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Thread: Is this rude or am I just old fashioned?

  1. #1
    LastTango is offline Member
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    Is this rude or am I just old fashioned?

    Advice please

    I'm in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend who is 21 and I'm finding it extraordinarily hard I have to admit, luckily the situation will end in December but we've now gone 5 weeks without seeing each other and she won't currently commit to a date when we can meet because she's just starting a college course and is very busy.

    However the thing that's really getting on my nerves is the way she texts me. I text people all the time, I'm highly IT literate, having worked in the industry and I understand that when I text casual acquaintances or even many friends they might not respond for hours even a day or two if at all but I expect it to be a little different with someone I love and who loves me. I find she will not at any time concentrate on a conversation unless she's in bed falling asleep then she has little choice so I'm often talking to her and there's a gap in the conversation of an hour or two, I never do this and will stop what I'm doing to text her back as soon as I can. Tonight for example she was on her own in her new flat and texting then suddenly there's nothing for an hour. I eventually got sick of waiting and texted her to say I was tired and going to bed, she immediately responded and said good night. This is quite a frequent occurrence and no matter how many times I tell her I don't like it and I'd rather she just told me that the conversation is ended and she's got other things to do rather than leave me waiting for a reply (particularly when I'm tired and it's last thing at night) she will not change this behavior. Personally I tend to think that shows a lack of respect for me but what do you guys think, am I just being old fashioned and grouchy or is there something in what I'm feeling and if there is how on earth do I tackle it if she just wont change?

    I should also mention that what seemed particularly rude about tonight was that I was trying to help her with an internet problem when she just stopped texting for the hour, no thanks, no reply nothing!

    Maybe I'm being over sensitive and old fashioned, what do you think?

    I'd be really grateful for any advice and comment on this even if it's telling me just to chill out and accept it so please do tell me what you think, the more the merrier!
    Last edited by LastTango; 09-03-2013 at 09:40 PM.

  2. #2
    Faith's Avatar
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    Yes, it is rude. But I don't know what you can do to make her see it that way and stop. Unless perhaps you've got some means of punishing her for each offense. Just kidding.

    Just a guess, but it sounds like she's often multi-tasking like mad, probably texting other friends during the same period, or on Facebook... the time flies by and she gets caught up in other convos and forgets that she left you hanging...? Plus add in a new semester starting and a new flat... lots of distractions.

    My ex used to do this to me in the early stages of our relationship until I threw a tantrum and threatened to break it off. But I don't see you doing that.

    I hope somebody else posts some useful advice, because I'm afraid I got nuthin'.
    Unless you want to go back to the punishment idea.....?
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  3. #3
    LastTango is offline Member
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    Thanks Faith, I appreciate your comments, especially the fact you agree with me because I've got to the stage here I wonder about my own judgement she's so unable/unwilling to change.

    I think you're absolutely spot on there, she's constantly multitasking, her time management is dire, and she never in my opinion prioritises time for the relationship which leaves me feeling pretty desperate at times and often very very upset. I've tried to explain this to her but it doesn't seem to sink in or maybe she just doesn't care, I do wonder at times!

    Interesting what you say about me not threatening to stop the relationship, I wonder why you get that impression because I have thrown quite a few 'tantrums' and threatened to call it off but it just doesn't seem to work, I'm close to the end of my tether with it to be honest!

    With regards punishment what can I do, cut off contact for a day say but it's punishing me too in a way. Mind you I might be able to wean myself off contacting her that way I guess and that'll save me a lot of upset.

    It's a real quandry, I truly love her but she's causing me an immense amount of upset as a result of her behaviour and she doesn't seem to be able to amend it or she doesn't care.
    Last edited by LastTango; 09-03-2013 at 11:03 PM.

  4. #4
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    I think that texting as a form of communication is lame. Of course there are going to be gaps, that's the nature of the beast. When you text someone you are giving yourself a low priority. If you want a fluid/immediate/real-time conversation, you pick up the phone and call.

    Texting does NOT replace conversation. If someone is trying to have a dialogue with me via texting they are in for a dissapointment, the gaps will be larger and larger until the person gives up.

    My husband and I do minimum texting (he is 33, I'm 55). We do not communicate while we are at work unless it's something out of the ordinary. My son tries to communicate with me by text, and I call him back. If someone attempts to communicate with me by text I feel no urgency to text back, I will if I do not have anything else to do atm. I only text people for non urgent business.

