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Thread: being myself?

  1. #1
    kittyloki is offline Member
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    being myself?

    Most of you on here know me by now.
    I'm 25 and my hubby is 62. We have a 6 year old daughter together.
    I have a hard time being myself.

    My husband made good money during his working years and is now disabled. I don't have to work. I still plan on going to school for hair dressing. A lot of people see me as a gold digger. I try to give off the image that I don't care about material things because I don't want people thinking of me like that.

    Truth be told I don't like wasting money. My wedding ring is a stainless steel band I got off ebay for $15. But I do like clothes. Most of my clothes are new but a lot are second hand from the Goodwill. I don't wear makeup or jewelry. I have a large collection of headscarves to match my different dresses. I spend about $50 to $100 on clothes every month.

    I like nice clothes and shoes. I wish I could wear them without people judging me. Why do I feel the need to make people accept me? geez...

  2. #2
    pinkunicorn's Avatar
    pinkunicorn is offline Senior Member
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    Repeat after me: "What other people think of me is none of my business."

    Remember, most people aren't paying as much attention to you as you think they are! People are so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't give a rat's patootie about what you have going on. The few who may voice their opinion are only a tiny fraction of the people you encounter every single day.

    As far as why do you do this to yourself? Well, from what you've posted so far, you've had a pretty rough time growing up. That can definitely lead to the insecure attachments that you may be feeling now. Your way of coping with this is by wanting to do everything possible to help people like and accept you. But how can you do that if you don't even know exactly what they want? All you end up doing is assuming what people are thinking and driving yourself nuts in the process.

    I attended a seminar once where one day we had to do something that put us totally out of our comfort zone or that was out of character for us. He suggested wearing something we normally wouldn't wear, put on mismatched socks, stuff like that. I decided to go without makeup that day (which I NEVER do--I am very red without it, which makes me very self-conscious) and I wore my glasses instead of my contacts. I thought I looked horrible. You know what? Nobody noticed! Not one person made a negative comment about my appearance. And as the day went on, it was easier and easier to be in public with my face "naked." Now sometimes if I have to make a quick trip to the grocery store or something, I am fine if I'm not wearing any makeup.

    Another lady had the same experience. She claimed she normally would never leave the house without dressing to the 9's. Hair done nicely, full makeup, nice clothes, jewelry, everything (probably what you would figure would be a "gold digger" look, kittyloki!). Well, she came to the seminar that day wearing a t-shirt and yoga pants, with her hair in a ponytail, and no makeup. No one noticed that she wasn't dressed "right." We wouldn't have even known how far she was out of her comfort zone if she hadn't mentioned anything!
    fiona666, Redhead, Air and 3 others like this.
    Never try to fit in when you are meant to stand out.


  3. #3
    theREALTrish's Avatar
    theREALTrish is offline Senior Member
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    Here's what I've gotten from everything that you've posted about your relationship. Your husband calls the shots.....to the point of being abusive. You're young and niave.
    You got involved with him when you were underage. You're attempting to learn and grow and he's not happy about it.


    All I can tell you is forget about what you have to wear......that's the least of your problems....

    Sorry....that's based on what's been presented by the OP....
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  4. #4
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kittyloki View Post
    I like nice clothes and shoes. I wish I could wear them without people judging me. Why do I feel the need to make people accept me? geez...
    Everybody likes to be accepted and appreciated.
    You got a couple things that trigger the judgemental button on people apart from the age gap.
    You have not completed your education.
    You are a stay-at-home mom, that is not wrong at all, but some working women frown at women who stay at home to be a mother.
    If I were you I would set a priority for education.
    You do not have to hide your nice clothes and shoes, it's nobody's business how you dress.
    Having said this, do you feel that you need to shop every month and surround yourself with "new" things because you feel a void in your life?
    Azureth and trolleycar like this.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  5. #5
    MissMuffins's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kittyloki View Post
    I like nice clothes and shoes. I wish I could wear them without people judging me.
    You're involved with a religious sect that is very conservative and pious, whose members have been schooled to believe it's their spiritual responsibility to confront you over minutiae if the "holy spirit" tells them to. I wrote "holy spirit" because I think what you wear is between you and the Holy Spirit. Mean spirited holier-than-thou individuals would probably do well spend less time worrying about what other people are (or aren't) wearing.

    People who abandon things like jewelry, cosmetics, contemporary clothing, etc. in favor of "modest dress", religious robes, or habits have made a conscientious spiritual decision to do it. Some people do it as a vow of poverty. Others do it as a form of fasting, or to eliminate distraction, or to simplify their lives, or a whole host of reasons. They don't do it just to fit in.

