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Thread: It Finally Happened

  1. #1
    NY10's Avatar
    NY10 is offline Senior Member
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    It Finally Happened

    "Is this your father" question.

    Two and half years together of traveling, living together, going out at least twice a week and tonight it had to happen tonight. Me and my guy decided to take the gorgeous weather we've been having here and go out for a nice dinner being work has been so crazy for me (state tests) and he has been insanely busy as well. We went to this restaurant that we have gone too many times before and half way through our dinner the waitress came to see if everything was OK, she said something and neither of us heard her very well so she said it again...LOUD and clear it came out. I answered fast, no this is my boyfriend and he responded with no, girlfriend, she's my girlfriend. So she had to add, oh well I didn't know, she is so young. Of course I tried my best to smile and brush it off but he did not take it so well. He was polite and smiled but it really bothered him. We made a joke that she wasn't getting a good tip and I tried my best to change the subject but he was definitely not happy about it. He doesn't want to talk about it and made me promise to never bring it up again joking or in anyway.

    We have been together for years and friends before that and it's never come up. I honestly don't see a huge age difference because he does NOT look 47 but he is clearly older than me.

    So much for my nice relaxing night off from cooking. At least we are taking a long vacation to Florida this weekend. I hope no one makes any comments there
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  2. #2
    fiorinda's Avatar
    fiorinda is offline Senior Member
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    I imagine this has happened, or will happen to most of us with a large age gap. It happened to us once, a man in a shop referred to me as 'the bank of mum' when I was paying for something. I was mostly pissed off because I like to think I don't look old enough, even though Lee is actually younger than my oldest child. It's all vanity! Not a lot you can do if your partner won't talk about it. Just know you're not alone!
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  3. #3
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    AmandaAlice is offline Senior Member
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    That happened to us back in January when we bought my new (to me) car from a dealership. We stopped by one day to browse around the lot, saw a car we liked, talked to the sales guy about it, but didn't buy that day. A day or two later, the sales guy called my OM and left a voicemail to tell him about a price deal on a truck he'd been looking at, and the 'Chevy that your daughter was looking at'. My OM was p.o.'d big time, he was saying he was going to call him back and tell him he'd just lost a big sale because of his assumptions and stuff. I really liked that car though, so after another week or so of looking we went back to that dealership, and I went for a test drive with the sales guy, and OM stayed behind, and the first thing the sales guy asked when we got in the car was 'So, is that your dad or your... what?' I was just like, no, he's my boyfriend. Guys says 'Ok, well I had to check, you never know nowadays.' I just kinda laughed about it and that was that. I think my OM is still irritated about it though if he stops and thinks about it.

  4. #4
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    It happened to me once, many years ago, despite the obvious racial difference. Even discounting color, (I have light skin) our features are way too different to belong to the same family. What has happened sometimes is that people realize there is a big age gap, and they try to figure out how many years, or to find out how it happened, and struggle to inquire about it in a polite manner. On the other hand, every time I travel with my son, we are asked if we are husband and wife. He looks so much like me, that it should be obvious we are related by blood. This annoys him and amuses me.
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    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  5. #5
    NY10's Avatar
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    I know that I'm not alone and have read here many times of this happening but I thought we were lucky that after years together and doing so many things in public it would never happen. My bf does not look his age, very little grey hair, nice fit body, looks a lot younger than his age, but I also look younger than 26, people have put me at 18 at the youngest. I knew that it was bound to happen but when it did it really threw us BOTH off. I was able to smile and get over it, make a little joke but J really took it hard. He laughed and smiled but he also sat there silently and shook his head. I'm not too sure what was going on in his head but when he told me to never mention it again or joke about it I knew it was serious to him.

    Maybe I'll revisit the case after our vacation or let sleeping dogs lay. I'm not gonna do anything to upset him but at the same time I don't think it was such a big deal that his reaction would call for never speaking about it again, even thought I admit thoughts ran through my head and it was a little uneasy. It could have been worse. I guess this falls into the category of people not thinking before they speak.

  6. #6
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    What happened to your BF is that he is 47. Forty seven is only 3 years away from the BIG 50. It is a time when one has to reconcile the fact that no matter how fit one is, or how little grey one has, or how young of a partner one has, one is not young anymore.

    For some, it is a sad realization.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  7. #7
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    pinkunicorn is offline Senior Member
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    This has happened to my husband and I a lot. Neither of us take stuff like that seriously and will often joke about it (part of what attracts us to one another--shared humor). We love to laugh at the looks and how sometimes people think so hard about something that really is a non-issue. People are often curious about how we met and neither of us are shy about telling our story.

    My 8 year old daughter will set them straight, though. "That's not my grandpa, that's my stepdad!!!" My kids, though, have never questioned our relationship or our age difference. The only comment my son made once was, "You and Terry aren't going to break up like you and dad did. You don't have the signs."

    My nieces and nephew have asked about it, because they notice that Uncle Terry looks more like Grama and Grampa's age than Auntie and mom's age. I think, too, though is that Terry and I show a lot more physical affection than my sister and her husband. He and I are always holding hands, sitting by each other, flashing the "I Love You" sign across the room at each other, giving a little peck or a hug every once in a while, etc.

    Stuff like this is just part of being in an AGR.
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    Never try to fit in when you are meant to stand out.


