and neither is he, now I just hope he leaves me the hell alone!

    Thank you all again for the great advice.

  13. #13
    Lily42 Guest
    Sounds like you did the right thngs, it is very hard I am sure, as you did have a relationship..I am sure you still care what happens even if you no longer love him.. I know exactly how you feel I think- my ex-ym basically has thrown his life into complete utter chaos- unsure if he is on drugs, but something definitely not right-- just lost himself a great job, and many other opportunities he has messed up for himsellf.. I think sometimes people get so far down the road into f****d land that they just do not know how to stop themselves, and they are the only ones who can stop it.. You just can't fix it, no matter what you could do or try..And it sucks.. hope you have no fall out from all of this... we are here for ya..

    Lily

  14. #14
    JennyJen Guest
    Just got a call from a friend. Tonight my ex go picked up and arrested and they found a lot of drugs on him that he was selling I don't know any details yet but know he is in jail tonight and if they go through with it, he'll be locked up for a long time to come!

    So I guess I'm safe now!!!

  15. #15
    Jody<3's Avatar
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    Wow, thats sad and happy at the same time, if that makes any sense? I mean, how sad to see someone so young waste his life like that. I know there must be some very positive things about him, or you never would have been involved with him.

    On the other hand, it does mean your safe and it does mean he will get help and get off drugs and maybe somewhere down the line he will be able to get his stuff together and have a normal life.

    ((hugs)) Jen....thanks for keeping us updated!
    What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
    ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

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