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Thread: Depriving YM from being a father

  1. #1
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Depriving YM from being a father

    The title says it all.
    Some YM come into our lives after the end of our fertile years, or after we had the number of children we decided to have, so we will never have their children.
    This is the one part I regret about my relationship, not being able to make Nick a father.
    It is undeniable that Nick has had a positive effect in my son's life. He has given my son so much that it needs to be recognized in some way.

    Sorry for this rambling post.

    Happy father's day to all AL dads.
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    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  2. #2
    gorillagirl Guest
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  3. #3
    theREALTrish's Avatar
    theREALTrish is offline Senior Member
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    I think by saying that older women are "depriving" a younger partner of children is taking away their power of choice. They make the decision to be in the relationship knowing that an older woman will not be able to, biologically, carry a child. But, if they want children, there are plenty of children who need a good home and loving parents. There are so many children in the system who really deserve a family. If I was younger, I'd want to adopt, or foster, a child.

  4. #4
    kilny's Avatar
    kilny is offline Senior Member
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    This may be a common worry. My love is unable to have children. I still worry at times if I may have kept him from finding someone that had young children.
    Pickles and SheLikesKitties like this.
    Life is short, Live it with all your heart, love and passion.

  5. #5
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    fiorinda is offline Senior Member
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    This has been the one real big issue in our relationship. Not for Lee I hasten to add. Although he had always assumed he would have kids one day, and would love to have them, meeting, falling inlove with and marrying me has put paid to that idea for him. But he says that being with me is far more important to him than having children.

    Very early on in the relationship we decided that if I were to get pregnant we'd be very happy about it and so we left it to chance. That was 4 years ago and it's not happened and is almost certainly not going to happen now. I think it upsets me me far more than it does him. I would love to have his child and see him be the amazing father I'm sure he could be.

    But then again, there are lots of days when I'm happy we've got no children. We've talked about adoption. We even began the adoption process, but were asked to wait until we had lived together for longer. In the waiting period we've both realised that actually, we really like our life the way it is now. We've recently taken up a hobby that, whilst not necessarily being something we'd have to give up if we had a child, is something that would be harder to do if we did, not to mention the fact we probably wouldn't be able to afford to do it if we had a child! We like our lazy Sundays too. We like how spontaneous we can be when it's just us.

    It's not like I haven''t had kids - I have 2, now both adults, and I even have 2 wonderful little grandsons. Us not having children is however an issue for more people than just us. Lee has only one brother, and it looks very unlikely he will have children, at least for the foreseeable future. So my parents-in-law are unlikely to be grandparents. Being a granny myself, I feel for them.

    Who knows, we may come back to the adoption plans at some point in the future, but right now I doubt it. The longer we're together the more used we get to it just being us. And the older I get obviously.

    Ultimately, as Lee has pointed out on many occasions, it has been his choice to marry me, knowing that it's pretty much a certainty that we won't have any children.
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  6. #6
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    I know that he would love to be a father, but he also loves the carefree life we have now. Our only responsibility is the dog, and that has brought to light how different we are regarding discipline and reward for a DOG, imagine for a child. I told him that if he ever wants to have a child to let me know, and see if we would adopt probably not a baby but an older child.

    I guess this Father's day was very drepressing for me. I was feeling sick, and I was missing my grandfather and dad, and my godfather too. But I am better now and not so gloomy.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  7. #7
    Pickles's Avatar
    Pickles is offline Senior Member
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    I know mine would enjoy fatherhood greatly.

    He has already come from pragmatic end. He doesn't expect it in spite of our pregnancy a couple years ago. I am 50 today. Still in working order last full check through, but far past the average prime. If I follow my family pattern premenopause starts around 58 and rarely do any of us have kids in our 60s.

    We also have gone on the "if it happens hurrah" tack.

    I have always loved children and babies. Pregnancy is something I'm ambivalent about. Though a part of me is like cringing at another 3-4 years of diapers. *sigh* meh
    I have a bit of guilt at thought he may not have a child that is genetically his since he is last male of his family lines. But I don't feel like I took something from him since we had all the cards laid on table going into this.
    SheLikesKitties likes this.
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  8. #8
    Corsair is offline Member
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    There aren't any guarantees in life. I could choose a woman my own age and she still be infertile, or have a miscarriage or anything else. Do you choose love or a baby making machine? I guess we all have to work out what we actually want. For me I am not concerned if I am ever a father or not.

  9. #9
    Drewright is offline Neophyte
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    Tenancy at will...

    Speaking as a YM currently in a OW/YM relationship, a conversation about "players to be named later" simply has to happen. We had a lighter, more general conversation when we were dating but once things began to get more serious and we became intimate she and I had a much deeper discussion about kids - ranging from whether I even wanted to be a father to what happened if she became accidentally pregnant (she was in her late 40's when we started dating and hadn't yet gone through menopause). My OW also was the older single mother of a then three year old and if we were going to pursue a relationship we needed to put all our cards on the table.

    Now, I never felt any particular pull towards fatherhood and said as much during our conversation. I do like kids though and seeing me with her daughter made her ask at certain times in our relationship if I was sure about being with someone who couldn't give me children. I told her then and I tell her now that she already gave me a lovely little girl who will always be a part of my life, and that I got into this relationship because I wanted the wild, wonderful woman she is in my life...not because I wanted kids, was tired of being single, etc.

    We always joke about "Tenancy at will" - knowing the terms of the relationship and staying in it so long as it works for both parties. I'm 37 and she's on the other side of 50 - and things are still working just fine. Babies are now out of the question...but post-menopause we've found ourselves trying more than ever (haha).

  10. #10
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    LunaLove is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Drewright View Post
    We always joke about "Tenancy at will" - knowing the terms of the relationship and staying in it so long as it works for both parties. I'm 37 and she's on the other side of 50 - and things are still working just fine. Babies are now out of the question...but post-menopause we've found ourselves trying more than ever (haha).
    I'm 55 now and still not in menopause, however we also try a lot, not that we expect procreational results. LOL

    Judging by your post, she is a lucky woman and you are quite a wonderful man. Happy for you both!
    Inamorata likes this.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by LunaLove View Post
    I'm 55 now and still not in menopause, however we also try a lot, not that we expect procreational results. LOL

    Judging by your post, she is a lucky woman and you are quite a wonderful man. Happy for you both!
    It is fun trying a lot lunalove even when you know you're not going to procreate! lol
    "Two generations, One love!"


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