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Thread: He came into the house and went into my bedroom without asking

  1. #16
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    I do not live in the US, so I do not know the legal implications of changing a lock. Here in Panama we have the marital obligation to receive the spouse, so we cannot change locks until the divorce is final.

    I have hesitated to post this because the last thing I want is to be mean to you. But GG, the message you sent this guy was not right for you.

    "you're not invited into my bedroom unless we're getting together for sex"

    this means that you are open to sex. Do not put yourself in the position of having this offer ignored, or worse yet, accepted, and have sex with someone for whom the relationship is over. Do not dwell on the possible reasons he went all the way to your bedroom. It could be normal curiosity about how the ex lives. I know you love him, but according to you, he does not want to get back together. The sooner you start the process of shutting that door, the better it will be for you in the long run.

    Hugs amiga.
    Redhead likes this.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  2. #17
    gorillagirl Guest
    SLKitties- Well, he is still my husband. We still own a house together, etc.
    I do love him and I would sex him again (he hasn't dated since we broke up but I have) but I know he doesn't want to.
    I have no intention of trying to win him back 'cuz he's too much of a loner. Thanks though.

  3. #18
    Redhead's Avatar
    Redhead is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties View Post
    "you're not invited into my bedroom unless we're getting together for sex"

    this means that you are open to sex. Do not put yourself in the position of having this offer ignored, or worse yet, accepted, and have sex with someone for whom the relationship is over. Do not dwell on the possible reasons he went all the way to your bedroom. It could be normal curiosity about how the ex lives. I know you love him, but according to you, he does not want to get back together. The sooner you start the process of shutting that door, the better it will be for you in the long run.
    .
    I agree with ShelikesKitties that this wording is very critical. It puts you into a weaker position. You say "I am still available for sex if you want to". Otherwise his intrusion into your bedroom will most likely not remain his last and only step over your borders.
    When I was still married and trying to make the separation final, my marriage counselor (who also knew him) said "you are making it difficult for him and for you if you convey the message that he should go away but stay 10%". At that time I was on the defensive and did not want to see what he meant.

  4. #19
    kitkat620's Avatar
    kitkat620 is offline wishful thinker
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    Hi. I too, had to deal with my ex coming to the house (when we first separated) when I wasn't home (my son was home), to pick up things without telling or I should say, asking if it was ok. I didn't like it and told him so and I also told him to give back the key, which he did. That was at the beginning of our separation when I was bitter and angry towards him.
    He still has mail come to the house (?) which he will pick up when my son is home. But it doesn't matter to me one way or another now. But then again, I have reached a level of friendship with him which I didn't have before. I have no desire to hook up with him sexually or otherwise. He's living his life, I'm living mine. And I am so much more happier now than I had ever been with him.
    It seems in your case, your ex feels he has every right to let himself into your home whether you are there or not. Maybe it is because he pays the mortgage, maybe it's because legally you are still married to him. Who knows. And by him putting the card on your bed in your bedroom, that is just weird. I don't know about you, but my bedroom is my private space. My sanctuary. When someone enters it without my permission, I feel it's a violation. Maybe he did that to snoop, or maybe he did it for some other warped reason, like to show you he can still go into your bedroom, or anywhere else in the house, if he wants. The whole thing is odd.
    Bottom line, if you feel that what he did is wrong, you need to get those locks changed and make it perfectly clear to him that he is not allowed into the house without your permission.
    I know you feel a little humiliated that your room was not 'up to par', but don't worry about that. What people here said is true, it's over and done with. It's your life, your house, if you want it to be messy so be it. It's none of his business anymore.
    "We must become the change we want to see."
    Mahatma Gandhi

  5. #20
    MissMuffins's Avatar
    MissMuffins is offline Senior Member
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    gg,

    With very few exceptions, I would find it to be an invasion of privacy. My ex wasn't welcome in my home because he took things without asking and acted like he had free rein of the place. It reminded me of a dog that goes around peeing on tires to mark his territory. In your situation, I'd change the locks if I could and be on the lookout for something that was "off"...like things that aren't where you remember leaving them or missing clothing, documents and items of value. The way I'm wired, I'd wonder if he went through the files on my laptop or read my email. Might be time to change your passwords.

    But you know the guy and the situation, and you're not me. You've shared that he is a bit odd...not good with people, personal boundaries, social cues, etc. Maybe he just left the insurance card on your laptop because he knew you'd find it there. Maybe for you, it's enough to ask him to not do it again.

    MM
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  6. #21
    trolleycar's Avatar
    trolleycar is offline I still play with trains
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    I hate to rain on your Parade . But as long as he is stilled listed as one of the owners of the home on the deed
    He has as much right to come in any part of the home he want.
    Not that he should have done it. But considerer your self lucky.
    If your Husband was a vindictive person He could sell his interest in the home out from under you.
    And how knows how you would get as a co-owner with you.
    And even worst if you are not on the deed he could have you evicted.
    And as far that your Bedroom was not neat and tidy .
    If come into my bedroom and it is neat and and tidy i know right that I am in the wrong house.
    Life is to short the worry about the littles things.
    Consider your self lucky that your husband is not a vindictive Screwball and seeing that you are in the BAY Area
    He could take a K-12 and cut every thing in half including the Home as happened in New Jersey a year or to ago.
    If he is paying for Insurance and the mortgage I would not rock the boat. I do not see why he did not just put the insurance card in an envelope
    and shoot it thought the mail Slot in the door.

