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Thread: Chapman's "Love Languages"--What's yours? What's your partner's?

  1. #1
    MissMuffins's Avatar
    MissMuffins is offline Senior Member
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    Jun 2008

    Chapman's "Love Languages"--What's yours? What's your partner's?

    A while back, pinkunicorn began a thread about the 5 Love Languages, a concept by Gary Chapman. The "Love Languages" have come up several times since, in various threads.

    Here's a link to his site:
    Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®

    While Dr. Chapman is a Christian pastor and couples/family counseling is part of his ministry, the "Love Languages" product has evolved in the course of its development into a mass-marketable franchise. It's probably neutral enough now that most people who aren't Christian probably won't find it off-putting. By way of a testimonial: I'm not a member of the same Christian sect as Dr. Chapman, and this material *doesn't* grate on my last nerve. I think people relate to it so well because the idea that you "have to speak to them in their own language" is common to several cultures.

    I brought knowledge of the Love Languages with me to this relationship. Throughout the ups and downs of our relationship, I've tried to use the skills and knowledge I possess to improve my own performance as a partner and understand what was happening within our relationship without intentionally making excuses for/being tolerant of bad behavior.

    Try as I might, I couldn't peel back enough layers of junk to get to the heart of the matter. I'd begun to fear I was looking for something that wasn't there--perhaps I'd already peeled back all the layers, and there was nothing at the core.

    Today, after a little more than 4 years together, I learned that the grumpy guy's receiving love language is Acts of Service. While I remain painfully aware that I am not the only person in this relationship, therefore I am not the only one responsible for its maintenance and development, I also feel like I've discovered the Rosetta Stone. It gives me so much insight into expectations which I felt were unrealistic, as well as arguments which I thought were completely unprovoked and stalemates which made no sense to me.

    Between that and the concept of "cultural dualism" (which explains how could someone who's so competent in other areas of his life can be so utterly incompetent in his close relationships), I feel as though I've been handed the keys to the Universe.

    I'm interested to hear how awareness of your or your partner's Love Language has strengthened your relationship, if it's helped elsewhere--like at work, with a friend or sibling, etc.

    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  2. #2
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Aug 2011
    Your Scores

    3Words of Affirmation
    10Quality Time
    2Receiving Gifts
    6Acts of Service
    9Physical Touch

  3. #3
    pinkunicorn's Avatar
    pinkunicorn is offline Senior Member
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    Oct 2010
    My husband and I speak similar Love Languages, I'm most strong in affirmations, but touch is a very close second. He is most strong in touch, but affirmations is a close second, too. I think it helps our relationship a LOT that we speak each other's languages very well and without much effort.

    My ex's Love Language is Acts of Service, which I am the weakest at (my score for that one was almost nil). His weakest was affirmations. So besides the fact that he was a controlling, abusive buthead, we still would have had a hard time showing each other affection in the way each of us needed to hear it. In fact, the pastor that married us told us that our personalities were on complete ends of the spectrum. He even told us that normally, when couples test that way, he refuses to marry them! He only gave us an exception because he knew both of us well and he knew our backgrounds. Well, in hindsight, we should have listened and never should have gotten married!

    I'm noticing my almost 8 year old daughter seems to lean towards gifting. She is always making little trinkets to give away to us or to her friends, and she loves to pick out things for other people. She adores recieving gifts, too. The other day, my son and I went to the store while she stayed home with my husband. We decided to surprise her with some carnations and she was ecstatic!

    My 10 year old son seems to like quality time. He is happy spending time with the people he loves, whether we are watching a movie, camping, riding bike together or whatever.

    As far as other relationships, such as work relationships and friendships, I tend to use the Holland's RIASEC (Realistic, Investigative, Artistic, Social, Enterprising, or Conventional) or the Controller/Analytical/Planner/Supporter personality types to figure out the best way to deal with co-workers and customers. I am an ASI personality type, and I could also be considered a Planner with Supporter tendencies.
    Never try to fit in when you are meant to stand out.

  4. #4
    AmandaAlice's Avatar
    AmandaAlice is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    My score is:

    2 - Words of Affirmation

    10 - Quality Time

    4 - Receiving Gifts

    5 - Acts of Service

    9 - Physical Touch

    I was surprised by the acts of service rating higher than receiving gifts, I thought it would be the other way around. Otherwise it was pretty much what I expected I'm sending the link to my friends to try lol.

  5. #5
    Air is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Stockholm, Sweden
    I think Pinkunicorn made me aware of this test earlier during the summer. I sometimes doubt that a test like this is 100% accurate, but anyhow I did it to learn a little about myself and reflect on how I am in general.

    My scores were:
    Profile Scores:
    2 Words of Affirmation
    6 Quality Time
    1 Receiving Gifts
    10 Acts of Service
    11 Physical Touch

    Think I agree somewhat to the result though I really like physical touch and I think I’m very untypical Swedish in that way (all my family are really), over here you are supposed to at least keep an arm length distance to the person you speak to. But I never liked the Mediterranean way (no offense, just speaking generally) to flirt or show interest. If a man tells me he likes me and adores my eyes (or whatever) it makes me confused and wonder what he really wants. I think it has with culture to do and me being very unused to such talk. I like to be nice to people, but honestly standard phrases when courting me could even make me angry or furious. When it comes to seducing me a man does it best with make me a cup of tea and look me silently in the eyes (or take me to McDonald and buy me a hamburger and sit closely at a plastic table)than bring a present and tell me I’m the most wonderful person he knows. The same with music, pure romantic music make me almost feel manipulated. Not like that I ever had been seduced with music but should a man try there is just a song that has affected me romantically and that’s Frankie Goes to Hollywood with “Power of Love”, think the song text tells all about what love is….”feels like fire and make love is your goal…..”. About my high points of acts of service I think it got so high because I like acts of small things for instance writing a small note in an e-mail, writing a post card, buying a bit of favorite chocolate etc. it just give me that wonderful feeling of that he has been having me in his thoughts. And that makes me feel great!
    Last edited by Air; 08-06-2013 at 03:55 PM.
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