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Thread: Old Friends: Do You Say Condolences When Something Bad Happens?

  1. #1
    legallyblonde Guest

    Old Friends: Do You Say Condolences When Something Bad Happens?

    My bff from first grade to the 9th grade just lost her 33 year old son in an ATV accident. I don't know if I should send her a note or not. Let me explain, her husband was someone she met when she was 15 and he was 29 and they were dating and pretty much an adult like couple from that time. They're still married, and this was one of their sons. The thing is, I made it clear that I did not like the guy, she was too young, IMHO, and that pretty much burned a bridge, because he knew. Soooo...I knew that she wasn't supposed to talk to me, at all. He was old enough, that he treated her like a daddy. (Hers was a police officer that died way too young.) I think she might live in the Scottsville house that her grandmother owned, and can send her a card. I guess it will be received poorly by her husband, but I don't know about her. I sent her a card when her sister died in 1982. But after the guy thing, I was out of her life completely. And, quite honestly, she never wrote me one note when my dad passed. Clue by four? She did post something nice about another neighborhood person's parent when they died.

    So, given everything, should I just stay mum?

    Ali

  2. #2
    theREALTrish's Avatar
    theREALTrish is offline Senior Member
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    I would send a card. It's unfortunate that she didn't communicate with you, in some way, when your father passed away, but if I were you, I'd take the high road.
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  3. #3
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    I will answer from a totally Panamanian culture perspective, so feel free to disregard my advise. Call her instead, if you can.

    We do not send cards in the mail, we deliver them personally. Second option is to call over the phone.
    I would go for Option 2, it may be a good opportunity to rekindle the friendship.
    kilny likes this.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  4. #4
    gorillagirl Guest
    i think it depends how long it's been since the last time you had a real conversation. if you haven't spoken to her in 32 years, leave her alone. if i received a condolence card from someone i haven't seen since high school (because they read something in the newspaper or facebook via friends of friends), i would think it was kinda nice but also very weird that they only contacted me because of a tragedy. if she had wanted to be in touch with you all these years, wouldn't she have been able to find you?
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  5. #5
    fiorinda's Avatar
    fiorinda is offline Senior Member
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    No offence, but I might not be too fussed either to get a card from someone who was so judgemental of my relationship way back (which turned into a lasting marriage of what, 40+ years?!). Ok so 15 is underage, but obviously he wasn't just interested in her because of that. Send a card if you really want to, but don't expect anything in return.
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  6. #6
    christina923 is offline Senior Member
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    my gosh! of course send a card.... her son died. died. it doesn't matter what happened 40years ago.... her son died. I think an offer of sympathy would be appreciated.

  7. #7
    NY10's Avatar
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    Totally send a card.
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  8. #8
    legallyblonde Guest
    Everyone seems to have different opinions. I don't know if I should call or not. I might just let it go.

    Ali

  9. #9
    legallyblonde Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by fiorinda View Post
    No offence, but I might not be too fussed either to get a card from someone who was so judgemental of my relationship way back (which turned into a lasting marriage of what, 40+ years?!). Ok so 15 is underage, but obviously he wasn't just interested in her because of that. Send a card if you really want to, but don't expect anything in return.
    I didn't want to be friends with her again. I simply wanted to acknowledge an awful life event.

    Ali

  10. #10
    legallyblonde Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by gorillagirl View Post
    i think it depends how long it's been since the last time you had a real conversation. if you haven't spoken to her in 32 years, leave her alone. if i received a condolence card from someone i haven't seen since high school (because they read something in the newspaper or facebook via friends of friends), i would think it was kinda nice but also very weird that they only contacted me because of a tragedy. if she had wanted to be in touch with you all these years, wouldn't she have been able to find you?
    Certainly. But her husband is still angry and upset over me not liking him 35 years ago!
    Ali

  11. #11
    Angel's Avatar
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    I would keep the wording simple and send the card. You are recognizing that she has suffered an immeasurable loss that transcends the past drama. You cannot control how she reacts to the card, but your motivations are well meant and that would be enough to convince me that it is the right thing to do.
    Faith likes this.
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  12. #12
    Faith's Avatar
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    Absolutely what Angel said. Don't let all the other clutter get in the way. Your first instinct was right, Ali... to acknowledge the tragic loss. Send her a card with a simple handwritten message. Do not call.
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  13. #13
    fiorinda's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by legallyblonde View Post
    I didn't want to be friends with her again. I simply wanted to acknowledge an awful life event.

    Ali
    Send the card then. It doesn't really matter if her husband doesn't like it, and you probably won't ever know if he does or doesn't anyway. I'm sure he's mellowed in his feelings towards you, if he even remembers you, after 30+ years
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  14. #14
    legallyblonde Guest
    LOL Not remember me? I doubt it. When I moved home in 2002 and tried to call her, he answered the phone and swore up and down that I'd gotten the wrong number. I knew very well I didn't have the wrong one. I saw her in Walmart and we spoke for a minute. She said to call when her hubby was out, and that kind of got me thinking it was best to leave all her drama behind. She will always be part of some of my most cherished memories, but I don't think I should have to deal with an angry husband.
    Ali

  15. #15
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    So send a card.

    If your friend misses you, this could be an opportunity to get back in touch. I am sure that she is not the type of women that lets her husband dictate who she can be friends with.

    If she does not want to be your friend, only a few bucks wasted.
    Angel likes this.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

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