  7. #22
    Ashley20 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by trolleycar View Post
    I hate to rain on your Parade . But as long as he is stilled listed as one of the owners of the home on the deed
    He has as much right to come in any part of the home he want.
    Not that he should have done it. But considerer your self lucky.
    If your Husband was a vindictive person He could sell his interest in the home out from under you.
    And how knows how you would get as a co-owner with you.
    And even worst if you are not on the deed he could have you evicted.
    And as far that your Bedroom was not neat and tidy .
    If come into my bedroom and it is neat and and tidy i know right that I am in the wrong house.
    Life is to short the worry about the littles things.
    Consider your self lucky that your husband is not a vindictive Screwball and seeing that you are in the BAY Area
    He could take a K-12 and cut every thing in half including the Home as happened in New Jersey a year or to ago.
    If he is paying for Insurance and the mortgage I would not rock the boat. I do not see why he did not just put the insurance card in an envelope
    and shoot it thought the mail Slot in the door.
    true true..I think the fact that someone comes in and checks the rooms to make sure I was not lying there dead and someone may have stole my car is a good thing.

    If it bothered me that much I would simply ask the person to never check or come in the house again.Though I do have a friend that said that to her X who she had been on decent terms with who was still paying the mortage and he said fine and simply stoped paying and now she is losing the home completly..so unless someone did some REALLY awful thing while in the home I would NOT make a big deal about it ,you may regret it in the long run.some times things are just small things and people turn then into a major fight and regret the outcome.

  8. #23
    VenusDarkStar Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Ashley20 View Post
    true true..I think the fact that someone comes in and checks the rooms to make sure I was not lying there dead and someone may have stole my car is a good thing.

    If it bothered me that much I would simply ask the person to never check or come in the house again.Though I do have a friend that said that to her X who she had been on decent terms with who was still paying the mortage and he said fine and simply stoped paying and now she is losing the home completly..so unless someone did some REALLY awful thing while in the home I would NOT make a big deal about it ,you may regret it in the long run.some times things are just small things and people turn then into a major fight and regret the outcome.
    Yeah this is true, but that's what makes it suck. It's a power trip. He MAY be able to get away with it legally, but it's morally wrong.

  9. #24
    Redhead's Avatar
    Redhead is offline Senior Member
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    His entering the apartment is a power play.

    How long will your divorce take? The background for my question is that I would like to know how long you have to put up with this.

  10. #25
    gorillagirl Guest
    Thanks everyone.
    The plan is the house gets paid off and deeded to me in lieu of alimony within the next 2 years. He's not gonna weasel out on the agreement for a few reasons:
    1. He's a kind and generous person and doesn't want to feel GUILTY that he threw me out of my home as an aging person who is far less employable than he is (a judge won't allow it). He wants me to have a more secure future.
    2. He does not want to involve attorneys or pay attorney fees. knows he will be forced by a judge to pay far more in alimony than the remainder on the loan.
    3. The home is deeded to us both. The initial down payment was money I inherited before I met him.

  11. #26
    walkersam is offline Senior Member
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    GG, I don't know about all that stuff that came up from ssome of the posters but you need to check for sure. Here in Tn, when the divorce is filed, a restraining order is put on the real property and neither party is allowed to dispose of anything. Alimony can only be paid for two years to give time for the spouse to find employment etc but is not permanent. They are not allowed to just come in and take half of everything either until the courts decide who can have what or they agree.

    More than anything, it is to show you he still has power over you and it worked to some level. Also just because he says he is not seeing anybody doesn't necessarily mean anything. Everybody doesn't kiss and tell.

  12. #27
    gorillagirl Guest
    i live in california. i'm not worried. and we're not even legally separated yet and no divorce has been filed. it's so unlikely he is seeing anyone. he works for one of the busiest internet game companies in the world and doesn't have time or energy to date. he's all about work all the time. even when we were living together, i told him he could have sex with other women, he declined. and even said "yuck."
    other humans bug him (schizoid) and he's happy with his hands. it's drama free.

  13. #28
    SummerBob is offline Super Moderator
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    Quote Originally Posted by gorillagirl
    he could have put the card in the mail slot
    He can't do that. It's illegal and you could get slapped with a fine.
    Like Abraham Lincoln once said, "You can't believe everything you read on the Internet."

  14. #29
    theREALTrish's Avatar
    theREALTrish is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by SummerBob View Post
    He can't do that. It's illegal and you could get slapped with a fine.
    It is not illegal to put something through a mail slot in a door. The law only applies to actual mailboxes.

    Is it illegal to put a flyer into a mail slot in someone's front door Technically it is not a mailbox

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