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  1. #16
    HotGrandma is offline Neophyte
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    Quote Originally Posted by whiterose View Post
    Thanks for sharing. Why do you feel it needs to end?
    I think the children issue is the main thing. He's content to be childless at the moment, but he has always said he'd like children at some point. There are days I feel like I'm holding him back from going out and meeting someone who would be able to have children, and I worry that he'll find that someone when we're still together, and we'll end up in a bad situation. Not that I believe he'd deliberately do this to me - look for that someone while he's with me, I know he's not looking for anyone else at the moment - but that it's just going to happen because he IS young and attractive. These are the days I feel like I need to break it off so he can get on with finding someone who he can have a family with, as well as make sure my heart doesn't get broken should he find that someone.

    Then there are days I feel like he could be childless and be at peace with that because we are so meant for each other, especially when he talks about how he can't imagine not being with me forever, or finding someone he could love as much as he loves me. But. He has to come to that realization himself (the not having children), and I just feel at this point (he's only 30), he's too young to make such a decision. I wouldn't want him to make that decision yet - I think because I have children myself and I DO understand that desire to have them. . .
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  2. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by HotGrandma View Post
    I think the children issue is the main thing. He's content to be childless at the moment, but he has always said he'd like children at some point. There are days I feel like I'm holding him back from going out and meeting someone who would be able to have children, and I worry that he'll find that someone when we're still together, and we'll end up in a bad situation. Not that I believe he'd deliberately do this to me - look for that someone while he's with me, I know he's not looking for anyone else at the moment - but that it's just going to happen because he IS young and attractive. These are the days I feel like I need to break it off so he can get on with finding someone who he can have a family with, as well as make sure my heart doesn't get broken should he find that someone.

    Then there are days I feel like he could be childless and be at peace with that because we are so meant for each other, especially when he talks about how he can't imagine not being with me forever, or finding someone he could love as much as he loves me. But. He has to come to that realization himself (the not having children), and I just feel at this point (he's only 30), he's too young to make such a decision. I wouldn't want him to make that decision yet - I think because I have children myself and I DO understand that desire to have them. . .
    Yes, that's always such a difficult situation and one that, in part, contributed to the end of my relationship. My YM insisted he didn't want any children, but over time, his opinion changed. We ultimately broke up and he married someone closer to is age and they have a child.

    Having said that, there are people who know for certain they do not want children and really mean it. It is hard to know though whether their feelings will change down the road.

  3. #18
    laurad121 is offline Senior Member
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    Tom and I met back in 2009 at a bar that we both played pool at. I was splitting with my husband at the time. I found Tom very attractive but dismissed the attraction because of his age. We got to know each other over the course of 6 months and really grew to like each other. It was mostly physical at the beginning. We started spending more time together and moved in together after we were together for 2 years . I found out he was cheating on me and broke it off. He kept trying to win me back and after 6 months of not giving up we reconciled. We started dating again and working on our relationship. Fast forward 3 years later and we are still together. He moved back in 8 months ago. He is going to school for heat and air conditioning and is guaranteed a job when he graduates in June. We are very happy. I am 46 and he is 33. We adopted a kitty at Christmas. We live with my 14 year old daughter who has special needs and my 17 year old lives with her dad. This August will be 6 years. It has been a journey and not one I expected.
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  4. #19
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    Bella is offline Senior Member
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    There are no guarantees in any relationship, really, HotGrandma.

    The hardest thing for David to work out for himself was the knowledge that I will almost certainly die before him and leave him alone. He has very little family of his own. He never has wanted children so that was not the issue, and he hasn't changed on that. He finally rationalized it as, if we didn't stay together because he's going to wind up alone, what if he never found anyone again that he felt the same about as he feels about me, and then he would have wasted the time we could have had together searching for something that might not exist.

    He had to figure that out on his own. We had some counselling help too. That might help him settle in his mind if kids or you are more important. And 30 isn't too young to make that decision at all. David's 32 and hasn't ever changed on that. He loves my grandkids, but is always ready for them to go home when it's time.

    Really it sounds as though communication is needed. I've always been one for no games, you talk it out and work it out. You're making assumptions based on how you think he feels, rather than sitting down and really clearing the air. If you're ok with that, and coasting along in fear, then that's up to you. Me, I'd rather rip the bandage off all at once and get it over with than pick at the edges wondering if it's going to hurt, but again, that's me.

    30 isn't a child. It's not even a very young man. He's old enough to know what he wants from life, and old enough for you to ask. Also old enough for you to expect answers.

