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Thread: Idea behind stealing a YM "youth".

  1. #1
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Idea behind stealing a YM "youth".

    I've read here a lot that one concern is that by being with an OW she is somehow stealing his "youth", what exactly does that mean?

    Correct me if I'm wrong, but the only thing I can gather from it is the thinking that by being with an OW a YM has to stop all the partying, adventures etc. and take on lots of responsibility that comes with being in a serious committed relationship. However, assuming my thinking is correct, how would that be any different than if he were in a serious committed relationship with a YW? Just like being in a relationship with an OW wouldn't a YM also have to stop playing around and get serious and take on lots of responsibilities as well, especially if he were married?

    I have always found it funny how guys joke about marriage being a "ball and chain". I certainly don't see it as such, when you are in a committed relationship you have to be willing to deal with all the difficulties and hardships that comes with it, but it's well worth it when you are with someone you truly care for and love. I find the notion that YM have to spend their entire younger years involved in all manners of debauchery ridiculous. Granted, that is what most young people do, but it's not all young people, some really are ready and willing to tackle all the obstacles that being in such a relationship entails, and rather it's with a YW or an OW it really doesn't make that big of a difference, you either are or you aren't.

    So, unless I'm looking at this wrong, that is my thoughts on it, I'd love to hear what you think.

  2. #2
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Things that I have caused my husband to lose:
    1. Being physically close to his parents and relatives.
    2. The relationship with is father. The relationship between my husband and his dad is practically dead.
    3. The possibility of being a father by age 30.
    4. His Indiana friends.
    5. Job opportunities in the US.
    6. Paying into US social security.

    All but #2 and #3 are more related to distance than age, but they are true anyways. I do not know if this answers your question.

    The idea that marriage is a ball and chain can be true if you made a wrong decission and you married the wrong person.

  3. #3
    truckman Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Azureth View Post
    when you are in a committed relationship you have to be willing to deal with all the difficulties and hardships that comes with it, but it's well worth it when you are with someone you truly care for and love.
    Actually, if you're in a "good" relationship, difficulties and hardships are few and far between - at least emotional ones.

    Quote Originally Posted by Azureth View Post
    I find the notion that YM have to spend their entire younger years involved in all manners of debauchery ridiculous.
    Well, it's not about debauchery specifically, but a more generalized freedom. When we're young and on our own, we can pretty much do what we want when we want if we have the means without having to answer to anyone but ourselves. In my early to mid 20's I used to race cars, play paintball competitively, rappel, I belonged to a serious-level 4x4 club, I traveled the world for 18 months straight "just to see it", I used to DJ in various nightclubs in NYC/Brooklyn/Queens and so on.

    Today, approaching 45, I have a mortgage that has to be paid, I have a child that needs to be fed and cared for, I have a business that eats up a lot of time and I don't have the freedom to whimsically decide that I'm going to a Brooklyn Rave this weekend because "I feel like it" or scheduling a vacation overseas requires a lot of wiggling of other things to fit it in with everything else.

    It's just an acknowledgement that as we age, life changes too, because as we age we tend to acquire more responsibilities that limit our flexibility to have fun.

    That doesn't mean we can't have fun, absolutely we can, but we generally have to schedule it
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  4. #4
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties View Post
    Things that I have caused my husband to lose:
    1. Being physically close to his parents and relatives.
    2. The relationship with is father. The relationship between my husband and his dad is practically dead.
    3. The possibility of being a father by age 30.
    4. His Indiana friends.
    5. Job opportunities in the US.
    6. Paying into US social security.

    All but #2 and #3 are more related to distance than age, but they are true anyways. I do not know if this answers your question.

    The idea that marriage is a ball and chain can be true if you made a wrong decission and you married the wrong person.
    Yeah but my point is most of those things would still be true even if you were a YW.
    Quote Originally Posted by truckman View Post
    Actually, if you're in a "good" relationship, difficulties and hardships are few and far between - at least emotional ones.
    Yeah, but it still is hard work.


