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Thread: Idea behind stealing a YM "youth".

  1. #16
    VenusDarkStar Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Azureth View Post
    Yeah, I agree and I just don't get that. When you are in a committed relationship, especially married it's very important to do things together and spend most of your time together.

    But when I hear of my aforementioned married friend always talking about wanting to still party, crash at friends places so he can drink all night it really doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me. And she's just as bad. And as I said it has caused a rift in their marriage. When you get married it's very important you give up your single lifestyle. Sure it's fine to hang out with your single friends now and then but you need to find other married friends and take up the responsibilities as a husband/wife.

    What also annoys me is how he doesn't seem to really love his wife. Granted, I don't know everything about their marriage, but when he's over I always hear him talking about how "hot" other girls are, how he'd love to sleep with this or that girl. To me that's very disrespectful and not the attitude a married man should have, especially one that's almost 30. I've always believed that when you find a woman you truly love and care for, she is the only one you want to be with and you find to be the most beautiful, after all, isn't one of the vows "to forsake all others"?

    Yeah that is a good point. But it seems like this is more of a concern with OW/YM. I rarely hear OM complaining about "stealing his YWs youth".

    And that is so true, I have found it interesting how OW are concerned about it, but how many YM have wasted years dating YW? But regardless if you date an OW or a YW you are using up time/money trying to find a partner, which isn't necessarily bad but again, you take a chance either way, so unless you find a YW that is a-okay with you living like a free bird you are still taking a chance. But then again in such a situation that to me isn't a real relationship. Such as my aforementioned friends marriage.

    EDIT: Another thing I thought of. Why is it always a concern about wasting the YMs time? If anything, shouldn't you worry more about the older partner? One advantage to being young is that you do have plenty of time to do what you want and go through several relationships, whereas the older partner doesn't. When I hear of a OW/YM couple that break up for whatever reason and have been together for a significant amount of time, I never feel bad for the YM, but I do feel bad for the OW how she had to waste some good years on something that ultimately never went anywhere.
    Your last paragraph caught my attention, Azureth. As someone who just got through wasting 4 months of her time on someone who has most of his life ahead of him, I tend to agree. At my stage in life, I do not need, nor do I want, to learn anymore life lessons through the assumptions of a younger man who thought I was somehow being entertained. It's much easier for HIM to pick up the pieces and move on, perhaps to a new victim. The more I think about that, my anger and disgust gain momentum, so I will try to focus on the way he made me feel when I thought he loved me. I apologize if this has little to do with the questions you presented.

  2. #17
    MOONBEAM Guest
    There are 2 kind of responsabilities: those you choose, and those you don't.

    Children, mortgage are responsibilities one chooses.

    I want as much space in my life to have the possibility to go to the rave that's happening next Friday, and I'm 45!Not every OW wants to settle down. Just a thought.

    Being in a couple doesn't mean you have to ditch your single friends.

    We live in times where we can make informed choices, and people young and old who choose to marry,make such a choice. Azureth, I can bet you that if your friend's wife dropped him, he would be devastated.

    I used to think that marriage was a ball and chain, because my friends who got married at 25 made me feel that it was, but I chose to believe in a more positive image of marriage.

    I think the robbing a YM's youth cliche is for people who think life stops at 25 and by that age you must have done XYZ. Yes, as an OW, you have to deal with a biological clock and know that you won't be able to give a child to a YM, however, I think most men want a child with the woman they love rather than a child at any price.

    I worry more about a YM stealing my precious awesome middle aged time than I stealing his youth ; )

    Youth is overrated anyway. Most experiences you can have in your 20S you can have in your 40S. I'm a late bloomer so I'm preaching for my choir
    pinkunicorn and Row like this.

  3. #18
    Angel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MOONBEAM View Post
    I used to think that marriage was a ball and chain, because my friends who got married at 25 made me feel that it was, but I chose to believe in a more positive image of marriage.
    Anyone who refers to marriage in this way made a poor choice in mate. My husband started dating me when he was 18, married me at 22, and will be turning 25 this year. I'm so in love with my husband, almost 7 years later, he's still taking my breath away! He goes out of his way to love and heal the wrongs other men have caused, and I go out of my way to show my appreciation for that. When your mate genuinely appreciates even the small stuff how can you not love them back in the same quantity? Love begets love.
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  4. #19
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Thanks everyone for responding. You guys are great.