    Now, my update. And intro for new people. I've been around here since before this site existed as is. We're 28 years apart, together for almost 15 years, and married for a year and a half. He's an RN, I'm an LPN and Respiratory Therapist. We like a lot of the same movies, books, music. We have dogs, cats, and a bird. I have 3 kids older than him, 6, going on 7 grandkids, 1 kid younger than him, who's getting married this fall. We argue sometimes, but rarely. We respect each other. I trust him more than I've ever trusted anyone, and trust does not come easily to me. And yeah, he's young, and attractive, and works mostly with women, so that's saying a lot.

    Our age gap will always be there. And always be obvious. Even more so as I get older. There'll always be new issues because of it, but we'll work them out together. And if someday it gets too tough for him and he bails, then, I've had more love and happiness during this time than most people get in their lives, and so be it.

  5. #20
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    Ginger, I'm 50, retired military with youngest child (10) in the house as well as my disabled mother past couple years. I have dated younger before if you count 3 year type gaps.
    I came here now close to 4 years ago looking for "peers". Not so much for validation, as much as seeing I was not some kind of 1% deviant pervert for accepting and relishing a man who is 25 years younger. We still have distance slaying us and I am finally getting my passport to visit his hometown in Poland for next round of visits. It is exceptionally harsh to be so far. I have so many responsibilities I am less able to go his direction, his job has him locked in that end this last 12 months.

    We are, as from the start, the closest of friends with daily open no holds barred communication. We have chemistry and very aligned values, education level and upbringing. He is the guy I always had in my mind's eye .... *sigh* I wish he was 10 years older, but the cards fell where they lay. We have been engaged since Jun 11 2013. I really am as giddy as girls in High school used to be (I was way not into it then) when asked out by their crush. We have ups an downs. His softer nature that I enjoy comes at a price. He is a little emo and easily depressed, his esteem is WIP. I get impatient at times with this because I have learned that failure is when you didn't try. I hate his spiraling over nasty comments by family over his appearance or an occasional day at work where a goof (not always his directly) made the day longer. But it is not angering , it just concerns me. One needs resiliency to really dusk and weave in life. And a plan "B". He is tired of waiting for his turn to have me to visit ofc. And I get his gentle chastisement when I am less empathetic or humane. The bad habits and jading from a previous marriage (that was horrific), are scars still fading. At least the affected areas are healed and not as stiff. No deal breakers between us. He is in fairly good health. He is first relationship I am not certain to outlive my partner, since he is younger with no bad habits in diet or consumption or risk taking.
    If we do not make the long run it may be over children... I can't worry now about that. Pretty much all options are open for the next 10 yrs give or take. After that , if they narrow to point only a separation could solve it, if the happiness is just 10 years..? I'll take it and keep it in a shoebox. No one else will ever be this compatible again I am sure. It is hard enough for me , being on the spectrum, anyway. Now that I got what I exactly wanted and needed from a relationship , I know myself enough to know no other will pass the muster, would be just bitter "almost" attempts tainting what I finally attained. Why make anyone suffer that?

    Now I wasn't this secure all along... but I gathered insights (specially from stories of here on AL) on the many possibilities in outcome.. positive and negative to my desires. And he is as stable as the north star to navigate. I post less often because I have fewer questions and nothing is changing much at present other than some bi**y impatience from me when he is over emo or critical. Specially if it hit in times that I have caregiver burnout an am irritable an stressed already.
    Last edited by Pickles; 05-13-2016 at 01:55 AM. Reason: punctuation is my friend
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  6. #21
    windspinner74 is offline Neophyte
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    Hello and re-intro

    Hello,

    I haven't been here in a while, but really enjoy reading everyone's posts, it makes me feel not so alone. I am currently a little over 2 years in a live in relationship with a 24 year old, and I am 41. This is my first age gap relationship, and I have been married 2 times previously. I have a 22 year old son, and 2 daughters 14 and 10. I find it very challenging in the community, however it just feels like a typical relationship at home, he does more things that my ex husbands ever did, I dont have to tell him to take out the trash or mow the lawn..he just does it. In the community I feel like an outcast sometimes, like people in my neighborhood think I am some type of creeper. When we go out and I dont wear make up or do my hair, I do get mistaken for his Mom, we usually just laugh at that. What is rough for me is I never see anyone that is in the same age gap (ow/ym) that I can tell.
    I would love to just hang out with a similar couple, or even just talk on the phone with someone in the same position, share stories, etc. I guess this is what this forum is for!

