Needing advice with my son's in-laws to be
My son has been dating a lovely girl for the last 2 years. She has 2 nephews and 2 nieces, of that age when they are little tornadoes. The parents of these kids have left them at the care of her parents, with whom she lives, so she has quite an extended family. It is quite common that my son and her take the children to the beach, to Chucky Cheese and skating parks. My son lives with my mom, and they have visited my mom a few times to swim in the condo pool.
The one time they visited my mountain cabin (4 kids, plus 2 parents, plus an adult cousin) it was quite a disaster because at the time it was not finished, and there were construction materials everywhere, balconies were not railed, and my dog wanted to kill them (my dog hates children), so it was stressful. I had been told it was going to be only her parents and that is why I said "ok come", when they expressed interest in the place, but all 7 of them showed up.
Anyways, now Nick and I finished the cabin (which is not rustic, but all done in white and beige), my son asked me for a key to the cabin, with the intention of bringing his gf's parents and the 4 children, which apparently are a package. I said no, because the house is on sort of a ridge, next to a tropical jungle with occasional sightings of scorpions, snakes and tarantulas, plus the kids are the jump-on-the-sofa type kids. So my son was hurt about my refusal to give him the keys.
This new years day all 6 of them in-laws plus grandkids, showed up unnanounced at my ex's mountain cabin (my ex has his own in a nearby town), and my ex did not want them to stay (my ex does not like kids plus he is racist). So now my son is doubly hurt.
My issues are the following:
1. My son told me that I am not to correct these children when they are with me, like when I told one of them not to ride the car standing between the seats, without a seatbelt, or when they try to make friends with my dog, who may bite them.
2. I cannot receive them unnanounced because I have to make arrangements for refreshments for 6 people plus putting the dog away.
3. If I give the keys to my son he may bring them to the cabin, when I am not there, risking danger for them and my furniture.
4. Make my son understand that in my case, I have no problem with their race, but my ex may have a problem.
I really love my daughter in-law, but I feel uncomfortable with the lack of understanding from my son, that:
1. receiving people who do not eat Panamanian/Western food or snacks or drink the beverages we drink requires some preparation, in order to be a good host.
2. the dog is a safety issue and we are not getting rid of our dog.
3. my house, my car, my rules.
Please help, am I being harsh or unreasonable? What can I do to make him understand? Should I talk to the gf and explain?
You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.