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Thread: Long Distance

  1. #1
    Felix Guest

    Question Long Distance

    Hey folks,

    Just wondering if anyone else on the boards has, in addition to an age-gap relationship, a long-distance relationship. Or am I the only one with masochistic tendencies???

    My boyfriend lives about 240 miles away from me, which makes for about a 4-hour train journey with changes. And he's thinking about moving further away! Argh!

    To make matters worse, both of us could end up changing country in the next couple of years due to jobs / education. Can a relationship hold up if people are on different continents??? My boyfriend figures that if we end up in different countries, then that's just how it goes. I guess I wish he cared about us staying together a bit more. On the other hand, I wouldn't want to give up my education / potential career for him. Would I???

    Have a better one!

    Felix

  2. #2
    acekay Guest

    lots to think about

    There are a lot of things you might want to consider regarding a situation like the one you have found yourself in. Here are some things that immediately came to mind:

    1.) Do you have a history with this man in order to be able to feel confident that you can make a life with him? Further, do you think your life paths will be ones that take you two ultimately lead toward the same place?

    2.) Is he SERIOUS about making a life with you..... what are his intentions with you? You have to be VERY clear on what his expectations from the relationship are before you can even answer some of the questions I asked above (#1). If he just wants to "see where things go", then you need to evaluate whether or not this is the kind of relationships you want to find yourself in. If he is truly committed, then you have some more to think about..... which leads me to the next question:

    3.) What are your education and career prospects, and are there institutions available in the location to where he is planning to establish your life. Can you find a happy medium? Even if you moved to the same city that he lived in (and either cohabited with him or lived alone), perhaps there could be MANY great prospects there for you...... so regardless of whether or not things worked out with him, you would still be resilient in that respect.

    4.) Do you care about moving away from your family? My sister does not mind living 600 miles away from everyone..... while for me, that poses as a challenge.... I like being a bit closer. You have to tap into what your boundaries are and how much you are willing to put on the line here. Know that yoou are young, beautiful, educated (and becoming moreso), and you have the world at your feet. Your man is lucky that YOU ARE GIVING HIM the time of day (I am sure you are fortunate as well), and he needs to value you as such. We can love them..... but we should always be sure to love ourselves more!

    Have a serious talk with him and do not be afraid of needing to find out where you stand. That cliche "better now than later" can be applicable in these type of situations.

    Good luck!

  3. #3
    Felix Guest
    Thanks for the reply...

    >>1.) Do you have a history with this man in order to be able to feel confident that you can make a life with him? Further, do you think your life paths will be ones that take you two ultimately lead toward the same place?<<

    Well... We've been together for about six and a half months, which in relationship terms isn't a helluva long time, particularly as up until the Christmas holiday period, we had only seen each other face-to-face for 17 days (due to the long-distance thing). However, I think that the long-distance element, and the fact that we've talked every day on the phone and by email, probably means that we talk a lot more than some couples who see each other every day. Also, we just spent a month living together at Christmas, and we didn't kill each other!!! So while I don't think I could safely say "yep! I definitely want to spend the rest of my life with him" both due to the fact we've only known each other for 6 months, and because I don't think I'd say that about anyone right now, I'd definitely like to entertain it as a possibility.

    >>2.) Is he SERIOUS about making a life with you..... what are his intentions with you? <<

    Well, my bf is a person who never gives a straight answer to anything. But what I've gleaned from him is that he has no intention (currently, anyway) of being with anyone else, that he likes me a great deal and we have fun together. Also that he, like me, wouldn't even think about marriage or similar commitments until a few years down the line. However, if we ended up living near each other (i.e. if he got a job near my university) then he'd be quite happy living with me.

    >>3.) What are your education and career prospects, and are there institutions available in the location to where he is planning to establish your life. Can you find a happy medium?<<

    Well... Right now I'm looking at places to go to graduate school. Unfortunately the course I'm looking at is a rare one, and I could end up applying to schools in Britain, the US, and Israel. Meanwhile, my bf could also get a job in Israel, or he could stay in Britain. But he's made it clear that I should go where I have the best opportunity, regardless of where he is. I guess this is very admirable on his part, but whenever I mention that he's an important factor in where I study, he tells me that I'm making him out to be too important, that there are hundreds of guys like him, and all men are ultimately expendable. Maybe he's just worried I'll give up my education for him, but I wish he'd think about the "happy medium" theory a bit.

    >>4.) Do you care about moving away from your family?<<

    Not a bit. My family's great, but if I did get an opportunity in another country, then off I go! I guess the same applies with my boyfriend, except that he's acting as if it would be a case of us automatically splitting up. If the worst happened and I was in California and he was in Israel, I'd hope that we could still at least try to see each other (and my course is only for a year after all).

