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Thread: In AGR is the older partner really more likely to take advantage?

  1. #1
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    In AGR is the older partner really more likely to take advantage?

    One of the problems with AGR as seen by others is that, regardless of whether the AGR is OW/YM or OM/YW people in general perceive the older partner as someone "taking advantage" of a younger partner. While it can happen I don't believe anyone here does or is even really all that common as far as AGR go.

    But why is that? While I understand older people will have a lot more experience in various fields and other things it's not as if the younger partner is dumb incapable of making their minds, so why is there this worry about older partner taking advantage of a younger person? Unless the younger person in question is mentally disabled a YM/YW is a younger partner really at much risk of being taken advantage of by an older partner?


    Even in my relationship I know people look at us and think I'm dating a HS girl lol.

  2. #2
    fiorinda Guest
    My experience has been that people have worried about the opposite. As my partner doesn't have a permanent job, and I do, some of my friends have been concerned that he is living off me. Obviously, I am supporting him when he's between jobs and looking for work, but he most certainly doesn't take advantage of me, and over time I think everyone has come to understand that he WANTS to work and is willing to work but it's just that actually finding work that isn't temporary is very difficult.

    I'm not aware of anyone thinking that I've taken advantage of him. Perhaps there is more of that prejudice when it is the woman who is the younger partner, which is of course sexist, as well as ageist, as it presupposes that young women are less able to take care of themselves emotionally than young men!

  3. #3
    kittyloki is offline Member
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    A lot of people think I'm using my older husband because I don't have to work and he takes 'care' of me.

    I think some of it has to do with the age of the younger partner.
    People don't seem to care that I'm 25 and my husband is 62.
    But when I was 18 people were very upset that I was with a 55 year old.

    There are some people who still think he took advantage of me but not so much.

  4. #4
    pinkunicorn's Avatar
    pinkunicorn is offline Senior Member
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    Many people can't wrap their mind around an age gap relationship and why anyone would want to be in one. They can't just let it be, so they try to come up with various scenarios in their mind as to why these two people are together.

    Sometimes what they come up with is that one partner MUST be taking advantage of the other.
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  5. #5
    kittyloki is offline Member
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    man I hear ya pink unicorn.
    People are always asking me if I had a bad relationship with my father.
    I've heard the phrase 'daddy complex' so many times.

    My husband is well known in our area so when I used to tell people he was my husband they would just shake their heads.

    I've had people that were almost strangers to me say 'that works?'

    My husband's first two wives were his own ages and he got a divorce both times. Maybe a younger girl works for him. I don't know. I think people look into stuff too hard.
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  6. #6
    fiorinda Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Azureth View Post

    Even in my relationship I know people look at us and think I'm dating a HS girl lol.
    How old are you and your girlfriend, I can't seem to find that info, sorry! Your profile says you're 27, but I don't know if that's old info. If you're only 27, and dating a girl young enough for it to be remarked on, I can't imagine how young she must be?

  7. #7
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by fiorinda View Post
    How old are you and your girlfriend, I can't seem to find that info, sorry! Your profile says you're 27, but I don't know if that's old info. If you're only 27, and dating a girl young enough for it to be remarked on, I can't imagine how young she must be?
    18. She'll turn 19 on the 22nd. But she looks quite young, especially with makeup.

  8. #8
    fiorinda Guest
    How do you 'know people are looking at' you and think you're 'dating a HS girl'? Do they say so? Or do you just assume they're thinking this. When we first got together, Lee was a bit funny about holding hands in public because he assumed people would think I was his mum or his carer and he was 'special'. That says a whole load more about his own fears than about what people really would think. We've only ever once been made aware of anyone thinking I was his mum (he was getting a replacement lip ring and I paid, and the guy in the piercing shop referred to the 'bank of mum'). We do sometimes get double-takes, but it either happens less often now or we don't notice it anymore. But no-one has ever said anything. I'm exactly twice his age at the moment, and older than his mother by several years, as he is younger than my oldest child by several years.

    To be honest, I'd struggle really to see much difference in age between a 19 year old woman and a 27 year old man. Are you sure you're not projcting your own fears onto strangers?
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  9. #9
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    Jewelzz is offline Member
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    Azureth, I think I now understand why you feel this.

    (original portions deleted at the request of a moderator)

    There is a great deal of deference in life experience with a 19 year old and a 27 year old so I do see how they are identifiably different in the public eye, doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with her at all. Who are we to dictate social conventions to the heart.

    I find that as an OW with a YM with a 17 yr difference, I am seen as "She-Who-Must-Have-Bags-of-Money" (nothing could be farther than the truth) or my fella is seen as "He-Has-Mommy-Issues"...I can't decide which is worse. I do know that it is frustrating for us all..and you are not alone, Azureth. x
    Last edited by Jewelzz; 07-14-2013 at 01:38 PM.
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  10. #10
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Yeah that is how I pretty much feel. Make matters worse is I have a full beard which makes me look older and she really does look to be about 16-18 depending on what she wears and how she does her makeup so even when we go in places holding hands I'm sure most people think I picked her up from the local HS

    There have been a few incidents where people were direct. For instance, we were at the mall one day and we were in VS and she was shopping while I just hung around her. As we were checking out the lady doing it says to me "So, having fun taking your sister shopping?" !!! I corrected her and told her she was my gf and that she was 18.t

  11. #11
    fiorinda Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Azureth View Post
    Yeah that is how I pretty much feel. Make matters worse is I have a full beard which makes me look older and she really does look to be about 16-18 depending on what she wears and how she does her makeup so even when we go in places holding hands I'm sure most people think I picked her up from the local HS

    There have been a few incidents where people were direct. For instance, we were at the mall one day and we were in VS and she was shopping while I just hung around her. As we were checking out the lady doing it says to me "So, having fun taking your sister shopping?" !!! I corrected her and told her she was my gf and that she was 18.t
    I'm not sure how mistaking her for your sister means the same as thinking she is still in school.

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