    I just thought about it because I hope that if I ever get involved with an OW she doesn't think that she's stealing my youth or anything like that.

  5. #20
    degausser is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Azureth View Post
    I've read here a lot that one concern is that by being with an OW she is somehow stealing his "youth", what exactly does that mean?

    Correct me if I'm wrong, but the only thing I can gather from it is the thinking that by being with an OW a YM has to stop all the partying, adventures etc. and take on lots of responsibility that comes with being in a serious committed relationship. However, assuming my thinking is correct, how would that be any different than if he were in a serious committed relationship with a YW? Just like being in a relationship with an OW wouldn't a YM also have to stop playing around and get serious and take on lots of responsibilities as well, especially if he were married?

    I have always found it funny how guys joke about marriage being a "ball and chain". I certainly don't see it as such, when you are in a committed relationship you have to be willing to deal with all the difficulties and hardships that comes with it, but it's well worth it when you are with someone you truly care for and love. I find the notion that YM have to spend their entire younger years involved in all manners of debauchery ridiculous. Granted, that is what most young people do, but it's not all young people, some really are ready and willing to tackle all the obstacles that being in such a relationship entails, and rather it's with a YW or an OW it really doesn't make that big of a difference, you either are or you aren't.

    So, unless I'm looking at this wrong, that is my thoughts on it, I'd love to hear what you think.
    My OM also worries about “stealing” my youth. In regards to your question about an age-gap vs. non-age-gap relationship, I can only speak from personal experience. When I dated people my own age, my relationships weren’t as serious. It was almost as if they couldn’t be serious, just because we were young. Most young people think about themselves first and their friends second – and everything else is just a lower priority. That was certainly true of myself, and anyone I dated. We saw our friends more than each other, and that was how we liked it. If a friend called you at 3am and asked you to drive 6 hours with them to a Taco Bell that was having a 2 for 1 special, you would go. Because…why not? Anytime I dated someone older, the expectations were just different. If I was dating someone older, the older person doesn’t understand that you need to drive 6 hours to a Taco Bell that’s having a 2 for 1 special, when there’s a Taco Bell 10 minutes down the road, and why would anyone need to go to Taco Bell at 3 in the morning anyway?

    When dating someone older, it’s more natural to behave like an adult – not a crazy college student. When dating someone older, I am more considerate. I think about my partner when making decisions. I think the older person worries that some day down the line, we’re going to have a mid-life crisis and start regretting all the times we acted like adults. And that we will resent them, for all the times we could have driven 6 hours to a Taco Bell at 3 in the morning, but didn’t.

    In my current relationship, my boyfriend has witnessed me go from crazy party girl to productive member of society. And he feels guilty about it. He feels like, if not for him, I would still be closer to my high school and college friends. However, the truth of the matter is that it isn’t because of him. Shortly after we started dating, I went from working part-time at a law firm to working full-time. And that has made all the difference. I can’t drink on weeknights like I used to, I can’t stay out all night. Even come the weekend, I’m exhausted. If I have two glasses of wine, I’m ready for bed.

    It makes me sad to acknowledge this, but most of my old friends and I don’t have anything in common anymore. Most still live with their parents. If they’re working, and that’s a big “if”, they’re working the drive-thru at Dunkin Donuts 2-3 days a week. About a year ago, a friend said she didn’t understand why I worked so much – she only works enough so that she has enough money to go to the bars on the weekend. Uh…well, I don’t live with my parents. I live in a house…you know, one of those things with a mortgage, utilities, repairs, etc. I have car insurance, car payments, pet expenses. Why do I work so much? Because my priorities are not the same as they were when I was 20.

