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Thread: Parents that defend their kids no matter what.

  1. #1
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Parents that defend their kids no matter what.

    You see it on TV pretty often; it's usually the same scenario as well: Kid does something very bad (such as a case I will share with you in a minute), get caught, even despite the severity of the crime you still have mom and dad right behind their child defending them to the end.

    The one case that happened this year but has been on my mind is the trial of Karlie Tomica self-proclaimed "Party Princess". She's 20 and ran over and killed a 49 year old popular chef who was married with three kids. She was drunk (she was in Miami beach and there you can serve drinks at 18 but can't drink until 21) and even had brain splatter in her hair. But of course, both her parents were all ready to defend her and she herself said she was only worried about finals...Goes to show how much empathy she has.

    Anyway, it's all really sad, with all these parents out their refusing to cut the umbilical cord and and will stand by you even when it comes to murder/manslaughter etc etc.

    I know I don't have a kid but I could never imagine defending someone over lots of the cases I see parents defending their kids on.

    So why is this? I understand parents (usually) love their kids and all but when you have parents defending and supporting stuff like the aforementioned is it any surprise the kid(s) themselves are probably messed up to?

    Now I'm not talking about minor stuff like petty crime or such but the bigger ones you tend to see.

    Child or not, how could you know your child killed someone and still defend? Seems as if Karlies parents are as screwed up as she is.....

    EDIT: I also hate how when a young person gets in trouble with the law, you have your attorney or parents telling you you just made a "mistake". No, her getting into her car drunk and hitting and killing a husband and father of three was not a "mistake". You CHOOSE to drink, you CHOOSE to get into your car and drive. So, there is no "mistake". When I got my DUI it wasn't a "mistake" it was just me being stupid, the sooner people start taking personal accountability the better; but I don't see it changing much with the kinds of people having kids.

  2. #2
    gorillagirl Guest
    first, she didn't INTENTIONALLY kill him. drunk driving is not premeditated murder. second, your parents will likely love/support through your entire life through all your mistakes. you got your license taken away for drunk driving, right? did your parents abandon you? it's probably only by the grace of the goddess that didn't kill someone while you were drunk driving also.
    i worked in a county jail for a while in the library and i worked as juvenile hall teacher for 5 years. i can't even count the number of former students i have in prison right now for robbery, attempted murder and murder. guess what? their moms (dads-if they have 'em, sisters, aunties, cousins) still regularly write them, visit them, send them packages, etc...
    i currently write to 3 of my former students. one was arrested at age 14 for a gang related shooting, charged as an adult, and got 45 years.
    one was arrested at age 18 for robbery and got 39 years. another one was arrested at age 18 for shooting one of my other students to death and got 50 years. these guys made really fkdup choices but they were teens when they started getting locked up from gang infested, high-poverty violent neighborhoods, etc... and i'd prefer to write them in prison and give them a glimmer of goodness/hope then let them rot and fester in anger/rage/self hate so when they get out (and they probably will), they will be more angry and full of hate and possibly make even worse choices. we want our people coming out of prison BETTER PEOPLE, not more damaged/more violent (which is generally what prison does). i write to these guys because i knew them as KIDS and i have a maternal instinct to want them to have a reasonable chance at succeeding back in the real world if/when they get out. believe me, these guys are thrilled to have people to write to who knew them before they did their horrible crimes and cared about them. when their teachers, neighbors, family, friends, clergy, doctors, etc... write them, they are reminded that they are more than their crime.
    all i can say is...just wait until you have a kid and then you'll have your answers.

    what i DON'T understand is women penpal-ing, then falling in love with, and marrying, lifers and/or death row inmates who are proven guilty beyond any doubt. there is an entire culture of women who write inmates as love partners. many of these guys are never getting out. i suppose it's safe for them. they can have a fantasy lover who will never be released from prison into their real life. they can live in some "happily ever after" dream that will never be proven a vile nightmare (the perfect LDR). for women who write to long-timers, most of these women spend years visiting and sending $ to inmates and when they get out, it's a week of "ooh, baby, baby" and then the guys start right back into their lyin', cheating, drinking, drugging, thugging, and getting re-arrested. many of them have multiple women they write to and proclaim to love even behind their wives backs. it's twisted. see www.prisontalk.com if you want to see how sick it really gets.
    Last edited by gorillagirl; 07-13-2013 at 04:25 PM.
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  3. #3
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    She may not have intentionally killed him but her choices she made that night did result in his death, she's still completely responsible for what happened. Yes my dad did help but I didn't kill anyone or seriously injure anyone (thankfully). It's a chance everyone that drinks and drives takes; I was fortunate. Not to mention as I stated she cared more about finals then the fact she killed someone. Isn't that bad enough? I just can't fathom how parents like hers can look at themselves and defend someone that killed someone just because she was being irresponsible.