    I demand full attention from the person I am communicating with. Once a friend and I were having lunch together, and while I was there, she initiated a phone call, I got up and moved my service to the next table. When I lunch with my son, I ask him to stop texting when we are together.

    Now THAT's old fashioned.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  5. #5
    MissMuffins's Avatar
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    It's rude.

    Insist on a set time--an hour, 30 minutes, whatever--where you have actual voice communication. If she can't agree to that, or agrees to it and then doesn't follow through, you will be in the unfortunate situation of needing to decide whether or not this is the relationship for you.

    I'm 45, my SO will soon to be 64. My sons are 22 and nearly 25; his are 19 and 21, soon to be 20 and 22.

    When my SO and I send text messages to each other, we don't expect immediate response. If an immediate response is called for, we call.

    We noticed that if either of us was emotional--whether angry with the other, or just in a bad frame of mind in general--it quickly degenerated into an argument, and we had worse fights via text message than in person. There have been occasional violations, but we have a longstanding agreement to not attempt to communicate via text while upset.

    When we text our sons, we realize they might be at work and will respond--via text or voice--when they're done with what they're doing. If we want to talk to them right now, we call.

    That isn't to say my SO doesn't take calls and text messages when I'd rather he wouldn't. He uses the toilet while on his cell phone (yuck) and our most recent disagreement stemmed from his cell phone use while in a doctor's waiting area, when he *should* have been checking in for his appointment. The first time I placed my foot squarely on his buttocks and gave him a distinct shove toward the edge of the bed after he stopped what we were doing to reply to a text message, he got my message. It hasn't been a problem since.

    It doesn't matter what the person's age; people need to put down their devices and do what they're doing, with whomever they're with, instead of being focused on a blinking, blipping, bleating little box.

    Conversely, a cell phone isn't the human equivalent of those remote-controlled shock collars used for training dogs. If you're sending her text messages while she's in the middle of something, she needs to let you know she's busy so you don't continue to expect an immediate reply. In the instance where you were in the process of helping her with something, it's beyond my understanding why she didn't reply for an hour and why you didn't call her instead of letting her keep you hanging for an hour.

    MM
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  6. #6
    LastTango is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties View Post
    I think that texting as a form of communication is lame. Of course there are going to be gaps, that's the nature of the beast. When you text someone you are giving yourself a low priority. If you want a fluid/immediate/real-time conversation, you pick up the phone and call.
    I agree to an extent but I do think texting is fine as a check in thing during the day, you know the sort of lightweight message here you text and say "this is what I'm doing, how's it going for you". I think where I/we have gone majorly wrong is allowing texting to take over as more or less the only form of communication. This is what's frustrating me so much and it's always me who is the one asking for phone calls and she refuses to be tied to a time for these and even when I end up insisting she phones, which I know is not a good thing, we have often ended up with conversations at the very end of the day when she's too tired to speak properly. On the one occasion when I insisted on a daytime conversation she ended up putting the phone down on me because someone she works with came to her door! Apparently it was impossible to tell them to go to the living room and wait until she'd finished the conversation with me!
    Texting does NOT replace conversation. If someone is trying to have a dialogue with me via texting they are in for a dissapointment, the gaps will be larger and larger until the person gives up.

    My husband and I do minimum texting (he is 33, I'm 55). We do not communicate while we are at work unless it's something out of the ordinary. My son tries to communicate with me by text, and I call him back. If someone attempts to communicate with me by text I feel no urgency to text back, I will if I do not have anything else to do atm. I only text people for non urgent business.
    I tend to be a lot more attentive to her texts than that I have to admit but I agree it's not a replacement for conversation but unfortunately it's become the only 'easy' option because she's so loathe to do anything else and it always ends up with me feeling I'm forcing her into a phone call.
    I demand full attention from the person I am communicating with. Once a friend and I were having lunch together, and while I was there, she initiated a phone call, I got up and moved my service to the next table. When I lunch with my son, I ask him to stop texting when we are together.

    Now THAT's old fashioned.
    So I'm not so old fashioned eh
    Quote Originally Posted by MissMuffins View Post
    It's rude.
    Thanks, it's reassuring to know I'm not just being over sensitive!
    Insist on a set time--an hour, 30 minutes, whatever--where you have actual voice communication. If she can't agree to that, or agrees to it and then doesn't follow through, you will be in the unfortunate situation of needing to decide whether or not this is the relationship for you.
    There's the rub, I have and she either refuses or, as in the example above, cuts the conversation short because something else comes up!

