AgeMatch.com - the best dating site for inter-generational lovers!  

Results 1 to 5 of 5
Like Tree3Likes
  • 1 Post By christina923
  • 2 Post By SheLikesKitties

Thread: Needing advice with my son's in-laws to be

  1. #1
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Panama
    Posts
    4,054

    Needing advice with my son's in-laws to be

    My son has been dating a lovely girl for the last 2 years. She has 2 nephews and 2 nieces, of that age when they are little tornadoes. The parents of these kids have left them at the care of her parents, with whom she lives, so she has quite an extended family. It is quite common that my son and her take the children to the beach, to Chucky Cheese and skating parks. My son lives with my mom, and they have visited my mom a few times to swim in the condo pool.

    The one time they visited my mountain cabin (4 kids, plus 2 parents, plus an adult cousin) it was quite a disaster because at the time it was not finished, and there were construction materials everywhere, balconies were not railed, and my dog wanted to kill them (my dog hates children), so it was stressful. I had been told it was going to be only her parents and that is why I said "ok come", when they expressed interest in the place, but all 7 of them showed up.

    Anyways, now Nick and I finished the cabin (which is not rustic, but all done in white and beige), my son asked me for a key to the cabin, with the intention of bringing his gf's parents and the 4 children, which apparently are a package. I said no, because the house is on sort of a ridge, next to a tropical jungle with occasional sightings of scorpions, snakes and tarantulas, plus the kids are the jump-on-the-sofa type kids. So my son was hurt about my refusal to give him the keys.

    This new years day all 6 of them in-laws plus grandkids, showed up unnanounced at my ex's mountain cabin (my ex has his own in a nearby town), and my ex did not want them to stay (my ex does not like kids plus he is racist). So now my son is doubly hurt.

    My issues are the following:

    1. My son told me that I am not to correct these children when they are with me, like when I told one of them not to ride the car standing between the seats, without a seatbelt, or when they try to make friends with my dog, who may bite them.
    2. I cannot receive them unnanounced because I have to make arrangements for refreshments for 6 people plus putting the dog away.
    3. If I give the keys to my son he may bring them to the cabin, when I am not there, risking danger for them and my furniture.
    4. Make my son understand that in my case, I have no problem with their race, but my ex may have a problem.

    I really love my daughter in-law, but I feel uncomfortable with the lack of understanding from my son, that:
    1. receiving people who do not eat Panamanian/Western food or snacks or drink the beverages we drink requires some preparation, in order to be a good host.
    2. the dog is a safety issue and we are not getting rid of our dog.
    3. my house, my car, my rules.

    Please help, am I being harsh or unreasonable? What can I do to make him understand? Should I talk to the gf and explain?
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  2. #2
    Slow Worm's Avatar
    Slow Worm is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    London UK
    Posts
    527
    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties View Post

    My issues are the following:

    1. My son told me that I am not to correct these children when they are with me, like when I told one of them not to ride the car standing between the seats, without a seatbelt, or when they try to make friends with my dog, who may bite them.
    That seems straightforward enough. If Panamanian law is anything like the law here, the driver of a car is responsible for ensuring that any children on board are safely restrained and the owner of a dog is responsible for controlling it, which includes telling children not to approach it. Your son cannot reasonably object to your doing these.

    3. If I give the keys to my son he may bring them to the cabin, when I am not there, risking danger for them and my furniture.
    This is more of a trust issue between you and him: you feel that if you you gave him a key but specified that he may not take children into the cabin, he would not comply with that. I've no way of knowing whether that he would heed your conditions or whether you are right to distrust him.


    4. Make my son understand that in my case, I have no problem with their race
    I don't understand this point: surely he knows your feelings on race by now? Your ex's prejudices are an issue between the ex and your son, at his age.


    Hope it all works out well.

    SW

  3. #3
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Panama
    Posts
    4,054
    Quote Originally Posted by Slow Worm View Post
    This is more of a trust issue between you and him: you feel that if you you gave him a key but specified that he may not take children into the cabin, he would not comply with that. I've no way of knowing whether that he would heed your conditions or whether you are right to distrust him.
    My son, unfortunately has selective honesty, he would not steal, (he co-signs the company's accounts, and never a penny missing) but he thinks there is nothing wrong with borrowing something without the person knowing, because it will be returned, no harm done. So no, I do not trust him. I have already told him I will give him the keys just for him and gf, but he says he cannot promise he will not bring friends or the children.

    I don't understand this point: surely he knows your feelings on race by now? Your ex's prejudices are an issue between the ex and your son, at his age.
    Yes he knows I am not racist, but somehow he is lumping my ex and I. Maybe he wants me to influence his father but I do not want to get involved with that. Specially because at one point my ex accused me of trying to win him back ().

    Hope it all works out well.
    Thank you, we will be talking tomorrow. Crossing fingers.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  4. #4
    christina923 is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    CT, USA
    Posts
    6,101
    your place, your life, your rules. he knows the kids are little ____ and I would tell him once again in your car, your home you will set the rules. if they can not cooperate there is no "middle ground".

    how did your talk go? stick to your conditions...they are not unreasonable.
    SheLikesKitties likes this.

  5. #5
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Panama
    Posts
    4,054
    I talked to him. He is clear now that it's my house, my rules, and acknowledged that the kids are incontrollable.
    christina923 and kilny like this.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •