Thread: Older partners: are you doing anything to stay active and even looking younger?

Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties

When you are the older partner, specially in OW/YM relationships, one feels the need to keep younger longer. At present I am exercising, dieting, and doing the usual skin care stuff. Anyone else doing similar stuff?

I would exercise and try to eat healthy regardless of the age of my partner, or even if I had one. Fortunately for me, the younger men I have been in relationships with actually liked being with an older woman and preferred a more mature look. In fact I've been told by one young man not to worry about getting wrinkles because every one will just make me more beautiful in his eyes. So I don't feel the need to look younger, just to keep as healthy as I can and always have a great wardrobe!

Further on this topic: It's always assumed that the older woman in a relationship with a younger man must be more concerned about aging and how she looks than she would be in a relationship with a man her own age or older. Is this true for most people? It's not true for me but I might be the exception. If there were more people responding to posts it might make for a good poll.

I read before about worrying about it makes really makes you age less gracefully anyway.

Just to add to this as an older woman, whatever you do has to come from yourself, first and foremost. There is a lot of social pressure on women to look a certain way ( on men too but maybe a bit less) and the issues of health and attractiveness often get mixed up. I am lucky because I have never had a problem with putting on weight, even after menopause but I have never really been into sport and never been really fit. When I was around 50, I decided to take up yoga because I could feel my body was no longer as flexible as it used to be. Seven years down the track, I can say I am better than I was in my 30s or 40! Actually, my partner of 7 months who is 11 years younger now thinks that it would probably be a good thing for him to take up yoga himself befcause he has a lot of pack pain. It woudl be great if we coudl do it together. Last year, I noticed that I was losing a bit of muscle strength. So after my birthday, I decided to join a gym and establish a program. There might be "asethetic" benefits , I don't know but it is not the main purpose. The purpose is to maintain my quality of life, firstly for myself, then for my partner because I don't want him to have to become a nurse. I have friends with a similar age gap and he is constantly looking after her because she did not look after her body. As for actual looks, after years of "dating" (including much younger men, 20 year gap) , I have learned that sexual attractiveness is not at all about what marketing tells us it is (to sell stuff). So, I will continue to do what I want to do (looking after my skin also and my hair) but I will try to see myself through the eyes of my love and to remind myself that I am attractive to him, which is the only thing that counts.

Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties

When you are the older partner, specially in OW/YM relationships, one feels the need to keep younger longer. At present I am exercising, dieting, and doing the usual skin care stuff. Anyone else doing similar stuff?

I mean, do it for yourself if that's a goal you have for yourself. A YM who's dating an OW and looking for either ABC, KLM, or XYZ physical traits, is doing it wrong to start with.

Given that this forum isn't very busy it seemed silly to create a separate thread so forgive me if I slightly go off the point of the topic. As someone who has often been the younger in the relationship I think there is also pressure for to look young/attractive. Maybe more so in some respects as the older partner is obviously attracted to younger people and values that. I think perhaps the advantage the older partner might have is that the younger one is attracted to older people and therefore has already gone through a thought process that has accepted that their partner will get older and age the longer the relationship lasts.

I've known "cougar" type women who have expressed that they only want men under a certain age, it seems that age range remains the same regardless of how old they get. There are men who have similar thoughts. So I think in many respects the pressure is perhaps greater on the younger partner?

Just my thoughts.

Originally Posted by Corsair

So I think in many respects the pressure is perhaps greater on the younger partner?

You mean you think the pressure for the younger partner to keep themselves looking young may be greater than for the older partner? That's an interesting perspective I'd never thought about.

For myself, I generally get along better with younger men, partly because the type of man I like tends to get into a solid relationship young and stay in it because he's a great partner, so I would usually have to date younger to find a suitable partner who is still single. I'm certainly not expecting him to remain looking youthful or to remain looking any certain way. I fall in love with his heart and soul. Looks are nice but definitely secondary.

That being said, I suppose the younger partner might think about it differently and have concerns about growing older and looking older and thinking they may get replaced by a "newer model." I guess that's where communication comes in. I wouldn't want my partner to worry about that any more than I'd want to have to worry about it.

Since you've been the younger partner in several relationships, have you ever found yourself feeling that way?