    Am I therefore in the unfortunate situation of deciding whether this is the relationship for me? It does rather feel like that but the problem is I do love her so much I know I'm going to go through an immense amount of pain if I cut her off.
    I'm 45, my SO will soon to be 64. My sons are 22 and nearly 25; his are 19 and 21, soon to be 20 and 22.

    When my SO and I send text messages to each other, we don't expect immediate response. If an immediate response is called for, we call.
    Fair point and I think at times because texting has become virtually our only means of communication I've been unfair in expecting reasonably fast responses but I think it's a sign of desperation on my part, if that makes sense?

    Where I really do have an issue is when we text and she asks me questions, sometimes quite emotional ones about my state of mind or my relationship (which is difficult) with my former wife, and I answer these honestly thinking I'm in a conversation and then I wait 1 or 2 hours for a response which when it comes usually seems rushed and superficial, I do find that rude and uncaring too to be honest.
    We noticed that if either of us was emotional--whether angry with the other, or just in a bad frame of mind in general--it quickly degenerated into an argument, and we had worse fights via text message than in person. There have been occasional violations, but we have a longstanding agreement to not attempt to communicate via text while upset.
    I can totally relate to what you say, texting has been an utter disaster for us when I've been upset. Today I'm actually deliberately going for virtually no text because I know I'm upset and it might quickly degenerate into an argument. I sent a late one wishing her a good morning after she texted me the same but I'm avoiding any more for now and if I can keep it up I'm not going to text at all until much much later. what I have done though is send her a very calm message on Facebook asking for her side of the story and telling her that I did find her rude last night. The problem is that even that is likely to elicit an angry and defensive reaction from her based on past experience. Unfortunately there won't be much time this evening for a telephone conversation because I'm out (work related, not social) and wont be back in until late.
    When we text our sons, we realize they might be at work and will respond--via text or voice--when they're done with what they're doing. If we want to talk to them right now, we call.

    That isn't to say my SO doesn't take calls and text messages when I'd rather he wouldn't. He uses the toilet while on his cell phone (yuck) and our most recent disagreement stemmed from his cell phone use while in a doctor's waiting area, when he *should* have been checking in for his appointment. The first time I placed my foot squarely on his buttocks and gave him a distinct shove toward the edge of the bed after he stopped what we were doing to reply to a text message, he got my message. It hasn't been a problem since.
    I wish she was as easy to handle
    It doesn't matter what the person's age; people need to put down their devices and do what they're doing, with whomever they're with, instead of being focused on a blinking, blipping, bleating little box.

    Conversely, a cell phone isn't the human equivalent of those remote-controlled shock collars used for training dogs. If you're sending her text messages while she's in the middle of something, she needs to let you know she's busy so you don't continue to expect an immediate reply. In the instance where you were in the process of helping her with something, it's beyond my understanding why she didn't reply for an hour and why you didn't call her instead of letting her keep you hanging for an hour.
    That's a good point and I didn't phone because I know she'll misread my action and think I'm checking up on her, she has accused me a few times of trying to timetable her and make her feel like she has to explain all her actions. I don't think I've done that but this is how she views this kind of behaviour on my part and any such conversation would quickly degenerate in an argument.

    As for her behaviour I'm flummoxed too but I'll be interested to see her response to my Facebook message!

    Thanks again for the responses and again the more the merrier so please chip in some more anyone reading this, it definitely helps to discuss the issue with other people and best of all reassures me that I'm not being totally unreasonable in my expectations.

  7. #7
    Mebel's Avatar
    Mebel is offline OWYM AG 29 yrs
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissMuffins View Post
    It's rude.

    Insist on a set time--an hour, 30 minutes, whatever--where you have actual voice communication. If she can't agree to that, or agrees to it and then doesn't follow through, you will be in the unfortunate situation of needing to decide whether or not this is the relationship for you.


    MM
    and I feel sorry for you, I would also not tolerate her lack of respect.

