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Thread: Heartless or completely ignorant on how to treat people you care about?

  1. #16
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by catlover View Post
    I think I got an apology of sorts today. He met me after I got off work with wings for dinner, and said he was going to make valentines day dinner tomorrow and it would be a surprise. Without thinking I asked him why he was being nice-he said he figured he had been kind of a dick to me lately.
    Well that's a start. A few incidents like the aforementioned one here and there may be acceptable, but if he's constantly playing dr jekyll and mr hide; ie being inconsiderate and mean often but later apologizing a lot you should rethink your relationship.

  2. #17
    walkersam is offline Senior Member
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    Faith, I know I have asked if its a generational thing a time or two myself. I don't know that we are trying to deflect so much as understand if there may be a difference because behaviors do change. I know when I was a teenager, you didn't date until 16 and you wouldn't dare call a boy but when my oldest was younger, girls started calling in elementary school and it wazs me who wouldn't let him date until he was older.

    Catlover, alot of men are not very softhearted when it comes to animals and some just will not show emotion if they do care tho I do think his statements and behavior were a little callous. My ex was raised on a farm and animals dying had little effect on him until our little 2 pound yorkie died and he cried like a baby. We had her for 14 years and lost our cat soon after which we had almost as long.

    As somebody who has a ym who has a hard time saying no to other people, it may be that he just has issues saying no to people and asking them to not come over or leave. Maybe he simply did not know how to deal with your grief and how to "fix it". He may not have known how to deal with his own grief even.

    You have every right to grieve and have feelings and he needs to respect them and he should respect your space and your right to grieve in private even if it was just a pet, it was still your pet and still beloved.

  3. #18
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    MissMuffins is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by catlover View Post
    I think I got an apology of sorts today. He met me after I got off work with wings for dinner, and said he was going to make valentines day dinner tomorrow and it would be a surprise. Without thinking I asked him why he was being nice-he said he figured he had been kind of a dick to me lately.
    catlover, this post made me laugh. He figured, heh? Wonder what clued him in?

    I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

    I'm also sorry your boyfriend is being a dick. His friends' behavior (and his) is NOT generational, it's insensitive. You've made it pretty clear that you won't tolerate the behavior. Either he values his relationship with you enough to change the behavior, or he doesn't.

    In my own relationship, I put up with a lot of things that bother me but aren't deal breakers. One thing my partner does NOT do is take pot-shots at me. I think the "generational" and "older" comments amount to pot-shots. That would bother me as much as the lack of sensitivity over the loss of a pet, and either would be a deal-breaker for me.

    big hugs,
    MM
    Last edited by MissMuffins; 02-14-2012 at 01:56 AM.
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  4. #19
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    LaRomantica is offline Senior Member
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    I read this thread in the wee hours of the morning and didn't want to stay awake longer to reply, but now that I'm here I'm glad your b/f took a step in the right direction because being a cat/animal lover myself I just could not put up with someone who had no sympathy, but beyond that, to show no consideration for your feelings, regardless, seemed like a bad sign for me, so I'm wishing you a happy Valentine hoping your b/f will really make it up to you and that you'll find a measure of comfort soon in the loss of your precious kitty.

    I can relate because my DD and I adopted a female cat who showed up emaciated and full of fleas/parasites at our door almost 3 years ago, at first we just wanted to take her to a shelter but because she tested positive for feline leukemia she was "unadoptable" and the state would've put her to death, I'd already even taken her there thinking they were going to help me with the spaying, instead they were telling me that even I couldn't adopt her, but I would not have that and told them I'd take her home with or without their consent so they gave in and let me adopt her officially, then gave me a voucher for a free spaying, when I moved all the cats stayed with my daugher but to date she remains a loving and happy kitty.

  5. #20
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    kittylane is offline Senior Member
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    I think it is best to let this go. He did not have the same feelings for your pet and that is ok. It does not make him a bad choice or person. I expect to go thru my own grief and I understand if the people closest to me don't get my emotions. They dont have to.

    I know my Adam would be sad for me but would keep on living. I may get mad, throw people out of the house if I thought he was insensitive but we would get over it. We always do, that is one of things I love about us. We go thru ups, downs and turn arounds but we stick together. That is what he brings to my relationship and it allows me to be truly who I am.

    I love my cat, I will be sad one day if he is not here anymore. Really sad. But, life does go on. My father who is a bit callous told me that after my mother died. It seemed cruel but for me I now understand and believe he was right.

    Your guy did not love the cat. But it sounds like he loves you, have a good valentines.
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  6. #21
    VenusDarkStar Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by kittylane View Post
    I think it is best to let this go. He did not have the same feelings for your pet and that is ok. It does not make him a bad choice or person. I expect to go thru my own grief and I understand if the people closest to me don't get my emotions. They dont have to.

    I know my Adam would be sad for me but would keep on living. I may get mad, throw people out of the house if I thought he was insensitive but we would get over it. We always do, that is one of things I love about us. We go thru ups, downs and turn arounds but we stick together. That is what he brings to my relationship and it allows me to be truly who I am.

    I love my cat, I will be sad one day if he is not here anymore. Really sad. But, life does go on. My father who is a bit callous told me that after my mother died. It seemed cruel but for me I now understand and believe he was right.

