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Thread: Age Bias

  1. #1
    kvw1988 is offline Neophyte
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    Age Bias

    I just really need to vent because I'm sick of hearing it. Why is it okay for someone to assume that the only reason an older man is with a younger woman is for sex, or she's using him for money, or for some reason the two are shallow to be together and not with someone their own age? While researching about dealing with an age gap a lot of the articles I read carried this message, and a lot of experiences that I had with my OM around other people would reflect that opinion on us. People would assume that he broke up with his ex-girlfriend to be with me when in fact they broke up months before we even started talking. For the time being we are taking a break from our relationship, but these are still things that upset me, because our relationship was built on mutual hobbies and interests, and pursuing those things, like a person would do in a relationship with someone their own age.

    Last night I was watching a show with Anthony Bourdain in it (he's a chef in case you don't know) and he had his wife with him. I thought it was cool because she's quite a bit younger than him and I didn't know that so I thought given my situation I would find out how big of a gap they have. It seemed like everything written about this woman was bad, and mentioned the usual reasons for the two of them to be together sex, money....

    I'm just so sick of hearing it. I never realized how taboo these types of relationship are.
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  2. #2
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    pinkunicorn is offline Senior Member
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    That is why we have agelesslove!

    People tend to have negative reactions to anything outside what society deems "normal." Basically, that means anything outside of a heterosexual, monogamous dyad made up of a man and woman of similar age, race, and culture.
    Never try to fit in when you are meant to stand out.


  3. #3
    Air
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    Even being a rather logical, down to earth and realistic person I do believe there is something called "love". If two people can have that wonderful relationship where they feel love, compassion and truly care for each other, I must agree, I really don't understand why other should be so fast to judge and throw prejudice comments all around. In general I must say people could be rather harsh when it comes to arrangements that aren't 100% as the social norm says, and therefore I'm glad I found this site where I've met open minded people that truly want others to be happy and find their way to true love not matter, age, race, or other backgrounds variables as hindering them in getting whole life with someone they love.
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  4. #4
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    "People" will always have something to say about what someone else should/shouldn't be doing. The people who are your friends will be happy for you, and will worry about whether you are happy and being treated with love and respect. Everyone else can go pound sand down a rat hole.

    The people who had the biggest issue with it when Lovey and I began seeing each other were women his age and men my age who for some reason took it personally that we weren't dating someone our own ages.

    Some people have tried to be funny about the difference in our ages; I just don't put up with their crap. I figure if they're tough enough to dish it out, they're tough enough to take it. If they can't give as good as they get, they shut up pretty quick or I find someone else to hang out with.

    MM
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  5. #5
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    My mom and dad got the "oh, your granddaughter is pretty" comments, when their body language was obviously that of a couple and they were towing me along. Not to mention my mom was same age as his daughters.
    When I was real little I got confused and after about age 6, I would be offended.

    His ex-wife had my mother's family reserved at first since she was quick to mention to any of them she saw what a terrible man he was. They of course were concerned because of the 30 year age gap and elopement in Mexico to get married. My mom had to put up with a lot of disrespect as a young person. Both my parents were eccentric for their time...my mom would be considered eccentric still.

    My lesson if any is that ...the biggest thing is for the couple under glass to be solid in what they want..*each other*..so solid they never feel the need to "explain' themselves. And that strength will attract the proper friends and acquaintances.


    As an older woman not only is there disapproval but extra derogatory terms socially accepted in bushels. Not just "dirty old wo-man". In my case I get nervous sometimes, but Hunny has it harder as the younger party and as the party with the family freaking. With a few in my circle, I still had to nip in the bud any disrespect towards him disguised as teasing. His youth has inexperience and some growth ahead, sure. But if he was a 'baby' I wouldn't have had interest. And 'boytoy' can be a silly term if we use it privately teasing each other. But he is neither a boy nor a person being used for the "ride". I will help him grow as a person yet stay 'who' he is.. not "train him to be what I want".