    One thing that I am struggling with is his drinking. He drinks beer pretty much every single day, it literally drives me crazy. Granted he is from Ukraine and I know the drinking culture is different there, but the excess is just not okay with me. He says he can stop but he just doesn't want to. Im just a little terrified of whats to come 10 years down the road (full blown alcoholic?) I want to chalk it up to him being young, but I was 24 once and hung out with other 24 year olds, went to college, etc..and certainly did not drink as much or as often as he does.

    Great to see all of your stories, very helpful :-)
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  7. #22
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    Great to hear from you! I can certainly understand your concerns about the drinking. Every day does seems a bit much to me as well, but then there are some who can drink every day and have no issue with it. But, long-term that can definitely affect his liver.

  8. #23
    ButterflyEffect is offline Neophyte
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    time for coming out..

    Hello everyone.
    My name is Wojciech, a Polish guy living in Norway. Moved here two years ago, been living previously in some other European countries over couple of years. Moved in to Norway to - as I found soon after - meet the love of my life.
    I was 29 back then, she was 54. She's Finnish, though.
    Met her couple of months after divorcing with woman my age, we'd been together for 10 years, six of it we were married. That's only by the way.
    I registered on this forum looking not actually for support but to check how many other people are in AG relationships, what situations they face and how they deal with them. Also how long these relationships last. Assuming, I registered seeking for knowledge.

    Going back to my story. We met two years ago in a pub, I asked her for a dance, rest of the evenjng we spent on talking, drinking beer and some more dancing. She took me home that night. Since I'm living oitside city, she said "I'll take you to my place so you don't have to take a night bus, but remember, no sex" (which hasn't happened for next 14 months, so we had time to buid flawless friendship for life first). I'm myself not that type to go to bed with a woman on first meet, I was glad she said that
    Rest of the night we spent on her sofa listening to Mozart and Chopin and talking. I found courage to kiss her before we fell asleep, she didn't reject.
    We met next weekend and been meeting more and more often, texting every day. We found that deep intellectual and emotional connection , fell into deep friendship in a very short time. It didn't take much time for me to fall in love, though. From the perspective now I believe that actually I fell for her very first moment I met her.
    It's been two years now. The best two years in my whole life. I don't regret how my life had been before, everything I had experiencedade me who I am now, but had I known she existed, I would've come and found her earlier.

    We are not planning to move in, yet.

    We're going through quite difficult time now, my GF is back in Finland taking care of her father who is in the last stadium of Alzheimers. We meet once in a month now. It's hard to be separated, but it only makes us stronger.
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  9. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bella View Post
    There are no guarantees in any relationship, really, HotGrandma.

    The hardest thing for David to work out for himself was the knowledge that I will almost certainly die before him and leave him alone. He has very little family of his own. He never has wanted children so that was not the issue, and he hasn't changed on that. He finally rationalized it as, if we didn't stay together because he's going to wind up alone, what if he never found anyone again that he felt the same about as he feels about me, and then he would have wasted the time we could have had together searching for something that might not exist.

    He had to figure that out on his own. We had some counselling help too. That might help him settle in his mind if kids or you are more important. And 30 isn't too young to make that decision at all. David's 32 and hasn't ever changed on that. He loves my grandkids, but is always ready for them to go home when it's time.

    Really it sounds as though communication is needed. I've always been one for no games, you talk it out and work it out. You're making assumptions based on how you think he feels, rather than sitting down and really clearing the air. If you're ok with that, and coasting along in fear, then that's up to you. Me, I'd rather rip the bandage off all at once and get it over with than pick at the edges wondering if it's going to hurt, but again, that's me.

    30 isn't a child. It's not even a very young man. He's old enough to know what he wants from life, and old enough for you to ask. Also old enough for you to expect answers.

    Now, my update. And intro for new people. I've been around here since before this site existed as is. We're 28 years apart, together for almost 15 years, and married for a year and a half. He's an RN, I'm an LPN and Respiratory Therapist. We like a lot of the same movies, books, music. We have dogs, cats, and a bird. I have 3 kids older than him, 6, going on 7 grandkids, 1 kid younger than him, who's getting married this fall. We argue sometimes, but rarely. We respect each other. I trust him more than I've ever trusted anyone, and trust does not come easily to me. And yeah, he's young, and attractive, and works mostly with women, so that's saying a lot.

