Thread: Write a letter

Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties

If you could write a letter to a person, any person, from your present or your past, and be sure that the person would receive that letter and take into account what you write, who would you write this letter to? What would you tell him/her?

I'd write four of them -- one to each of my grandparents.

Three of them would basically ask for background information. My maternal grandfather (who was in an AGR with my grandma) died several decades ago. My father's parents died when I was an infant.

As for my maternal grandma, she survived until I was a teenager. It was hard to watch her succumb to her illnesses, so I'd mostly apologize for being awkward and let her know that I truly loved her (and still do). I'd also thank her for keeping a dark family secret away from the light.

I would write a letter to my friend who died December 27, 2005. I would tell him how much I love him, how much I miss him, and what his presence meant to me. However, it might be unnecessary. I think that by virtue of being "on the other side of the veil," he knows. I just wish he'd known it while he was alive.

MM

1) To my best friend and first love. I would want to write a letter to his 19-year-old self, about 6 years ago. Before we pursued a romantic relationship, before we slept together. I would ask him to think about it, just a little longer. Think about what he really wants, and think about the consequences. I would want him to think about the future, and the what-ifs. I know we were both heartbroken at the time, and it seemed so perfect to find comfort in each other. We had loved each other for 5 years…it made sense to finally explore that love. But what about the future? I would ask him to imagine the future – imagine us 6 years later. If he were being honest with himself, I mean really, brutally honest…I know he would realize we would not be together in 6 years. And with that in mind, where would he see our friendship? The days we spent together 6 years ago were wonderful, and the night we spent together was one of the best nights of my life. It may sound silly now considering we had terrible sex, but I was just so happy that night. I let myself love someone, and it was a wonderful feeling. I have always been a “sneak out while they’re sleeping” kind of girl, never serious or trustworthy. But I let him hold me the entire night, and I loved every second of it. I slept late that morning.

For those reasons, I could never actually regret our time together. But I do regret the way things ended – I regret my feelings of resentment towards him, because he wasn’t sure enough of his feelings. I resented him for not knowing himself well enough, and that made it difficult for our friendship to bounce back. Eventually, it did. And I think we are both aware, 11 years after we first became friends, that we will always be friends. And we will always love each other, in a very platonic-yet-complicated way. But now, with both of us in serious relationships….it puts our friendship in a weird place. We used to talk every day. After our break up, we talked a few times a week. Now we talk sporadically – maybe every day for two weeks, then not at all for a month. His girlfriend doesn’t like him talking to me, because she thinks he’s still in love with me. And she’s right. And I…I don’t know who I’m talking to. Am I talking to a friend? Or am I talking to an ex? I described him to my boyfriend as “just a friend. Who I slept with once 6 years ago.” If I could write a letter to my best friend’s 19-year-old self, I would ask him to think about the future, and to be sure of his feelings. I would ask him how he feels about the possibility of becoming a friend I slept with once 6 years ago.

2) To my friend Ian. This is a weird one to explain. About 10 years ago, I started writing on an online journal site. I used it as a way to vent/write. I made up a name for myself, made up names for the people in my life. I made up things about my family, my friends. Sometimes what I would write was true, sometimes it wasn’t. It was like killing two birds with one stone – I was able to vent about my actual life, while exercising my newly discovered writing skills. As time went on, and my teenage years happened, the journal became 100% based in fact. Aside from the fact that I was going by a fake name, and I was claiming to be 3 years older than I was. Anyway, by this time, I was rather popular on that site. I had a lot of fans, more than I could ever keep up with or get to know personally. Ian was in the small group of people that I actually took a liking to. We talked constantly. One night, he begged me to let him know who my latest infatuation was – I had been writing about him like mad, but not giving any details of who he actually was (..because he was my English teacher. Sigh. Story for another day!). I fessed up, and we talked about it. He was so understanding. He told me life is strange like that sometimes. He said, “Love has a way of doing that to us all. I’m in love with a girl 900 miles away who loves her English teacher. So see how that is?” And that was the night we finally discussed Ian thinking he was in love with me.

And this is where the need for a letter begins. There’s no way for me to say this without sounding conceited, but I’m just being honest. At that time in my life (I don’t know, at the ripe old age of 15, 16?) I was so used to men – online and in person - claiming to be in love with me, that I didn’t let it mean anything. But he was my friend, and I should have treated him better. I told him I loved him, too. Which wasn’t a complete lie – I did have quite the LDR crush on him, I really did. We had a long talk about how wonderful we both are, and how maybe this is the answer. Can you imagine how simple? This, is the answer. The solution to the hopeless romantic that burned in each of us. I think we felt rather proud of ourselves – it was almost logical. You’re awesome, I’m awesome, we both want someone to love…how about each other? So we professed our love, and all was well. He wrote the most beautiful entry about his feelings for me. I can’t even imagine my thought process at the time…I wish I could remember…but a few days later, I wrote this absolutely horrid post about how absurd men are for thinking they’re in love with me. I ranted and raved about how I am not a solution to anyone’s problems, I am not an answer, not salvation. And anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot.

