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Thread: Cougars are a joke..

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    whoahnellie is offline Member
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    Cougars are a joke..

    Maybe I'm jaded from the two younger guys I dated and others who hit on me.. but I'm thinking the majority of younger men do not take older women seriously and appears to be just about the sex.. which is fine.. I wish I had understood that is all.

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    NY10's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whoahnellie View Post
    Maybe I'm jaded from the two younger guys I dated and others who hit on me.. but I'm thinking the majority of younger men do not take older women seriously and appears to be just about the sex.. which is fine.. I wish I had understood that is all.
    I know that you're clearly upset and hurt over your last relationship ending but I do not think all YM fall into such a category. The terms cougar in my opinion does not represent any female OW on this board as most are in serious long term relationships or have openly discussed their preference on preferring YM and what they want clearly out of their relationship with them.

    I don't think that just wanting sex from OW in a YM thing I think it's a man thing in general. I know lots of older men who date women the same age who want nothing but sex and lots of young men and women who have causal relationships too, it's not about the age it's about the communication before anything serious starts and making sure both parties are on the same page.

    Like I said, I know your feelings are still hurt and you are extra sensitive now but you did know the deal from your YM before anything when he made it clear that he didn't want a future with you, I don't think it's fair to label people because you had a bad experience.
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  3. #3
    gorillagirl Guest
    woahnellie- okay, go find a man your own age or older. problem solved.
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    fiorinda's Avatar
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    Being taken seriously and not being 'all about the sex' are not the same things. When I was casual-dating younger men (before I met Lee) I made sure I was taken seriously, even though I was quite clear that sex was the main thing on the agenda.

    I think maybe GG is right, if this is how you feel then perhaps you should try dating men your own age for a while - you might find there isn't much difference, unless they clearly state from the beginning that they aren't interested in casual dating. Or try not dating at all maybe, until you've healed. NY10 is right, not all younger men are only interested in sex, just as not all older men are looking for a committed relationship. You've been stung and so your view is coloured by that. Take some time to get over your last young man and go and do stuff with your friends for a time.
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  5. #5
    gorillagirl Guest
    seriously, woahnellie, come back after a few months of dating men around your same age and tell us what you found out. there is a big difference between "cougars" and the women on this site who just randomly happened to fall into relationships with YM without actively seeking them out. but still, your post seems quite angry at women who have been successfully in relationships with YM.
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    fiorinda's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gorillagirl View Post
    there is a big difference between "cougars" and the women on this site who just randomly happened to fall into relationships with YM without actively seeking them out.
    Or even between the media image of the 'cougar' and those of us who did actively seek younger men. A 'cougar' is by definition predatory. All my relationships and interactions with younger men have been very much on an equal footing. One of the first things I would say is "I don't do that 'older woman thing'. I'm just me". All of the younger men I've been involved with have seemed to relate to me as an equal. That might be a disappointment for some young men who are only in it for the illicit thrill of being with an 'older woman', but that's tough. I'm just a woman. I don't enjoy power-games in relationships, from either side of the coin.

    You've just been unlucky. This time. Give yourself some time to move on. Then, when you're ready, if your tastes run mostly to younger men, go back to looking for one, but make sure you are both VERY honest about what you want from the relationship. And don't date younger men to the exclusion of peer-age men or older ones. If we want anyone to accept that we're just ourselves, and our age is irrelevant, we have to be prepared to extend that philosophy to others. The man you're looking for might be in a totally different age group.
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    NY10's Avatar
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    I think it's best to just remember that the OP is jaded due to her last relationship not ending the way she thought it would. Of course we have all been through breakups in time and we remember that when they end for any reason we are left sad and angry and we sometimes blame the world and don't understand fully what we are saying or how we come off.

    I'm not an OW but the term cougar to me is just disturbing and I know that this board does not have cougars on it. The women here have met men who have come into their lives and have turned it upside down who just happen to be younger. Cougar to me is an OW who sets out looking for YM to just hook up with and use for a good time, I can safely say in my time here I have not read one story of a OW who has done such a thing, half the time the OW is so torn because this was so out of left field they have the same concerns and fears as the OP had a one time, but also keep in mind her YM told her from the get go that he was NOT interested in a future with her and that it probably wouldn't last. It didn't and she's hurt.
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  8. #8
    fiorinda's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NY10 View Post
    Cougar to me is an OW who sets out looking for YM to just hook up with and use for a good time, I can safely say in my time here I have not read one story of a OW who has done such a thing
    Yes you have!! Though I would take issue with 'use' and I also would never have been happy to be seriously referred to as a 'cougar', though that word was bandied around affectionately by my friends on occasion - jokingly I think (hope!). I fell non-deliberately into a relationship with a VYM I met at work (instant jaw-dropping connection on our first meeting) which went along similar lines to many - him going 'I'm only in this for fun, I don't want a serious relationship with you, I want to settle down and get married and have kids eventually' and me going 'Ok, this is fun and has shaken my life up, let's just go with it!'. We connected as equals, there was no using on either side. I fell in too deep though, predictably (first relationship after the end of my looooong tedious marriage!), it ended, of course, and I was heartbroken, of course. Then, because I could, and because generally I find young men more attractive than men my own age, I met a series of younger men, some in person, some only online. Some I connected with, some I didn't. I also dated a couple of men close to my own age (and by dated I mean briefly). I don't consider there to have been any 'using' at any point. I wouldn't be attracted to a man of any age who was emotionally or mentally vulnerable to the point where me being older caused an imbalance of power in the relationship. And I think that is the crux of the difference between the women here on this forum and the media perception of the 'cougar' (or the 'sugar-daddy' stereotype and the older men on here). No matter the kind of relationship(s), we're trying at least to be equals in them. Not to be the ones 'in charge'. I can't imagine how exhausting it would be to always be the one 'in charge' in a relationship.... oh wait, yes I can, because that's the way things were with my peer-aged ex-husband, and not from any choice of mine!! In my experience a younger partner is every bit as capable of taking charge when needed and looking after the other as the older partner. That's the way we do it in our relationship anyway.

