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Thread: Insecurities of the Younger Partner

  1. #1
    degausser is offline Senior Member
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    Insecurities of the Younger Partner

    There seem to be a lot of threads about the insecurities of the older partner, so I thought it would be interesting to see what the younger partners are insecure about.

    Probably one of the biggest things for me is my boyfriendís past. Mainly his romantic past. Heís never been married, but heís been engaged twice and that freaks. me. out.

    I was 20 when we started dating, and the thought of getting married never even occurred to me until our relationship. So the fact that heís wanted to marry other people nearly gives me a panic attack. He says that he only got engaged because he thought it was what he was supposed to do. And when Iím feeling insecure, I think, ďWell what if heís only planning on marrying me because he thinks itís what heís supposed to do?Ē And then I reassure myself by saying with his previous engagements, they happened after 1-2 years of dating. And I feel comforted that he isnít rushing into anything with me. And then when Iím still feeling insecure I think BUT WHATíS WRONG WITH ME THAT HE ISNíT RUSHING INTO THINGS?

    He also lived with both ďfiancťesĒ, which I put in quotes because realistically they really werenít much of fiancťes Ė he doesnít even refer to them as such. Heís never actually gotten to the point of planning a wedding with someone Ė both engagements were short lived because they were cheating on him. And then when Iím feeling insecure I think, heís never made it through an engagement before Ė what if we formally get engaged and he totally freaks out? What if we get engaged and I totally freak out?

    I worry about how I compare to the other women heís lived with, because Iíve never lived with a man, and I am a slob and not domestic and donít clean very well. Not kidding, I am actually bad at cleaning. I can spend hours cleaning something and it still looks kind of gross. I didnít start learning how to cook until um, 2010? 2011? Sometime after we were living together. I do that pretty well these days. But then I think, what if heís used to living with some neat freak gourmet chef who likes to decorate and does his laundry and isnít a total witch in the morning pre-coffee? Like someone whoís perky and cheerful and not sarcastic and cranky all the time? I canít even imagine. I worry that he has moments where heís wondering why heís living with a moody slob when he could be living with a hot non-criminal Martha Stewart type.

    But then I comfort myself by saying, basically whatever I do, Iím better than his ex girlfriends since I 1) am employed 2) do not have any substance abuse issues 3) am not cheating on him. And then I worry about the fact that he has made so many terrible decisions when it comes to women, and I worry that neither of us know what makes a good relationship because he has bad judgment and Iím too young to know what good is.

    As far as things not related to the fact that he has 19 years on me, like many women, Iím insecure about my appearance. Iíve put on weight in the 3.5 years weíve been together. So has he, but when feeling insecure all I can think is ďIíM FAT AND UNLOVABLEĒ. Which is stupid, because my boyfriend thinks Iím hot, and loves me and wants to see me naked just as much as he did in 2009 when I had more time to go to the gym. But, that insecurity still pops up now and then.

    So, the past and my appearance Ė definitely my two biggest insecurities. What say you, younger partners?

  2. #2
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Not sure if you'd say this counts but I know my YW has said that she kind of feels "dumb" around me sometimes because I'm older, and that she can sometimes feel intimidated. Admittedly, there have been a few times where I have had to kind of let her know that I DO have more experience in certain areas depending on what we're discussing.

  3. #3
    kittyloki is offline Member
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    I feel ya. My husband has been married twice before me. Both times he was a bit of hound dog and messed around. As I'm getting older I wonder if he will just find someone else, someone younger.

    He has told me that is crazy and that his hound dog days are over. He says that he is too old for that now. I trust him. I guess I just don't think much of myself. I don't think pretty/smart/etc enough to hold his attention. We've been together nearly 8 years so we aren't doing too bad.

  4. #4
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    LoisLane is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Azureth View Post
    Not sure if you'd say this counts but I know my YW has said that she kind of feels "dumb" around me sometimes because I'm older, and that she can sometimes feel intimidated. Admittedly, there have been a few times where I have had to kind of let her know that I DO have more experience in certain areas depending on what we're discussing.
    I was like that when dating an OM. I was 29 and he was 49 at the time. He was very intellectual and i was in awe of him and had put him on a huge pedestal. I knew his last relationship was with a teacher and i was just a single parent who worked part time as a waitress and hadn't been to college. Our first date was disastrous because i was tongue tied. couldn't think of anything to say and felt so stupid when i did open my mouth as everything i said seemed inane! For the next couple of dates i was afraid to be alone with him in case he thought i was some kind of idiot, so i arranged double dates till i got over it lol. When the rose tinted spectacles came off things became much easier for me!