Originally Posted by Inamorata

You mean you think the pressure for the younger partner to keep themselves looking young may be greater than for the older partner? That's an interesting perspective I'd never thought about.

For myself, I generally get along better with younger men, partly because the type of man I like tends to get into a solid relationship young and stay in it because he's a great partner, so I would usually have to date younger to find a suitable partner who is still single. I'm certainly not expecting him to remain looking youthful or to remain looking any certain way. I fall in love with his heart and soul. Looks are nice but definitely secondary.

That being said, I suppose the younger partner might think about it differently and have concerns about growing older and looking older and thinking they may get replaced by a "newer model." I guess that's where communication comes in. I wouldn't want my partner to worry about that any more than I'd want to have to worry about it.

Since you've been the younger partner in several relationships, have you ever found yourself feeling that way?

Yep that is what I mean. I know there are lots of variables of course too. A younger person marries and older one than 10 years down the track the older person starts looking "old" rather than older. Depending on what type of people are involved that could become a problem.

Has your definition of "younger" changed as you have gotten older? For eg when you were mid 30's younger would have been early 20's, as you got older than men in their 30's or even early 40's fit into the younger category?

I have been in relationships especially when I was much younger where I was basically a toy boy and arm candy. I wouldn't say that those relationships ended because I got older as such because they were more fun and for the moment than serious but to answer your question, yes, I knew I had to look good for the lady.

I got a bit of a thrill out of it though to be honest. If that were to happen in what I considered to be a serious relationship I would have to re evaluate. Sometimes that has happened.

Originally Posted by Corsair

Yep that is what I mean. I know there are lots of variables of course too. A younger person marries and older one than 10 years down the track the older person starts looking "old" rather than older. Depending on what type of people are involved that could become a problem.

Has your definition of "younger" changed as you have gotten older? For eg when you were mid 30's younger would have been early 20's, as you got older than men in their 30's or even early 40's fit into the younger category?

I have been in relationships especially when I was much younger where I was basically a toy boy and arm candy. I wouldn't say that those relationships ended because I got older as such because they were more fun and for the moment than serious but to answer your question, yes, I knew I had to look good for the lady.

I got a bit of a thrill out of it though to be honest. If that were to happen in what I considered to be a serious relationship I would have to re evaluate. Sometimes that has happened.

This raises a question I have had about OW-YM relationships. THe efirst time I did not go looking for a younger man, he came to me or rather circumstances put me in contact with me . After it first happened,I really struggled with it, as many women who camer here also did. . From what I read on this forum and also on what Susan Winter's website I realized that the younger men approaching the older women was in fact the most common scenario ( so quite different from the cliché of the predatory "cougar").
That first relationship did not work out but it made me question a lot of the prejudices I had internalized about what love should be. After that, I did not actively go looking for a younger man but I did not push them away either, when they approached me. Because of the internet, it happened a few times whilst I also tried to date men in my age group or a bit older. It never worked out with the ":age approprioate "dates and I ended up in a relatiomnship with a man 11 years younger than me.
For me it never was an ego thing, I felt flattered at first but with the man with whom I am now, age just does not register. I see him as him, not as a "younger man". I appreciate certaisn things that are linked to his age: he has beautiful long culrly hair and not a single silver thread... But I am not particularly proud to be with him because he looks younger.
In response to the question you asked Innamorata: no, my definition of younger did not change as I aged. It remained the same.
I would think that if the whole thing is primarily ego fed, than you would want to have a younger and younger lover to compensate for your own ageing. I am glad that my relationship is not based on my need to feed my ego.

Originally Posted by Mélusine

I realized that the younger men approaching the older women was in fact the most common scenario ( so quite different from the cliché of the predatory "cougar").

That's been my experience as well Melusine. I have never pursued a younger man, or any man for that matter. I know women who prefer dating younger men because they've just had better experiences with them, but I don't know anyone who could be, even remotely, described as a 'cougar.'

I also agree that relationships that serve primarily to boost one partner's ego, are not true partnerships. I can't imagine being with a man I loved and wanting to ditch him because he started looking older, and I would never want to be with a man who felt that way. There is so much superficiality in all facets of life it seems. I find it very sad.