  4. #4
    gorillagirl Guest
    like i wrote above, just wait until you're a dad and then you'll know.

  5. #5
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Well, you don't have any kids either.

    Still, it's not really relevant how parents feel. Your kid messes up they need to pay the price. Even the girls mother looks like she's 70 and boozes it up all the time. Not surprised her daughter inherited it.

  6. #6
    gorillagirl Guest
    i hope your parents continue to back you next time you FKUP.

  7. #7
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    NY10 is offline Senior Member
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    I stand by her parents supporting her through this. A parent is a parent, they love their child from the first time they hear their heart beat until the last breathe they take. Kids will do bad things, when they are children they will annoy you, when they are teenagers their attitudes will make you want to kill them, when they are in their early teens you will be sick with worry but they are your child and no matter what they do, how good or how bad, even if they murder someone they are your child and you should love and stand behind them. I am not a parent but I know that even with the crazy relationship I have with my mom mother there is nothing in this world I will do that she will ever turn her back on me, she'll get mad at me, disappointed, maybe loose her trust in me, have moments of rage but she will defend me and stand behind me because she is my mother.
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  8. #8
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by NY10 View Post
    I stand by her parents supporting her through this. A parent is a parent, they love their child from the first time they hear their heart beat until the last breathe they take. Kids will do bad things, when they are children they will annoy you, when they are teenagers their attitudes will make you want to kill them, when they are in their early teens you will be sick with worry but they are your child and no matter what they do, how good or how bad, even if they murder someone they are your child and you should love and stand behind them. I am not a parent but I know that even with the crazy relationship I have with my mom mother there is nothing in this world I will do that she will ever turn her back on me, she'll get mad at me, disappointed, maybe loose her trust in me, have moments of rage but she will defend me and stand behind me because she is my mother.
    So by going by that Hitler and Stalins parents should have loved and defended them no matter what they did, right?

  9. #9
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by gorillagirl View Post
    i hope your parents continue to back you next time you FKUP.
    Well, if I went out drinking and driving again and killed someone I wouldn't deserved any "help" now would I? You do realize people and adult children can make mistakes so bad there is no forgiveness right?

  10. #10
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    MissMuffins is offline Senior Member
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    I think there's a difference between unconditional love for one's child, and defending one's child no matter what.

    My sons know that I'm on their side, no matter what. They know I'll go to bat for them if they're getting a raw deal. They also know that sometimes, me being on their team means me standing with them as they 'fess up and take their lumps.

    There have been situations involving both my sons where I found myself in the position of saying something along the lines of:

    Son, I'm not your friend. I'm your mom. You can make more friends, and you only get one mom. I can take the easy way out as a parent and blow smoke up your a-s-s, or I can do right by us both and tell you the truth, with love, no matter what, even if I know it's going to piss you off. Much as I love you, you fck'd up on that one. Now, let's go look it in the eye and deal with it, with honor and integrity.

    MM
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    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  11. #11
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissMuffins View Post
    I think there's a difference between unconditional love for one's child, and defending one's child no matter what.

    My sons know that I'm on their side, no matter what. They know I'll go to bat for them if they're getting a raw deal. They also know that sometimes, me being on their team means me standing with them as they 'fess up and take their lumps.

    There have been situations involving both my sons where I found myself in the position of saying something along the lines of:

    Son, I'm not your friend. I'm your mom. You can make more friends, and you only get one mom. I can take the easy way out as a parent and blow smoke up your a-s-s, or I can do right by us both and tell you the truth, with love, no matter what, even if I know it's going to piss you off. Much as I love you, you fck'd up on that one. Now, let's go look it in the eye and deal with it, with honor and integrity.

    MM
    At least you're not one of those soccer moms that will run out into the middle of a sports field and argue with the ref just because little johnny had an unfair call.

  12. #12
    degausser is offline Senior Member
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    Unconditional love is a crazy thing.

    I don't know about the particular case you're mentioning, but an accident is an accident. That doesn't mean that she isn't to blame, or that she shouldn't take responsibility for her actions, or that she shouldn't face legal consequences. But it was not intentional. If your parents won't love you at your worst, who will?

    We all make bad choices, and we all have the capability of doing terrible things. Your situation could have ended exactly like hers. But it didn't. Should your dad have turned his back on you for making a bad choice? Or is it only the end result that matters? In that case, what if you unintentionally do something terrible and didn't make a bad choice? My mom has a friend who hit and killed a 5 year old. She was sober, not speeding, not doing anything wrong. But a 5 year old ran out in front of her car, and she killed him. Should her family have turned their backs on her?

    Or, is it only an unforgivable offense if you don't publicly own up to it?

    There are a lot of variables in that type of situation. Unconditional love is not simple or logical. If I went on a killing spree, my parents would still love me, no matter how shocked and horrified and disgusted they were. That's what unconditional means.
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  13. #13
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by degausser View Post
    Unconditional love is a crazy thing.

    I don't know about the particular case you're mentioning, but an accident is an accident. That doesn't mean that she isn't to blame, or that she shouldn't take responsibility for her actions, or that she shouldn't face legal consequences. But it was not intentional. If your parents won't love you at your worst, who will?
    The case is here: ‘Party Princess’ Karlie Tomica Faces DUI Manslaughter Charge - ABC News even the comments agree with me as do the majority of the people.

    It was NOT an accident! An accident implies you messed up on something that was out of your control. Her case is different. She is 20, she should know what the consequences of drinking and driving are (believe me I found that out). It wasn't an "accident" she decided to use a fake ID to drink underage. It is not an "accident" she, while drinking, decided to drive. It is not an "accident" that after she hit and killed the man a pedestrian saw it and told her to stop but she kept going all the way back to her apartment. She had parts of his brain in her hair!!!!

    My point is this whole thing was COMPLETELY avoidable (just as mine was)! I highly doubt you'd like your husband to be killed due to some dumb underage drunk kid.

    We all make bad choices, and we all have the capability of doing terrible things. Your situation could have ended exactly like hers. But it didn't. Should your dad have turned his back on you for making a bad choice? Or is it only the end result that matters? In that case, what if you unintentionally do something terrible and didn't make a bad choice? My mom has a friend who hit and killed a 5 year old. She was sober, not speeding, not doing anything wrong. But a 5 year old ran out in front of her car, and she killed him. Should her family have turned their backs on her?
    Well it's quite a big difference between DRINKING AND DRIVING and some 5 year old running out in the middle of the street. They aren't even comparable. Her family didn't need to turn their backs, but they can quit with the whole "Our daughter is an innocent angel that just made one bad mistake (which it isn't)". Please.

    There are a lot of variables in that type of situation. Unconditional love is not simple or logical. If I went on a killing spree, my parents would still love me, no matter how shocked and horrified and disgusted they were. That's what unconditional means.
    Then what would you say to kids who have parents that disown them for whatever reason? It happens.

    I'm curious if you'd be willing to say all of what you wrote to the dead mans wife and three kids.

    This is why we have so much violence in America because of bleeding hearts.

  14. #14
    fiorinda Guest
    I've got (adult) kids and I can completely understand how you would keep defending them no matter what, or if you had to stop defending them because the thing they did was so bad, you would still love them, and it would destroy you. Thankfully my kids haven't done anything bad. When you have kids, you love them in a way that is like no other love, I really don't think you can understand it until you have kids of you own.

    However, I suspect part of the reason parents defend their kids when those kids do terrible things is that society tends to think that if a youngish person screws up, then it's because of how they were brought up - that their parents are somehow to blame. So by defending your child, you are defending yourself and your parenting. You HAVE to believe that you did your best and that your kid is essentially a good person.
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  15. #15
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by fiorinda View Post
    I've got (adult) kids and I can completely understand how you would keep defending them no matter what, or if you had to stop defending them because the thing they did was so bad, you would still love them, and it would destroy you. Thankfully my kids haven't done anything bad. When you have kids, you love them in a way that is like no other love, I really don't think you can understand it until you have kids of you own.
    So then what about parents that disown their own children? Sorry, but I don't believe for one second Hitler, Stalin, or Pol Pots parents would still love them unconditionally if they had still been alive when their children were screwing up.

    However, I suspect part of the reason parents defend their kids when those kids do terrible things is that society tends to think that if a youngish person screws up, then it's because of how they were brought up - that their parents are somehow to blame. So by defending your child, you are defending yourself and your parenting. You HAVE to believe that you did your best and that your kid is essentially a good person.
    How you are brought up is a part of it, but even though this opinion may not be popular, the truth is I think there are many people that are just born evil; regardless of what great loving parenting they have or how well they were brought up. I believe that, for the most, part a bad person is just a bad person no matter their circumstances growing up. There's just something about their core being that makes them out-and-out bad. Sorry, but I don't believe having the aforementioned being raised by great loving people wouldn't make them any less evil.

    Seriously, give me a time machine and I'll kill all those SOBs the second they are born! I'd love to drown baby hitler and stalin

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