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Thread: Need Advise

  1. #1
    man Guest

    Unhappy Need Advise

    Hi...Just joined the club, but perhaps I should done this a long time ago. I met a guy about 19 yrs younger and we had been dating for almost 9 months. He's been so supportive and loving always, and has gone through things with me that probably no one even my age would. But I have freaked out occassionally and told him I don't think this would work, because he's so young and I feel that someday he'll leave me for woman who can give him a future and a family. He's only 26, I'm 47. I have 2 children, and many issues in my life now that make me very insecure from time to time. So I blew it again a few days ago, and told him the same thing again. He's so sick of hearing it, that now he does not want anything else with me...needs his space, and I hurt him again. He always assured me he loves me and was not thinking about his future w/someone younger for now, but I know that someday he might, and it hurts. And he's very heard headed. I am very sad and angry at myself for doing this again...I still want him back. I think I am so selfish. Just don't know how to cope with this now. I wish he was back in my life, and tomorrow is Valentine's...I feel so rotten!
    Could use some support and advise.. What's wrong with me???

  2. #2
    yellowrose's Avatar
    yellowrose is offline Texas Gal
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    It takes a lot of good self esteem not to project into the future everything that MIGHT happen with your relationship. Only by living in TODAY can one truly be happy and feel grateful for what we have today. He is plenty old enough to know what he wants at 26. The YM (young men) do get tired of hearing the "poor me, you won't love me when I am old" reframe. It is insulting to them. It implys that they are not smart enough or man enough to truly know what they want. It is our job to keep our self esteem healthy, not theirs. And no matter what they tell us, if we feel less-than on the inside, it is never enough. Please read the threads about why YM love OW (older women). I hope you can "get it together" and he will give it another chance. It sounds like you two had something good there.

  3. #3
    kittykat Guest
    man, first of all, don't beat yourself up over valentine's day....that's a non-issue. sounds to me like YOU need to get ok with being with a YM. your YM seems to have NO issues at all with you being an OW. maybe you need to take some time out and work on you, because if you are not happy with who you are, it's very hard to reciprocate to someone else. i can understand where he is coming from, because from his perspective, you are not validating what he continues to let you know through actions and words ~ he's crazy about you. you sound like a lady with a wonderful man there ~ figure out where those doubts are coming from and get over them! good luck!!!

    >^..^<

  4. #4
    Niall's Avatar
    Niall is offline Rising up...
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    There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Your feelings, doubts apprehensions and concerns are very normal ones for any age gap relationship, and the OW/YM one has its own unique concerns, most notably the question of kids. And I think you are unecessarily beating yourself up by thinking that your're the selfish one in this equation. Because the simple fact is that you are 47 and he is 26, therefore if he knew there was a good likliehood that he would want kids, then at the very least he should have taken this into account at the first sign that your relationship was crossing the boundary from friendship to romance. It sounds to me as though you did your level best to establish communication with him and he kept tuning you out or trivializing your concerns. (at least that's the impression I was left with) This could be indicative of his initial denial but now it would seem as though he's given some serious thought to your concerns and that's why he's now pushing you away. You might not like my saying this, but by your own admission he's very stubborn and hard headed, as you say and it's pretty obvious that he's unwilling to engage in communication. If that's the case, you're probably better off without him. I have to confess he sounds pretty selfish to me and so it might be better if this relationship is in fact coming to an end.

    And you will find someone better in the not to distant future, if that's what you want. Someone who understands your needs and concerns and is supportive of you. Life has a funny way of pleasantly surprising us when we least expect it.

    Oh and one more thing: Valentine's Day is very overrated and sometimes it does seem like it exists soley for the purpose of making singles miserable. And for those who are in a relationship, it's what you do the other 364 days of the year that really matter, IMO. And I can't stress enough that you don't need to be in a relationship to feel like a whole and complete person. That comes from within you. I myself have been single for sometime now, and am quite content. (I'm also very busy and therefore I'm not sure how well a partner would fit into my life right now anyway.)

    To everyone else: for me and Valentine's Day -- it dosen't have the same depressing effect on me that it does on many others and it never has and never will. Because Valentine's Day also happens to be the same date that has even more depressing significance for me, and that is....on second thought you'll have to wait till tommorow to find out

    But hang in there and I hope you do stay around. It's times like these that support from others is crucial so you don't get too down.

    Niall
    "It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education." - Albert Einstein

  5. #5
    kittykat Guest

    PS

    man,

    rarely do men stick around out of pity, sympathy, or anything else! this guy seems to really enjoy you and the issues that the age gap could create probably are not important to him at this time. just live for the moment and relish in the here and now!

    >^..^<

  6. #6
    SherwoodSpirit Guest

    They beat me to it. :)

    Yellowrose, Kittycat and Niall all said pretty much what I would have said already...

    Don't "protect" yourself right out of this good relationship.

    You don't know how he'll feel in the future and he can't prove it to you ahead of time. Just know that if you DON'T allow him to stay in your life you'll never know how good it could have been.

