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Thread: Update: How to get over the young man

  1. #1
    warmlight is offline Neophyte
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    Update: How to get over the young man

    Hello Ageless community,

    It's been about four months since I posted about how to let go, when I was suffering from extreme jealousy due to the young man and woman in the same office. It turned out that they were not more than colleagues and now she went away for training for months.

    I really appreciate the support and words of wisdom I got from this community. I could feel that they were coming from your hearts and experience. I got advice to look for a possible date outside workplace. Encouraged by my dear friend's comments in particular, I tried to look for someone new, and was able to meet a man. An expat acquaintance who knows many expat engineers fixed me up with his new colleague. I was happy to meet him, as he is from England where I left part of my heart, and younger than me by four years. (Yes, I learned how to appreciate younger men!)

    The new guy seemed decent and honest, and distracted me happily from the young man. I enjoyed getting ready for dates. Although he was not a smooth dater, I was patient and willing to see the best in him. I appreciated the opportunity and wanted to make it work, probably too much. He became quiet from the second date, and I felt like I am driving the date, not him.

    The fourth date last week frustrated us and we are not in contact. I am afraid I gave him the signal of vulnerability and loneliness. That day I got anxious and moody and we ended up getting physical only to find out I was not ready. I didn't mean to be intimate with a man so soon but I lost control over myself. I was hungry for a man's touch as I was deprived for too long. Most of all, getting physical seemed to be the only language I can turn him into being fluent at. We ended up feeling uncomfortable.

    I was beating myself up until now for my reckless decision. But I assume he may not be right for me. It was not easy dating him. So I am trying not to be too hard on myself.

    I don't want to fall back to the horrible state of adoring the younger man (by 16 years) any more. So here's my question for help.

    I am considering to join an online dating service. In fact, I am not keen on online dating or long-distance relationship as I experienced how hard it is to maintain. But I want to try again, as it is really difficult to meet men around my age in my culture. Most of them are married so the pool in domestic dating websites is very small. Furthermore, the websites are generally considered unreliable, so not thriving very much in my country. In fact I have a preference for English native speakers, as I love the language and have lived by teaching it. I can retire early in three years, so I will not have to be bound geographically by then. Although relocation is a challenge, I assume it would not be impossible for me for a right person.

    I am considering Telegraph Dating and E-harmony. Any other suggestions for international dating? I tried UK match before but they request a UK domestic address to be a member.

    Thanks for reading and I look forward to your responses.
    Last edited by warmlight; 10-13-2014 at 06:06 AM.

  2. #2
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    The sister of a friend of mine got great results with E-harmony.

    I would try and use the more expensive services, because you get many scammers in the free or cheap ones.

    But don't limit yourself to dating services, become active in different forums about topics that interest you, politics, the environment, education, etc. Even if you use a dating service, you will get better results getting involved in conversations in the site forums, as you get to know people better, before even considering a date.

    How about if you get involved locally in expat clubs. In Panama we have groups like the American Society, Canadian Society and Who's New that attract newcomers to the country, some of whom are single. Those groups welcome locals too and it creates a diverse membership. I do not know if such groups exist in your country, but here they organize trips to interesting local attractions and sites, parties, and conferences. Now, beware as the men in those groups are usually older.
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    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  3. #3
    Sweetie28's Avatar
    Sweetie28 is offline Mark's girl
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    You can try the more expensive dating sites but there are scammers there to. I wouldn't put off the free ones. You can set an age limit on who can contact you. I would advise letting yourself heal for a little before thinking about looking into another relationship. That way you are confident and strong and you can find a nice man who is good to you. If you connect with a YM then great but just be open. I met my hubby on a free dating site so I don't like to say disregard those. You might try looking for someone just to be friends with right now.



  4. #4
    gorillagirl Guest
    I think you should join social activities or classes where you can meet men in a no-pressure environment such as cooking classes or hiking trips. What about widowers? If you do choose online dating, post your own and DO NOT respond to men's ads. Let them find yours and contact you. Be **very clear** what kind of person you are looking for and definitely put "NO CASUAL SEX" in your ad. Only respond to men within your nearby geographic area and have them write their response in English.

  5. #5
    jessieh's Avatar
    jessieh is offline Neophyte
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    I think online dating is becoming quite the norm these days. I've been on a few dates through OK Cupid, but met my current man through a friend. I think it's worth a go!

    Jessica

    xx
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  6. #6
    warmlight is offline Neophyte
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    Quote Originally Posted by gorillagirl View Post
    I think you should join social activities or classes where you can meet men in a no-pressure environment such as cooking classes or hiking trips. What about widowers? If you do choose online dating, post your own and DO NOT respond to men's ads. Let them find yours and contact you. Be **very clear** what kind of person you are looking for and definitely put "NO CASUAL SEX" in your ad. Only respond to men within your nearby geographic area and have them write their response in English.
    Thanks, I do see the point of having men contact first, as no one I had contacted first responded positively in my past experience.

    I'd love to meet men in a no-pressure environment, but it seems that there are few single men available - either divorced or widowed - in my culture. It is big part of reason why I am trying to meet expat native speakers. I tried to locate a man in my area using 'search' but I often get 'no matches' in international dating services.
    Last edited by warmlight; 10-17-2014 at 01:39 AM.

  7. #7
    warmlight is offline Neophyte
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sweetie28 View Post
    You can try the more expensive dating sites but there are scammers there to. I wouldn't put off the free ones. You can set an age limit on who can contact you. I would advise letting yourself heal for a little before thinking about looking into another relationship. That way you are confident and strong and you can find a nice man who is good to you. If you connect with a YM then great but just be open. I met my hubby on a free dating site so I don't like to say disregard those. You might try looking for someone just to be friends with right now.
    Your advise to let myself heal first seems relevant, as I feel very tired now, psychologically, I would say. I've been beating myself up, for blowing over the awaited 4th date with the guy. I had really bad premonition the day before meeting him. I felt upset, when he didn't try to check in with me by call or text about the coming date next day, which we arranged more than a week ago. I met him in a negative, suspicious and critical mode, eventually losing control over myself and messing up.

    I seem to need more time to be able to meet someone. I thought two years and a half would be enough break after my divorce but I think I was under pressure to get over the young man most of all. To forget about him, I had to fall in love with this new guy. The new guy had to be right for me, as I had suffered alone for long. I was disheartened very much.

    Thanks for your words out of your experience.
    Last edited by warmlight; 10-17-2014 at 01:43 AM.

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