    I guess what worries me most is not the real actual prospect of me being in one place and him being in another, but the fact that he doesn't seem to care a great deal. Although, knowing him, he's just doing that to make me make what he feels to be the best decision.

    Gee, someone really needs to make up a Relationships 101 handbook just for me...

    Have a better one!

    Felix

  4. #4
    acekay Guest

    more to think about........

    there are some more things that i am thinking of............ let me address your e-mail in the same way that you did mine. here goes:

    "Well, my bf is a person who never gives a straight answer to anything. But what I've gleaned from him is that he has no intention (currently, anyway) of being with anyone else, that he likes me a great deal and we have fun together."

    I think that 2 people who go against the "societal grain" would have an enormous amount of fun with one another, or else it would not be worth the effort. that being said, there was another part that sparked some interest in my head..... the part where you said that your bf is one who does not give a straight answer....... this speaks to his ability to commit to anything. i do not know him..... but i do know the value diplomacy and not being completely impeccable with answers and thoughts. in my life (as well in the life of others i know), one does not give straight answers when they are being evasive, insecure with their feelings, or have a mild fear of committing and being vulnerable to someont else. you may want to discern and be direct with him about your intentions with the relationship. all too often i have "gleaned" from previous boyfriends what their intentions were....... and then later, they give themself the safe out by reminding me that they never specified what they wanted or what their intentions were. make sure that the expectations and communication is QUITE clear....... this avoids later confusion.

    But he's made it clear that I should go where I have the best opportunity, regardless of where he is. I guess this is very admirable on his part, but whenever I mention that he's an important factor in where I study, he tells me that I'm making him out to be too important, that there are hundreds of guys like him, and all men are ultimately expendable. Maybe he's just worried I'll give up my education for him, but I wish he'd think about the "happy medium" theory a bit.

    i will suggest a movie that you should rent, and then watch critically. it is called Manhattan, and it stars Woody Allen, Mariel Hemingway, and Meryl Streep, as well as Diane Keaton. it will perhaps help you see some themes of the kind of relationships we can enter into, as well as to keep a "check and balance" of whether or not we can get what we want in certain situations. let me know what you think of it after you see it.... i think it could be applicable to your situation, perhaps in some ways.....
    also, i think that you need to think about why he says men are expendable........ that can encode a lot of how he perceived man/woman relationships........ are people just "expendable?" consider asking him his view. for you, i get the feeling that not too many people could fill his shoes for you.... but is the same the other way around........
    You would not be giving up your education..... you would just try to obtain the BEST education, as close to him as possible, because you value the relationship....... and he (nor anyone else) can make that kind of judgement value for you.... remember that.

    I hope i am not sparking any kind of insecurity.... that is certainly not the intention. You may have something great with your bf..... but you owe it to yourself to be with someone who will demonstrate the same level of commitment to you. Anything less than that is truly not worth your time and energy. I agree with his point.... you should go to where there are the best possible opportunities for you. I also believe this: Self-cultivation is important.......... but a life without someone truly meaningful to your existence means that you are not fully cultivating the self. I think we are largely on this planet to develop ourselves spiritually, physically, and emotionally..... and that is greatly possible when you have a mate who you can do that with.

    Don't lose sight of that.

    Good luck!
    K.C.

  5. #5
    Felix Guest
    >>there was another part that sparked some interest in my head..... the part where you said that your bf is one who does not give a straight answer....... this speaks to his ability to commit to anything.<<

    Well, I think that the inability to give a straight answer is probably at least partially a result of his lines of work - he's currently a psychologist, and used to be a private investigator. It does infuriate me at times. However, when I think about it, he generally has given me a straight answer on the question at some point. For instance, I have an email from him where he tells me exactly how he feels about me, etc. It's just rather difficult for me to get him to say the same thing again. However, I have made it very clear where I stand, and how I feel about him, and one thing I've always got very clearly from him is that he'd never hurt me.

    >>i will suggest a movie that you should rent, and then watch critically. it is called Manhattan<<

    Hmmm. Haven't seen that one. Will look out for it.

    >>also, i think that you need to think about why he says men are expendable........ that can encode a lot of how he perceived man/woman relationships........ are people just "expendable?"<<

    Well, yes, he says that everyone is ultimately expendable. Which I guess is true on some level. If my boyfriend were to die, I wouldn't just crumble into dust. However, I know that he's still friends with most of his ex-girlfriends, that he's had long term relationships, etc, so I don't think he's just messing around with me and then dumping me. Maybe he just doesn't want me to get hurt if it is necessary for us to be on diferent sides of the world.