    [/quote]Well, it's not about debauchery specifically, but a more generalized freedom. When we're young and on our own, we can pretty much do what we want when we want if we have the means without having to answer to anyone but ourselves. In my early to mid 20's I used to race cars, play paintball competitively, rappel, I belonged to a serious-level 4x4 club, I traveled the world for 18 months straight "just to see it", I used to DJ in various nightclubs in NYC/Brooklyn/Queens and so on.

    Today, approaching 45, I have a mortgage that has to be paid, I have a child that needs to be fed and cared for, I have a business that eats up a lot of time and I don't have the freedom to whimsically decide that I'm going to a Brooklyn Rave this weekend because "I feel like it" or scheduling a vacation overseas requires a lot of wiggling of other things to fit it in with everything else.

    It's just an acknowledgement that as we age, life changes too, because as we age we tend to acquire more responsibilities that limit our flexibility to have fun.

    That doesn't mean we can't have fun, absolutely we can, but we generally have to schedule it [/QUOTE]
    Yeah, and my point was none of that would be much different if you were with a YW if you at all wanted to have a real relationship or marriage.

    Funny thing is how even when married people can act more like they are single than married. I am friends with this guy that is 29 married to a woman that is 25 and they both like to party 24/7 and as you can imagine it's put a strain on their marriage. Recently the wife has been having slumber parties with her girlfriends so the husband has been wanting to just crash over at my place but she always gets upset over it.

  5. #5
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    A normal, healthy, YW would be able to give him his own child. His father would not be so disconnected from his son if he would have a wife/life he approved of.

  6. #6
    truckman Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Azureth View Post
    Yeah, but it still is hard work.
    Well, then I have to say that relationship wasn't/isn't a good fit. Being a good fit (or not) doesn't have anything to do with love, actually, and that's my point.

    This was a recent discovery for me because like you, I believed that relationships are a lot of work - and my previous relationships fit that mold "flawlessly" so that belief was continually reinforced.

    But, I'm in a relationship now where there isn't any work at all - so having a new experience that differs from my previous relationships, forced me to realize my previous relationships just weren't a good fit. Obviously they weren't, for they ended

    Quote Originally Posted by Azureth View Post
    Yeah, and my point was none of that would be much different if you were with a YW if you at all wanted to have a real relationship or marriage.
    Right - I agree - however, there's a general belief that young people have less responsibility and thus, more on-the-fly fun than older people saddled with much responsibility. And there's some truth to that and why the generalization exists - but it's a just that - a generalization and certainly there are many young people who are ready to, and do take on significant responsibility - just as there are plenty of older people with far less responsibility sailing around the globe having fun.

    But, because the generalization exists, unless someone takes that to be a generalization rather than a "fact", it's a potential uphill battle.

    Quote Originally Posted by Azureth View Post
    Recently the wife has been having slumber parties with her girlfriends so the husband has been wanting to just crash over at my place but she always gets upset over it.
    See, your friend is an idiot because he should put on his pajamas and roll out his sleeping bag with his wife and girlfriends :-D

  7. #7
    pinkunicorn's Avatar
    pinkunicorn is offline Senior Member
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    I totally agree, Azureth!

    It's the same with OM/YW.

    My OM had that concern about me, that he was stealing my "youth."

    Well...hmmm...I got married at age 20 to a man only a year older than I, whom I had met when I was just 17. I had my first child at age 23, my second at age 25.
    I put in a lot of effort to make the marriage work. He eventually began abusing me mentally and emotinally, and I put up with it until age 30, when I left him.

    I think my previous similarly-aged husband "stole" way more from me than my current OM husband can even fathom.
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  8. #8
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    [QUOTE=truckman;644291See, your friend is an idiot because he should put on his pajamas and roll out his sleeping bag with his wife and girlfriends :-D[/QUOTE]
    Yeah, I agree and I just don't get that. When you are in a committed relationship, especially married it's very important to do things together and spend most of your time together.