    Our age gap will always be there. And always be obvious. Even more so as I get older. There'll always be new issues because of it, but we'll work them out together. And if someday it gets too tough for him and he bails, then, I've had more love and happiness during this time than most people get in their lives, and so be it.
    I haven't been on here in a while. It's great to see age gap couples still going strong like mine with my YM. Good to see you doing well Bella!
    "Two generations, One love!"


  10. #25
    NicholasK is offline Neophyte
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    Hello, my name is Nicholas. I met my significant other H online and we've been together for four months going on five. I am thirty years old and she is forty seven where she is my senior by about seventeen years. It's a great relationship where it isn't at all entirely sexual in that we enjoy each other's company. We even listen to the same music and such. She's an artist where I myself am a writer.

    So far our relationship has been a very positive one where before the month is over we'll be living in a house together.

    I joined the forum because I wanted to know more about age gap relationships and hear other people's experiences.

    I think the most difficult thing for us that is frustrating is the double standard that exists in society. It's perfectly acceptable for an older man to date a much younger woman but when an older woman dates a much younger man everybody loses their minds. It's very aggravating and annoying.

  11. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by NicholasK View Post
    Hello, my name is Nicholas. I met my significant other H online and we've been together for four months going on five. I am thirty years old and she is forty seven where she is my senior by about seventeen years. It's a great relationship where it isn't at all entirely sexual in that we enjoy each other's company. We even listen to the same music and such. She's an artist where I myself am a writer.

    So far our relationship has been a very positive one where before the month is over we'll be living in a house together.

    I joined the forum because I wanted to know more about age gap relationships and hear other people's experiences.

    I think the most difficult thing for us that is frustrating is the double standard that exists in society. It's perfectly acceptable for an older man to date a much younger woman but when an older woman dates a much younger man everybody loses their minds. It's very aggravating and annoying.
    Welcome Nicholas!

    I'm 54 and married my 24 year old husband in February. We met online as well (in World of Warcraft) and were friends for many years before he came to visit me the first time. We just gradually became closer and closer and got along great when we met so after he graduated college he moved in with me and a short while later we married. We have a lot in common and enjoy just being together as well. :-)

    I have one childhood friend that I'm still in touch with, she's really the only person who's given me a hard time about my relationship. Most of my experiences have been positive or neutral but once in a while someone will give me a nasty look, but we don't care. :-)

    There are a lot of stories on this site that should really help you. I wish you two lots of luck!

  12. #27
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    Slow Worm is offline Senior Member
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    Greeting Nicholas, welcome to Ageless

    You two sound pretty compatible.

    I'm 51, my wife is 13 years older, we've been together for 23 years now.

    Quote Originally Posted by NicholasK View Post
    I think the most difficult thing for us that is .... when an older woman dates a much younger man everybody loses their minds. It's very aggravating and annoying.
    Many Americans in OW/YM relationships have commented on that here. I wonder if it is a feature of American culture, as we've not encountered anything of the kind here in England.

    SW

  13. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Slow Worm View Post

    Many Americans in OW/YM relationships have commented on that here. I wonder if it is a feature of American culture, as we've not encountered anything of the kind here in England.

    SW
    Maybe it's more regional. I live in a more progressive liberal area of the US (near Seattle on the west coast). Had one incident where the middle aged male bank manager was a jerk when I was adding my husband to my bank accounts, he was rather rude to start and got even colder when I introduced my husband. That was the worst we've dealt with so far though.

  14. #29
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    fiorinda is offline Senior Member
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    Hi Nicholas,

    I'm 51 and my husband is 27. We've been together 5 years and married for nearly 2. Like SlowWorm, we live in the UK and experience very little negativity to our relationship (though we're lucky that the size of our age gap isn't obvious to people who don't know us). Family and close friends were wary at first, but it's difficult to maintain that over a long period of time, and even quite unusual situations just become normal after a while. We honestly don't think about our age gap 99.9% of the time.

    Enjoy your relationship, don't worry about what other people think, and everyone will get used to it in time! My mother-in-law, who is 5 years younger than me, introduced me to her colleagues recently as her daughter-in-law, without even missing a beat!!
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  15. #30
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    UPdate-a move and netless period

    Had more it erased when my wrist leaned on something.
    Upgrade size place. Sudden move with price of rent change and fact we have upgraded from hovel to slum deluxe.
    But con is no phone or cable service within 2 miles of location. So no net except public in town 11 miles away until I can get satelite.

    Gonna be rough for me and Hunny. Oil change near done so signing out. Later guys!
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