    If you feel in your heart that the best way for you to show your love for God includes covering your hair and wearing dresses, then do it because that's what's right for you. If you feel like someone else is pressuring you to do it, it's not the right spiritual choice for you.

    Remember: Jesus was a nonconformist.

    Quote Originally Posted by kittyloki View Post
    Why do I feel the need to make people accept me? geez...
    Because you're human, and that's the way we were created.

    MM
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  6. #6
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    Who are these judgemental people? Because as long as you know the truth, it really shouldn't matter.

    I found out that a few "friends" thought I was being a golddigger when I first got involved with hubbie (Pffft! That's a laugh and a half because both of us earn a decent living) and you know what I realised? Those people aren't friends. The ones that matter to you will know the truth. Who cares what anyone else thinks? You only get one chance to live your life. Make the most of it and just be yourself.

  7. #7
    NY10's Avatar
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    I am sure people think the same of me. My guy has a very very good, makes a very nice living, we live in a gorgeous home and I want for nothing. Of course I have a good job myself, come from a family that always made want for nothing so the only people who would think that of me are the one's who don't know me so well.

    I have learned not to let what people say or think get to me. I know the truth and the people I love and care about know the truth. People who are insignificant in my life I don't let their opinions or thoughts bring me down.

  8. #8
    gorillagirl Guest
    I agree with Trish that the issues you should concern yourself with reach far beyond what your community thinks of your clothing. Have you asked your husband to stop spanking/punishing you? Think "big picture" stuff when you're fretting. The little stuff is just keeping you from facing your real problems. If the members of your community have nothing better to do than criticize your dresses and shoes, they are in big denial over issues in their own lives as well. Instead of feeling judged or ridiculed by them, pity them. They are small minded people and their opinions shouldn't matter. So, stop worrying what other people think about you and your life and figure out what YOU TRULY WANT from life and do whatcha gotta go to improve it. On a very realistic note, you will outlive your husband. In 20 years, if he lives that long (what kind of disability does he have?) he will be 82 and you will be 45. If he lives 10 years, he will be 72 and you will be 35. You must find a way to take care of yourself when he's no longer in the picture. I am so curious about your faith and if you live in a city, or suburbs, or someplace more rural. Do tell!
    Last edited by gorillagirl; 08-23-2013 at 12:23 PM.
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  9. #9
    MissMuffins's Avatar
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    I once left an Apostolic congregation after it was made clear to me that if I intended to continue worshiping there, I needed to grow out my hair, stop wearing slacks, makeup & jewelry, and observe their interpretation of "modest" dress.

    As a general rule, I don't wear a lot of makeup and jewelry. I favor traditional clothes and usually don't put my assets on display. So, I wasn't going to church dressed like anything remotely resembling a street walker or call girl.

    After that conversation, I didn't return to church there. I didn't even take the time to explain that I'd discerned that spirit and saw it for what it was, or tell them that the Lord hadn't called me to have waist length hair and wear it teased into a pompadour in front and twisted updo in the back, or wear godawful ugly long sleeved T-shirts or button front blouses with ankle-length denim skirts and clompy shoes or ugly sneakers.The little girls wore elaborate home-sewn Daisy Kingdom dresses until about middle-school age. Then they and the adult women wore the same funky hairstyle and what looked like the worst crap they could find on Clearance or the thrift store. I think it was some dude's fetish, passed off as something else. When two visiting pastors and their wives came, they dressed conservatively and stylishly in a dress and a suit with skirt and heels.

    We have several different Anabaptist and non-denominational communities in the region who observe several different interpretations of modest dress and plain dress. Some are very traditional, some are classic contemporary, and some are freakshows who will probably go to jail as soon as someone can find a way to nail them on charges that have nothing to do with religious freedom.

    MM
    gorillagirl and theREALTrish like this.
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  10. #10
    theREALTrish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissMuffins View Post
    I once left an Apostolic congregation after it was made clear to me that if I intended to continue worshiping there, I needed to grow out my hair, stop wearing slacks, makeup & jewelry, and observe their interpretation of "modest" dress.

    As a general rule, I don't wear a lot of makeup and jewelry. I favor traditional clothes and usually don't put my assets on display. So, I wasn't going to church dressed like anything remotely resembling a street walker or call girl.