    But when I hear of my aforementioned married friend always talking about wanting to still party, crash at friends places so he can drink all night it really doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me. And she's just as bad. And as I said it has caused a rift in their marriage. When you get married it's very important you give up your single lifestyle. Sure it's fine to hang out with your single friends now and then but you need to find other married friends and take up the responsibilities as a husband/wife.

    What also annoys me is how he doesn't seem to really love his wife. Granted, I don't know everything about their marriage, but when he's over I always hear him talking about how "hot" other girls are, how he'd love to sleep with this or that girl. To me that's very disrespectful and not the attitude a married man should have, especially one that's almost 30. I've always believed that when you find a woman you truly love and care for, she is the only one you want to be with and you find to be the most beautiful, after all, isn't one of the vows "to forsake all others"?
    Quote Originally Posted by pinkunicorn View Post
    I totally agree, Azureth!

    It's the same with OM/YW.

    My OM had that concern about me, that he was stealing my "youth."

    Well...hmmm...I got married at age 20 to a man only a year older than I, whom I had met when I was just 17. I had my first child at age 23, my second at age 25.
    I put in a lot of effort to make the marriage work. He eventually began abusing me mentally and emotinally, and I put up with it until age 30, when I left him.

    I think my previous similarly-aged husband "stole" way more from me than my current OM husband can even fathom.
    Yeah that is a good point. But it seems like this is more of a concern with OW/YM. I rarely hear OM complaining about "stealing his YWs youth".

    And that is so true, I have found it interesting how OW are concerned about it, but how many YM have wasted years dating YW? But regardless if you date an OW or a YW you are using up time/money trying to find a partner, which isn't necessarily bad but again, you take a chance either way, so unless you find a YW that is a-okay with you living like a free bird you are still taking a chance. But then again in such a situation that to me isn't a real relationship. Such as my aforementioned friends marriage.

    EDIT: Another thing I thought of. Why is it always a concern about wasting the YMs time? If anything, shouldn't you worry more about the older partner? One advantage to being young is that you do have plenty of time to do what you want and go through several relationships, whereas the older partner doesn't. When I hear of a OW/YM couple that break up for whatever reason and have been together for a significant amount of time, I never feel bad for the YM, but I do feel bad for the OW how she had to waste some good years on something that ultimately never went anywhere.
    Last edited by Azureth; 03-12-2012 at 03:49 PM.

  9. #9
    gorillagirl Guest
    Youth is wasted on the young.

  10. #10
    CrazyLove's Avatar
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    When I first started dating my husband, he was 21 years old. (Just typing that is incredible!) He was obviously not your average 21 year old boy :P

    My two daughters were 11 and 12 years old, so he was thrust into parenthood fairly early. Two teenage girls with all their changing hormonal personalities. Not a fun time to jump aboard the parent train! One accepted him fairly easily, while the other struggled up until we were married 5 years ago. My daughters are now the age he was when we started dating! eeeeek!

    I had a mortgage and job responsibilities that precluded us from having the "fun" he might have otherwise had with his friends. He was actually okay with that. He had a few wild years in college behind him, and was for the most part done with partying. We had mutual friends that we do alot with, and still have those same friends today.

    I always encouraged him to enjoy his time with friends, have guy time. I still do. He likes my company, so Im usually with him.

    Although I cant have children any longer (we tried and tried), We have agreed to adopt, so we are still working towards that. Its kinda on the back burner until the house we just bought is completely remodeled. Hes going to be a great Daddy...I cant wait

    And, for the first time in our relationship, he is financially supporting us I wasnt sure that day would ever happen! Im so glad to see it, it has been very good for his psyche, though a bit stressful. He hasnt ever complained about me being the major bread winner, but I can imagine how he felt (feeling it now!) everytime he wanted to spend a few extra bucks on something.