    I have friends who are dating (online or otherwise) and they try to limit their choices to only men who are taller than them, or only men who earn as much or more than them, or only men older than them, or they prefer dark haired men or men with beards or whatever. I happen to prefer younger men (and tall, skinny ones). I don't see much difference. And if anyone really wants to call me a cougar (albeit a rather dull, almost married one) then I don't really care much!
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  9. #9
    brinparker's Avatar
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    Of the relationships I have been in the one I am in with my YM has been the one where I have felt most an equal partner. I have been respected, cherished, and loved on a level I never had before, even with my first marriage. I used to date mostly older men and there isn't enough time to tell you how many of them were only interested. It had NOTHING to do with their age but with who they were. In fact I now find anyone who questions our age difference and makes assumptions to be completely ignorant and intolerable because our age difference isn't who we are or what defines how we treat each other.

  10. #10
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Quote Originally Posted by whoahnellie View Post
    Maybe I'm jaded from the two younger guys I dated and others who hit on me.. but I'm thinking the majority of younger men do not take older women seriously and appears to be just about the sex.. which is fine.. I wish I had understood that is all.
    I am glad that you understand it now.
    As GG said, now try with OM.
    You will realize that is "just about the sex" also.

    Which is fine.

    The important part is that you understand.

    I met my husband while I was cybering, with various men of all ages, in a sex chat room. He was also cybering with various women. In that particular chat room, the average life of a "relationship" was 2 weeks. We have been together for more than 10 years... but it has not been easy.
    Last edited by SheLikesKitties; 10-18-2014 at 01:46 PM.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  11. #11
    lovely28 is offline Neophyte
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    I agree with the other ladies. I am 28 and the last guy I dated was 42 He only wanted sex and after a few dates I realized it was not gonna work but my husband now is totally different and he is younger. Its all about your own personal preferences. And being a person who has been hurt before, I can honestly say letting the wound heal before going back out would give you a different perspective. Being hurt sometimes causes us to judge everyone according to our past transgressors. You must remember just as not all women are the same no matter the age, not all men are the same no Matter the age. Wish you happy days. :-)
    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties;6673w96
    I am glad that you understand it now.
    As GG said, now try with OM.
    You will realize that is "just about the sex" also.

    Which is fine.

    The important part is that you understand.

    I met my husband while I was cybering, with various men of all ages, in a sex chat room. He was also cybering with various women. In that particular chat room, the average life of a "relationship" was 2 weeks. We have been together for more than 10 years... but it has not been easy.
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    Sweetie28's Avatar
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    I think the title cougar is stupid and hate that it's become a common thing. Cougars are women who troll for sex with YM and many YM also look for them. Many women here got into their relationship with their YM on accident or not even looking to be in a relationship! My advice is to avoid labels and not exclude anyone (unless you have a set age limit which is okay to) that is a legal adult.
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  13. #13
    whoahnellie is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by gorillagirl View Post
    seriously, woahnellie, come back after a few months of dating men around your same age and tell us what you found out. there is a big difference between "cougars" and the women on this site who just randomly happened to fall into relationships with YM without actively seeking them out. but still, your post seems quite angry at women who have been successfully in relationships with YM.
    Not angry at the women at all... angry at YM who view older woman as just a sex experience thing... and yes I understand a man at ANY age could be looking just for sex... I just feel like a fool that I thought this guy really had feelings for me.

  14. #14
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Quote Originally Posted by whoahnellie View Post
    Not angry at the women at all... angry at YM who view older woman as just a sex experience thing... and yes I understand a man at ANY age could be looking just for sex... I just feel like a fool that I thought this guy really had feelings for me.
    IMHO you should not waste your anger at men who just want sex, if they are upfront about it. Be angry at liars and cheaters. And don't feel like a fool either, it has happened to everyone, just learn your lesson and be more careful about your feelings next time.
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    fiorinda's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whoahnellie View Post
    Not angry at the women at all... angry at YM who view older woman as just a sex experience thing... and yes I understand a man at ANY age could be looking just for sex... I just feel like a fool that I thought this guy really had feelings for me.
    To me it sounds like (from what you've told us) that he DID have feelings for you. Haven't you been in at least one relationship where you really liked and cared about the guy, but didn't see it being 'the one' and lasting forever? I know I have. Your guy was honest. He told you he didn't see this relationship as being the one he spends his life in. But that doesn't mean he didn't care about you, even love you. I see my ex YM at work every week and it's quite obvious he still cares about me very deeply, despite him being the one to break it off initially (it's a long, messy complicated story to be honest), despite him discovering that he actually doesn't really want to be in a serious relationship with anyone at all at this stage in his life, despite it being well over 2 years since it all ended for good and proper between us. It takes guts to tell someone they're not the one, when you do care about them. Don't feel like a fool. If you're a fool then so are we all. It's just life. Some you win, some you lose.
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