    My own situation is that i do not like speaking through a phone with my ym.I think it has also something to do with the speaker, or because he does not speak or sounds clear in this thing.So we do not phone, i think we did this less than 10 times in 5 years.
    But since day one of our relationship, and during our day, we send eachother alot of sweet and small text messages. Just to know eachothers day.
    Because we speak the same language of respect, we both click completely in even small short messages. If something needs more attention we are able to understand eachother through longer whatsapps!
    But..i am so glad that we see eachother every 4 days for real conversations.
    Last edited by Mebel; 09-04-2013 at 05:55 AM. Reason: English
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  8. #8
    mskitty Guest
    So far we are all in agreement that it is just plain rude and shows no respect for you and or the relationship.

    What to do about curbing the already established behavior is another story and there are some parts of this relationship that are not revealed to us to make a clear and concise evaluation of why she continues to abuse the relationship. When she knows perfectly well it upsets you. After all she is 21 and not a teenager anymore but is acting like one.

    Being who I am and there are quite a few women/men on here like me... I would loose my ***** ...My redhair would be out 10 ft and I would be mimicking the Tasmanian devil. Mainly cause my feelings would be so hurt to be treated with such lack of common courtesy. I know me and I would be crushed. Especially by someone who is in love with me and that I love. That is suppression to the max and seems like a control issue with her.

    respect and love go hand in hand ... can't have one without the other..please throw trust in there...cause to me that is very important...Cause if I can't trust you to return a decent bloody text message then what makes you think I will trust you with my heart..there I said it... lol
    Last edited by mskitty; 09-04-2013 at 06:53 AM. Reason: added more

  9. #9
    LastTango is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mebel View Post
    and I feel sorry for you, I would also not tolerate her lack of respect.
    Thank you, maybe I've been too tolerant?
    Quote Originally Posted by mskitty View Post
    So far we are all in agreement that it is just plain rude and shows no respect for you and or the relationship.
    That seems to very much be the case yes, I'm almost surprised in a way because when you're grappling with this kind of issue and someone is refusing to face up to it it's very easy to start questioning your own reason and begin to doubt whether you're being reasonable or not and I have to say there have been times when I've behaved like the tasmanian devil you mention, doesn't get me anywhere though, it just pushed the focus onto me being unreasonable and I end up feeling very guilty.
    What to do about curbing the already established behavior is another story and there are some parts of this relationship that are not revealed to us to make a clear and concise evaluation of why she continues to abuse the relationship. When she knows perfectly well it upsets you. After all she is 21 and not a teenager anymore but is acting like one.
    Yes, very true but what things are you suggesting are not revealed? Perhaps I can reveal them!
    Being who I am and there are quite a few women/men on here like me... I would loose my ***** ...My redhair would be out 10 ft and I would be mimicking the Tasmanian devil. Mainly cause my feelings would be so hurt to be treated with such lack of common courtesy. I know me and I would be crushed. Especially by someone who is in love with me and that I love. That is suppression to the max and seems like a control issue with her.
    Okay that's interesting are you suggesting it's a passive/aggressive thing? Also what do you mean by suppression?

    Sorry for the 1001 questions but I'm trying to clarify in my own head what exactly you're saying.
    respect and love go hand in hand ... can't have one without the other..please throw trust in there...cause to me that is very important...Cause if I can't trust you to return a decent bloody text message then what makes you think I will trust you with my heart..there I said it... lol
    Well thanks for saying it and I agree, that's whats at the back of my mind all the time now, my trust is starting to erode quite rapidly. I think I've been pretty patient to be honest, I've had over 3 months of this now to a greater or lesser extent but it's got particularly bad in the last month or so when we haven't seen each other face to face at all for a prolonged period of time and as I say I can't get her to commit properly to a meeting date either or even clearly say that she definitely will in x number of weeks when say her schedule is less busy than it is right now.

    It does seem to me at times like any level of clear commitment over anything is too much from her perspective.
    Last edited by LastTango; 09-04-2013 at 11:48 AM.

  10. #10
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    I think that the message her text messaging/communication style is sending is "you are not as important as X number of things in my life".
    If you are at an early stage of the relationship, you can hope this will improve, as my YM's commitment to chatting improved over time. At first he was very unreliable, but then that was when we had not even met for real.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  11. #11
    LastTango is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties View Post
    I think that the message her text messaging/communication style is sending is "you are not as important as X number of things in my life".
    If you are at an early stage of the relationship, you can hope this will improve, as my YM's commitment to chatting improved over time. At first he was very unreliable, but then that was when we had not even met for real.
    Yes thanks for that, that's the message I'm getting myself so it's good to see someone else thinking the same thing and confirming my anxieties, well at least in the sense that they're not entirely unfounded! For me it's particularly galling because I do put her first but I constantly end up feeling like a complete mug for doing it!