    Your guy did not love the cat. But it sounds like he loves you, have a good valentines.
    I think the last statement sums it all up. And by what he's been doing for you....even down to his version of an apology (which I believe it was)...he is trying to reach out. Accept it and move on...together.

  7. #22
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    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Quote Originally Posted by catlover View Post
    I think I got an apology of sorts today. He met me after I got off work with wings for dinner, and said he was going to make valentines day dinner tomorrow and it would be a surprise. Without thinking I asked him why he was being nice-he said he figured he had been kind of a dick to me lately.
    This was definitely an apology. Hopefuly he will be more thoughtful in the future.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  8. #23
    Just MiMi is offline Senior Member
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    Ignorant as opposed to heartless!

    Guys sometimes just don't get it. I think God made women to be "givers of life". We nurture and care.

    I think your YM knew something was lacking in his behavior and he brought "meat" to try and make things better.

    I had a date with a gentleman who told me for us to be a couple, I would need to get rid of my dog Maggie. After all, he said, I've had mine for over five years and she would never accept another female.

    Sometimes, guys just don't get it!!! Happy Valentine's Day.

  9. #24
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    Redhead is offline Senior Member
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    I am glad your **** h, I mean your boy friend, apologized. The wording of his apology made me laugh. He is so right.

  10. #25
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    Pam, I have known you for a lot of years and I remember when Amber died. I know you love your cats. So, if I know, as a person who has only known you online, surely he knows it, being with you for so many years. Having just gone through this 2 months ago with my sweet dog, Teddy, I understand you needed your time to grieve and did not want to be social. The grieving goes on for as long as we need it to. I am still grieving. He was with my daughter and I for 10 years and he was our best friend.

    If my boyfriend would have pulled such a stunt, I would have been done with him. I am not telling you that you should be done with John, but it is just that serious to me. If the person closest to me cannot comfort me when I am heartbroken and grieving, I don't need him. But, having emotional support is more important to me than a lot of other things.

    When Teddy had to be put down, he drove me to the vet. He went in with me and stayed with me the whole time. He cried with me and when we got home, he asked me to stay in the car while he went inside and packed away all of Teddy's things before I came inside. Through the last two months, when I get upset about Teddy, he listens to me and is very understanding. This is what I expect from any guy who claims to love me. I don't buy into the whole "guys just don't get it" or "guys don't care about animals". Those are just lame excuses for bad behaviour. Even if the guy wasn't as close to the animal, he still knows how much you loved him/her and should give his full support.

    I am glad he admitted to being a jerk. But, I think he owes you way more of an apology and down right *** licking.

    So sorry for your loss.
    LaRomantica and Azureth like this.
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  11. #26
    LaRomantica's Avatar
    LaRomantica is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Just MiMi View Post
    Guys sometimes just don't get it. I think God made women to be "givers of life". We nurture and care.

    I think your YM knew something was lacking in his behavior and he brought "meat" to try and make things better.

    I had a date with a gentleman who told me for us to be a couple, I would need to get rid of my dog Maggie. After all, he said, I've had mine for over five years and she would never accept another female.

    Sometimes, guys just don't get it!!! Happy Valentine's Day.
    Hmm, I agree with 1love, the "guys just don't get it" excuse can only be stretched so far... That guy you dated was simply a selfish jerk, period.
    Last edited by LaRomantica; 02-15-2012 at 10:49 PM. Reason: wrong name!

  12. #27
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by LaRomantica View Post
    Hmm, I agree with 1love, the "guys just don't get it" excuse can only be stretched so far... That guy you dated was simply a selfish jerk, period.
    Completely agree. I hear a lot of women excuse guys bad behavior because "guys are like this" or "guys just don't understand that" and there is no excuse for it. I am a guy and I certainly understand, especially when I had to give up my cats. It's really not right to generalize all guys as this and that, especially when there are guys like me that aren't.

    Lots of women, for example, think guys are just emotionless when that isn't true at all. Men and women have the same emotions we just display them in feminine and masculine ways. Sure at times it can make the opposite sex seem strange to us but it's nothing that can't be overcome with kindness and a willingness to try to understand each others needs.

  13. #28
    VenusDarkStar Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Azureth View Post
    Completely agree. I hear a lot of women excuse guys bad behavior because "guys are like this" or "guys just don't understand that" and there is no excuse for it. I am a guy and I certainly understand, especially when I had to give up my cats. It's really not right to generalize all guys as this and that, especially when there are guys like me that aren't.

    Lots of women, for example, think guys are just emotionless when that isn't true at all. Men and women have the same emotions we just display them in feminine and masculine ways. Sure at times it can make the opposite sex seem strange to us but it's nothing that can't be overcome with kindness and a willingness to try to understand each others needs.
    Sometimes I think Azureth is a 90 year old man with all these decades of knowledge hidden behind the facade of a 20-something year old man.


  14. #29
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    I'm sorry about your cat, and I'm sorry your boyfriend was being a jerk.

    It sounds like he realized it and he apologized. It sounds like it was a one-time thing, though. I think he may not have fully understood your grief. It doesn't sound like he was as close to your cat as you were. To him, it was "just a cat" or "just catlover's cat".

    Some people can't handle grief well, too. He may be one of those people. He felt bad for you, but didn't know what to do. Then he got defensive when he was called out on it.

    If he acts like this all the time, though, then yes, he's an ****.
    Never try to fit in when you are meant to stand out.


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