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Thread: Heartless or completely ignorant on how to treat people you care about?

  1. #1
    catlover's Avatar
    catlover is offline Senior Member
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    Heartless or completely ignorant on how to treat people you care about?

    That's what I can't figure out. Had to put my cat to sleep on Friday because of Feline Leukemia. He had been at his friends house in NY all week, came home on Thursday, and the friend came down to stay with his parents Friday nite.

    I told him that I really didn't want to be social, and didn't want people over on Saturday-I was too upset. He said that they (friend and friends wife) would just come over for an hour and then he (and they) would go to the friends parents house to hang out. I was okay with this-said I could handle 1 hour of social.

    WELL-the friends came over-we went to see house he was working on for about an hour. Then, the friends came right on in, and settled down. I said I didn't feel up to being social. Long and the short of it I had to go sit upstairs by myself - crying my eyes out over my dead cat - while they sat downstairs-where the fridge and the tv and everything else are, drinking beer and chatting until I finally came downstairs 3 hours later and made everyone uncomfortable enough to leave.

    Is it unrealistic of me to expect that he would not have done this? Am I selfish for not wanting to have people over? If not, what is wrong with this man that he would treat me like this. I just don't get it-is HIS generation (he's 35) completely immune and/or unaware of how to treat people-or is my generation (born in the 50's) holding on to an antiquated notion of decent behavior (and the way you should treat someone you care about) is?
    ambers garden-planted in memory of my cat Amber 1989-2006

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    Faith's Avatar
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    I'm so sad and sorry to read this about the loss of your cat. They are so much part of our lives and our family, and deserve to be honored as such. And when we grieve for them, we deserve the respect of other people. Sadly, many people don't understand this powerful bond and they just don't know how to behave or what to say. I wouldn't call it heartless. But ignorant, yes.

    His friends were probably taking their cues from him. So, I would agree that it falls on him to be aware of your feelings and to support and protect you when grief makes you fragile and vulnerable. I would be blunt and tell him so. He should certainly understand this by now, as you've gone through the loss of other beloved cats within recent years. It never gets easier, it's always heart-breaking. He needs to understand this, and you will have to make it clear to him.

    I'm so sorry you have to go through this. If you feel up to it later on, perhaps you could tell us a little about your cat?

    ~ with hugs and purrs from
    Faith and Ella
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  3. #3
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    I'm really sorry, when I moved I had to give up my 3 cats which was hard.

    As for him, he was being very inconsiderate and there is no excuse for it. He knew how you felt and he ignored it. At 35 he should know better, but obviously not. You should sit down and have a heart to heart talk and ask him why he didn't respect your wishes. If he gets defensive I'd see that as a red flag of immaturity, but if he apologizes and is sorry then you can take it from there.
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    Redhead's Avatar
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    I am sorry that you lost your cat. I have had guinea pigs for years, and I remember how I felt when my favorite guinea pig died.
    Your boy friend should really have respected your wishes. I would have some sit down talk with him. Of course one should be considerate of each other in a relationship.
    I can only shake my head in disbelief at his behaviour.
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    thanks to all so far-between the time I posted originally and now we had a huge blowup-ultimately he told me (1) get over it its just a cat (2) he was leaving and I could call him when I got over it.

    I told him I'd get over it when I got over it, and so far he hasn't gone-but did leave to go work on a house. i figure its telling his dog stayed with me and wouldn't go with him.

    I always wonder if I'm over reacting, or just old, since apparently (according to him) his generation doesn't think this type of refusing to leave behavior is rude (and he claimed his friend REFUSED to leave-I asked then why didn't you come upstairs and check on me and tell me. Personally, I think he's making it up
    ambers garden-planted in memory of my cat Amber 1989-2006

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    Faith's Avatar
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    At 35, he's a big boy. It's ridiculous of him to deflect blame onto generational issues. This is a maturity issue, as well as fundamental sensitivity to one's partner which is essential at any age. His words and behavior are callow.

    He is using his friends to avoid facing the fact that he failed to support you when you needed it. At the base of his anger, he might be feeling ashamed of himself, but is unable to acknowledge it. And to make matters worse, he is trivializing your feelings over the life and death of a beloved pet. It even sounds like he's expecting you to apologize to him. But in fact, he owes multiple apologies to you. If he fails to see and do that, there will be a serious rift in the relationship that cannot be mended.

    You know, a situation like this can reveal a person's true character, and we would do well to sit up and pay close attention to what is being shown to us.
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    "Leave the gun...take the cannoli."