    In the end, though difficult you have to enjoy your relationship if it pleases you so well and simply ignore rude people, even rude family members.
    Last edited by Pickles; 01-28-2014 at 02:47 PM.
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  6. #6
    LastTango is offline Member
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    This one intrigues me and, sometimes, annoys me!

    At 48 I'm 27 years older than my girlfriend but am lucky enough to look younger than my age, when we met I presumed she was in her mid to late 20s and she presumed I was in my mid to late 30s and I guess most others presume the same so we don't get the reactions we might otherwise get, but it's something that could become obvious at some stage! Looking around the internet when people comment on age gap relationships a number of words seem to crop up, including creepy, daddy issues, gold digger etc. To me this is just blind prejudice and says more about the person writing the comments than it does about the vast majority of age gap relationships. It's almost as if now homophobia and racism are pretty much taboo some of the bigotry and prejudice is fired our way and to me that's wrong, why should people want to stereotype relationships that have nothing to do with them unless they themselves have issues! What I find particularly disgusting are the comments that allude to some sort of underage, pedophile type of dynamic, yes they are out there. Like I'm sure many others on here I didn't go out to find someone who was so much younger than me, quite the opposite, it was simply something that happened and I ended up falling deeply in love. I personally don't feel I should have to feel guilty or bad about that happening and I deeply resent the suggestion that it's the business of any stranger out there with some axe to grind!

    No offence to older women in general but I'd be interested to know how many of these bigoted online comments are coming from bitter women of a certain age, I have noticed that women seem to be more inclined to take a 'dim' view of relationships between OM and YW than many guys but perhaps I'm stereotyping there myself?
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  7. #7
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    After a while you will get used to it, and it will not affect you much.

    I amuse myself following the train of thought of people who meet us.

    He is American, she is Panamanian, so she must have married him for a visa to the US.
    But they are living in Panama, so that must not be it.
    But Americans are all rich, so she must be with him for his money!
    But he does not look wealthy, so that must not be it.
    Then maybe she is his sugar mamma, and he is her boytoy.
    But for so long? Ten years! Shouldn't she be bored already?
    Oh well, then he must be very good in bed!
    Yup, that's probably it. Lucky old hag!

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  8. #8
    Air
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    I don't know any about comments on age relationships though I haven't been in one. But....I do know a lot about comments to a middle aged single woman without children.

    I hardly nowadays can have a week without either nasty comments about my marital status, or about how it might be that I'm single at my age. People make immediately a number of assumptions which are taken from out of the blue and when I tell them that I only lived in one long relationship in my life, I most often got told that it must have been my reason why the relationship ended. Note that these comments come from people who do not know me, know anything about my history or at all really care about me as a person.

    I have stopped to think about why people have this need to judge and categorize, if I would try to understand what the need is coming from I would probably go crazy. I just accept the fact that the human race is an incredibly prejudiced animal and that women generally have a maximum value as carriers of genes during her 20ies-40ies while men have their abilities throughout life and therefore do not lose their value in the same way.

    One have to learn stop listening but I have to say that my own experience is that women could be a lot more nasty in their way of giving comments, men only gets irritated if they don't get sex, which they often think I should be grateful to have when they offer ....
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  9. #9
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    I was thinking about age gaps today at work and about how ridiculous it is to find them odd. As long as both people in any sexual relationship are consenting adults, NOTHING else about the relationship should be of concern to anyone else. I have FAR more in common with Lee (who is 24 years younger than me) than I probably ever had with my peer-aged ex-husband. I have friends of all ages. If that's OK, why wouldn't it be Ok to have a partner of a different age? Too many people don't do enough thinking!!

  10. #10
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    M&M
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    i never been with a older man yet.... but i've always been into them. i've never been able to find guys my own age attractive or relatable. people always laugh and judge me but i stopped caring ages ago. i can't help how i feel when it comes to this. it just is.

    if other people wanna be nosey and make assumptions, thats their call. i just hope they have no reasons for people to judge them either.

    i can assure you i would not be with a older man for money, i hate when people buy me things. HATE it. it would not just be for sex. ive gone this long without, i think im good lol.... so it would be simply for love and happiness. wether or not others believe it.