    >> consider asking him his view. for you, i get the feeling that not too many people could fill his shoes for you.... but is the same the other way around........<<

    I brought this up a couple of times, and the bf said I had a very low self-esteem. LOL.

    >>You would not be giving up your education..... you would just try to obtain the BEST education, as close to him as possible, because you value the relationship....... and he (nor anyone else) can make that kind of judgement value for you.... remember that.<<

    Yup. Very true.

    >> I agree with his point.... you should go to where there are the best possible opportunities for you. I also believe this: Self-cultivation is important.......... but a life without someone truly meaningful to your existence means that you are not fully cultivating the self. <<

    <nods> Well said. Thanks for the advice!!!

    Have a better one!

    Felix

  6. #6
    acekay Guest
    Hi. Hope your weekend went well.

    "Well, yes, he says that everyone is ultimately expendable. Which I guess is true on some level."

    Yes, everyone is expendable by that definition, and we are (for the most part) resilient after a relationship ends. I guess the point is to see whether or not the person that you are with is worth growing and developing something with........

    "I brought this up a couple of times, and the bf said I had a very low self-esteem."

    There is a fine line between thinking that you have found the person that you want to spend a very long time with......... and then having low self esteem "because you cannot live without them." from what i can make of you (from your writing, of course), you seem to be pretty well-read and have a good sense of yourself. everyday, as we grow, so does our self-efficacy, confidence, and definition of ourselves. continue along your path...... and you will know how much you want to spend time with him, or explore the relationship for all its possibilities.

    Have a good one!
    K

  7. #7
    Felix Guest
    >>continue along your path...... and you will know how much you want to spend time with him, or explore the relationship for all its possibilities.<<

    Yup. The bf and I had a good long conversation the other day (on the phone, but better than nothing) and I tried to explain how it is that half the time I'm madly in love with him, and part of the time I have this very negative view of him. So we worked through why I thought these things, and I think (hope) it's all sorted. But, I guess as with anything, only time will tell.

    Hmmm... Note to self: phD project = boyfriend litmus test ;-)

    Thanks for the advice. I'm a much more person now.

    Have a better one!

    Felix

  8. #8
    MissPiggy Guest
    Hi My O/M and myself are 4000 miles appart , hes in the US and i'm in the UK , also doing a degree which I intend to finish before spending more time with him , We have seen each other about 4 weeks in the 5 years we have known each other, and yet he appears to have reservations about a future for us together , I personally believe love conquers all )

  9. #9
    Felix Guest
    >>Hi My O/M and myself are 4000 miles appart , hes in the US and i'm in the UK , also doing a degree which I intend to finish before spending more time with him<<

    Whoa. Suddenly the 240 miles between my bf and me doesn't seem so bad. I have a friend who "dated" her boyfriend when she was in California and he was in Germany for several years, before he finally moved out there, and they're now married. So it definitely can work over such a long distance. Hope it works out as well for you and your man.

    Have a better one!

    Felix

  10. #10
    jillian Guest

    Wink

    Hello everyone. This is my first posting and I am sooo grateful to have found this site. I, too, am in a long distance relationship (state-to-state). My man and I have a 25-year age difference. We've been "going out" for six months, though we've never actually been on a date. It was more like Life hit us over the head soooo hard and we knew we were meant for each other. We fell madly in love. We met at his workplace when I was taking a trip and because I am only seventeen, we have had to keep our relationship painfully low-key. The eyes of the world can be so cruel sometimes...
    I know that this is the man is The One. He is the most wonderful person I have ever met and it makes me happy every moment of every day just to know that he loves me. I am happily miserable, though. It is going to be a long while before I become legal and my heart aches for my one true love. Till then we talk all the time and send each other letters and stuff, but what it is about the physical aspect of love? And I don't mean sex--just the being around one another? Looking at each other? I miss it so much! This is the most difficult thing I have ever done, but in a way it is also the easiest thing I've done because I am so sure, in my heart, that we are doing the right thing. We've come this far, and we will continue until the end of time (that sounds silly, I know--but it's true). Age doesn't matter because love lasts forever. Love is beginningless and endless, and we can't and shouldn't have to change who we love with all our hearts.

  11. #11
    Felix Guest
    Hi Jillian,

    Welcome to the boards!

    Being a UK-er I'm always left puzzled by US age-of-consent rules. Here the age is 16... What is it where you are? 18? 21? 306? ;-)

    Just wondering what your man thinks of having a relationship (albeit at present a non-sexual one) with a minor? Is he willing to wait (however long it is) until you're legal? If he is, I'm tending to think he's a saint.

    Have a better one!

    Felix

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