  8. #8
    NY10's Avatar
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    Well tonight as we packed our stuff for our trip I brought it up. I know he told me not to but I just had to. I asked if he was OK because he seemed to take it worse than I did and being we both smiled and laughed I didn't think he really took it all that bad until he made me promise not to say anything. He said that it just caught him off guard being no one ever mentioned it before and he was a little taken back. We were holding hands and playing footsie under the table and the woman is gonna ask if I'm his daughter. I told him that it's common with age gap couples and even showed him this thread to prove to him we are no different.

    I guess like SLK said he is nearing 50 in a few years and that is always a big thing with people. But I said at least when he is 50 I'll be a year closer to 30 and he'll have a hot young thing already. He did laugh at that and we have seemed to get over it. I guess he just didn't want me spreading it around to our friends and family that it happened. As long as I know he isn't starting to question anything, that's all I care about.

  9. #9
    Faith's Avatar
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    Whew! I'm so glad to hear that you cleared the air and he's not so upset anymore. Good for you for taking the initiative to talk to him about it.

    I have to confess that the waitress story gave me a little chuckle, as it reminded me of one of my favorite cartoons in The New Yorker...

    People eating in a restaurant have a little plate on the edge of their table with a couple dollars in it and a sign for the waitress that says: "Your tip so far."
    fiorinda likes this.
    "Leave the gun...take the cannoli."

  10. #10
    degausser is offline Senior Member
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    NY10 - If you want to make him feel better, you can tell him that it could be worse. It could be the experience that offended my boyfriend more than all others: The day we went to go replace my vibrator and upon walking into the store, an employee literally ran after me yelling, "Miss! Miss! MISS!" and asked for my ID. Because we were both mortified, we watched other customers...not a single person got carded upon entering or making a purchase. Just me. And there were other customers who were clearly my age or younger. But this employee obviously had a reaction to a middle aged man walking in with a young woman. We've both been offended at a few age-gap issues, but for the most part we laugh things off. But my boyfriend was (understandably) so deeply offended at the implication that he might be bringing an underage girl to look at sex toys. It's not on the "do not talk about" list, but he still isn't in a place where he's legitimately amused by it.

  11. #11
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    trolleycar is offline I still play with trains
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    Hi ny10.
    I think couples with a large age gap will have to deal with People not knowing the they are a couple and father and daughter. or in my case grandfather and grand daughter. I am 73yo and my Girl friend Is 37yo and she has a 13 YO daughter. More then once a server or just some one on the street will say My girl friend's daughter is my grand grand daughter. And my girl friend Will say the her daughter in our daughter. My girl friends tell every one that we are married and wife. So when they hear that we are married, we do not get looks as she is a gold digger or I am a cradle robber. the only thing we have to try to keep her daughter quit as she like to mess around with us. She calls me daddy And She likes to tell the her mom and daddy are working on making her a baby brother And you should see the grin on her face.G And if my girl friend Is in a playful mood she will say yes we are and we have been working hard at getting it right She does that to see just red my face will get.
    But the way we look at what people think and say does not effect us in the least. We love each other and that is all counts. As long as the three of us are happy what else could we ask for!! As the old sane goes I do not care what you call me. As long as you call me in time for to eat
    Why worry about the small stuff as life is to short to let the small stuff matter. Plus it is fun to see people try to extricate them selfs from what there big mouth has gotten them into. Remember Life is to short so enjoy it as we only go around once.
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  12. #12
    MissMuffins's Avatar
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    This kind of is and kind of isn't something that goes with the territory of being in relationship with someone who is not peer-aged.

    People are always trying to figure out relationships...when I'm with my friend who's 43 years older than me, they think she's my grandma or aunt. Nope. We're just friends. We met 7 years ago, when we belonged to the same organization. We clicked because we've been through many of the same experiences and have many of the same interests.

    I've always been friends with whomever I pleased, so I've had friends outside my clique, who didn't look like me, who didn't go to the same (or any) church, who weren't from around here, or who were considerably older or younger than myself. The people who worry the most about "why are they friends?" or "how do they know each other?" are the ones who don't have their own act together.

    I've dated 10+ years younger as well as 10+ years older. I'm American; my second husband was Australian. I was raised Protestant; my first husband was raised Catholic. I'm heavy and tall; my second husband was quite fit and several inches shorter than I am. I could tell you stories about people who "reacted" to each of those differences. In all cases, it made them--not me--look like the hind end of a donkey.

    This isn't Lovey's first AGR, either: his ex wife is a year younger than I am. They were married for 17 years; apparently the difference in their ages was always an issue, and he's always been asked if their children are his grandchildren.

    Within the parameters of our relationship, it wasn't until we began interacting with medical staff during his cancer diagnosis & staging that people began presenting open curiosity regarding our relationship to each other.

    Having said all that, the take home message is: the way others react to our relationships with people who are "different" than us says more about them than it does about us.

    MM
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    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  13. #13
    MissMuffins's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by trolleycar View Post
    Plus it is fun to see people try to extricate them selfs from what there big mouth has gotten them into.
    ^This!

    Way to say it, trolleycar!

    MM
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  14. #14
    fiorinda's Avatar
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    I was once shopping with my (then) best friend who is 5 years older than me. She had let her hair grow out gray, and she looks older than she is, and I look younger than I am, and the owner of one shop, that I went in regularly, asked us if she was my mum. We both laughed, but I think she was quite upset by it, and I know I was embarrassed and upset for her (she betrayed me by siding with my ex-husband when I left him, despite having been my best friend before I even met the man, so we're no longer friends!). We don't even look alike - we both have brown eyes, but her's are much darker than mine, and we're a similar height, but we have completely different face shapes and she has a very thin build and I'm more rounded. When anyone sees me with my real mum, there's no mistaking that we're closely related!
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