  11. #11
    Air
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    As being single for a while I have noticed that it isn't about age when it comes to how people behave or how they act. There are though some stereotypes that I have to say I see a lot and that is so that older men could often be rather disillusioned and talk about their exes as mother of their children and many have rather harsh experiences with long divorce troubles. They often just want to have fun and want to meet a woman in their 20-30ies. And the younger guys wants to date older women because they know that usually older women wouldn't directly give them demands on a serious relationship or starting a family. So to find that person that really makes you happy and feeling good and also want to develop something that could last isn't the easiest thing ----but at least I don't think it has with age differences to do if you meet the right person. Suppose it all comes down to personality and how two people connects and I'm sure that has nothing to do with age, race or gender.
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  12. #12
    SummerBob is offline Super Moderator
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    I've always had the philosophy that if two people are "same-aged" enough to be in the same venue in life, then they're "same-aged" enough to have a relationship. That means working at the same job in a similar role, going to the same school taking the same classes, having the same "status" in society. When I was 48 I had a female supervisor who was 28. If that's okay, then 48 should be able to date 28!
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  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by LastTango View Post
    how many of these bigoted online comments are coming from bitter people, perhaps I'm stereotyping
    There fixed.

    yeah ..it's stereotyping. Though cliches' and stereotypes had a frequently occurring example to create them.. the origination must always be given a nod also.
    Bitter people of any age or gender.. often had bad break/divorces or parents who made a bad divorce horrific by sucking the children in middle.
    They don't usually get bitter simply because of age alone.
    Either gender more often are created into bitter people while hanging on to a dead end relationship.Especially since bitter people start to look unattractive because the pull down lines of sour expression setting in . A few were not balanced and healthy from get go but attractive enough where it was hand waved in youth and made into a case later.


    You notice it more in women of the 20th century because they were dependent on men, suffered a double standard and often were literally discarded when there was not another ounce of use these losers could squeeze out. Not many years ago, women were expected to put their career aside because the men made more money.. or worse they worked to put him through school and THEN he left. And when they left it was always a younger non-established woman that was looking out for herself and not gender... so thought wow.. he has it all.. I deserve all that. Never once thinking about the other woman maybe having contributed to that nest or her time with the kids that made them so cute to watch when he was playing dad.
    As a man you are likely conditioned to allow a lot of nasty or hurtful theories and slurs pass because they are used for so long and not directed in any that makes it feel personal (not at your gender)
    Only since the 80s has the equality of being a jerk been made readily available to women too ..but we are still seen as nasty hags if we say something while men can talk all they want about our sour faces, sagging part, frumpiness, how great it was to divorce that b33y74 who was no fun and what have you without feeling guilty or having fear some of the peers say "not cool man".
    Older men have traditionally had a clear field of women from 18 and up...they get away with younger if they marry her or are rich.
    But not very long ago a woman had a boy-toy if there was anything more than THREE YEAR difference. And wild stories of 'cougars' hit the editorial of trashy porn mags all the time to continue the myth that every woman over forty that dates any man under 35 is just a funtime fanny looking for STDs, pervy stuff no" nice girl" will do, BSDM and Bicurious happy time. And it's amazing how many these stories have mother-daughter "teams". I worked in a casino bar a year and in a scummy sports bar almost a year and I can barely count the times any mothers and daughters were present together that was not a birthday party or a 'Chippendale's night'. And the scummy bar attracted military man-ho's and triple divorced base bunnies.

    Just do a column as experiment. Column A has every specifically negative term for females over 30 you can find (MILF COUGAR) Column B negative about men over 30.

    So the bitter tone.. may be more complicated than a 'look at that old dude with that lil bimbo homewrecker' attitude.