To this day, I cannot believe I wrote that. What was wrong with me? How could I have been so insensitive? It was so long ago, but now that I’m able to see how much of a jerk I was, I still want to apologize for it, every time I think of it. Sometime after all that…probably within a year, I decided I was tired of being called something that wasn’t my name. I was tired of looking at fictional entries from when I was 12. So I did a little Public Service Announcement, announcing that anyone who read from date A to date B – it was all fake. I told everyone my real name/age. I said, “It was all fake. But now it’s not. Carry on.” Once again, I can’t fathom how I was so insensitive. I didn’t even think, “Hey, would this hurt the feelings of the boy who thinks he’s in love with me?” After that….we continued to talk for years. But it was never the same. He never trusted me again, never talked about loving me. Things between us were never the same, and it still makes me sad. I acknowledged it now and then – wrote a few things about it, even. But I didn’t understand the extent of how awful I was, and how hurt he was, until the last few years.

If I could write a letter to Ian, I would apologize for everything. I would apologize for never really seeing him. I would apologize for treating him like everyone else, because he wasn’t like everyone else. I would tell him that even now, when I think of him, I have so much affection for him. I still see him as one of my favorite people to talk to. I want to tell him, “I know now, what I should have know then, and I’m sorry. “ Now to really be honest: I could write a letter to Ian. I could write it any time I wanted. We still keep in touch. Not anywhere like we used to, but we’re still Facebook friends. We catch up every now and then. I think about writing a letter like that to him sometimes…but I don’t. And I don’t, because I’m scared of finding out that I was meaningless. I’m scared of writing something so honest, and finding out he never thinks about it anymore. That he realized he never loved me years ago, and I’m nothing more than a distant memory - 900 miles away, to be exact. I’m afraid of looking silly – I’m afraid of him knowing that I’ve held on to these feelings and regrets for so long, and he never even thinks about the things he said in 2004.

3) Finally, something that isn’t related to my love life! I would write a letter to my great aunt, and I would apologize for not spending enough time with her. My grandmother and great aunt were like second and third mothers to me. They brought me to school every day, and they picked me up. My parents both worked full-time, so I spent every vacation and summer at their house. When I was 11, my grandmother developed dementia. She and my aunt lived together, so my aunt became a 24-hour caregiver. It may sound callous (sorry Grams, if you’re reading this), but I always thought I would have time with my aunt, after my grandmother passed away. My grandmother was significantly older than her, so it was just natural to assume. I think we all assumed that. I looked at my grandmother’s passing as a positive – I don’t know what happens after we die, but surely it had to be better than what she was living with. And for my aunt? That woman was a saint. She never married or had children of her own, but she took care of everyone. She took care of her father when he was sick. She helped raise my mother and her sister. She helped raise me, and my cousins. And she took care of my grandmother for so long.

My grandmother died when I was 19…her funeral was on my 20th birthday. It was sad, but I knew it was better for everyone. I imagined all the things my aunt would do with her life, now that she wasn’t a caregiver. She was only in her early 70s – very active, in great shape. She didn’t even live a whole year after my grandmother died. Within a few months of my grandmother’s death, she found out she had ovarian cancer, very advanced. She died 11 months after my grandmother, most of which was spent bedridden. She never got a chance to be free, to live her own life. And I didn’t spend the time with her that I should have. If I could write a letter to her, I would apologize for being a teenager. I should have spent more time with her when I was home from college. I want her to know that my absence was not a reflection of my love and gratitude. I also want to ask her – what did she want from her life? Her life was dedicated to others…was that enough? Would she do anything differently? She never talked about herself…I would ask her the things she never told us.

I would write a letter to my grandparents, thanking them for raising me, specially to my grandfather, who knew I loved him, but not how much.

I would write a letter to my mother at 23, giving her advise about how to handle certain situations with my father, that eventually caused their divorce.

I would write a few letters.

One to my grandfather who passed away a few years ago asking what my real surname is ( as he changed his surname during war time) so i could research my ancestry.

My second letter would go to a bf who I was with for 16 years who died a few years ago from alchoholism. To tell him, I forgive him, that he's still today in my thoughts, that everything will be ok and not to worry and I still love him.

And lastly one to myself which would chronical my life events so i could see in black and white why i am the way i am.

I'm thinking of different people who have passed suddenly....one in particular. I liked him very much and I think he liked me too, but he was shot and killed before I ever got the chance to tell him. That was long ago, and since then, it's caused me to be overly anxious to express my feelings with other men and people in general, because you just never know when someone will be taken from you. I think it would make him sad to know that we both missed out on each other, so I'll leave him alone...or maybe not. I don't HAVE to talk about unrequited love, do I? So here it is.....

Dear Russell,

How's it going down there? Hot enough for ya? I'm kidding....I know you must be in heaven because you're way too much trouble for the Devil. I know it's been a long time, but I've been kinda busy. You know how life is, even if you didn't get to stick around as long as some of us. Oh! I wanted to tell you something. Remember that day you offered to help me carry in that big bag of dog food? I told you I could handle it....and you seemed like you didn't wanna leave, but I felt bad because my apartment was a mess, and you'd never been inside before. I immediately started cleaning and I planned on sort of inventing something I needed help with to make up for the first time. But that very night, your sister called me with the news that you weren't coming home anymore.

Anyway....I just wanted to say thank you. You taught me that we should never hold back our true feelings, especially when they are GOOD feelings. If you see my mom, please say hello.

I'll be seeing you....

Love,

Valerie xoxoxo

P.S. SLK...I'm gonna borrow this for a couple of dating site forums that need some fresh topics. Thanks!