    After that conversation, I didn't return to church there. I didn't even take the time to explain that I'd discerned that spirit and saw it for what it was, or tell them that the Lord hadn't called me to have waist length hair and wear it teased into a pompadour in front and twisted updo in the back, or wear godawful ugly long sleeved T-shirts or button front blouses with ankle-length denim skirts and clompy shoes or ugly sneakers.The little girls wore elaborate home-sewn Daisy Kingdom dresses until about middle-school age. Then they and the adult women wore the same funky hairstyle and what looked like the worst crap they could find on Clearance or the thrift store. I think it was some dude's fetish, passed off as something else. When two visiting pastors and their wives came, they dressed conservatively and stylishly in a dress and a suit with skirt and heels.

    We have several different Anabaptist and non-denominational communities in the region who observe several different interpretations of modest dress and plain dress. Some are very traditional, some are classic contemporary, and some are freakshows who will probably go to jail as soon as someone can find a way to nail them on charges that have nothing to do with religious freedom.

    MM
    I'm probably completely inappropriate but your post made me chuckle, MM. I was actually watching the cutest movie earlier today called Keeping the Faith. It's about three
    friends from childhood....Ben Stiller grows up to become a rabbi.....Edward Norton grows up to become a priest. They remain friends into adulthood and are reunited with another
    childhood friend played by Jenna Elfman. Ben Stiller is trying to get more people back to the synagogue so he's a rather "unorthodox" rabbi. But, something he said in one of his sermons
    really hit me. I'm paraphrasing but it was basically that religion has nothing to do with faith. Or maybe it was Edward Norton who said it to his parishioners. Well, either way, it really struck
    home with me....I'm what you'd call a "recovering" Catholic.
    gorillagirl and Air like this.

  11. #11
    MissMuffins's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by theREALTrish View Post
    I'm probably completely inappropriate but your post made me chuckle, MM. I was actually watching the cutest movie earlier today called Keeping the Faith. It's about three
    friends from childhood....Ben Stiller grows up to become a rabbi.....Edward Norton grows up to become a priest. They remain friends into adulthood and are reunited with another
    childhood friend played by Jenna Elfman. Ben Stiller is trying to get more people back to the synagogue so he's a rather "unorthodox" rabbi. But, something he said in one of his sermons
    really hit me. I'm paraphrasing but it was basically that religion has nothing to do with faith. Or maybe it was Edward Norton who said it to his parishioners. Well, either way, it really struck
    home with me....I'm what you'd call a "recovering" Catholic.
    I don't find it inappropriate at all. I'm curious: which part did you find funniest--the blatant contradiction between teasing one's hair into a 6" pompadour and calling that "modest" dress, or the idea that someone who's met me face-to-face and talked to me for more than 5 minutes still actually thought I'd be malleable enough to change the way I dress in order to keep going to their offshoot storefront church?

    I admire people whose own spiritual convictions compel them to embrace modest dress, plain dress, religious garments or habits. I think all people should have the freedom to follow their spiritual callings and openly practice their spiritual beliefs, from wearing saffron robes to medieval habits to having long hair as a sign of health and anything in between, including plain dress and modest dress. My own spiritual convictions led me to convert from being a Protestant Christian to a Catholic Christian. For someone else, it may mean being a Buddhist monk or nun. For yet another person, it may mean being Wiccan. I also think that any decently-educated, rational mind who has moderately well developed "critical thinking" skills ought to be able to recognize from a mile away why anyone might promote lack of choice in spiritual practices rather than peaceful co-existence of all faiths.

    I have a problem with it when it's not a sign of one's own freely made spiritual choice. When it's compulsory for all who follow that faith, and those who don't comply are shunned, ridiculed or worse, that's wrong.

    I think one day the world will wake up and realize a person is a lot more likely to go to hell for stoning to death a woman who showed her legs than for being a woman who showed her legs. I also think it's really interesting that males make most of the "rules" surrounding female dress, whether they're ecclesiastical rules or civil rules.

    I hope that one day, kittyloki finds the freedom to be herself--no matter who she's with or what she's wearing.

    MM
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  12. #12
    degausser is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by theREALTrish View Post
    I'm what you'd call a "recovering" Catholic.
    That's exactly what my dad calls himself hahaha.

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    degausser is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by kittyloki View Post
    Most of you on here know me by now.
    I'm 25 and my hubby is 62. We have a 6 year old daughter together.
    I have a hard time being myself.

    My husband made good money during his working years and is now disabled. I don't have to work. I still plan on going to school for hair dressing. A lot of people see me as a gold digger. I try to give off the image that I don't care about material things because I don't want people thinking of me like that.