    As for me? I never dated anyone much younger before..it has had unpleasant moments. I have heard a few cougar comments.
    Among my own, the word boytoy came up and I slapped that one with a Buick. He is not a toy and he is a man. Younger yes, but a fully functional adult . My family is now at peace but we are mostly a mix of Doangiva****e and open as long as it looks happy. and surprisingly it is the younger generation that gets nose up and made comments on "must be a fatal flaw..." I was told by those I no longer speak to that he'll dump me for someone younger as soon as my looks fade.
    More often when my family is being crass it is comments along lines "OMG he is soo WHIIIITE" "OMG He is so SKINNY! FEED him!" (he is native Polish)
    I am glad that 90% of my very large family think I deserve a nice guy and he is lucky to get me. ^_^

    His family is still having litters of cats over it. Though they don't have our quaint urban dictionary slur; so it is thinking there must be something childish or pervy about me to want him. Especially since I still entertain myself with video games. And fear he will waste his life .. and never have kids (he is only male of his generation in all four lines). They also think something is wrong with him. I consider this a self slam on their parenting. If I was content on how my adult child had turned out, can only a single incident which is of personal nature of relationship choice (partner is too poor-ugly-old-young) is reason to think my child is suddenly defective.. does that mean I never trusted who I helped shape?



    Though, I admit it does annoy me when someone thinks they have the right to say anything simply by seeing us. I don't bother explaining anything to these kinda trolls. Except someplace specific like this..no one on internet should even know enough of my personal life as to know age gap.

    Also OP..in case of Anthony Bourdain.. he left his first wife for the younger second..THAT is why he gets the extra acid censure.
    he started traveling and cooking and meeting chicks..lol. Knocked one up and married her (20 yr marriage ended 2007. Daughter by second wife born 2007. Married to second wife week after birth). So I think it is no rocket science why this particular pairing has less support >_<
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  14. #14
    SummerBob is offline Super Moderator
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    Quote Originally Posted by LastTango View Post
    No offence to older women in general but I'd be interested to know how many of these bigoted online comments are coming from bitter women of a certain age, I have noticed that women seem to be more inclined to take a 'dim' view of relationships between OM and YW than many guys but perhaps I'm stereotyping there myself?
    I think there's an element of jealousy. Older people of either gender feel slighted to be passed over for younger partners. To a lesser extent, young people feel the same way about being turned down for older people. This jealousy and resentment manifests as as crude jokes, bitter comments and offensive stereotyping. If these people were confident in themselves and happy with their lives, they wouldn't feel the need to attack others.
    Like Abraham Lincoln once said, "You can't believe everything you read on the Internet."

  15. #15
    Angel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LastTango View Post
    No offence to older women in general but I'd be interested to know how many of these bigoted online comments are coming from bitter women of a certain age, I have noticed that women seem to be more inclined to take a 'dim' view of relationships between OM and YW than many guys but perhaps I'm stereotyping there myself?
    Society attaches value to a woman's looks so youth can be envied by those whose life experiences left them jaded. Your relationship may serve as a trigger to those experiences.

    My husband is 26. I am 41. I began dating him when he was 18 and I was 32. I can't even count the number of times a man or woman (of all ages) told me that he wasn't serious about me and was just using me for sex, money, and my looks and that he would never remain faithful to me. I can say that, in my experience, the men were far much crueler about it than the women. I'm sure if we ever do fall apart some folks will see that as proof to the notion we were never legitimate to begin with. Even after almost 5 years of marriage and 9 years together I'm sure there are those that would be determined to misinterpret our relationship.

    Yet, with all of that, it has never occurred to me to call these men "bitter men of a certain age". Instead, I'm glad my husband doesn't miss the qualities about me that run deeper than the superficial. Some folks swim in the shallow end, so let them be and let those comments roll of your shoulder. It's not your responsibility to prove to others your relationship is healthy and time will resolve most of that without you ever saying a word.
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