  5. #5
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    NY10 is offline Senior Member
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    I am not much of an insecure person, I know that as an OM my guy has had a life before me. He has never been married or engaged, he has come close and has had several serious relationships. One was when he was very young and it lasted about 8 years, they lived together but she was a mess and he doesn't speak very highly of her. His other serious relationship was the real deal and he was very very much in love with her. They didn't work out and my guy was crushed. The one relationship I have a serious problem with is the one that lasted about 7 years and ended only because I came into the picture. They were never boyfriend and girlfriend but more FWB and my guy was obsessed with her. I am not making light of it, when I say obsessed I mean it.

    The biggest problem for me is that he is still in contact with some of his ex's. The first one who he doesn't speak highly of calls and writes sometimes, doesn't live close by but I find it annoying that she will call him (she knows we are together and live together) I have spoken to her once and she seems nice but its enough already. My guy has asked her to back off and she has somewhat. My biggest issue is the "ex" FWB. She lives in our town and my guy does see her from time to time. Even though I don't worry so much about them doing anything (the girl has used my guy big time and didn't treat him good at all) I don't like how he gets when he sees her or talks to her.

    I should also add that I still talk to my ex fiancee. Not often but we do speak. My guy gets very jealous and is more insecure than I am. I have to admit that a big real reason I keep in touch with my ex so much is because he does. It is a childish game but I can play games just as much as he can. I am also not as obvious about my insecurities and jealously as my guy.

  6. #6
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    thatoneperson is offline Senior Member
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    He is well established in his career. I am a graduate student. Most of the people from my lab move to California to work in the video game industry. Because he has tenure, I don't know whether he will be willing to move, but I don't know whether I want to be tied down to where he lives either. And if he does decide to move, is he going to be able to get another job? Ageism is prevalent.

    Alzheimer's runs in his family. That terrifies me.

    I hate the disparity between our incomes. I feel guilty that he pays for meals and such. He doesn't pay for any of my living expenses, and I am financially independent. I just wish I could take him out to dinner more often.

    I am afraid that I will want to get married and he won't since he's never been married or engaged his whole life.

    I am afraid that there will come a point long down the road when he won't be able to sexually satisfy me anymore.

    I am afraid that I will have to take care of him and my parents when they get older simultaneously.

    ---

    There are lots of things I worry about. Fortunately he is worth it to me.
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  7. #7
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    pinkunicorn is offline Senior Member
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    Ditto to thatoneperson.

    Also, I worry that he will pass before I am "ready" for him to go and have come to terms with it.

    Alternatively, I worry that he will suffer and I will be asking him to go, because I can't bear to see him suffer. I already don't like his chronic migraines. I don't want to see him waste away due to diseases and such.

    I am used to being very independent. I had to be. I still am quite independent, but my OM takes care of so many things. Part of me likes not having to worry about the water bill or the phone bill. That part of me enjoys the fact that I finally have someone else to share these burdens with, rather than having to worry about it all by myself. But then there's the other part of me that doesn't like it. To be honest, it scares me. I'm afraid to let myself get too used to it and wind up one of those poor widows/widowers who are not only reeling from the loss of their spouse, but are now having to learn how to take care of themselves. When I used to work in retail, I had to explain what all the different pots and pans were for to this old gentleman who just lost his wife. She had done all the cooking and cleaning for the past 40-some years, and he had no idea how to even boil water or fry and egg. I don't want to be like that.

    I worry that I will have to put him in a nursing home. I used to work in one, and I did not like how the residents were treated.

    I'm not too concerned about the past. I mean, he had 50 years of life before I came along. I can't expect that he lived those years sheltered in a cave and came out only to meet me! And really, at 34, if I were to meet someone my own age, that person would have a history by now, too. If not, I would really wonder about the stability and mental health of him or her!
    Never try to fit in when you are meant to stand out.


