Thread: I am very upset with my husband's big mouth.

Your husband's letting that slip kept his friend from being thrown a party that he very likely wouldn't
enjoy. The friend's temparament might be much like mine. I'm not a fan of surprises, and honestly I'd
much rather know about a party that was being thrown for me. There is no harm done here.

Relax.

Deep breath.

Relax.

Love and cherish your husband.

Relax.

Originally Posted by LADave

Your husband's letting that slip kept his friend from being thrown a party that he very likely wouldn't
enjoy. The friend's temparament might be much like mine. I'm not a fan of surprises, and honestly I'd
much rather know about a party that was being thrown for me. There is no harm done here.

Relax.

Deep breath.

Relax.

Love and cherish your husband.

Relax.

I understand what you're saying, but that isn't really the issue. The issue is she told him not to and he did. He should at least apologize and try to do better next time.

I'd be upset, too. If he does things like this once in a while, I'd be moderately upset. If he does this often, I'd be very upset.
Why would your husband do such a thing, and what did he say when you talked with him about this?

MM

I can understand why you would be upset, but I agree with Dave when he says there's a good side to this. The guy doesn't seem to care for
big surprise parties, and since it's his birthday, he should be able to celebrate it the way that makes him happy.

I guess I'm also thinking that taking it to this forum makes it a bigger deal than what it really is. Seems like you're already fired up enough as it is.....why add more fuel? Isn't this something you can discuss with him?

Hopefully it won't ruin the party or anything, but to be honest, I think your husband made a simple mistake anyone could have made.

Some people just can't keep secrets, it's against their nature. Or maybe he did not get the "secret" part when you told him about the party. You know people disconnect their attention when they hear something they do not care about.

He is human, and a side effect of human-ness is that we all make mistakes. I wouldn't crucify your husband over something like this.

I also agree with Dave. If his friend doesn't like big parties, he's probably glad that your husband let it slip. My OM is like that. He very much dislikes being the center of attention, and he's also not big on surprises. If I were to throw him a big party, I know he'd be gracious about it and would have a good time with all our friends, but afterward he would let me know it made him uncomfortable. Heck, he doesn't even like it when we're at Texas Road House and the waitstaff come out to sing happy birthday. We went there last year for his birthday--just me, him, and the kids--exactly how he wanted it to be. But Allan was so excited to tell the waitstaff that it was his step-dad's birthday, so my OM relented and let my son ask them to sing to him.

But I like parties and celebrations. So it's hard for me to reign it in for my OM's birthday. But when it comes to my birthday, the bigger the better! And that's hard for my OM, because he has to figure out what "special thing" to do. But I let him know that while I like a celebration, it doesn't have to be anything monumental, with everyone I've ever met in my life in attendance, and pony rides, and fireworks going off, and Chippendale dancers jumping out of cakes...LOL A simple get-together with a bunch of our friends at the Ale House or whatever is just fine for me. As long as my birthday is recognized. LOL

LMT, ask yourself if it will matter in 5 years. It won't. So many of the things people get worked up about just don't matter in the big scheme of things. If your husband got killed in a car accident today, would you care that he ruined a surprise birthday party? Try to put it in perspective.

When I was much younger, everything struck me as a huge deal and I would fight to the death to show I was right. Now not so much..... I have learned to pick my battles, some are worth the effort and most are not. If the argument is just about you being right and him wrong, that is petty. If it is because he spilled a secret....maybe he knew his friend wouldn't like the party idea at all and let this slip accidently onI purpose, or perhaps he wasn't really thinking and it slipped. I am with everyone, this is not such a huge deal.

Things are only a huge deal that truly truly affect your life.....this doesn't afftect your lives at all. It's a party....that's all just a party.

I dunno, I guess I see it differently.

My perspective is admittedly influenced by 13+ years of marriage to my first ex husband, who is compelled to (try) to one-up everything. He ate the most, drank the most, spent the most, had the biggest, the newest, the best, and had to top everyone's story. He's also as passive-aggressive as a person can be. He is notorious for spoiling things "accidentally on purpose."

I think it depends on the occasion and the formality of the event. We don't know if this was "an occasion" like the friend's 50th or 60th birthday, or whether the woman went whole-hog and rented a venue, ordered flowers and put down a catering deposit. Some people party that way. If I'd put a lot of time and effort into organizing something like that as a surprise birthday party for my SO and one of his longtime friends let it slip, I'd be more than a little upset. (However, that's not the way we roll.) If we were planning something more like Christmas Dinner or a backyard barbeque, I'd see it much differently.

Depending on who "spilled the beans," I'd also know whether or not that person was trying to cause problems between my SO and me.

If it was an accident, LMT's husband should say "it was an accident" and apologize to the hostess. It may not be a surprise party any longer, but I'm sure the hostess can still enjoy organizing and putting on an amazing party, and the guest of honor and everyone else can still all have a great time.

If, as some have suggested, LMT's husband is aware that his friend does not like surprises, he should have discreetly told the girlfriend directly or had LMT relay the message. He should not have deliberately spoiled the surprise *if* that is in fact what happened. At the very least, it would be rude to the hostess, who is his friend's girlfriend. By being rude to the girlfriend, he is by extension being rude to his friend.

If something like this is an ongoing thing with LMT's husband and this time he's made waves with the hostess, I totally understand why LMT would be upset about it. This may not be a situation covered by "Oh my, what an amusing faux pas." If that's the case, I'd expect him to have a plan for how he's going to make sure this is not going to happen again before he says "sorry."

If it was a genuine mistake and something he rarely does, encourage him to make whatever amends with the hostess as befit the situation and then "let it roll off, like water down a duck's back."

MM

everything you post about your husband makes him sound like a complete ****.

Originally Posted by gorillagirl

everything you post about your husband makes him sound like a complete ****.

That was my first thought, also. Then I started to wonder if maybe he's suffering from dementia.

Originally Posted by theREALTrish

That was my first thought, also. Then I started to wonder if maybe he's suffering from dementia.

I thought that too....there never seems to be good things posted about him.

What happens is that we post here when we are upset, concerned or angry, not when things are normal. That is why I sometimes think twice before posting about a disagreement between Nick and I. I do not want to post in anger.

It's like the Miranda warning... "you have the right to remain silent, whatever you post here may bite your butt later on".