    You can't KNOW what the future holds or how long you have together. You could get hit by a truck and be gone before children ever become an issue. But at least you would have had the time you had.

    I had this same issue to deal with in deciding whether to be with my s/o or not. He was 24 when we met (online), I was 49. He wanted kids... I was in menopause.
    I almost decided it was selfish of me to be with him because I would be denying him a family of his own. (I don't have kids myself.)

    The conclusion I finally reached was that I had no right to make that decision for him. He wanted to be with ME. He loves ME. He KNOWS I can't have children. It would have been arrogant of me to make the decision for him and to deny him MY love.

    Apologize to him. Tell him you need help to feel secure, that you need to hear him say he really wants to be with YOU. Then believe him when he says it. Give him the gift of YOUR love.

    I cried when I first found Ageless. I needed so badly to see that this kind of relationship can be successful. It can. It's working for so many of us. Like any other kind of relationship, it takes work, maturity, negotiation... but it CAN work.

    ~Val

  7. #7
    Desert Spring is offline Senior Member
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    I don't think ANYBODY wants to told what they want, or what they're going to do in the future. We're all sensitive about hearing that we don't know who we are, and that we don't know what we want, and that somebody else knows what's good for us more than we do. It's condescending.

    I know that these feelings are coming from your desire to protect yourself from damage. It's a healthy instinct, but it's counterproductive to loving someone.

    Loving anybody, no matter what their age is setting ourselves up for potential loss and hurt. Anyone, of any age, can boom, just decide one day that they don't love us anymore and don't want to be with us. Happens with 47 year old guys all the damned time.

    The only way anybody stays with anybody is that we trust them when they say they'll stick around, and we hope that trust will be rewarded. And we're ready to pick ourselves up off the ground if it doesn't work out that way.

    Your guy is an adult. He's 26 years old. if he were with another 26 year old, he'd be deciding whether or not she's right for him and he's right for her and no one would doubt their ability to do that. It doesn't change just because you're older than he is. It doesn't make him an indiot or an ignorant fool, and I believe that since you love him, you don't think he's an ignorant fool.

    Your insecurity - and I know the reasons for it, from firsthand experience, is not HIS insecurity.
    He's not responsible for it. All he can do is offer you his affection, and you have to decide whether to jump off that cliff with him or not.

    You can use this site, or another, or a good girlfriend as the sounding board for your heebie-jeebies.

    But in the end, you just have to decide whether you want to take this risk or not.

  8. #8
    man Guest

    The Outcome

    Thanks to all of you who replied to my need for advise. I wish I had that advise just a few days ago. My YM told me the same things over the months, but still I refused to let go of my fears and as he put it, my actions chipped away at the relationship little by little, until now it's too broken to be fixed. In the last few days, all I have been trying to do is fix something that's already broken, God knows now for how long. I should have known. I have called him so many times, he now hates me and because he just moved back with his parents, and they never approved of our relationship (even though they never once met me), they hate me too. They know what happened and they are happy it's over. I think if I call one more time, they'll threaten me with some kind of action! So I'll follow his advise and declare it over. Believe it or not, this guy was very different just a week ago today. I know I hurt him deeply, and he's very angry, but I now feel like he's a total stranger who considers me a threat, and that's the part that hurts the most. That when I'm going through these really tough times, I can't even reach him as a friend. It's scary to see someone change that way in a matter of hours. Something snapped in him, and I DID THAT TO HIM. If you are reading this and going through the same situtation, don't let it go this far. Do something while you can, and stick by your decision, one way or the other. This hurts, guys, and it's hard to get our of this rut, but life goes on. I am very ashamed of having to deal with this person that I have become these last few days, and for the obsession that I've had over him and getting back together since we broke up. This is all like a nightmare for me, as I am sure it is for him. Life goes on, and I still love life. This has been another painfull lesson that I hope I've learned for the next. BTW, I am 45 (not 47, that was a typo) and he's 26. But am I ready for a YM such as he was? Probably not. Young, but not that young. Perhaps somewhere in between.
    Thanks again for all your thoughts! This may not be after all such a bad Valentine's...

  9. #9
    yellowrose's Avatar
    yellowrose is offline Texas Gal
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    If you don't mind just ONE more bit of advise... I would not say it is ALL over with. Just don't call him anymore. Give it 2 to 4 weeks. There is a very good chance that he will get over his anger, miss you and then call you. NOW.. when & if he does, do not fall all over yourself telling him you are sorry. Just say honestly that you apologize, then move to another subject, like "how's work?" or something.

    Be upbeat but not humiliated. Don't ask where is the relationship going or anything like that. Just be cool and friendly. If you stay calm and collected, I think that there is an excellent chance he will be back. Then NEVER EVER do the "what if's" with him again. Do it with us. I doubt that things will be rosey for him very long with him living with his parents.

    Believe me, if he really loved you 2 weeks ago... just give him time to miss you & he may be back. In the mean time, get busy, get a facial. Go see a good movie with a girlfriend. PM me anytime you like. Good luck.

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