  8. #8
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    MissMuffins is offline Senior Member
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    I'm worried about unfavorable comparisons to his former sexual partners. He was a single man living the cowboy life for 20 years; in that time he got around and then some, and most of them were at least a little on the trashy side. I'm not, so that causes me to worry that I'm not what he wants. I'm worried that he's still looking, and some day he'll find some ol' gal who can support his cowboy habit and the 4 years I've invested in this relationship will prove to be a complete waste of my time. I'm worried that the real reason we don't have sex more frequently is because he's lost interest in me due to what he considers my lack of response and/or poor performance. I'm worried that our sex life is such a non-issue for him, he won't bother to do anything about his low T. (One of the things they've discovered, in the middle of everything else that's going on with his health, is that his testosterone levels are low.)

    I'm concerned that the differences between our personalities, our ways of viewing and doing things, will create unnecessary friction between us.

    I'm terrified that there will never be a "normal" in this relationship, that it will just continue to be a steady stream of one crisis after another.

    I'm worried about what I will be left to deal with, in the event that he dies before I do. In the event that I predecease him, I've already outlined my wishes in writing and with both my children. I have not, however, made a will. I intend to do so after I have purchased a home.

    Those are all legitimate worries.

    Even though I am aware that this worry is 100% unfounded, I am worried that he's with me because he's looking for a nurse or to supplement his retirement income.

    MM
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  9. #9
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    AmandaAlice is offline Senior Member
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    Oh man great thread idea.

    I'm way more insecure than I should be probably. I worry about my appearance of course, I'm like 50 lbs bigger than I was when we first got together. At least. He says he hasn't noticed and he likes me how I am, and oh my, if I even comment about my fatness I get dirty looks from him. Though he'll complain about his weight gain and beer belly all the time because he was going on scrawny when we got together from a lack of interest in eating after his divorce. But I don't like the way I look and I know it affects the sex life. We don't get wild and crazy like we used to, and I run out of steam before I should... but so does he. I worry though that he'll get dissatisfied. He was married just the once, and she's a real lovely character *sarcasm abounds* and she would always put up such a fuss about doing anything with him, meanwhile she's cheating left and right. He says he had a few girlfriends and flings before her, and probably at least one in the 6-8 months after her but before me, I don't really want to know about it if he did. I can't care about when he was younger, after all I was either not born yet or still a kid depending on the year, but don't wanna know anything more recent. Skeeves me out enough thinking about him and his ex-wife, though I am confident that I'm better looking and in bed, gotta be! She still tries to talk to him, but his dislike of her prevents that. Every once in awhile though she'll send a text saying like 'you can come talk to me still you know' and like 2 years ago she even sent one asking if he wanted to come fool around 'for old times'. Ha!
    I worry that we're incompatible on the long term goals. I want to go to school for something that's going to lead to being able to fulfill my want to travel the world. He wants to travel too, but I worry that he'll be dead before we can do it due to however long it's going to take me to acheive it. He talks about wanting to move to down near his sister's place, a few hours south of us, where he can go hunting and fishing all the time. I want to move the heck out of Ohio to someplace warm and sunny and close, but not too close to the ocean. I worry that too won't happen until after he's gone.
    Which that idea freaks me out. I'll start crying just thinking about it. I know I won't handle it well at all and I don't want it to happen. Of course it will and I can only hope it'll be like 30-40 years from now and not anytime soon. He just turned 50 this year, so 30 years is not unreasonable to hope for, though I'm terribly worried it'll be sooner than that. I'm worried it'll happen when our son's still a kid and it'll break my heart, or worried it'll happen when he's a teenager and he'll hate and blame me for giving him an old dad instead of a young one. I worry it'll happen all a sudden, like a car accident or a heart attack at work, and I won't have a chance to do anything. I'd much, much rather have him get old and me have to take care of him. I worry about my parents too kinda, but it's not the same.
    On a lighter note, I worry that I tick him off with my lack of Suzy Homemaker-ness. He has commented before that the one good thing he could say about his ex was that she kept a super clean house and.... I don't. It's not like a pest-infested sty by no means, but you will not find me dusting and vacuuming and mopping and scrubbing toilets every day, or heck, even every week. Sorry, but I have other things I'd rather do with what little free time the kid allows me.
    I worry that he's too stressed at work, and me not working hasn't helped. But I worry that even once I do get my schooling in, I'll have a hard time getting a job because of my lack of confidence and people skills. I've always been shy and stuff, the only reason I did any good as a bartender was because I was buzzed half the time, made me more outgoing.
    I worry because at almost 28 I still don't know what I want to be 'when I grow up.' Like my mom knew when she was in middle school that she wanted to be a nurse, and she did it. All I know is that if I don't get to travel somehow, I won't be able to die happy. So I was looking into like a degree in international relations, but I worry that it'll be be really difficult and I'll fail.
    But my biggest worry is him dying, and it's the only one I can't do anything about