    We have spent time together face to face, in fact we were staying in the same digs together. We first met back in February and hit it off from very near the start. We started 'seeing each other' in April and spent almost 2 months together like that, it was extraordinarily good. The long distance situation has been ongoing since early June so we've had 3 months of that now. As I say the last month to 5 weeks has been dreadful with no sign of a meeting and the communication deteriorating, my anxieties getting greater and no solution apparent.

  12. #12
    mskitty Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by LastTango View Post
    Thank you, maybe I've been too tolerant?

    Not too tolerant just seems like a lack of communication from her.

    That seems to very much be the case yes, I'm almost surprised in a way because when you're grappling with this kind of issue and someone is refusing to face up to it it's very easy to start questioning your own reason and begin to doubt whether you're being reasonable or not and I have to say there have been times when I've behaved like the tasmanian devil you mention, doesn't get me anywhere though, it just pushed the focus onto me being unreasonable and I end up feeling very guilty.

    that is what I mean about suppression...she would keep you off balance emotionally as her defense mechanism. do not understand why she was doing that other than maybe she did not know how to explain her actions..lack of communications skills?

    Yes, very true but what things are you suggesting are not revealed? Perhaps I can reveal them!

    one you answered at the end of this post.. time together , how you met, your age difference, you know all the juicy stuff...lol

    Okay that's interesting are you suggesting it's a passive/aggressive thing? Also what do you mean by suppression?



    Sorry for the 1001 questions but I'm trying to clarify in my own head what exactly you're saying.

    Well thanks for saying it and I agree, that's whats at the back of my mind all the time now, my trust is starting to erode quite rapidly. I think I've been pretty patient to be honest, I've had over 3 months of this now to a greater or lesser extent but it's got particularly bad in the last month or so when we haven't seen each other face to face at all for a prolonged period of time and as I say I can't get her to commit properly to a meeting date either or even clearly say that she definitely will in x number of weeks when say her schedule is less busy than it is right now.

    It does seem to me at times like any level of clear commitment over anything is too much from her perspective.
    At this time...could be just the newness of moving and new apartment new environment , ...she may just need this space for herself to explore by herself as a growth period in her life..but I would give her the space.. let her come to you..and see what happens in the next couple of days.


    this is an old quote that I loved for a long time....and it helped me learn patience..I am sure you have heard it ..

    "if you hold water in the cup of your hand it will stay ... but if you try to grab it ..it will slip through your fingers"

  13. #13
    LastTango is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by mskitty View Post
    At this time...could be just the newness of moving and new apartment new environment , ...she may just need this space for herself to explore by herself as a growth period in her life..but I would give her the space.. let her come to you..and see what happens in the next couple of days.


    this is an old quote that I loved for a long time....and it helped me learn patience..I am sure you have heard it ..

    "if you hold water in the cup of your hand it will stay ... but if you try to grab it ..it will slip through your fingers"
    Okay thanks, that's constructive advice and I'll see what happens although now I've asked her what was going on last night I fear her response might not be entirely constructive! Given it's a repeated pattern I have to admit I'm also a little cynical about the chances of this approach paying dividends and things improving but it's worth a try I guess!

    I'm keeping it calm though and avoiding confrontation this time so we'll see!
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  14. #14
    gorillagirl Guest
    Seriously, texting is no way for most humans to have a relationship. Upgrade that to voice chat or video chat. Texting is good for "bring home apples from the grocery store" when you live with or nearby the partner. That's about it. She's showing you you're not a priority. And you're not. College is. Her friends and flat mates are. Whatever is happening in real life in front of her eyes is priority. Real talk, right? Sorry. You're just this guy who is nagging her too much.
    I think you should break up and find someone who is more local, more willing to commit to a deeper intimacy and more immediately responsive to your needs.
    or maybe her thumbs just hurt?

  15. #15
    LastTango is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by gorillagirl View Post
    I think you should break up and find someone who is more responsive to your needs. or maybe her thumbs just hurt?
    I don't know but mine certainly do sometimes!

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