    Truth be told I don't like wasting money. My wedding ring is a stainless steel band I got off ebay for $15. But I do like clothes. Most of my clothes are new but a lot are second hand from the Goodwill. I don't wear makeup or jewelry. I have a large collection of headscarves to match my different dresses. I spend about $50 to $100 on clothes every month.

    I like nice clothes and shoes. I wish I could wear them without people judging me. Why do I feel the need to make people accept me? geez...
    I say wear whatever you want. There's no reason to care about what anyone else thinks about what you're wearing. You've also said that you dress very modestly, so I'm wondering what you're buying and are worried about wearing? An especially swanky headscarf?

    I do agree with others that this is the least of your problems to be worked on in your marriage. That being said, any judgments about being a gold digger, just ignore them. No matter what you do, if someone is going to think that, they're going to think that. Don't be afraid to be yourself.
    Redhead and mskitty like this.

  14. #14
    theREALTrish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissMuffins View Post
    I don't find it inappropriate at all. I'm curious: which part did you find funniest--the blatant contradiction between teasing one's hair into a 6" pompadour and calling that "modest" dress, or the idea that someone who's met me face-to-face and talked to me for more than 5 minutes still actually thought I'd be malleable enough to change the way I dress in order to keep going to their offshoot storefront church?

    I admire people whose own spiritual convictions compel them to embrace modest dress, plain dress, religious garments or habits. I think all people should have the freedom to follow their spiritual callings and openly practice their spiritual beliefs, from wearing saffron robes to medieval habits to having long hair as a sign of health and anything in between, including plain dress and modest dress. My own spiritual convictions led me to convert from being a Protestant Christian to a Catholic Christian. For someone else, it may mean being a Buddhist monk or nun. For yet another person, it may mean being Wiccan. I also think that any decently-educated, rational mind who has moderately well developed "critical thinking" skills ought to be able to recognize from a mile away why anyone might promote lack of choice in spiritual practices rather than peaceful co-existence of all faiths.

    I have a problem with it when it's not a sign of one's own freely made spiritual choice. When it's compulsory for all who follow that faith, and those who don't comply are shunned, ridiculed or worse, that's wrong.

    I think one day the world will wake up and realize a person is a lot more likely to go to hell for stoning to death a woman who showed her legs than for being a woman who showed her legs. I also think it's really interesting that males make most of the "rules" surrounding female dress, whether they're ecclesiastical rules or civil rules.

    I hope that one day, kittyloki finds the freedom to be herself--no matter who she's with or what she's wearing.

    MM
    I think what I find amusing, as well as aggravating, is the arrogance of mainstream, and not so mainstream religion. Anyone who has the audacity to look over God's shoulder and tell others
    what is, and is not acceptable, is a fool to me. At this point in my life, all I know is that there must be something more. That's all I need to know, as far as I'm concerned. Because the human
    concept of God, to me, is way off.
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  15. #15
    MissMuffins's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by theREALTrish View Post
    I think what I find amusing, as well as aggravating, is the arrogance of mainstream, and not so mainstream religion. Anyone who has the audacity to look over God's shoulder and tell others
    what is, and is not acceptable, is a fool to me. At this point in my life, all I know is that there must be something more. That's all I need to know, as far as I'm concerned. Because the human
    concept of God, to me, is way off.
    In one way, I envy them their narrow-mindedness. Life is so much simpler when one allows another to do one's thinking for one, and when "this" is right and "that" is wrong with no middle ground. Those of us who've accepted the responsibility of thinking for ourselves have usually done so after having found ourselves in situations where those who've told us what was right and wrong, and made decisions for us, grossly abused that responsibility. That's complicated, and it definitely takes the shine off things.

    I, for one, didn't really appreciate the colossal mind-fock and emotional/mental tailspin that came along with being in situations that called upon me to reconcile that abuse with "right" and "wrong" and "god" vs "God". It damned-near derailed me for good, and it's been a long haul back. It left me with a lot more room now for tolerance and something that's not necessarily "tolerance" but a recognition that I'm more prone to vengeance than graciousness, so I'm willing to let the official ruling on that move be between him and his Maker, because I don't want to be the one responsible for making the call on that play. Otherwise, I'd let my desire to beat the bat-rastard half to death with a bat or something consume me from within.

    In another, I realize how dangerous that narrow-mindedness truly is. I agree wholeheartedly--God is a lot "bigger" than our minds can grasp, and every time we try to shrink God down to our size, we get it wrong. Really, really wrong.

    MM
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

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