    I have to agree with Truckman...this relationship isnt work at all compared to my last marriage that I squeezed out 20 plus years because I was too **** stubborn, I thought if I worked hard enough it would work! Being with Chris is very give and take. He truly brings out the best in me, and I think I bring out the best in him as well.

  11. #11
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Quote Originally Posted by Azureth View Post
    EDIT: Another thing I thought of. Why is it always a concern about wasting the YMs time? If anything, shouldn't you worry more about the older partner? One advantage to being young is that you do have plenty of time to do what you want and go through several relationships, whereas the older partner doesn't. When I hear of a OW/YM couple that break up for whatever reason and have been together for a significant amount of time, I never feel bad for the YM, but I do feel bad for the OW how she had to waste some good years on something that ultimately never went anywhere.
    This is an interesting point.
    I think that there are windows of opportunity for certain things in life. For example, to be a parent, the optimum window is around 18-very early 40s, but for men it can extend 10 or 15 more years. In my case, my window to be a biological mom was only until my mid 30s. I do not know what is the window is for a woman to get a man, but some ladies are still lucky in their 70s.

    Wasting time in a relationship is a relative concept. Even if a relationship ends, was it wasted time? Did it produce good times, good memories... or at least good sex?

  12. #12
    gorillagirl Guest
    Good sex is never worth the heartbreak of a failed relationship.

  13. #13
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Quote Originally Posted by gorillagirl View Post
    Good sex is never worth the heartbreak of a failed relationship.
    Most relationships, like marriages, are something that you get into with hopes that it will suceed. But many times they do not. That does not mean that there cannot be good memories (including awesome sex), interesting experiences, lessons learned, surviving friendship, beloved children, projects achieved, resulting from the relationship, that have a positive balance in one's life, even if the relationship/marriage did not work.

    Every man in my life had a net positive contribution to my life, even if they were jerks, because my way of living is "keep the good, drop the bad, keep moving forward, hope never dies, and tomorrow will bring something wonderful to be discovered".
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  14. #14
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties View Post
    Most relationships, like marriages, are something that you get into with hopes that it will suceed. But many times they do not. That does not mean that there cannot be good memories (including awesome sex), interesting experiences, lessons learned, surviving friendship, beloved children, projects achieved, resulting from the relationship, that have a positive balance in one's life, even if the relationship/marriage did not work.

    Every man in my life had a net positive contribution to my life, even if they were jerks, because my way of living is "keep the good, drop the bad, keep moving forward, hope never dies, and tomorrow will bring something wonderful to be discovered".
    Yeah, that is very true. Even if a relationship doesn't last to old age it isn't necessarily bad, and you learn from it. But when it's a OW/YM relationship I do feel bad for the OW since, chances are she's wasted valuable time just because the YM changes his mind about being with an OW or gives the "I want kids" stuff that she wouldn't get with a same-age guy. Even the YM will (hopefully) learn from it just as he would being in a relationship with a YW that also didn't lead to marriage and happily ever after.

    A relationship is a relationship with the chance to succeed or fail and for the YM it won't be anymore time "wasted" rather he was with a younger or older woman, but again, it is very important to take into account how old the OW is and if he truly wants one. Now, that is not to say that if they had been together for awhile and they broke up for normal reasons ie just don't really see eye to eye or find they aren't as compatible as they thought that the YM was being selfish, but if, on the outset of such a relationship he doesn't at least take a few things into account and keeps changing his mind then he is being selfish and not thinking of her specific needs being an OW.

    I REALLY felt bad for you SKL when your husband dropped the bombshell of wanting a kid but I am happy that you worked through it, not many OW would (not that it's her fault).

  15. #15
    truckman Guest
    Well said.

    Every experience we have in life, whether it be in the context of a relationship or not, molds and builds us into who we are today, for the better if we use the negative experiences as a life lesson.

    Unfortunately not everyone gets this concept and have doomed themselves to a life of repetitive misery.


    "Doctor, it hurts when I do this..."
    "Well, don't do that then!"

    ;-)

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