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    catlover's Avatar
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    Sad but true Faith-I'm sorry to say I stooped to his level and (after he told me he was not going to apologize) told him his problem was that he thought his ***** didn't stink. He actually (no lie) told me that I hurt his feelings saying that. Apparently, since I'm 'older' I don't get to have feelings
    ambers garden-planted in memory of my cat Amber 1989-2006

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    Azureth is offline Banned
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    WOW how mean and selfish. That is not at all how you treat a partner you love and care about. At 35 wouldn't he be an xer? Anyway, he's not being fair or understanding at all, which is what a partner is supposed to be. You're not overreacting at all.

    When he said you hurt his feelings you should've said to just get over it and see how he likes it lol. That is truly awful and hateful. You don't deserve that.
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    I'm 21, and my OM is 50. He was completely crushed when his beloved Sylvie, a tortie, also died. Having company was the last thing that was on my mind. I held him while he was sobbing after putting her down, because that's what you do when someone you love is in pain.

    It's certainly not a generational thing. Your YM is being incredibly insensitive. Even if the cat didn't mean much to him, he still should have been compassionate about the pain you were experiencing.

    I'm sorry for your loss.

  10. #10
    catlover's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thatoneperson View Post
    I'm 21, and my OM is 50. He was completely crushed when his beloved Sylvie, a tortie, also died. Having company was the last thing that was on my mind. I held him while he was sobbing after putting her down, because that's what you do when someone you love is in pain.

    It's certainly not a generational thing. Your YM is being incredibly insensitive. Even if the cat didn't mean much to him, he still should have been compassionate about the pain you were experiencing.

    I'm sorry for your loss.
    Thank you. Apparently, I'm just being a crazy *****.
    ambers garden-planted in memory of my cat Amber 1989-2006

  11. #11
    VenusDarkStar Guest
    I'm so very sorry about the loss of your kitty. I come from a family of animal lovers, with the emphasis on CATS, so I totally get you. My dad and stepmom have always had cats, and Dad had his favorites. When "Mr. Titus Darling" passed away, my tough old Marine father called me in tears, announcing the death as if the kitty was a real family member....and he WAS.

    But not all people have such high regard for their furry friends. For me, your man's insensitive behavior would be a deal breaker. It's not about your grieving the loss of your kitty so much....because no matter what your reason, he should have stood by you and respected your wishes. My Joe is younger....32....and I know he would be appalled by all this. This is not a generation issue....it's more an issue of a selfish child who never grew up. Awww...so he wanted to play with his friends! Cry me a river. He should have been at YOUR side...NOT theirs.

    Mom always told me...."Give a man long enough to think about it, and he'll find a way to blame himself." OK, I don't mean that we use this as an attempt to get our men to absorb all responsibility for bad behavior....that would be game playing. But when a man behaves like this, it's best to let him know how hurt you are (which you obviously did) and then let it go. I'm not suggesting giving him the silent treatment or sulking around the house....just don't bring it up anymore. He will most likely come to you and apologize. If he doesn't, get rid of the little turd. I have some extra scented waste receptacles you can borrow. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but this story just makes me mad.

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    thatoneperson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by catlover View Post
    Thank you. Apparently, I'm just being a crazy *****.
    Some people don't value animals. Personally, that would be a deal breaker. I can at least understand him not being as upset as you are because of your pet's death. What I don't understand is how he can see somebody he does care about---you---and hang out with his buddies instead of tend to your needs.

    You're not crazy. You're a normal human being who lost someone she loved and is mourning her loss. What's crazy is having people over when your love is in mourning and then calling her a ***** when she's angry about it.

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    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
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    First, I am sorry for your loss, I lost my cat a couple years ago, and my husband and I were very sad when it happened. We both cried. On the other hand, however, when my father was sick and my YM was in Indiana, he would never ask me about my dad's health. That is why I did not let him know when he died but weeks later, when he finally asked.

    Second, it could have been a cat, a gerbil, or a pet cockroach, it was your pet and you loved it, and that should be enough reason for him to be considerate of your pain.

    Despite the lack of consideration on his part, this should not be reason to break up a relationship. I think that you should definitely wait until you are calm and less in pain, and have a conversation with your bf. Tell him that you feel that he has not been considerate to your feelings, and again, it could have been a cat, or a goldfish, it was dear to you and that is all that should have mattered. It was YOU who was in pain, and YOU who needed comforting, not people to enterntain. Only have this conversation when you feel that you can deliver your points without getting emotional.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  14. #14
    truckman Guest
    I think it's very simple and thus, none of the specifics matter:

    • You needed something, he couldn't/wouldn't provide it.
    • When that upset you, he in turn, blamed you.


    Sorry for your loss.

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    catlover's Avatar
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    I think I got an apology of sorts today. He met me after I got off work with wings for dinner, and said he was going to make valentines day dinner tomorrow and it would be a surprise. Without thinking I asked him why he was being nice-he said he figured he had been kind of a dick to me lately.
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    ambers garden-planted in memory of my cat Amber 1989-2006

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