With the new Face App that everyone is using that makes people look younger, older, etc. Just for fun, I made my husband look older. I did not expect my own reaction. It made me so sad I cried. By the time he looks like the app, I will probably be dead and I wonder if he will be lonely. Am I not silly?

By the time he looks like the app, I will probably be dead and I wonder if he will be lonely. Am I not silly?[/QUOTE]
I don't think it is silly. It shows your love and concern. You know that when you pass on, your husband wil have to rebuild his life and of course,you don't want him to suffer... The fact that one partner will die before the other one is true of all couples. Because of life expectancy, it is often the man but not always. With age-gap relationships, the fact is "in your face" (pun intended). So we will talk about it but life is such that everything is possible. I remember reading some where the story of a couple where the woman was quite a bit older than her partner. He actually died before her and she ended up survivinghim by ten years. This also brings to mind Joan Collins's famous witty reply to a question about her relationship with her much younger partner (by 32 years) "If he dies, He dies!" What a woman!

Originally Posted by Mélusine

This raises a question I have had about OW-YM relationships. The first time I did not go looking for a younger man, he came to me or rather circumstances put me in contact with me . After it first happened,I really struggled with it, as many women who came here also did. . From what I read on this forum and also on what Susan Winter's website I realized that the younger men approaching the older women was in fact the most common scenario ( so quite different from the cliché of the predatory "cougar").
That first relationship did not work out but it made me question a lot of the prejudices I had internalized about what love should be. After that, I did not actively go looking for a younger man but I did not push them away either, when they approached me. Because of the internet, it happened a few times whilst I also tried to date men in my age group or a bit older. It never worked out with the ":age appropriate "dates and I ended up in a relationship with a man 11 years younger than me.
For me it never was an ego thing, I felt flattered at first but with the man with whom I am now, age just does not register. I see him as him, not as a "younger man". I appreciate certain things that are linked to his age: he has beautiful long culrly hair and not a single silver thread... But I am not particularly proud to be with him because he looks younger.
In response to the question you asked Inamorata: no, my definition of younger did not change as I aged. It remained the same.
I would think that if the whole thing is primarily ego fed, than you would want to have a younger and younger lover to compensate for your own ageing. I am glad that my relationship is not based on my need to feed my ego.

I've encountered both. Although I believe generally speaking that "Cougars" for lack of a better word are made rather than born. They start of as women who seek out men their own age but due to being approached by younger men they start to see they have opportunities they didn't think they had. I know women who will only exclusively date younger than then themselves. Some will approach younger men on dating sites etc some will just wait to be approached. What they consider "younger" can vary as well from 5 years younger to 10 or more.

On a very basic level Older Woman, Younger man makes perfect sense. Younger men are horny and older women also tend to be confident and sexual as well so their sex drives match.

Likewise, YW, OM also is a good mix as the YW likes the calmness and experience an OM can bring.

Originally Posted by Inamorata

That's been my experience as well Melusine. I have never pursued a younger man, or any man for that matter. I know women who prefer dating younger men because they've just had better experiences with them, but I don't know anyone who could be, even remotely, described as a 'cougar.'

I also agree that relationships that serve primarily to boost one partner's ego, are not true partnerships. I can't imagine being with a man I loved and wanting to ditch him because he started looking older, and I would never want to be with a man who felt that way. There is so much superficiality in all facets of life it seems. I find it very sad.

There is a lot of superficiality and quick fixes, going from one buzz to the next. I miss romance but the world has become uber pragmatic and cold.

Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties

With the new Face App that everyone is using that makes people look younger, older, etc. Just for fun, I made my husband look older. I did not expect my own reaction. It made me so sad I cried. By the time he looks like the app, I will probably be dead and I wonder if he will be lonely. Am I not silly?

Not to be too morbid here but there aren't any guarantees in life. He may pass before you or you may pass together etc. I wouldn't worry about what might happen. Just what is happening now.

Originally Posted by Corsair

I got a bit of a thrill out of it though to be honest. If that were to happen in what I considered to be a serious relationship I would have to re evaluate. Sometimes that has happened.

What do you mean? What has happened to you in the past? What would you need to re evaluate? Sorry, I'm a bit confused.