  10. #10
    thatoneperson's Avatar
    thatoneperson is offline Senior Member
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    This is a great thread because this isn't something I can talk to my friends about. They'd just be like "See, I told you so!" One time when I opened up to a friend about a worry, she pretty much said "That's what you get." So I don't really talk to anybody about any of this because I don't want to hear those comments.

  11. #11
    pinkunicorn's Avatar
    pinkunicorn is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by AmandaAlice View Post
    I worry because at almost 28 I still don't know what I want to be 'when I grow up.' Like my mom knew when she was in middle school that she wanted to be a nurse, and she did it. All I know is that if I don't get to travel somehow, I won't be able to die happy. So I was looking into like a degree in international relations, but I worry that it'll be be really difficult and I'll fail.
    My husband is retiring next week, at the age of 56, after working for the US Bureau of Reclamation for 37 years. This includes the 4 years he spent in the Navy, starting at age 18. Two other co-workers of his are also retiring. One has worked there for 37 years, too. The other one has worked there for 42 years. It's very rare, especially today, to find someone who retires within the same career they started. Many people change careers multiple times in their life.

    Not everyone just "knows" right away what they want to be when they grow up, either. I started college right out of high school planning on becoming a veterinarian. Well, after one semester, I changed my major from pre-vet to radio,tv, and film communications. I figured I would like a career in radio or television. Well, after my 2nd semester, I didn't know what I wanted to do, so I took a couple of years off from school and worked as a "shop rat" in a diesel shop. When I returned to college, I double majored in English and Communications, thinking I wanted a career in journalism. Then, after a year, I dropped the English major and picked up a business minor. I wanted to work in public relations or marketing.

    After I graduated, I began a career as a grant-writer. I did that for about 4 years. Then I began a career as an administrative professional, which I've done for the past 6 years. I am very, VERY good at it. But I don't like it. I am currently an office manager for a construction company.

    And, at age 34, I am going to school for my master's degree so I can change my career once again. I will be 36 when I graduate, and 38 by the time I finish the post-graduate internship required for licensure. I'm working on becoming a Licensed Professional Counselor, with a goal of having my own private practice by the time I'm 40. I plan to specialize in sexual issues as well as chronic/terminal illness.

    Some of my classmates are in their 40's and even 50's. It's like I tell my kids, grown ups can go to college any time they want to, and as many times as they want to. You don't have to keep the same job forever. You can always change your mind!

    But who knows, that might change, too!
    Angel, AmandaAlice and Mebel like this.
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  12. #12
    Razahardhat is offline Neophyte
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    I have many worries that seem to be recurring when I am chasing after an older man. The current man I have a crush on is 40 (about) years older than me and more times than not I worry that he wont want to have anything to do with me because the age gap is too big, he will find me immature, or he will fear his career jepordized because of me. Any sort of thing that could somehow be used as a way to reject me. I fear rejection more than anything else.
    Besides that I worry because he has children older than I that they will not accept me should he take an intrest in me.
    Lastly I worry that he will eventually grow bored of me because I am so young (even though we have much in common despite him being so much more intelligent than I am).

    Just the usual worries that run through my head when I am thinking about my OM/Around him.

  13. #13
    Quietman is offline Neophyte
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    It would seem that the concerns shared in age-gap relationships in many ways are not too different to those felt in 'normal' relationships. That may never change. You should share your concerns, discuss them then put them in a box on a shelf somewhere. Enjoy what you have, and yes consider the future, but don't let your future be shaped by your concerns.

  14. #14
    BeachHut is offline Member
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    I agree with everyone who said how useful this thread is...
    It's so great not to feel alone with these fears and concerns, since it seems all of us YW deal with basically the same things.

    <3 to everyone.

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