    My boyfriend worries because he didn’t start calming down until he was at least 30. And he feels like I need that, too. Personally, I know that between 13 and 20, I was crazy enough. And there are times where I miss being with my friends 24/7 and having crazy, silly times. But I can’t go backwards. Every time I go off to New York for a weekend, I always end up disappointed. It’s never as much fun as it was 3 years ago, because no one can go backwards. Just this past weekend, I had some of my college friends over. They show up with an enormous bottle of wine….at 6:30 on a Sunday night. I cannot start drinking at 6:30 on a Sunday night. I have homework to do, and work in the morning. 3 years ago, if friends had showed up with an enormous bottle of wine at 6:30 on a Sunday night, I would have started drinking immediately. Followed by shots. And more drinking. And more shots. And I would have stayed up all night drinking and laughing. We still had fun, but things can’t magically be what they used to be.

    If my boyfriend and I broke up tonight, I wouldn’t wake up tomorrow and be the person I was 3 years ago. So while I understand the older partner’s concern for “stealing” the younger partner’s youth…it’s a myth. Either someone is ready to grow up, or they’re not. And once you start growing up, you can’t go backwards.
    pinkunicorn, CrazyLove and Azureth like this.

  6. #21
    CrazyLove's Avatar
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    Excellent Post! Thank you for the younger persons perspective

    Tam

  7. #22
    Row's Avatar
    Row
    Row is offline Neophyte
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    I've heard about that, but I also heard it used in the context of YW/OM.

    I understand the reasoning behind it partly. My YM is only 18 and though he's working this year, he'll be going to university next year. I'm a bit glad that we're in a LDR because of that because I want him to be able to enjoy his college years. He should have fun, go out with friends, get home drunk without having to think about upsetting me. He says he's not really the type that does that, but I've seen lots of people go crazy during those years and settle down again afterwards. I don't want him to tell me later that he never got to enjoy that time because I held him back.
    On the other hand, I'll be taking him to his first festival this summer. I enjoy the fact that he'll want to go out with me and party. My ex didn't even like that when he was only 23.

    I think it depends on the person. Some people aren't really into partying and never will be. One of my friends had her first child when she was 18 so she took a job, settled down and she never regretted it.
    If the YM is into partying, he may regret settling down early. YW are more inclined to just party along for a few years but not necessarily.

    Mainly I see it as a poor excuse to judge age gap relationships.
    Azureth likes this.

  8. #23
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    degausser I LOVED your post and those were my thoughts exactly! I am 26 and am not interested in partying or going out etc.

    You are right that with dating a same-age person you can get away with that, but honestly one of the reasons I would like an OW is the fact that at least most likely, she is past the partying or going out till the early hours of the morning. She can enjoy just staying in and having a night by the fire, or doing things at home.

    Unlike most guys my age, things like responsibility and commitment don't bother me at all, in fact it is something I want.

    But back to what I had alluded to earlier, the fact is the YM is an adult, fully capable of making his own decisions, if he gets involved with an OW then later regrets it because he wasn't done sowing his wild oats, tough luck, he has no one to blame but himself. The only sad part is how much time the OW had to waste on it. Though just like with same-age relationships it doesn't have to end for that reason, they could just split amicably and no harm done either way.

  9. #24
    Ellethe's Avatar
    Ellethe is offline Ex-Marcy'd
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    Thoughts:

    Having a relationship that ends in and of itself is not a waste of time! I seriously do not understand that line of thinking. Things begin and things end, why is it necessary to define an end as a failure or a waste? Every experience I have ever had has enriched me in some way and shaped the person I am. I just don't by that my time is wasted because I care about someone today and I may not tomorrow. The caring today is the important thing.

    The idea of stealing one's youth is one of those reactions that a lot of ow have when they initially find themselves in a relationship with a ym (or even more often a vym). It is part of the process for a lot of us coming to terms with stepping outside of the social boundaries we are used to.
    laurad121 and Mebel like this.
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  10. #25
    walkersam is offline Senior Member
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    Azureth, the only thing that I can't give my ym is children. We had that discussion and he said when we crossed that road we could adopt but still I am taking his chance at having his own biological children that I have had already. If I had not had my tubes tied, I would not hesitate one minute in trying to give him even that.

    As far as taking anything else, I think if anything, we have way more to offer, most of us have stable careers and know what we want and who we are.

    In my relationship, I am usually the one pushing to get out and do things he doesn't ordinarily do. I like to have new experiences and see things.

    I am pretty sure that when we part, I am leaving him better than I found him......

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